“After my divorce, I lost so many friends. The couples I knew no longer invited me to join them. It’s like they thought they could only socialize with other couples.”
And that’s sad.
Not only for the single person, but also for the couples.
Because both have quite a bit to offer each other.
So how about it?
Can we be friends?
To the Couples –
Send the Invitations
Oftentimes, couples refrain from inviting a single person to join out of a concern for them feeling like an awkwardly attached third wheel. Instead of assuming that they don’t want to attend, ask and let them decide for themselves. If they decline, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they will never have an interest. Give them a little time and ask again.
Save the PDA and Inside Jokes For Later
In order to allow the single friend to feel included, make sure that you’re not acting in an exclusionary way. You don’t have keep your partner at arm’s length, but this probably isn’t the best time for an extended make-out session either.
If the Single Person is Recently Divorced, Allow Them to Set the Tone Regarding “Ex Talk”
Maybe they want to engage in a little ex-bashing or maybe they prefer to keep quiet. Either way, allow them to dictate when and how much they say about their situation. Sometimes, couples want information about a breakup in order to reassure themselves that they’re “safe” from a similar outcome. That’s your stuff to deal with; it’s not the responsibility of your single friends. And finally, if you”re also friends with their ex, keep that in a separate space unless you’re asked to do otherwise.
Be Sensitive to the Emotions the Single Friend May Be Experiencing
It can be an alienating feeling to be around couples when you’ve lost your significant other. There may be moments of profound sadness and periods of envy. Sometimes, a newly single person finds it too difficult to be around couples, especially ones that were part of their old life. None of this is a reflection on you.
To the Singles –
Communicate Your Wants and Feel Free to Initiate
Maybe you want to get together but you need a little time to get yourself together first. Or, you find that you do better with small groups instead of a triad right now. Communicate what it is you’re okay with right now. Furthermore, if you want contact, initiate contact. Too passive of an approach can easily be read as disinterest.
Be Thoughtful About Who You Unload Your Emotional Struggles On
If you’re dealing with a lot of emotion right now, you will need people to talk to. Your couple friends may not be those people. As you know, the thought of losing a partner is terrifying and so the couples in your social circle may need to keep that thought at a safe distance. And unfortunately, you are a reminder that loss can happen.
If You’re Experiencing a Sexual Reawakening, Express it Elsewhere
After divorce, it’s common to have an excess of sexual energy. There is nothing wrong with this, but also direct that energy away from your coupled friends. One of the reasons that the newly divorced tend to be exiled is the fear that they will “steal” a partner. Don’t give that fear any fuel.
Be Sensitive to the Emotions One or Both People in the Couple May be Experiencing
One or both partners may be doubting their own marriage and they might be envious of your freedom. Alternately, they may be terrified of their relationship ending and you’re walking proof that it could happen. None of this is a reflection on you.
It’s a shame when people that like each other and have a shared history end a friendship because of a status change.
You have just learned that someone in your life is going through divorce and you want to know what you should say to them. Or, you’re facing divorce and you’re wondering why your friends and family seem intent on saying things that only make you feel worse.
With divorce, as in any major loss and transition, it’s difficult to know what to say. For those on the outside, they often want to offer support and comfort, yet surprise and a lack of awareness may lead to the proverbial foot in the mouth. And for those on the other side, heightened emotions and a life in flux may result in taking even the most innocuous statement as an intentional barb.
So this is a primer for both sides – for those going through divorce and for those in their lives.
What to Say, What NOT to Say and How to Respond
Don’t Say – “I know just how you feel.”
This is such a common response whenever somebody is dealing with something difficult. It almost always comes from a good place, a place of empathy and wanting to let the person know that they’re not alone. Yet we never understand exactly how somebody else is feeling. Even if the circumstances are identical, their own past and reactions will greatly impact how they respond.
Maybe Say This Instead – “I’ve been through similar. If you ever want to hear about what helped me, please let me know. “
This phrase lets them know that they’re not alone, both in the experience and in dealing with it. It communicates that there is common ground, but stops short of making assumptions.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Accept this phrase in the spirit in which it was intended. They are wanting to reach out and they are putting themselves back in the place when something similar happened to them.
Don’t Say – “I get it. My partner never puts the dishes in the dishwasher and it drives me crazy.”
I seriously doubt that a messy kitchen is the reason for the divorce. Yes, those small domestic squabbles can be really annoying and you may have woken up to socks hanging off the cabinets and so you’re feeling especially irrupted with your spouse right now. But still comparing those daily struggles with divorce is minimizing and dismissive. Please complain to someone else right now.
Maybe Say This Instead – “This must be hard for you. I am sorry that this is something that you’re facing.”
Set boundaries. If you have people in your life that are using you to complain about their minor relationship issues, it’s okay to tell them that you cannot be the recipient of that right now. If they continue, limit your exposure until you’re in a better place.
Don’t Say – “I feel like a single parent because my spouse travels so much.”
I get it. Being a parent when your partner is always on the road, or at work or just absent in general is HARD. Hell, parenting no matter what is hard. But here’s the thing, you and your children are still a cohesive unit, even if it’s one whose operation is largely commanded by you. After divorce, there is grieving for the impact on the children and fear as to how everything will work out.
Maybe Say This Instead – “Being a single parent is hard. Let me know if you need help with transportation or just need somehow to bounce a decision off of.”
You’re acknowledging the challenge without participating in the comparison olympics. And even better, you’re suggesting some possible solutions to some of the difficulty.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
I know that these two situations are not the same thing, but try to see some of the similarities (because there are some). This person may be a good resource for you to help you navigate this new way of parenting and they may be a good companion on spouseless kid-friendly outings.
Don’t Say – “I would never divorce; I believe in working things out.”
That’s awesome. I admire that you’re not a quitter and that you’re not afraid of hard work. However, the reality is that many – if not most – of us that got divorced felt that same way at some point. Yet either we were given no choice or that became the best choice out of a sea of less-than-ideal options.
Maybe Say This Instead – “I know that this had to be a difficult decision.”
Trust that they are making the best choice for themselves and that they are not acting impulsively. If you’re not sure who initiated the divorce, a simple, “This sounds hard,” may be better.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Divorce is often a major fear for anyone who is married, so your split may be a trigger for those around you. “I would never” is often code for, “That is my biggest fear and so I need to pretend that I have control over it.” Remember that what they are saying is more a reflection on them than a criticism of you.
Don’t Say – “Divorce is a sin”
This may be a core belief for you and so you’re truly concerned about their well-being and relationship with God. Yet you’re also not their spiritual advisor. There are basically two possibilities here – either they do not see divorce as a sin or it is against their beliefs and so this decision (which may indeed have been a life-or-death one) was made after many prayers and much reflection.
Maybe Say This Instead – “Do you have somebody to talk to? A counselor? A pastor?”
Questions and support will always be received better than judgment.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
Take a deep breath. Remember that your relationship with God is your business and have faith that you are doing the right thing for you.
Don’t Say – “You’re destroying your kids.”
Trust me, they are already feeling immense guilt for what this is doing to the kids. They don’t need your voice amplifying that. And it’s also not that simple. If there was abuse, divorce is clearly the preferable option for the kids. Even without abuse, kids often do better with two happy-yet-separate parents than two that are always fighting under the same roof.
Maybe Say This Instead – “How are the kids doing?”
This communicates that you’re thinking about the kids and also gives you a chance to see if any help is needed to ease the transition. Instead of shaming the parent for the divorce, maybe try to be another trusted adult that can help support the kids through this.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
They care about your kids. That’s pretty awesome. However, you also don’t have to listen to shaming and judgmental comments like that. It’s okay to say, “I’d appreciate it if you refrained from commenting on my parenting choices. I’ll reach out to you if I’m looking for ideas or advice.”
Don’t Say – “I never liked your spouse anyway.”
That may be true. Their ex may have been as awful as a Marvel villain from day one. But that’s not your conversation to initiate. Because even if they were awful, the person in front of you was in love with them at one time. Be considerate of that.
Maybe Say This Instead – “How are you doing with your ex right now?
This gives them to chance to let you know if they’re still in love, researching revenge fantasies or navigating a serviceable coparenting relationship.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
The more you communicate your needs, the more you’ll help those who want to support you and yourself. If you want companionship on the ex-bashing bus, say so. If you’re working hard to paint your ex in the best light possible, speak up. You can’t get mad at people for saying the wrong thing if you haven’t let them know what’s right.
Don’t Say – “What happened? Did they cheat? Did you cheat?”
I know you’re curious. Yet let the person dealing with the divorce decide how much they divulge and when they release that information. They may be trying to preserve their ex’s image for the sake of the kids or they may be ashamed of something that happened (or didn’t happen) behind closed doors.
Maybe Say This Instead – “I’m here for you when/if you want to talk.”
This is perhaps the best thing we can say to somebody who is dealing with any kind of thought situation. Be there and be willing to listen.
I know that you WANT them to be okay. You believe in their spirit and tenacity and you have faith that they will get through this. But right now, they feel like their world is ending. Hold space for that.
Maybe Say This Instead – “You’re strong. You WILL make it through this. And I’ll be here for you.”
You’re reminding them that this is the end of a chapter, not the end of their life. And you’re also not implying that this will be easy. Finally, you’re reminding them that they’re not alone as they navigate the divorce.
If You’re On the Receiving End –
You WILL make it through. Maybe not bouncing – at least not yet. But you WILL cross that finish line after divorce. Even if you’re crawling.
This little sentence shows up on your phone alongside your ex’s name. It’s a simple sentence, yet the implications and possible repercussions are anything but straightforward.
You start to reply. Then you reconsider and delete your initial response. What should you say?
Before you make a decision about your ex’s desire to be friends after divorce, ask yourself these questions:
How long has it been since the divorce?
There are no hard and fast rules here. Some people can be friendly with their exes throughout the divorce process and others still can’t be in the same room even decades later.
Yet there is something to be said for instituting a “you keep to your life and I’ll keep to mine” rule during the divorce and for a year or so after. That distance helps both of you create the separation needed to be able to move forward and encourages the release of interdependency. Time allows any romantic feelings or residual resentment to fade, creating a blanker canvas where friendship may be able to grow.
Was the decision to divorce mutual or one-sided?
“I want to move in with my affair partner but I still want to be friends” is a very different situation than an agreed-upon divorce after years of growing apart. A mutual decision to divorce may in fact have been reached because over time, the marriage transitioned into more of a friendship.
If you have been dumped, you may recoil at the very thought of remaining friendly with your ex. Or conversely, you may find that you jump at the chance of a friendship with the unspoken hope that it may evolve into something more. If the decision to divorce was one-sided, there is an imbalance that may preclude friendship, at least for a time.
Are you working to establish a co-parenting relationship with your ex?
A productive co-parenting relationship is analogous to a connection with a coworker. It’s two people who have negotiated boundaries and expectations in order to effectively manage external tasks and demands. This takes time to figure out and during this period of trial and error, it’s often best to try to minimize the emotional involvement.
And just like friendships at work can be tricky, adding an element of friendship to a new co-parenting relationship can complicate matters. It’s one thing to be frustrated at your child’s other parent for failing to follow through on a promised plan, but it’s something else entirely when that person is also a confidant.
If, however, your co-parenting relationship is established and functional, you may find that the addition of a friendship is beneficial to the larger family and that you’re able to successfully negotiate any issues that arise.
Do you have any physical sensations of stress or attraction when you’re around your ex?
Do butterflies of excitement begin to flutter when you see your ex’s car pull up? Or instead, do you find that you begin to develop a headache whenever they’re around?
These physical signs are an indication that you are still emotionally tied to your ex, either positively or negatively. Either of these makes beginning a friendship a dangerous game to play because you’re only intensifying the emotional connection.
Do you find that talking to your ex brings down your mood or leads to a sense of anxiety?
Maybe you feel fine when you’re with your ex only to become snappy with the kids later. Perhaps you realize that a night spent tossing and turning always seems to follow contact. Or possibly a general sense of malaise comes on the tail of every visit.
Friends should make you feel better. If you end up feeling worse, maybe “friend” isn’t the best label to assign.
Is a friendship with your ex preventing you from moving on with your post-divorce life?
Some friendships with the ex develop out of a sense of loneliness and expediency. It’s much easier to fall back into a relationship with someone you know than to put forth the effort and risk the vulnerability with someone new. However, these types of convenience and comfort-based friendships can also be limiting, acting as anchors that are keeping you tied to your past.
Does your ex have a history of manipulation and/or deception?
If so, you’re on tricky ground here. Perhaps your ex wants to be friends in order to maintain a sense of control over you. Maybe they want to be close so that they can continue to manipulate your thoughts and actions.
These people have a tendency to be charmers, so this bid for friendship may feel especially attractive, particularly if they have rejected you in the past. Proceed with caution here. Once you’re close, it becomes difficult to perceive any deceptions and attempts to control.
Is this bid for friendship coming on the heels of a major post-divorce milestone?
Has your ex just celebrated a major birthday? Or did their mother just get diagnosed with cancer? Did the youngest child just graduate high school? Did you just announce your engagement?
If the proposal of friendship came soon after a major life event, take some time to consider the motivation. It may be completely innocuous, such as the death of a loved one prompting a greater sense of mortality. Or it could be calculating, such as looking for someone to act as nurse during their convalescence.
How have you (or will you) responded to the news that your ex is seeing someone new?
Part of being a friend is celebrating the good news of the other person. Anygood news, even if it results in a new romantic partner. Can you honestly celebrate their budding romance? If not, friendship may be premature.
On the flipside, can your ex handle your new partner gracefully? A friend that will give you honest feedback is great. But one that will veto every catch out of lingering jealousy is not.
Do you want to have a friendship with your ex?
If you had no history with your ex and you met them in a coffee shop, would you be interested in starting a friendship? Do you still enjoy time with your ex? Are you willing and able to let go of the past in order to establish a larger family unit that consists (or may eventually consist) of new partners and new children?
Because that’s what it ultimately comes down to. There are no rules that dictate the type of relationship you have with your ex. If you want to be friends, accept the offer. If you don’t, there’s nothing wrong with saying no and deleting the request.
Divorce is an all-hands-on-deck proposition. These are the five types of people you need to make sure you have in your life during divorce:
The Never-Married
Strangely enough, you may find that your single friends are the best equipped to sit with you through the even the most brutal emotions. That’s because your divorce can ignite fear in your married friends, as they grapple with (or seek to avoid) the possibility that it could happen to them and it may trigger old and painful memories in your divorced friends. On the other hand, an empathic single friend may be able to hear your greatest sorrows and greatest fears because it doesn’t hit too close to home.
Additionally, your single companions are excellent models of independence. On those days when you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to be able to do it all without your partner, look to these friends for inspiration and advice. They can help you find the joy and the freedom inherent in being single and help you distinguish between being alone and being lonely.
Your friends that are not married may be more available for you and may have more flexible schedules. They can be your activity partners and your on-call support system. You can hang out with them on those days when you simply can’t bear to see another happy couple.
On the other hand, those that have never been married may be dismissive about the enormous impact your divorce has on you. They’ve never been there and so they may struggle to “get it.” This does not necessarily indicate that they don’t care; it just means that they cannot fully understand.
The Divorced
These are the friends that get it. They’ve been there and they understand the magnitude of what you’re going through. They will nod in understanding when you talk about the endless hours of the nights or the heart-breaking feeling of seeing your daughter’s tears upon learning the news.
Your divorced friends can offer you concrete advice and ideas about how to navigate this transition. You may be offered everything from a good attorney’s name to suggestions about how to remove your ex’s name from your insurance. These friends become your informal mentors as you learn from their steps and missteps.
Perhaps the most important gift that your divorced friends have to offer is one of hope. Maybe you witnessed their breakdown after the breakup of their own marriage and now you see them thriving years later. Whether they’ve found a new partner or decided to remain single, they are the living, breathing proof that there is life after divorce.
Conversely, you may find that you have some divorced friends that are still angry, still bitter. When they learn of your impending divorce, they may delight at finding someone else who can share in this acrimonious bath. Be wary of this energy; it’s not only toxic, it’s contagious.
The Married
Whereas the divorced friends may make you feel like giving up on love, your married friends remind you that it’s still possible. The best of these friends let their vulnerability peek through, sharing with you their own trials and fears within their marriage as well as revealing the love they still have for their spouse. Unlike the “Facebook perfect” couple, seeing the real and imperfect people within the real and imperfect marriage helps you come to terms with the fact that every marriage faces hard times and that it’s possible for love to still prevail.
By watching your married friends as you start to analyze the end of your marriage, you may begin to realize how your relationship went off the rails. Watching others interact can help you learn what you want and who you want to be in your next relationship.
If your friend’s marriage isn’t so good, it can serve as a reminder that the grass isn’t greener on the other side of the aisle. In fact, it may even bring a sense of relief that you’re no longer in a similar situation.
No matter how wonderful your married friends are, they can be painful to be around, as they serve as a reminder as what you no longer have. Sometimes, often unintentionally, they may say or do something that promotes a sense of guilt, shame or failure in you because your marriage ended and theirs has not.
The Young
Your married friends can sometimes be judgmental about your relationship status. Children never are. With their limited experiences and smaller worldview, they simply accept you as you are without regard to what’s happening behind the scenes.
The curiosity and exuberance of children is catching. When you spend time with them, you begin to see the world through their eyes, full of wonder and possibility. They encourage openness and playfulness, both traits often lacking during divorce.
However, too much time around the young during times of difficulty can amplify your feelings of despair as you contrast their naïve innocence with the brutal reality of what you’re experiencing.
The Old
The elderly can bring the duel gifts of perspective and wisdom during life’s trials. They have lived long enough to experience many cycles of growth and contraction. They have seen how tragedies can often become the birthplace of greatness. They can share stories of loves found and lost and found again. And they can share their own struggles and speak to the overcoming of it.
The words passed down from those who have lived through it all are a reminder that this is merely one chapter of your life and that there is hope for you still.
There are many words that feel amazing to receive:
“I love you.”
“I’m proud of you.”
“You are amazing.”
“I appreciate you.”
There are times those are the words we need to hear. They let us know that we’re seen, accepted, valued and cared for. These words are the valuable currency of relationships that both build bonds and and help to provide reinforcement against outside assaults.
Yet there is a phrase that can be even more powerful. One that often follows on the heels of difficult news – a death, a diagnosis, a loss, a revelation of a closely held secret. And in those moments, when we’re feeling skinned and bare, shivering in naked fear and uncertainty, the best words we can hear are –
“We’ll get through this together.”
Those words don’t minimize or project meaningless platitudes. They fall short of promising an optimistic outcome yet they still carry the scent of hope. Instead, the phrase suggests that now will not be always and there is a way through, even if it is not yet known.
And most importantly, those simple words reassure you that you’re not alone. They speak of shoulders ready to accept tears and strong arms prepared to render assistance. With that utterance, you know that you have a safe space where you can break down without concern for appearances or consequences.
It’s amazing how powerful a simple hand can be when it folds over yours during life’s most difficult moments. Sometimes, just having someone there makes the difference between giving up and getting up. The presence of another both gives us a reason to try and the encouragement to try again.
“We’ll get through this together.”
Powerful words to hear. And even more powerful words to believe. We are not meant to face these hardships on our own. We’re in this life together. And we’ll make it through together.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 