There’s More Than One Way to Wear a Wedding Ring

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Marriages stand a better chance when they begin with conversations rather than assumptions.

It’s all too easy to enter marriage with an expectation of what it is going to look like. It is all too easy to expect that your partner-to-be (or even current spouse) has the same view and presumptions about matrimony as you do. It is all too easy to fall into a marital model that does not match the needs and wants of you and your spouse.

Conversations about marriage are not comfortable. They are not easy. And, in many cases, they are even taboo because we see the institution of marriage as being rigid with defined rules and boundaries.

But it doesn’t have to be.

Instead of trying to make everyone fit into the mold of a “traditional” marriage, maybe it makes more sense to shape marriage around our own desires for family and companionship. Maybe the reason that half of all marriages “fail” is that they didn’t fit the couple to begin with.

I received a copy of The New “I Do” last week. It provides templates for seven different types of marriages: starter, companionship, parenting, distance, covenant, safety and open. Each section consists of a description of each style, real-world examples, pros and cons and matters to think about.

And think I did.

As I read, I found elements of some of the models that intrigued me and other ideas that repulsed me. I found myself nodding in agreement for a few paragraphs only to bust out a, “oh, hell no!” in the next.

But throughout, it made me think.

And when it comes to marriage, a little more thinking can go a long way.

Even though I am already in a happy marriage, I found that this book made me consider ideas and options that I had not before. When I summarized the marriage styles for Brock while I was reading, it led to some great discussion about the broader ideas of marriage in general as well as conversation specific to our own marriage.

And marriages stand a better chance when they are based upon conversations rather than assumptions.

 

If you’re divorced, check it out. It may make you look differently at your first (or second) marriage and see areas where you could do things differently.

If you’re afraid of marriage or convinced marriage (or remarriage) isn’t for you, read it and you may find a model that fits what you’re looking for.

If you’re in a troubled marriage, this book may give you ideas about how you can restructure your relationship to fit your changing needs and perspectives.

And if you’re in a happy marriage, this book lends itself to some deep and interesting conversations about what it means to be married and if you and spouse share the same priorities.

 

Because when it comes down to it, marriage is not one size fits all. And there’s more than one way to wear a wedding ring.

 

If you’re curious, Brock and I concluded that our relationship doesn’t exactly fit any of the models. Its core is based on companionship with a healthy dose of passion. That doesn’t mean that’s the right kind of marriage; it means it’s right for us.

 

Mythical Thinking About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the more fun aspects of blogging is the record of what you were doing and thinking at various points in your past. Some of my posts can still make me smile or cry. Some are funny to read to see the progress in my writing and my mindset over the years. And some? Well, some are just plain embarrassing:)

I recently unearthed one of my first posts from January 2012. I was so new, I even approved an obvious spam comment on the original post just because I was so excited to have someone, even if it was a bot, comment on my page. Even though I was a neophyte at the time, I still find some good points in this post. See what you think.

Oh, and if you’re a spam bot, don’t waste your time trying to comment. I’m smarter now:)

 

Myths…or Mythical Thinking

The article, 3 Myths About Happy Marriages on PsychCentral introduced myths that are based on the work of John Gottman, Ph.D and his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. I think these myths, although possessing some truth, are a bit of a slippery slope.

Myth 1: Better Communication Will Not Save Your Marriage

If the marriage is on rocky footing, talking will not bring in the rescue copters.  And, as the article states, it is difficult to remain calm and rational in the midst of a perceived attack (I know those “I” statements well, after growing up with a counselor for a mom, and even I can’t maintain that poise in a heated discussion).  My concern comes from the implication that communication is not important;  that a marriage can exist in the spaces between withheld information.  I cannot work well with a coworker when there is not adequate communication; I’m not sure how a marriage is supposed to thrive.

Myth 2: Avoiding Conflict Will Kill Your Marraige

Not every need can be expected to be met, and sometimes conflict is just because of a grouchy mood,but there is a danger to not addressing legitimate concerns.  In retrospect, I realize that my marriage was conflict-avoidant; I tended to shy away from problems due to anxiety and my ex-husband refrained from conflict in order to not trigger my anxiety.   As a result, the problems grew too large for anyone to face.

Myth 3: Reciprocity Underlies Happy Marriages

I once knew a couple who kept a scorecard on the fridge to keep track of the “he dids” and “she dids.”  I don’t think they were very happy!  However, I do think reciprocity is essential in a marriage  in terms of mutual respect, and that this respect takes the form of acts of service or kindness for the other person.  Tallies shouldn’t have to be drawn, but each person should be operating with the other in mind.

All marriages are different (my current relationship is quite unlike my marriage in many ways), but I think that each of these myths has a place in a healthy relationship.

What You See Is What You Get

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So I woke up feeling better this morning.

Better, that is, until this happened.

photo-43

 

I was standing at the large window by the table and my husband was in the driveway beyond the deck when the tree gave up and came crashing down. We were lucky. Everyone, including Tiger, was safe. The damage only to wood and metal, not flesh and bone.

I’m not gonna lie. I’m still a bit shaken up. It’s scary when glass explodes in front of your face and wood screams as it splinters. It’s frightening and disorienting when your house trembles under a cloudless sky. My breathing is still a little shallow. My heart a little rapid.

But more than anything, I’m thankful. Thankful that everyone is okay and that the damage can be repaired by carpenters rather than surgeons.

 

As with anything in life, what you see is what you get. If you look at a situation and see only the negative, that is what will stand out. If, however, you are able to see the blessings and potential within, the entire situation feels more positive. More doable.

The video below is one of the most inspiring examples I have ever seen of someone seeing and maximizing potential rather than focusing on the limitations.

Watch.

Be inspired.

And bring some tissues.

 

 

Now look around your life. What you see is what you get. What will you see today?

 

Character Assassination

Posted on by stilllearning2b
character assassination

I didn’t like reading how many of you relate to being gaslighted. It’s one of those areas that I know for me is still tender. There is much un-probed because it hurts too much to counter often-good memories with the knowledge of the duplicity and lies. And I finally realized that the daunting task of separating the strands of truth from the pot of lies is pointless. Even though I now know otherwise, I have chosen to find comfort in the fact that it was real enough to me at the time and that’s all that matters.

But that only works with the personal gaslighting, the stories told to me to keep me placid and distracted.

 

It doesn’t work with the external assault. The character assassination that carried nefarious seeds far and wide. That requires a different approach.

 

For much of our time in Atlanta, my then-husband and I were estranged from his parents by his choice. Over the years, we had many families “adopt” us for holidays and get-togethers, but one always stood out. The husband-wife owners of my husband’s company welcomed us into their family. We were at Christmas and birthdays. The kids and grandkids accepted us.  We knew them as friends as well as employers. I loved the time with them and always appreciated the inclusion.

A few months before he left, my then-husband took a job with another company. It made the relationship with the family a little strange but we still kept in touch.

In the immediate aftermath of his abandonment, I did not think of them. Until a few days in when I found a note from the wife on my mailbox with instructions to call.

I picked up the phone expecting to hear shock and horror – the emotions expressed by everyone else I knew when they tried to digest the news. Instead, I got a more distant and guarded message. Condolences mixed with a dash of “well, what did you expect?”

I was shocked. Almost speechless. I asked what she meant. And heard about stories that my then-husband told at work. Tales of my cheating exploits, complete with a vivid story of walking in on me in his office with a man. Claims of staying late at work to avoid me and my wrath.

He painted a picture of a horrible wife, a victimized husband and a marriage in peril.

This from the man that kissed me tenderly every night.

This from the man who knew where I was at all times because I was rarely anywhere but work, school or home.

This from the man that couldn’t keep his hands off me and bemoaned when work kept him away.

For years, I thought this family was my family.

But they never even knew me.

Because my monthly or so visits could never compete with his daily fictions.

I was too confused and surprised on the phone that day to try to defend myself. Defeated and wounded, I simply hung up after muttering something in response to her request to keep her in the loop and ask for help if I needed it.

I never did call her back.

And I never will.

 

There are so many tears that come from this. I’m horrified that he was intentionally darkening my character for years. It’s hard not to wonder for how long. I’m embarrassed that people thought I was unfaithful and shrewish. And I’m sad that I lost these friends and others, as I chose to simply cut off those he had access to rather than to try to vindicate myself against his stories. Although I was tempted to send them a copy of his mugshot:)

He was telling them stories to cover his tracks. He was creating a fiction in his mind to defend his actions, both past and future. Perhaps he was desperate to see himself as the good guy so that he could temper any guilt. I’ll never know.

Much like I chose to walk away and cut my losses from the financial deception, I made the decision to leave those friendships behind. Some damage is too great to repair.

 

So, what’s the lesson in all this?

I know I first started to trust Brock when he actually encouraged me to have time around his friends without him there. It made me realize how my ex carefully negotiated my encounters with his friends.

I know I’ve had to let go of the concern of what people may believe about me and focus on what I know about me.

I know that realizing how my ex lived one way with me and another with others helped me realize that he was not the man I loved.

And I know that I’ve made many, many new friends who know me. The real me.

And that in the end, the only character he assassinated was his own.

 

Home Movies

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My aunt and uncle recently took on the formidable project of transferring hours of home movies onto two DVDs in some “best of” snippets from almost twenty years of footage. My aunt sent me the discs recently with a card that had the following warning:

Advisory: Proceed With Caution.

What you are about to see may be hazardous to your mental state of well-being.

That’s what can happen in divorce (especially ugly divorce)-  a “family” member goes from beloved to hazardous cargo. And my ex was family and is included in many of the latter video clips. This would be the first video I would see of him since before he left, as all of my video and most of my pictures are safely boxed up in my mom’s garage (safely unless they’ve become a rat nest, which would somehow be fitting…).

Surprisingly, I was neither anxious to watch them or anxious about watching them. I finally had a few moments today and put in the second disk, which starts shortly before I began high school. It was funny watching them and seeing how I changed over the years, my I-was-afraid-they-were-permanent chubby cheeks finally slimming out when I entered my 20s. My ease with my baby cousin even as I knew I never wanted a kid of my own. And my introverted attempt to meet “cute boys” at the lake by swimming out to a raft in my aqua bikini.

It was cool to see my mom at an age I now relate to. And to watch my grandmother when she could still enjoy the freedom of swimming in the lake. I saw my now-married cousin with missing baby teeth. And watched her now-adult sister grow from newborn to preschooler.

And it was even neat to watch my ex. From the awkward gangliness he carried until almost 22 to the young man tired from his 10 hour shift at an amusement park. I watched him with our pug and smiled at the memories of bringing our first dog home. In one scene I saw him look at me with love. I remember those looks.

I realized something today, watching those home movies. In a very real way, all of us on those digital recordings are gone. The kids have grown, even the youngest through college and many have kids of their own. The adult generation is trending towards retirement. And grandma can’t swim in the lake anymore.

We have all changed with time and with experiences. The camera caught who we were in the moment but it does not always reflect who we are now.

The husband I see on those videos would be lost to me now no matter what. That boy really, not even a man yet in many of the clips, was lost in time. And that would be true even if he was sitting on the sofa downstairs.

Far from being hazardous, the videos were sweet. A glimpse of a more innocent past and a remembrance of a good beginning.

And yet another reminder of the constant presence of change.

We may as well get used to it:)