How to Create a Divorce Care Package

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce care package

So you just found out that your friend or family member is getting divorced. After the initial shock and disbelief fades and you’ve gathered and digested the salient facts, you’re left with a deep desire to help. To at least soothe the pain since you cannot make it all go away. And much like kids at their first sleep-away camp, teenagers during their first semester at college or soldiers on their first deployment, people in the early stages of divorce are homesick, lonely and often scared.

And a small collection of tailor-picked items can go a long way to making them feel loved and supported.

Here’s your cheat sheet for assembling a divorce care package that any newly single person would be grateful to receive:

Something to Comfort

One of the first purchases I made for myself was a super-soft extra-fuzzy blanket. I used to cocoon myself in it at night when I cried. It was essentially the adult equivalent of a teddy bear. Think about your loved one. Do they tend to seek out a certain food when upset? Or are they more tactile and would prefer something soft against the skin? Maybe they slip the headphones on and disappear into a world of music. Whatever their preferred modality, something that provides a portable on-demand hug goes a long way during divorce.

Something to Distract

Divorce has plenty of ongoing bad days. And sometimes you just want to forget about the lawyers and the negotiations and focus on another world for a time. If your friend is a reader, buy an engrossing (but not too complex – the brain isn’t functioning at peak capacity) fictional book. It’s even better if it’s the first of a series; that promises many days of distraction. Puzzles are a great tool to divert the mind and you can even play Words With Friends or Trivia Crack with them. If they are more of a watcher, buy a movie or a series for them. Even better, set up a recurring date with them to watch a favorite show.

made-570804_1280

Something From the Past

Divorce is a time of identity crisis. You are no longer your married self and, as you try to figure out who you are now, it can be comforting to connect with the person you were prior to the marriage. If you knew the person during this period of their life, find something that will remind them of that more innocent time.

Something Indulgent

It feels good to be pampered. And when you’re going through the end of life as you know it, it feels even better. Spring for a massage. Or a pedicure. Take them to a restaurant known for its amazing service. It can be as simple as some bath salts and a candle or as involved as you want to make it. I used to save those little indulgences as treats after particularly difficult days. It helped me make it through just knowing that I had something to look forward to.

Something to Ease the Routine

Life can be overwhelming. And when you’re trying to learn to do the work of two by yourself (especially if you have kids), the pressure is immense. Gift a gift of ease. Offer to take their children to school or car in for servicing. Offer to help clean their house or wash their dog. When someone is in survival mode, the little things add up. So find something you can take off their plate.

Something to Do Together

These were my favorite care package items during my divorce. Some were elaborate and some extremely simple. In every case, the time together let me know that my friend was thinking of me and it gave me much needed laughter as well as time away from the reality. Go on a hike together. Go to a concert. Watch a game. Explore a nearby town. The “what” matters less than that you plan it, invite them and take care of any barriers in their way.

Something to Feel Attractive

In any divorce, there is a fear of getting back out there. Of dating again in your older and saggier form. And if there was infidelity, their confidence has taken an even bigger hit. Include something in the care package that makes them feel attractive. Desirable. They will probably not be ready for it at the beginning, but when they are ready, it sure is nice to have that little reminder handy.

Something to Inspire

I used to tease my mom about her ever-present inspirational quotes. And then I got divorced and suddenly I surrounded myself with them as well. You don’t have to limit yourself to quotes. Give them a postcard from a trip you took together or that they dream of going on. Include a plant that is just starting to grow or bud as a reminder that they will bloom again. It can even be more symbolic, taking the form of a rising phoenix or emerging butterfly. This is the gift of hope.

All of these gifts will be appreciated and treasured. But the gift that means the most can’t be put into a box or presented in a card. It’s the gift of an empathetic ear and a supportive hug. Be there and they will never forget.

Clamor For Your Own Attention

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It begins while the morning coffee is brewing.

I unplug my phone from its nightly charge and curl up on the couch with a big glass of water to check the emails that came in over the night. And every morning, amongst the ads telling me that Banana Republic is once again having a one day sale! and the funny or inspirational emails forwarded by my mom, there are emails that demand my attention. Sometimes I respond right then (I apologize if you have ever received one of those pre-coffee, pre-dawn messages from me) and other times I make a note to respond later.

It continues when I enter the school building.

I unlock and plug in my laptop, opening up Outlook as soon as I’ve entered my password. Inevitably, there are emails from parents needing information, students needing assistance and administrators needing paperwork. And then, all too soon, the bell rings and I’m swarmed by the commotion of teenagers all fighting to be seen and heard and attended to. This one needs a band-aid, that one needs a pencil and they all need help with their math.

It follows me home.

As soon as I pull into the driveway, I see Tiger’s face at the dining room window peering down at me. I can hear his excited dance on the hardwoods above my head as I gather my belongings out of my car and begin the nightly shedding of the teacher skin by removing my high heels. Once I open the door to the house, I am immediately greeted with 90 pounds of insistent pit bull demanding hugs and kisses. On most days, this is soon followed with the racket of an old cat asking for her turn. The four-legged also experience sibling jealousy, apparently.

Now, you may not check your emails before your morning coffee. You may not work as a teacher surrounded by teenagers. And you may not come home to the attentions of a pit bull and an aging feline.

But I bet you still relate to the above.

Because for all of us, at every turn, someone or something is clamoring for our attention.

Our phones vibrate with incoming messages. Our car flashes a reminder about needing an oil change. Our families ask for attention and the young ones often need it right now! Our work no longer ends when we close the office door; it follows us home.

It’s all too easy to fill a day leap frogging from one need to another, considering everyone else’s demands yet ignoring our own. Feeling frazzled and depleted. Pulled too many directions.

It’s time to make your needs heard.

Clamor for your own attention.

Set a reminder to go on your daily walk. Schedule time each day to unplug from your devices. Close your door and breathe, even if it’s just for a minute while the kids are busy. Post reminders to stop, look and listen to your own needs.

The busier we are, the more structured and intentional we have to be about taking care of ourselves.

So when you’re making that to-do list, make sure that you put yourself on it too.

A Picture Is Worth…

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve been collecting some random pictures recently that I was hoping to spin into full-fledged blog entries. But the pictures seem to be piling up and the posts don’t seem to be happening. So I decided to let the pictures (pretty much) speak for themselves.

photo 2-111At the dog park, Tiger’s favorite activity is to hang out in the baby pool and attempt to drown a tennis ball. Be like the tennis ball, no matter how frequently life pushes you down, refuse to stay under for long.

photo-142I look at this picture sometimes as a reminder that slow and steady can still get the job done.

photo-143I had these sweatpants for 16 years. I finally trashed them and replaced them (for a whole $5). How often do we hold onto things long past their usefulness?

photo-144I’m officially an Atlantan now that I’ve made it to the Margaret Mitchell house. I learned that the manuscript for Gone With the Wind was on unnumbered pages stuffed into separate envelopes that had to be edited and sorted. I need to shut up about being overwhelmed.

photo-141When we have assumptions, we don’t allow things to unfold in their own way and time. Stand back and be surprised.

photo-145I started treating myself to blooming bulbs next to my computer during the month of February. It’s a beautiful reminder that spring follows every winter.

5 Ways to Soothe Your Irritated Senses

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s inevitable that we will become irritated at times with the people we spend the most time with. It happens in romantic relationships, within families and even at work (you should see the irritation that occurs in a classroom with kids that have been cooped up together for too long!). Close proximity over extended time leads to friction, and friction often leads to abrasion. Small tics and habits that once seemed innocuous wear thin on the temper’s hide over time, scratching away until an open sore is revealed.

It’s easy to snap as the offending stimulation continues, lashing out at the other as your patience wears away. It happens to all of us at times; we bite out tongues as long as we can until eventually, our tongues bite back, often escalating a one-sided irritation into an all-out confrontation.

But what if it was possible for you to sooth your own irritation before your temper flares? What if you could be conscious of and change your thoughts in such a way that the irritant no longer rubbed you raw? What if you could take charge of your responses and, in turn, avoid irritation and its escalations?

You can.

It starts with acceptance. See and acknowledge the entirety of the person that bothering you, their gifts and their burdens. And so often those are two sides of the same traits. For example, if you need something done by a deadline, I’m your woman. My sense of responsibility and propensity towards anxiety means that I’ll take care of it. But have me as a passenger in your car when we’re running late for some appointment? Yeah, those same traits are going to drive you crazy. And, as is so often the case with someone’s struggles, I know that it drives people crazy (it does for me too), but it’s not something I can completely hide either.

Make a rule for yourself that you’re not allowed to be irritated if somebody does something or neglects to do something else if you haven’t asked first. It’s not fair to get upset because someone has yet to perfect the art of mind reading. Begin by assessing the reasonableness of your request. If my sneezing bothers you and you inform me that its like nails on a chalkboard whenever my sinuses blow, I’ll sympathize but there’s not much I can do. If, however, you hate it when I neglect to put the seat back after driving your car, please let me know and I’ll make sure I slide it back.

Muffle the irritations with gratitude and a smile. I find this to be so incredibly helpful with those minor household irritations. For example, if I have to start my Sunday cook-a-thon by clearing Brock’s clutter off the counter, I can feel those prickles of irritation starting to speak. As soon as I sense their presence, I respond by very actively and intentionally recalling recent good deeds and words he has bestowed upon me and our home. The mess pales in comparison to his selfless trek into the cold to make sure I had wood for a fire, his sweet note still resting by the coffee pot and the new retaining wall he organized and paid for that ensure that our driveway won’t wash away with the next deluge. I then clean up the clutter with a smile. The other benefit of this method is that it clues you in to issues that are more serious than minor irritations. The the gratitude doesn’t silence your ire, something needs to be addressed.

We don’t live in a vacuum. Consider the surroundings and the circumstances when you find yourself getting annoyed. If you’re sick, or stressed or overwhelmed, you are going to be more prone to irritation. That’s not the other person’s fault; don’t lay it at their feet. You are the responsible for managing your own stress levels and obligations. And if you’re sick, maybe staying in bed helps others as well as you:)

And if all else fails, take a break. It’s amazing how quickly an abrasion heals once the friction has stopped.

Divorce Season

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s always sad to me how many new readers I gain in late December and early January. From a blogging perspective, sure it’s nice to see an uptick in stats, but from a human perspective, every new reader represents one more person facing a painful (and frequently unexpected) divorce. I often wish I had no readers.

In family law and counseling circles, the period after the holidays is sometimes referred to as “divorce season,” a several week period characterized by an increase in couples filing for divorce and/or revealing their intention to divorce. These decisions are rarely sudden, rather they are a compilation of growing dissatisfaction partnered with the demands of the holiday season. Even in the case of a tsunami divorce, where one partner was blindsided, the other usually had been planning his or her exit for some time.

So what exactly is it about the holidays that leads to an increase in divorce?

Once More For the Kids/Family

For those with kids or traditional family gatherings, the thought of announcing the demise of a marriage shortly before the holidays is fraught with questions and dilemmas. Do you show up at Aunt Dorothy’s asa couple even when you both know you’re not? Do you allow the kids one more Christmas under the family tree before you alter their world? The holidays are often seen as a time for family and togetherness; it can be easier to feign this rather than fracture it right before the season.

Trying to Soften the Blow

If you have made the decision to leave and you want to try to make it as easy on your partner as possible, you may make the decision to wait until after the holidays to hopefully lessen some of the pain of being alone. Or, the exiting spouse may fear the thought of being without the kids or family on the holidays and postpone the announcement until after the festivities. Divorce is rough regardless, but being alone when it seems like everyone else has someone is especially painful.

New Year/ New You

For many, the new year contains a sense of renewal, of promise. If you feel like you’ve been stuck in a marriage that is holding you back, the spirit of the season may be the deciding factor on when to call it quits. Holiday advertising campaigns can compound this drive, as they continually bombard us with messages of “trading up” to a newer and better model.

The Tipping Point of Holiday Stress

You and your spouse may enter the season with no thoughts of divorce but with marital stress already pulling at the seams. In these cases, the added pressure of travel, family and financial stresses can act as a tipping point in the marriage. When a faltering marriage is exposed to outside demands, it is all too easy to take it out on your spouse and allow contempt to take hold.

Expectations and the Media Message

Despite the media portrayal of perfect holiday cheer, the holidays are a difficult time for many, especially those who have experienced family trauma or are prone to depression. The gulf between reality and expectations can grow exponentially during this season, leaving some feeling hopeless and disconnected, withdrawing from the marriage out of pain.

No matter when your marriage ends, divorce is rough. Don’t underestimate its impact and take care of yourself.

Did any of you experience the end of a marriage that coincided with the holiday season? What factors led to your divorce at this time of the year?