Forcing the End: Cheating as an Exit Strategy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

People cheat for a large variety of reasons. In many of those cases, the cheater wants the affair partner(s) and they still want the marriage, a sort of one-sided renegotiation of the wedding vows.

Yet in other cases, what the cheater really wants is out of the marriage and the affair is simply a way of forcing that outcome.

So, why do people use an affair as an exit strategy for a marriage?

 

They Want You to Be the One to End It

Maybe they promised themselves that they would never get divorced. Or, they would feel guilty about breaking up the family while the kids are still young. Sometimes they’re worried about the judgment they’ll face from others if their marriage fails.  But if you’re the one to initiate the divorce, then they can find comfort in their little fiction that this was all on you.

Of course, all of this completely ignores the fact that it was their behavior that led to divorce in the first place. That if it wasn’t for the affair, you never would have filed the papers. But those that cheat are quite skilled at compartmentalization; they can convince themselves that the both the affair and the divorce happened to them instead of because of them.

 

They Lack the Courage to Be Honest With You

These are the people that will drop the bombshell, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” once their hand is forced, yet will never come to you with, “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you recently and I’d like for us to work together on this.” In a perverse way, they are not upfront with you because they don’t want to see you hurt and they don’t want to bear witness to your disappointment.

So instead, they pull away and they turn elsewhere, towards someone that they don’t have to worry about feeling obligated towards. They are running away, from the marriage and also from their discomfort. They believe that if they just stuff their unhappiness deep enough, they can build on top of it.

 

They Are Afraid of Being Alone

They want out. They know they want out. And yet the thought of being alone and unmoored after divorce scares the hell out of them. So, they make sure that they have a safe place – or person – to land on. The affair is a way of avoiding that terrifying leap into the unknown of being single, instead replacing the cliff’s edge with a gentle ramp out of marriage.

 

They Are Not Self-Aware

This is so often the case with those who use cheating to force the end of a marriage. Many times, they are not even consciously aware that they want out, much less cognizant about how the choices they make fit into the bigger picture.

 

In all of these cases, the affair may have been the final straw (or your first indication that something was amiss), but there were problems beneath the surface long before they stepped out. If you’re entering into a new relationship after divorce, make sure to look for someone who has the courage to be honest with you – and themselves – about when they are unhappy. It’s not a guarantee that they will never cheat on you, but it certainly provides some insurance.

 

 

Ten Metaphors for Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
divorce metaphors

Which metaphor best describes your divorce?

 

1 – The Too-Small House

It seems perfect. The spaces seem custom-built to accommodate your needs and it immediately feels like a home. Over time, as the family grows and the demands on the home increase, those walls that once felt comforting begin to feel like a prison. The house is simply too small.

Sometimes people outgrow relationships. The person that once fit nicely into their lives is now a source of frustration. Support has turned into constriction and the need to fully expand becomes too great to ignore.

 

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2 – The Unraveling of the Favorite Sweater

At first, it is coveted, although a little unfamiliar. It still holds the creases of the hanger and the pigment is true and bright. Over time, it begins to mold to your body. Soften. It is a familiar hug, a safe place to return. The initial damage seems slight, inconsequential. It’s only a loose thread. Yet that single thread is what holds the sweater together.

Marriages can mirror this same pathway, moving from shiny and new to familiar and then to worn and damaged. There is a both bittersweet memory of the original shape and a discontentment with the current status.

 

3 – The Sudden Allergy

It comes on quickly, a shock to all present. What was perfectly acceptable and even enjoyed has now become a source of illness. The underlying cause of the dramatic change is difficult to pinpoint. But the result is the same. These two entities can simply no longer coexist.

In relationships, this sudden allergy may be due to some environmental shift or it can also arise from unidentified underlying issues. The abrupt shift will come as a surprise and it may take some time to accept the needed alterations. Yet, until this essential incompatibility is addressed, the maladaptive reactions will continue to occur.

 

4 – A Graduation

At some point, the student no longer needs the teacher. Graduation brings about complex emotions. It is the remembrance of all the lessons learned and the shared struggles and triumphs in the classroom. There is celebration born from completion and also fear of the upcoming unknown and a concern about being ready to tackle the challenges ahead.

Some marriages end because the lessons have been learned. It becomes time to close one chapter in order to begin the next where the lessons can now be applied in a new situation. These are bittersweet endings as the shared journey is remembered and honored even as the natural end is acknowledged.

 

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5 – The Rotten Apple

It seems so tempting. Its taut and shiny skin unblemished under the artificial lights of the store. It promises sweet, crispy sustenance just beneath the surface. With joyous anticipation, you bite down. Only to discover that the flesh beneath the skin is black and rotten.

These are the marriages entered into with the narcissist or other personality that likes to hide behind shiny promises. It seems too good to be true. And eventually, you discover that it is.

 

6 – A Remodel

At one point, the decor was perfect for you. It matched your aesthetic and your lifestyle. But then your tastes changed, slowly at first. You began small, replacing some artwork and maybe freshening up the throw pillows. Over time, you start to realize that the changes have a domino effect and that the entire space needs an overhaul.

We all change over time and through experiences. Sometimes we find that these small changes have a compounding effect and that a relationship that once fit in nicely no longer matches anything else.

 

7 – Vision Correction

The lens clicks into place and suddenly the eye chart, once nothing but a muddy blur, comes into sharp focus. You see it all and for once, you see it clearly. You no longer have to guess at the truth behind the fuzzy images.

Sometimes we have trouble truly seeing the person right in front of us. And when our vision is blurry, we fill in the details with expectations and assumptions, often born from past experiences. It can be quite surprising when your vision is suddenly corrected and you see the person as they are. Especially when you realize that the reality is far from what you imagined.

 

8 – The Training Wheels

We fix training wheels to children’s bicycles not because of any physical need, but to address their need for a sense of security and safety. Likewise, their removal is due more to an increase in confidence than in a change in ability.

Sometimes relationships are the preferred training wheels of adults. These are partnerships often entered into young, before the individuals have developed confidence in themselves to be able to operate alone. Then, as one or both spouses begin to replace their self-doubt with more assurance, they may discover that the training wheels are no longer needed and that they would prefer to ride unencumbered.

 

9 – A Malignancy

It has to come out. The tumor is a source of poison, restricting life-force and threatening your very survival. It will be painful. Brutal, even, as there is a certain about of healthy tissue that must be removed as well in order to assure that all of the diseased material is removed. Yet even with the trauma, the removal brings a sense of hope.

These are the abusive marriages. The abuser inhabits their victim, slowly programming the cells to behave as they dictate. As with a tumor, the removal must be swift and it will be painful. And there may be some residual scars left behind.

 

10 – The Tsunami

There is no sign of impending disaster. The skies are blue, the water clear. And then, without warning, the placid ocean becomes a voracious beast, swallowing what seems to be the entire world. Leaving behind nothing but destruction and emptiness.

Some marriages end with the suddenness and force of a tsunami. Often, the one leaving has been silently gathering up resources and making plans. And once they act, they disappear without concern for what was left in their wake.

Guest Post: How to End an Unhealthy Long-Distance Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No matter how hard you try, sometimes it’s best to end a long-distance relationship. Whether you’re dating the type of guy who will just never succeed in a long-distance relationship or you’ve started to notice the telltale signs that that it’s an unhealthy relationship — your partner isn’t respecting your boundaries around texting, there is a lot of digital monitoring, you feel pressure to send explicit photos, they make excuses for their hurtful behavior — it might be time to end your LDR.

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And no surprise, ending a long-distance relationship is a little more difficult than ending a close-distance relationship. Because you aren’t together all the time, it can sometimes be too easy to put off having the difficult conversation. But if you just keep waiting, your feelings might turn from unhappiness to frustration, anger and resentment. Don’t let your feelings fester. Here are four ways to end an unhealthy long-distance relationship.

 

Understand Your Feelings

Before you communicate with your long-distance partner, you need to really understand why it’s time to break up. When I need to process information, I always find it helpful to make lists. Grab a notebook, and jot down all of the reasons that you’re unhappy in the relationship. Make sure you communicate that distance isn’t the only problem. What is your partner doing that makes you want to break up with them?

 

If any of those things change, would you be willing to reconsider? Instead of breaking up, should you actually be having a conversation about how to resolve your frustrations? If you are certain that this is what you want to do, don’t back down.

 

Consider Breaking Up in Person

One of the red flags in a long-distance relationship is that you aren’t making an effort to see each other anymore, so this might not be possible. If you do have plans to see each other soon, it’s usually best to break up in person. However, don’t save the breakup for a vacation or a long trip. The honeymoon feelings are more likely to resurface if you’re on a beach in paradise, and you might lose your resolve to do what you know is right. Instead, consider having the conversation in a neutral space, such as a city park.

 

When you initiate the conversation, just get it over with. Don’t sugarcoat it. Just say: “We need to talk. This relationship isn’t working for me, and I want to break up.” Be blunt while also being respectful. Then spell out the reasons why you’re ending the relationship. Keep your explanations simple, and try to avoid an argument. Remember, this isn’t a deal or suggestion. Stand firm in your intentions.

 

Once you’ve said your peace, let your partner speak theirs. This will probably be difficult emotionally for both of you. Once you both feel there is closure, part ways.

 

Schedule a Skype Call

If you can’t break up in person, don’t do it over text or email! Not only can this seem as cold and callous, but also it doesn’t allow either of you to freely express your emotions or get the closure you deserve. The next best thing is breaking up over video chat so they can read your body language. Tell your partner you need to talk, and schedule a time to touch base. “We need to talk” will probably tip them off that you’re going to have a serious conversation about the viability of your relationship.

 

Again, don’t belabor the point. Just get it over with: “I wish I could do this in person, but I need to say what I feel: This relationship isn’t working for me, and I want to break up.” Just like if you were able to do it in person, explain your reasons for ending the relationship, and give your partner time to process it. It might take a while, but it’s best to stay on the line as long as it takes for you both to reach closure. When there is nothing more to say, hang up.

 

Move On

Now, this is the one time distance might make things easier. You won’t be running into your ex at the grocery store or at a bar on a Friday night. However, even if it was an unhealthy relationship, you might still miss certain things about them or the way they made you feel (on a good day). But it’s important to set clear boundaries. You made it clear this wasn’t up for discussion, so don’t confuse your partner by contacting them or responding to them if they reach out to you.

 

It’s time to focus on you! Enjoy your newfound freedom. Hang out with friends you haven’t seen in awhile because you’ve been sitting in front of Skype every Saturday night. Find a new hobby. Attend local events. Get involved in your community. If you see the breakup as a chance to become a better person, it’ll be easier to move on.

 

Now, if one “your” songs comes on the radio or you watch a sappy movie that makes you miss being in love, don’t relapse! It can be hard, but you need to remind yourself why you broke up with him. In fact, I would consider keeping that list of reasons you make of why you wanted to break up. Anytime you have doubts, remind yourself why it was time to end your unhealthy LDR and recommit to yourself.

 

Ending any relationship, especially a long-distance relationship, is tough. But don’t hold onto something that’s not working. With this new space in your life, take some time for yourself. Reboot and renew. And who knows, when you least expect it, you might just find the right person for you.

 

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Jennifer Craig is a long­-distance relationship success story. She started SurviveLDR for women who want to survive and thrive in long-distance relationships. For more advice on how to make long-distance relationships work, follow her on Instagram, like her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter.

 

Is Divorce Your Only Option?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first read this piece by Matt on why he declined to participate in Huffington Post’s collection on when divorce is the only option, my knee-jerk response was that sometimes divorce is the only option.

When I filed for divorce, my husband was MIA, married to another woman and still actively funneling my credit and paycheck towards his new life.

I certainly didn’t see any other option other than cutting those legal ties as quickly as possible.

But what if I had discovered the infidelities (financial and relational) months before? The decision to divorce at that point would not have been so clear. Perhaps he could have received intensive treatment for addiction. Maybe trust could be rebuilt along with the finances, a team approach towards mending a broken marriage.

And if I had been aware of his shame or his unhappiness or his struggles with employment years before the end (and realized my own fear of confrontation), the entire trajectory of those final years could have been altered. Tracks built together towards a different future.

What if we had made a more conscious start to our relationship rather than simply following one foot in front of the other? What if we had spent more time discussing the potential hardships that can befall a marriage and explore ways to avoid those traps?

Or, tracing that reasoning all the way back, what if I had been more aware of my own struggles with abandonment and anxiety and more attuned to his struggles with avoidance and shame when we first started dating? Maybe I would have chosen a different husband. One that wouldn’t have made divorce the only option.

Any marriage can get to a point (The “F” It Point) where divorce becomes the only option.

From ‘Til Death Do You Part?:

I see the vows as like the wheels on a bicycle. Ideally, both are fully functioning and working in concert. If one tire is a little flat, the other can help support the weight for a time until the tire is re-inflated. If one wheel is bent, the ride may not be over as long as the metal is hammered back into shape. Yet if one wheel is removed, the bicycle is useless no matter how hard the remaining wheel works. And it’s time to either find a new wheel or learn how to ride a unicycle.

But that point doesn’t spontaneously generate. And its creation is ultimately the responsibility of both partners.

Sometimes divorce is the only option.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you enter marriage with your eyes open and your ego checked.

If you commit to fixing yourself rather than blaming another.

If you quiet your fears enough to face the truth and trust that you can make it through.

And if you understand that divorce is always an option and that it takes awareness, intention and effort for it to never become the only option.

Should I Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

 

Stuck In a Bad Marriage? These Are Your Three Choices

Posted on by stilllearning2b
bad marriage

I had someone come to me last week for advice. His relationship with a woman – a married woman – recently ended and he was reeling from the breakup and associated revelations.

“I don’t understand,” he wrote, “How can she tell me her marriage is so bad and then choose to stay in it?”

I groaned. I couldn’t help it. I have never heard from anyone who had a relationship with a married partner who was not told that the marriage was bad. In fact, I think that pronouncement is a prerequisite for infidelity.

And it drives me crazy.

First, I see this as an excuse. It’s a convenient way to lessen guilt and shift blame to the unsuspecting spouse. It’s basically saying, “I’m not cheating because I’m a bad person; I’m cheating because you’re a bad person.” By painting the marriage as bad, regardless of the veracity of the claim, the actions become justified.

I also read these statements as a cry of insecurity. In essence, “My husband/wife never appreciates me so I need you to fill in the void.” But when we seek validation outside of ourselves, it’s never enough.

The assertion of a bad marriage to an affair partner is also manipulative. It’s a sob story that can used to spur rescuing behavior. “I’ve tried so hard to be a good spouse but I’m a victim of my spouse’s actions.”

Ugh. Just no.

If you’re on the receiving end of these stories, listen between the claims. Watch actions, not words. Think about what this person has to gain by telling you about their bad marriage.

And realize that reality may be very different than the picture they are trying to paint. After all, most people that have affairs claim that they are happy in their marriages.

Yet they say otherwise.

Now of course, marriages can go bad. Some had signs of mold from their inception while others slowly rot over time. If you’re in a souring marriage, you have three choices:

Fix It

Not by changing your spouse. But by changing yourself and your reactions. Instead of blaming your responses on your partner’s actions, dig deeper to uncover why you are upset. What is being triggered? Address that.

How To Release Your Triggers

Accept It

Your spouse isn’t perfect. And neither are you. Marriages have seasons of growth and periods of drought. Are you looking to your spouse to fill a void within yourself? Are you expecting your marriage to magically heal your childhood wounds? Are you assuming that your partner should meet all of your needs?

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

End It

And if the defects are fatal? End it. There’s no reason to keep a marriage on life support forever.

12 Things to Consider Before Ending Your Marriage

Choosing to stay in the marriage while complaining about it is a form of passive acceptance. Yet it’s an acceptance that will keep you (and your marriage) miserable.

7 Reasons People Withdraw in Relationships

It’s really that simple.

Three choices – fix it, accept it or end it.

Make one.