7 Areas to Downsize During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
downsize

One of the most gut-wrenching sensations during divorce is to be by yourself in what was the marital home. It’s a different type of alone than the kind that comes when your spouse is away on a business trip. It’s a hollowing. A fragile glass sphere rattling around in a sharp-edged box with no padding for protection. It’s a tangible experience of the loss, the cleaving. The house feels deserted. An empty vessel that once held life and possibilities now only serves as a backdrop for memories.

And the house isn’t the only area that is often too big after divorce. The life you built with your partner expanded to hold both you. And maybe you’re lost within its generous boundaries. Divorce can be a time for contraction, a time for simplification and retreat.

The following are 7 areas you may want to consider downsizing during divorce:

Space

A large home requires a large bank account and a large amount of energy, both of which may be in short supply during your divorce. There is a freedom that can be found in occupying a smaller space. Be honest about your needs and your resources. If you do not have kids, this can be a great time to rent a room or move into the city. If you have children, consider other options within their school district. If you are staying in the marital home, simplify it. Consider how you can save time and money around the house. And, by all means, make the space your own.

It can feel strange moving from home ownership back to apartment life. It feels like back-sliding, especially in our culture where owning a home is both a status symbol and a sign of adulthood. But this isn’t a time to worry about keeping up with the Jonees. This is a time for rest and recharge. The Joneses be damned.

Obligations

Many of us are overextended. We have obligations to family, work and friends. We then weigh those even more by piling on the “shoulds,” which are simply self-imposed obligations. Divorce is a time of letting go. Not just of the marriage, but of anything that is clutter in your life. Consider all of your commitments. Do they still fit? Are there some that no longer serve you and your life purpose? Release them. Practice saying “no” when asked to carry additional weight. If you have been lax about boundaries in your personal or professional life, now is a great time to reinforce them. And if people take offense at your new, less sycophantic self, just blame it on post-divorce psychosis.

Belongings

Clutter tends to accumulate not only in our obligations, but also in our closets. Go through your stuff and sell what you can (check with your attorney first if you’re still in the legal process); you probably need money now more than you need that fancy watch or cute shoes that are too expensive to actually wear. Purge your mementos from the marriage. Even if you want to keep some, you have no reason to keep them all. Too much is paralyzing, especially when we are already weakened. So remove the excess and find peace in the space left behind.

Friends

Divorce has a way of revealing your true friends. You learn that some of those you thought had your back, only had it in smooth seas and sunny days. This isn’t a time to be overly concerned with social niceties and excessive politeness. If a friend is making you feel lousy or anxious, let them go. Invest your energy in the relationships that help to build you up and make you feel connected.

Television

During divorce, your brain practically demands distractions. Reality is pretty sucky and so anything seems preferable. Even (or maybe especially) bad television. Now, I’m not saying you have to cancel your cable or disavow your Netflix, but I am recommending you set limits. Television is an attractive escape because it is a passive one, requiring nothing of you other than attention. But its very nature acts a pause button. Because while you’re watching, nothing else is happening. You may be distracted, but you’re also not changing anything. The pain will still be there when the power is clicked “off.”

Social Media

Social media is a double-edged sword during divorce. It allows you to be connected to friends and family across the world in a time when you need all the support you can get. On the other hand, it has a devious way of showing you pictures of your ex, smiling with a new partner. And even if you manage to avoid the jarring pictures of your ex moving on, there is still the Photoshopped world that makes you feel less than. Be judicious in your consumption of social media. Maybe shift to phone calls/texts/emails with the people who matter and ignore for a time the people that don’t.

Worries

Don’t sweat the small stuff. Yet, in divorce, even the small stuff feels big. Try to focus on what is really important:

Do you have a place to live (even temporarily)?

Do you have a source of income?

Are your children safe?

Are your basic needs being met (food, safety, sleep, etc.)?

Do you have a support system?

Cool. Everything else is just details. Release your worries. You don’t have to know everything today. Just the next step.

Related: 7 Areas to Upsize During Divorce

Who Do You Turn To For Help With Your “Character Building Experiences?”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I recently read a synopsis of a study that demonstrated that people receive a more empathic response from someone who has not been through a particular difficult experience than from someone who had survived something similar.

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At first glance, it seems counterintuitive. After all, who knows how rough it is better than someone who has lived it?

But that’s not the whole story.

Because the people that have experienced the trauma have been changed by it.

And that alters not only their perception, but also their response.

Protective Amnesia vs. Unrestrained Fears

I remember trying on the idea of living without my husband a few years before he left. The exercise wasn’t prompted by anything in the relationship; I was simply reacting to the news of a coworker’s impending split by trying to put myself in her shoes.

And I couldn’t wait to take them off again. My imagination went wild and my pulse followed suit. It was her living nightmare and it was my envisaged one. I responded with nothing but, “I am so sorry” and “That has to be so scary,” using my own unrestrained fears as a bridge to her situation.

It’s different now. I’ve lived those fears. But, to be completely honest, I don’t really remember the pain in the rawest sense. I know I felt it; I can read my journals and emails and see the devastation in the pictures of me from that time. But it’s almost like it happened to someone else.

My brain has slid a protective cloth over the worst of it, softening the pain like the sun’s harsh rays through a gauzy curtain. The protective amnesia allows me to function without the sharp memory of the pain. And it also means I can easily underestimate how bad it really was and how horrible it is for someone else in a similar position.

Known Present vs. Imagined Future

When we haven’t experienced something, we have no benchmarks. No reality checks. It’s all imagination and prediction. When somebody’s character is being tested, it’s easy to use their current situation as a template for their future, assuming that the way it is is the way it will be. Face to the tree and blind to the forest.

But once we’ve been there, we see the larger picture from our vantage point above the woodland. We appreciate the struggle and yet we know that it is able to be mastered.

But when someone still has the imprint of the bark on their flesh, the last thing they want to hear is about the view from the top. And yet sometimes the message they need to hear is that there is a top somewhere above the trees.

Progression vs. Isolation of Thought

It you want a hug and commiseration, you may be better off turning to somebody who has never been through your trial. They will view your situation as it is. Isolated. You will be nurtured and they will cry along with you.

If you want reassurance that it can get better along with a kick in the pants, talk to someone who has been there. They know the progression of effort that it takes to climb out. And in many cases, they appreciate the gifts hidden within their struggle It may not feel as nice to hear their perspective, but sometimes a dose of tough love is needed.

They were once in a position where they didn’t know if they would survive.

And yet they did.

And they know you can too.

The Ex Purge: How to Break Up in the Digital Age

Posted on by stilllearning2b

From the moment I came home to my husband’s cleaned-out office and a typed letter on the kitchen island, I became a certified professional level cyber stalker. I used Google Earth to get a bird’s eye view of the home he was staying in with his other wife. I learned her school and employment history. I discovered where she grew up and I even found her sister’s name. I compulsively read her blog, where I found pictures of her and mentions of my, I mean our, husband. I even had to endure a description of them showering with monkeys on a trip to Uganda shortly before the court date for the divorce. As I read about their seemingly happy travels, I couldn’t help but wish they encountered monkeys throwing poo.

Fifty years ago, if a spouse disappeared, they disappeared. There were no options for information short of hiring a private investigator. But today, we can all be P.I.s with nothing more than a phone. It’s a bit scary when so much information is available so easily.

I was obsessed. Driven. Once I started looking, I couldn’t stop. Each new image or tidbit of information made me feel ill.

But the sad part? The part that kept me going? It also gave me a thrill. Not in a good way, but in an addiction-feeding way. It was like an itch I couldn’t scratch. Chasing the dragon of information into a rabbit’s hole of social media. With each click, I felt worse and yet somehow I expected the next click to make me feel better.

But it never did.

Instead, all it did was drive my addiction for information.

I felt like I needed to know what he was doing and where he was. Part of it was learning to let go of him; for 16 years, I always knew (or at least thought I knew) where he was. It took time to adjust to no longer needing to know about his life. Part of it was driven by the divorce process; evidence of his whereabouts and activities were fed to the lawyers to bolster the case and refute his outrageous claims. And part of it was that I hoping to find some sign that he was not happy. That he regretted his decision. I wanted some sign that he missed me.

And I never did.

I knew that this obsession wasn’t healthy. I could feel the itch growing stronger with each scratch, worrying the wounds open and allowing them to fester. In the weeks leading up to court date, the behavior grew along with my anxiety about the possibility of seeing him again and of the outcome of the court’s decisions. I was consumed and it was eating me alive.

So I decided to fight back. I set a date – March 12, the day after the court appearance – as the last time I would ever look for information on him again. On that morning, still riding high from the relief of the conclusion of the legal process, I checked the wife’s blog one more time. She didn’t mention her husband’s divorce. I wasn’t surprised. I closed the window, cleared the search memory on my computer and packed away all of the papers around my desk that held the results of my searches. It felt a little scary, cutting that last tie. But I felt in control again.

I was done; I would never look again.

And I stuck to it, resisting the urge even when I learned information from a television producer that made it sound as though he had new charges pending. I didn’t dig when Jeff Probst informed me about the felony warrant. And I didn’t even think about talking to Google when I saw him two years ago at a local festival.

It was a complete and total ban. A self-imposed safe-search filter that has no work-around.

Want to institute a similar ban yourself? Here are some suggestions:

Be Firm

This is no time for moderation. Facebook posts are not like food; you can survive without them. This is all or none. Commit to none.

Put It In Writing

Write down your conviction. It helps to make it more real and makes it a little more difficult for your brain to try to justify “just one click.” In the beginning, make sure a written version of your ban is visible. You can even change your wallpaper on your devices to a reminder to stay safely away from that rabbit hole.

Dig Into the Why

Explore, preferably in writing, why you feel the need to view these pictures and read this information. What do you gain from it? How does it make you feel?

Enlist Others

It’s difficult not to turn to your preferred search engine when you hear a tantalizing piece of gossip from somebody about your ex. So, ask them to help you stay clean. Explain what you’re doing (and maybe add a dash of why you’re doing it) and request that they not pass along any information to you.

Watch the Precursors

Be mindful of the times and/or situations that make you more prone to initiating a search. Is it when you’re lonely? Bored? Facing an anniversary? Prepare a change of venue or activity ahead of time that can be implemented during those dangerous times. For example, I knew that I was more inclined to look when I was feeling anxious. So, I would go for a run (sans phone) whenever my nerves were singing.

Understand the Limitations

Social media is a Photoshopped version of real life. You’re seeing what people want you to see; not the reality of the totality of their lives. When you are concluding that your ex is over the moon because of a particularly sappy photo, you’re doing the same thing as a teenage girl comparing herself to an edited supermodel. It’s not real. Don’t spend your days contrasting your real life with a fantasy.

Verbalize Your Urges

When you feel the urge to look, say it out loud. Yes, you’ll feel silly. That’s partly the point. When you verbalize your drive, you are pulling it into your conscious mind where you have more control over what you do with it.

Remove the Triggers

Clear your history. Unfriend as needed. Remove associated reminders from your surroundings. Do everything you can to avoid seeing anything that opens that door.

Plan Alternatives

Sometimes the drive to look becomes so powerful that it demands action. So have an alternative lined up. What will you do when the pull becomes too great to resist?

Use Technology

There are countless apps and programs that deny you access to your social media accounts for a set period of time. These can be useful when you’re feeling particularly vulnerable.

Create a Virtual Hug

Surround yourself with images from your life that make you feel happy and hopeful.

Prepare for Slip-Ups

You may fall off the wagon. That’s okay. Plan ahead to make sure you don’t stay off. If you start looking, set a timer. When it goes off, you’re done. After a cyber-stalking binge, go on a technology diet, restricting your access until you feel at peace again. Have a “sponsor” at the ready, a friend who knows of your plan and is supportive. Reach out when you need to borrow somebody else’s will power.

Like with anything, removing your ex from your digital life becomes easier with time. And as the urges fade, it’s replaced with peace. You no longer what he or she is up to. And you no longer care.

Because you’re too busy creating your life.

Related: What Happens to the Ones Who Leave?

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Reframe

Posted on by stilllearning2b

reframe

Heart Break – Heart Attacks After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A recent study has shown that people who have been divorced are at a higher risk of having a heart attack at some point. Interestingly, the risks are higher for women then men and remarriage has more of a protective effect on men than women.

The study’s authors propose that perhaps divorce is more stressful on women and that women often face a greater economic impact from divorce. Data backs up the second claim, but the first is more tenuous. After all, men are discouraged from showing pain and weakness and are less likely to seek and receive help post-divorce. So, is it perceived as harder on women only because women are more likely to talk about it?

There was one factor that seemed to be a glaring omission from the study – the impact of children. Was there a correlation between the number, ages and custody of the kids and an elevated risk of a heart attack? It certainly seems plausible that the stress of being a primary caregiver for the kids could be a contributing factor to heart disease.

I’m glad to see research such as this carried out. It illustrates the impact of divorce and speaks to the importance of self-care after a stressful life change. And the more we understand, the more we can address. Perhaps making divorce just a little less painful.