The Danger Of Holding On

Posted on by stilllearning2b
holding on

One of my guilty (okay, so I don’t really feel guilty about it but it seems like I should) summer pleasures is catching a few minutes of television during the day. Last week, I saw the last few segments of the show, My 600-Pound Life. In this episode, a super-morbidly obese woman was in the hospital and being considered for bariatric surgery. The surgeon was reticent, both because of the patient’s extreme size and her refusal to attempt to walk.

It was the latter issue that grabbed my attention.

There were several scenes shown that all followed the same pattern:

“You need to walk. It’s critical for your health and recovery.”

“I can’t walk. I just can’t do it. I’m not feeling well.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I just don’t feel well.”

“I’m going to get some people here to help you get up.”

After the nurses or EMTs were summoned, they would surround her and using the sheet, would prop her into a sitting position and then slowly slide her legs off the bed until her feet were on the floor.

“I can’t! I can’t! Get me back up!” she cried at every attempt, even before her weight was fully on her feet.

Over the many months that these scenes span, you see her health decline as the frustration of her son and her doctor continue to rise.

Meanwhile, the featured woman is holding on to her conviction that she cannot walk, holding on to the weight encasing and imprisoning her and holding on to her identity as helpless.

START NOW

Just down the street from me, a new sign appeared last week advertising a soon-to-be-constructed storage facility. Although I should know better, I was shocked to see one in my area, which is mainly populated with large (and in the cases of the neighborhoods built in the last 15 years, huge) homes, most of which have basements because of the topography. There are few apartments and not many military personal, since it is not located near any of the bases.

In other words, there should not be much of a need for additional storage. But apparently, there is. The storage company’s research must have indicated that these families living in 2,500+ square foot homes need even more space to hold their belongings.

And I wonder how many of those storage units end up like my ex-in-law’s – rarely opened, never inventoried and filled with ever-decaying detritus even as they write a monthly check so that they can hold on to their belongings. Paying rent simply to avoid letting go.

I’m reading a book right now that features a woman who struggles with infertility. My heart ached for her as her hopes and grief grew with each successive miscarriage. I was elated when one pregnancy finally resulted in a healthy baby. Now, I thought, she has what she wants and get busy loving her child and reconnecting with her husband.

But at least so far, it’s not that simple. The woman has trouble appreciating what she has because of all that she has lost. Her attention and energy is devoted to the babies that didn’t make it rather than the one who did. And her grasp on the past is pushing away those who occupy her present.

There is always a cost for holding on.

The choice to keep one thing – an object, a belief, an emotion – always comes at the expense of something else.

It’s scary to let go.

We fear the loss more than we anticipate the freedom of space.

We surround our choice with justifications, clouding our judgement and defending our decision.

We identify with our collections, worrying that by paring them done, we somehow cut off a bit of ourselves.

But there is always a cost for holding on.

Grasping one thing means forgoing another.

It’s scary to let go. But sometimes that opens us up to reach for something better.

The woman in the show finally let go of her belief that she couldn’t walk. And those first few steps, supported by a walker and several attendants, were magical to watch. Her face filled not only with a smile, but with hope and confidence. She released the anchor and set sail on a new life.

How to Save a Marriage In 10 Steps

Posted on by stilllearning2b

1) See the Marriage You Have

Before you have any chance of saving your marriage, you have to see your marriage. Not the marriage you think you have or the marriage you want to have or even the marriage you used to have, but the marriage that sits in front of you today. See the pitfalls and see the potential.

Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

Assuming that at least one person want to make the relationship work (after all, you are reading “How to Save a Marriage,”), a marriage that is in trouble can fall into one of four categories based upon the intent and effort of the other spouse.

Partner’s Intent

Before you attempt to administer CPR to your marriage, make sure you understand which category you’re working with and what your role is in the situation. After all, trying to breathe life into something that is already expired only steals your breath away.

Finding Happiness After an Unwanted Divorce

2) Establish Boundaries

Take some time to solidify your thoughts about the marriage you want. What are your non-negotiables? Have they changed over the duration of the marriage? How long are you willing to live in limbo while the marriage is being worked on? Does that change if you’re the only one expending effort?

Til Death Do You Part?

There are no right or wrong answers here, but you have to be honest with yourself. And then with your partner. Be careful with your wording. Ultimatums rarely work (i.e. “If you don’t start doing X by next Tuesday, I’m done.”). Instead, frame it as a proposal (i.e. “I’ve realized I really need a marriage that has X. I’m willing to give us three months to see if we can make that happen. Is this something you can agree to?”).

You have the right to feel safe within your marriage. You have the right to be treated with respect. What you allow is what will continue. Of course, that also means that you have to be willing to walk away.

Stuck In a Bad Marriage? These Are Your Three Choices

3) Put On Your Gloves

Put on your gloves; it’s gonna get dirty. No, not the boxing gloves. The work gloves. Staying with the status quo is easy. Change is difficult. And change when it deals with emotions and ego and fear and family? Yeah.

Part of saving a marriage is being willing to do the dirty work. It’s facing the truth about your own hang-ups and fears. And it’s being willing to face your partner’s independent thoughts and intentions. There’s no room for deflection or defensiveness. You will get muddy. Just accept it. Because the only way to change something is to meet it head-on.

START NOW

4) Apply Your Own Oxygen Mask

At the end of the day, your choices and actions are the only ones that you can control. So make sure they’re adaptive ones.

Dig into your own triggers and unresolved issues. Get help if you need it. If life has become stagnant, re-engage in your passions and interests. Put yourself on your to-do list and take responsibility for ensuring that your needs are met.

It is not your spouse’s job to make you happy. Or safe. Or fulfilled. That’s on you. A marriage is only healthy if both of the individuals are healthy.

What Do You Owe Your Spouse?

5) Replace Blame With Appreciation

Who would you rather spend time with – somebody who consistently accuses you of wrongdoing or somebody who recognizes your efforts and attributes? It’s easy to point out someone’s shortcomings in the hope that they will change. But that only backfires. Instead, nurture the good in your partner. Let them know that you see and appreciate their assets.

Now, your partner may have been behaving badly. Perhaps very badly. Avoiding blame does not mean that you excuse their choices (see boundaries). It just means that you don’t rub their noses in it. Because if your only goal is to make them feel badly, why are you wanting to save the marriage?

The Four Agreements In Marriage

6) Be Intentional

Think of saving a marriage like applying for a business loan. Before issuing a check, the bank would want to know your overall business goals, the steps you’re going to take to reach them, the tools and support you will need and your plans for various setbacks.

A marriage will not improve if you don’t put effort into it. In fact, part of the reason you may be in this position is that you (and/or your partner) may not have been intentional in your actions and your marriage slowly came to a stop without the added push.

This is your life. Steer, don’t drift.

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

vow

7) Introduce Novelty

One of the most common utterances from people who have had affairs is that it “makes them feel alive.” And that’s no accident. We all adapt to our surroundings and no longer notice what is always there. And that even holds true for spouses.

Now, luckily, you don’t need to seek out a different bed to spice things up. Break out of your routine. Engage in a new activity and allow yourself to see your spouse in a different light. Don’t worry about what you “should” do. Let go and embrace the curiosity and wonder of a child.

Passionate Protection

8) Re-Imagine Your Marriage

The marriage you have isn’t working. Maybe it’s time to change how it looks. In order to survive, a marriage has to be adaptable.

Life always changes. Kids come and go. Careers shift. Demands come and go. And the marriage that worked at one life stage may not work in another. If you want to save your marriage, you may need to reinvent your marriage.

Have a conversation (or more!) about what role you want marriage to play in your life. What needs do you want it to meet? Where are you inflexible and where are you willing to change?

There’s More Than One Way to Wear a Wedding Ring

9) Refrain From Grasping

It’s natural to grip tightly when you’re afraid that something is slipping away from you. The problem with grasping is twofold: First, it serves to smother your partner, encouraging him or her to escape in order to breathe. Secondly, grasping is based in fear and that fear will blind you to reality.

Work to self-soothe. Manage your anxieties. Surround yourself with support. Build your confidence.

You will be okay no matter what happens with your marriage. And trusting that you can be okay alone is critical to being okay in a relationship.

10) Make the Marriage Your Priority

Sometimes, we get so fixated on our spouse that we lose focus on the bigger picture. If you want to save the marriage, make the marriage your priority. Even in those moments when you’re mad at your spouse, stay committed to the relationship.

Make sure your words and actions align with your goal. Set your ego to the side; it will be bruised. But it can take it. Face your fears. I know it’s scary. The first step always is. But then the second step is easier.

Ultimately, you alone cannot save your marriage. The mathematics of marriage state that 1+1=2, yet 2-1=0. In other words, it takes two to make a marriage work and only one to destroy it.

If your partner does not want to make the marriage work, you cannot support it alone. But that doesn’t mean you’re powerless. Work on making you better. Whether that better you is married or not.

Don’t Believe In Divorce? Sadly, It May Not Matter

Your Story Matters

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We make sense of the world through stories.

I grew up in a church with a very talented pastor. Although I hated sitting through most of the Sunday morning service with its words that were meaningless to me at the time and the repetition that dulled my senses, I always looked forward to the fifteen minutes that held the sermon.

Because it wasn’t a lecture. It wasn’t a speech.

It was a story.

Sometimes the story came straight from the scripture, the language massaged into a more modern vernacular and the characters brought to life.

But more often, it was a story straight from the pastor’s life. And as his words flowed, rising and falling as they filled the sanctuary, my mind would begin to process and anticipate and question. Although he was the only one speaking, the story created a dialog. We were not merely listeners; we were participants.

Every Sunday, I would travel with the pastor’s words. I would straddle the place between his story and my own. Pulling pieces from my own experience to make sense of the one he was relating. It always felt as though he was speaking just to me because every narrative spoke directly to something I could understand.

Because that’s what stories do.

life's waves

One of the greatest gifts of stories is that they are inclusive. By their very nature, they invite everyone in by weaving a narrative that everyone can follow. A good storyteller can make you feel like a first-time father even when you’re a little girl or put you in the shoes of a desert nomad when you’ve never left your hometown.

Because even though the details of the stories differ, gifted storytellers understand that the threads creating the stories all come from the same cloth. All stories – from Dr. Suess to Dr. Martin Luther King – speak of struggle and triumph, love and loss, growth and stagnation, adventure and return, creation and destruction, hope and despair. And above all, the triumph of the human spirit and the importance of building relationships with ourselves, others and the world as a whole.

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I heard a wonderful interview on NPR the other day with the noted storyteller Mama Koku. The show’s host asked her if it was difficult to craft a story for children that touched on difficult topics. “Not at all,” Mama Koku responded. She explained that most stories use allegory to tiptoe up on more challenging topics and that children are experts (even better than adults) at reading the subtext and pulling out the deeper meaning. She discussed the stories of Br’er Rabbit, which are based upon slavery and used to pass along the message that even those that appear powerless often have more power than they realize.

And stories often have more power than we realize.

We have evolved to remember through stories. Scientists have found that people can remember many more facts when they are woven into a story than when they are delivered in isolation. The best teachers know this, telling tales about their subject matter. Creating characters, action, crisis and resolution.

But our brains don’t only yearn for stories to help us remember.

Stories also help us understand.

Our brains hate isolated pieces of information as much as someone with OCD despises an unfinished puzzle. Our minds demand that the new information be placed within an existing narrative framework. We want to understand.

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And the narrative we choose changes our understanding.

You can see this play out every day if you’re observant. Listen to a segment on MSNBC about some recent event. And then watch the complimentary segment on Fox News. The event is the same, but the narratives create very different meanings as causes are assigned, language is chosen and the story is fleshed out. You can see it in your friends and acquaintances and how they view similar life events through very different lenses. Maybe you can see it in yourself and your siblings, the narratives you crafted above yourselves as children following you into adulthood.

Stories provide clarity.

It’s difficult (if not impossible) to see ourselves or a situation we are involved in with complete clarity. We are simply too close to gain perspective. Sometimes it’s easier to see yourself in a reflection.

Much like Mama Koku uses her voice to tell children how powerful they are, use your story to tell yourself how powerful you are.

Your story matters.

First and foremost, it matters for you. Do you continue to weave tales from the threads of past traumas? It’s easy to do. Whenever I sense a distance in my husband, the first yarn my brain spins is one of abandonment. It fits the current information into an old template. An incorrect template. And simply by choosing a different narrative, I can change my entire viewpoint and settle my panicking brain.

Do your narratives place you in a victim role? Do they speak of bad events pummeling your helpless body like meteors falling to earth? Or, do the stories you build around life events view struggles as obstacles that build strength even as they build tension?

obstacles

Your story matters.

You cannot choose what happens to you. But you can chose how you view it and, in turn, how you respond. Zoom out from the bad event. How do you want that to fit into the bigger picture? What purpose will it serve? What lessons will it impart? If it was a children’s tale being delivered by Mama Koku, what core truth would it reveal?

Your brain will choose a narrative regardless of what you do. But don’t you want to have influence over the choice? After all, it’s your life you’re talking about.

Your story matters.

Perhaps more than you even realize. Because even without intending to, we pass down our stories to our friends, our families. Our children.

And much like the small version of myself learning about the nature of the world and my place (and power) in it from the hard pew of my childhood church, your story is teaching those around you.

Yes, your story matters.

Make it a good one.

Happily Ever After

Leap of Faith

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I jumped out of a plane last Saturday.

Go back and look at those first two words again. They’re important.

Skydiving was added to my bucket list shortly after my divorce. And, thanks to a friend’s encouragement and leg-work, it was finally scheduled to happen last weekend. I spent the hours (almost a two-hour drive from my home) and minutes leading up to the actual jump thinking about one moment in particular – the one spent in the doorway when the decision is made to leave the relative safety of the plane’s bare metal floor for the unknown of the sky, with the nearest floor 14,000 feet below.

And I wasn’t sure I’d be up to making that decision.

My instructor, strapped to my back while we both straddled the narrow bench seat in an awkward parody of two high school students sneaking in some PDA, walked me through what to expect:

“We’ll slide up the bench together. Stand up when you reach the end and duck walk over to the door. Stand at the opening with your legs bent. You can either have your toes at the edge or you can hang them over the edge. I’ll say ‘ready’ and rock forward, ‘set’ and rock back and then when I say ‘go,’ jump.”

“Oh, my toes will definitely not be hanging over the edge,” I said laughing at myself.

“Oh come on,” one of the other instructors said, “What’s the worst that could happen? You might fall out of a plane?”

Wait. Yeah, I guess that is the worst that could happen.

His words had a way of putting it all in perspective.

Although I thought differently at the time, I am now so thankful that my first marriage ended the way it did. I never had to take that leap of faith, leaving the relative security of a known marriage for the unknown vastness beyond. I didn’t jump; I was shoved off the marriage. And by the time I realized what happened, there were no choices left to be made.

On Sunday, I took that leap of faith. When I heard the hard “g” of “go,” I made that jump. It’s funny. I had spent so much time thinking about leaving the plane, I never spent much energy thinking about what free fall would feel like. So it caught me by surprise.

There’s no feeling of falling. The main sensation comes from the wind, stealing away breath (and taking my screams away with it) and buffeting the ears. The closest experience I can compare it to is the wind when you’re on a motorcycle with an open helmet or the feeling of being at the bow of a speedboat (without the hard slaps of the nose of the boat on the water).

But the best part of free fall is that you have only one choice: acceptance.

After all, there’s only one way to go.

Once the chute opens, the wind’s assault is replaced with a calm sense of floating. Even though you’re still moving rapidly towards the earth (about 15ft/sec at that point), your brain doesn’t register it as falling. In fact, from the moment I stepped off the plane, my brain seemed to be screaming, “What the $@#%?” It took it most of the day to process what just happened.

Interestingly, when I stood up after the soft landing, my legs were not shaky as they usually are after a release of adrenaline. Instead, I felt peaceful. Calm. Happy.

And lazy. It’s funny, whenever I thought about being productive that afternoon, my brain kicked up the excuse, “What you just jumped out of a plane. And now you want to do laundry???”

I acquiesced and spent the remainder of the day at the pool.

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Before the jump.

I started my divorce in free fall. I had to accept the situation even as my brain was screaming that we were going to die. Although it was a solo jump that time, I was lucky to have others coaching me on how to orient myself again and how to activate my chute. That landing wasn’t as gentle as the one last Sunday, but it felt just as good to be back on the ground.

I often talk with people when they are contemplating leaving the known space of their marriage. A marriage that has become a malfunctioning plane. And they are trying to decide if they have the tools to repair the engine, if the plane is in less distress than it appears or if they will be more likely to survive by jumping off.

And it’s funny. Just like I was on Sunday, they’re so focused on that leap, the rest blurs into some vague prediction. But like my instructor last weekend, I’ve been there and I know they’ll be surprised by the experience and that they’ll land safely when it’s time.

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The jump is the hard part.

It’s a leap of faith.

It’s trusting that you have the ability to navigate.

It’s trusting that your team has the knowledge to coach you through the transition.

And it’s trusting that you’ll make it to solid ground again.

Peaceful. Calm. And happy.

I decided not to pay the $$ for the action photos, so here's the proof that I went through with it!
I decided not to pay the $$ for the action photos, so here’s the proof that I went through with it!

New Coaching Course Available!

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I just released a new course on Udemy: Thriving After Divorce.

First day special – the first 30 people to commit to thriving will receive 30% off. Check out the video below to see how this course can help you!

I am super excited about this course. It offers the content I use in my one-on-one coaching sessions for a fraction of the cost and is available on your schedule.

-28 motivational and inspirational videos

-84 journal prompts specifically written to help guide you through the common struggles after divorce

-12 sections of strategies you can apply to your life to create positive change

Come join me and learn how you can get your happy back!!

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