Wanted: The Ronald McDonald House for the Recently Separated

Posted on by stilllearning2b
English: The Ronald McDonald House (1705 Clinc...
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The Ronald McDonald House is an organization that provides free or low-cost housing for families who have a child undergoing treatment in a hospital in a city away from their hometown.  The homes are designed to be welcoming and comfortable, providing a haven for the family while they are dealing with stress and uncertainty.

I think that same model could work for the recently separated.

When my ex left,  I found myself with I home a could not afford (literally or emotionally), no family in the city where I was employed, and I knew that I should not live alone (not that I was in any shape to go apartment hunting).  I was fortunate.  Very fortunate.  A friend and her husband immediately offered their spare bedroom, even though they had just brought home an adopted preemie that had problems of her own.  I went from 2000 square feet to 200.  It was perfect.

That home, which I was in for a year,  was a key component of my healing.  It was a safe place, filled with the sounds and energy of family.  It was space where I could cry, scream, and curse.  It was a house that provided normalcy, as my friend and I engaged in our usual debates.  It was a place for gaining strength, the baby and I both placed on weight-gaining diets.  It was a home that welcomed me, as I  was.

Not everyone undergoing a divorce has the opportunity to be in such a place.  But maybe they should.  Perhaps we could have transitional homes for those who are leaving one life behind and unsure of what the new life will entail.  Homes where discussions of depositions, custody, and infidelity are just normal nighttime ramblings.  Spaces where we can scream the anger out and cry the hurt out, until we are ready to leave intact, ready to face the world again.

I don’t see Ronald McDonald taking up this cause, so let’s help each other by creating safe spaces for those navigating the pain of an unanticipated and unwanted major life renovation.

Psychology May be a Soft Science, But She Drives a Hard Bargain

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Statue of Pax in the garden of Pavlovsk Palace

I used to think that I could reason my way through anything.  I viewed psychology and the other soft sciences with derision, much preferring the absolutes of the harder sciences and mathematics.  I thought I could if-then my way through anything, repair any damage with deduction, and apply analytical reasoning to solve any dilemma.

I was wrong.

Psychology may be a soft science, but she drives a hard bargain.  She lets her influence be felt, even if her presence is ignored or denied.  We can try to avoid her, turning our minds away, but she is still there.  Influencing our thoughts, driving our behaviors, pressing on our insecurities.  We can pretend as though we are strong enough to not feel her sway, but it is an illusion. In fact, the more she is ignored, the more powerful she becomes.  She has the power to destroy, to eat from the inside out.  It is best to befriend her, to listen to her and try to understand.  Accept her ways and feel her influence.  Allow her intuition to soften deduction.  Embrace the feelings she shares with your analytical mind.  Welcome her and she will only make you stronger, reinforcing reasoning with her gentle touch.

Psychology may drive a hard bargain, but it’s a bargain you’ll want to take.

 

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Death of a Shared Past, or Why Fluid Dynamics Makes Me Smile Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Several years ago, my then husband and I were on the interstate heading out to our weekly Costco run. The roads were packed and traffic was doing that infuriating start-stop thing where we averaged about .87 mph. I took that opportunity to share the information from an article I had read that applied the theory of fluid dynamics to traffic congestion (disclaimer for those new to the site: I am a geek). I was excited about the research, animated. I used the cars around us to demonstrate the ideas in the article. He thought I was bit nuts. From that point forward, every time we were stuck in traffic, he would make a joke about “damn fluid dynamics.” It became part of our shared past.

Traffic Congestion

I am an only child and I have lost contact will all of my childhood friends. My ex was the only person in my peer group that spanned across the decades of my life. I do not miss him, but I do miss the shared past. I now have entire mental storerooms of jokes and remembrances and no one to share them with. I am building a new shared past with my current partner, but, by definition, it takes time to build a history.

But for now, when I am stuck in traffic, I think of fluid dynamics and smile alone.

Mobius Mind

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Do you ever feel as though you are stuck in an endless loop, replaying your past a la Groundhog Day, in your mind?  It is all too easy to become stuck on a mental Möbius strip, an endless loop with only side.  In this pattern, you are revisiting the past, perhaps assigning blame or experiencing guilt, but achieving no outcomes, no benefits.  We play the “what if” game as if we are living within a choose your own adventure novel where we can simply go back and choose another path to follow.

Infinite Loop II

How do we get off the never-ending ride of the Möbius mind?  The first step is to recognize that you are stuck on an endless feedback loop, acknowledge your mental playback.  Next, look at your patterns; where are you focusing?  What triggers your thoughts?  What events are central to this repeat performance?  The reason this replays in your mind is that you have not yet gone deep enough into your feelings surrounding the event.  You have not learned the lessons central to the story, so your mind is replaying it again and again hoping that the repetition will allow you to learn.  Yes, the mind is a relentless teacher.

Go where it is uncomfortable.  Acknowledge your responsibility.  Your pain.  Your shame. Your anger. Your fear.  Learn from it.  And then let it go.  When you face the emotions triggered by the past head-on and then release them, you will find that your Möbius strip unravels and allows you to move on and continue your adventure.

Above Lobbocks The narrowness of the singletra...

 

 

 

Fifty Shades of Gray Through the Eyes of a Divorcee

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Fifty Shades of Grey at SeaTac newsstand

I read this book last week on assignment from a coworker.  She has the delightful idea of have a Fifty Shades of Gray party, which sounds like the perfect way to blow off some steam after two weeks of standardized testing.  I must admit, I was curious to read the book and see what all the buzz was about.

Let’s be frank.  It’s erotica.  Not that great.  Not that unique.  It’s spiced up with a little BDSM, but even that is pretty tame, at least in the first book.  The characters are unbelievable (22 and never really been kissed?  please!) and the writing a bit tedious at times.  So, why the appeal?

I did have a few insights as to why the book gained so much popularity, especially among the divorced crowd.

For those of us on the other side of a marriage, we have lost faith in the binding nature of that contract.  It has become a piece of paper, easily torn.  The characters in  Fifty Shades of Gray spend an inordinate amount of time debating the stipulations of their contract.  I could see the appeal, the comfort, that would be brought by such a document.  It spells out exactly the terms of the partnership and responsibilities of each person.  There is no gray area, no room for interpretation.

The contract gives a sense of security in the relationship, essentially saying, “You do these things and it will be okay.”  Real life certainly doesn’t come with assurance like that.

Many women probably enjoy the return to innocence that can be found in the female character. It can take them back to a time before their views of relationships were sullied.  They can experience those early thrills again through her doe-like eyes.

Most of all; however, the book is simply sex.  And, due to its popularity, it is sex that is safe for public consumption and discussion, encouraging women to be open about their thoughts and desires.  That is the true value of the book.

Well, that and Fifty Shades of Gray parties, of course:)

(You can find my full story in my book Lessons From the End of a Marriage.)

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