Guest Post: Homeostasis, Interrupted

Posted on by stilllearning2b

While I am out of town for a few days, I will be sharing posts from a series of awesome guest bloggers. This post is from Tara, who describes herself as

… a recently divorced, single mom.  I work as a Clinical Social Worker with kids.  I obsess over coffee, being by the water and politics, not necessarily in that order.

She can be found on Twitter at @goog927 and on her blog, I’m Right. So What.

I love her insight into habits and preservation of the status quo. It’s something we all do, even when we’re not aware.

Homeostasis, Interrupted.

The toughest part of that Friday evening was knowing I just chose to leave both the consistency and familiarity behind, two things my marriage undoubtedly provided me.

The problem was that it was consistent emptiness, especially the last 3 years. It was consistently being on my own, in my interests and values; consistently longing for an escape.  It was a familiar sense of growing regret and questioning; questioning him, me our family and friends.  I was all too familiar with not looking forward to him walking in the door after work.  Familiar with the sense of dread I felt at the prospect of knowing I would have to pull the trigger.

But it was consistency and familiarity nonetheless.  I knew what to expect every day.  We had our routines, although mostly separate.  We knew each others buttons, vulnerabilities and needs.

This leads me to the concept of homeostasis. Being a therapist, this is a term we throw around often, especially in family therapy, giving possible explanation for why we stay stuck in cycles or behaviors.  Homeostasis is the internal stability we crave as humans and often why we resist change.

So that Friday night, I take the plunge.  A simple question, “Do you want flank steak for dinner?” led to a complicated answer and ultimately the biggest, single decision I’ve ever made, “I don’t even want to be married anymore, let alone a flank steak for dinner.”

No shit.  That’s how it went.  My ability to resist change was no longer. Nothing would be the same from that conversation forward.  Homeostasis, interrupted.

So here I am in the land of Singledom, as a single mom no less, dating with minimal emotional consistency.  I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the stability a marriage can provide. I’m not overly motivated in my beliefs on remarrying one way or the other.  I haven’t sworn off men. In fact, I’ve been dating someone who is pretty great.

There are plenty of couples among us who I observe and think (and sometimes I flat out say) “what the fuck?”  But it works for them even though sometimes that “it” is seemingly dysfunctional.  There’s a certain dance we engage in in our relationships that gives us this sense of familiarity, consistency and, a lot of times, safety.

Point is I think it’s easy to get tripped up and get caught out there.  In fact, I’ve been tested and tempted to lower my standards in lieu of that lost sense of consistency and familiarity.

As a single mom, it was of the utmost importance for me to re-establish stability. I’ve done a pretty good job thus far in creating my new life with my son, navigating and adjusting to various changes, despite the numerous days I’ve struggled not to say ‘fuck it’ and throw in the towel.

The most important thing to remember, something helpful I’ve practiced since shortly after my divorce, is to remind yourself daily to be aware of the authenticity of all of your relationships, not just with potential romantic suitors. When something as life-altering as divorce rocks your world it can be easy to jump back into something less than ideal to regain that sense of homeostasis.

When to Ask the Hard Questions?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first entered the online dating arena 4 1/2 years ago, the choice of providers was simple. I was warned away from OKCupid’s “hook-up” culture (which, from what I hear, has shifted in the years since). eHarmony rejected my “separated” marital status and, besides, they promoted themselves as the site used to find a spouse, which was NOT what I was looking for at the time. And Plenty of Fish only seemed appropriate if I was looking for a future in cradle robbing.

So, Match it was by default.

Their system at the time was pretty straightforward. After paying some money and completing a profile, you could either wink or message people and have the same done to you. The messaging was free response, which led to some interesting emails but also allowed for a quick weeding-out of the potential date pool. I received countless messages like the following:

You have a nice butt. I’d like to meet it in person.

 

Is that a recent picture? The last chick I met looked hot in her photo but was fat in real life.

 

Hi. You look nice. Id like to meat u.

 

Even the more thoughtful and thought-provoking responses didn’t provide any true character or relationship information. All they did was act as a first-level screen, sifting the debris out from the potential gems. The real getting-to-know you happened later.

 

In a conversation with a friend yesterday, I learned about eHarmony’s methodology. After a wink, you have the option of asking your interest a series of questions selected from a list. These are hard-hitting questions, the type that are important, yet frequently overlooked in the early, heady days of lust.

When you are in a relationship, how much alone time do you need?

 

How do you view gender roles?

 

Now, the part I find interesting, is that these are all multiple choice questions.

All you have to do is click on your selection.

No explanations.

No bigger picture.

 

Personally, I have mixed feelings about this approach. I love the fact that eHarmony encourages people to think about the traits that really matter in a relationship (yeah, apart from the butt). However, I have limited faith in the authenticity of a multiple choice response and I fear that people may be rejected for a simple answer to a more complex question. Nuance reduced to a letter.

What are your thoughts? Do you/would you prefer a more natural, open-ended format or do you like the pre-screening of the real questions first?

 

Be What You Want to Attract

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We have a friend who is recently back in the dating scene. When asked what he is looking for, he describes a woman who is motivated, smart, stable and successful. Sounds great, doesn’t it? His problem is that what he attracts doesn’t tick off all four of those desires. She may be smart, but unmotivated, content with the status quo. Or maybe she is successful but also unstable, acting as a drama conduit into the relationship. He knows that these women exist; he sees them every day. He just can’t understand why he does not seem to attract them.

Relationships are not like magnets. With dating, like attracts like. In other words, be what you want to attract.

The reason that he is not finding what he desires is that he does not yet fulfill all of those listed categories himself. Before he can find the woman of his dreams, he has to first turn himself into the man of her dreams.

One of the biggest mistakes people make is entering relationships with the intent of changing the other person. Relationships always require change and compromise. But not for your partner. For yourself.

In the best relationships, your partner does not try to change you. Rather, you want to change yourself in order to be better for your partner.

The first step in dating is deciding what you want and then taking an honest look at yourself to see if you are what you want to attract. If you want motivated, do you continually work to improve yourself? If you want stable, do you avoid needless drama and have your life together? If you want happy, are you happy? If you want trustworthy, do you act with integrity? If you want fit, are you able to turn away from the doughnut table?

If you’re having trouble attracting the men or women you would like, look at the commonalities of those you do attract. There are clues there that will alert you to your own areas of need. Do you repeatedly draw people who always seem to be in crisis? If so, you may have an intensity set point that is too high. Are you attracted to people that always seem to need to be taken care of? Perhaps your own well-being is based on being needed and your own sense of self-worth needs some work.

The partners in a relationship should not complete each other; they should complement each other.

If you want a healthy relationship, the first step is making yourself a healthy individual. Remember – like attracts like. When you’re awesome, that’s what you’ll find.

 

 

Footprints on My Heart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The following was one of the responses to my most recent piece on The Good Men Project about how to love someone who is dealing with issues from past relationships:

 

“I however chose to heal alone and become complete and empowered before seeking a new love. The newly divorced me and the three years divorced me are two very different people and I choose different men also. My baggage was quite a weight to carry, but has made me stronger and I’m more skilled in moving through my life with it. I dont think I would be as adept had I dove into seeking assistance with it.”

 

In some respects, I completely agree with her. I was also significantly altered by my divorce and my interests and attractions changed as a result. I also fully support the idea that it is important to address your trauma and that it is necessary to be whole and happy on your own before you’re even ready to contemplate the idea of a new relationship. And, contrary to how she seems to view my situation, I certainly don’t support diving into a new relationship with the goal of being “saved.”

 

But from there, our opinions diverge.

 

It is not possible to completely heal alone.

Yes, you can learn how to be okay on your own. You can address any triggers or trauma that intrude upon your single life.

But as soon as a relationship enters the picture, new issues, related to the past, will emerge that were unnoticed while alone.

And you learn and adapt.

And then the relationship moves to another level, requiring additional vulnerability and trust. And again, the past will whisper.

So you learn and adapt again.

 

Healing is much more about experiences than time. And some of those experiences can only be done with another.

 

I find that each “first…since” is another trigger potential and another opportunity for healing –

The first time living with a man since my ex.

The first time trusting someone since my ex.

The first time buying a house since my ex.

The first basement-finishing project since my ex.

The first (and last!) time marrying since my ex.

And, soon, the first cruise since my ex (yippee!!!).

 

None of those are a sign that I am not healed enough to be in a relationship again. They are simply a sign that the past left its footprints on my heart.

And just like steps, they have to be taken one at a time.

 

 

How to Love And Be Loved After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve always hated the term “baggage.”

 

It implies that that some people are more trouble than they’re worth because of what has happened in their pasts. That those of us who have had the misfortune of cheating exes or tumultuous divorces are somehow doomed by our experiences. It assumes that our histories are our destinies and that we carry our traumas like an anchor around the neck.

 

Yet the dismissive term of “baggage” ignores the fact that those who have experienced relationship trauma can often make wonderful partners that are more attuned and adept at monitoring and using emotions. That rather than just “getting over it,” many choose to “learn from it,” becoming better and stronger than ever before.

 

Life is not about what happened to us. It’s about how we choose to respond to what happens.

It’s not the baggage that matters. It’s all in how you carry it.

 

My now-husband had every right to run when he first heard my story. At the time we met, I was at the tail end of a very difficult divorce and taking the first shaky steps into my new life. I was no longer shock raw from my ex’s abandonment and betrayals, but I was nowhere near healed. Triggers would lie in wait, ready to pounce when I least expected it. I was overly sensitive in some areas and still numb in others. I wanted to be healed and was making active progress, but the finish line was still far in the distance.

 

And yet even with all of that, my now-husband didn’t run.

 

Instead, he helped me find my way to healed. He didn’t take the steps for me, but he cheered me. Pushed me. Rendered aide when needed. And waited patiently while I journeyed the course.

 

If you are in a partnership with someone who is still healing from a past relationship, you need to know the following:

Read read the rest on The Good Men Project.