A Note to My Readers

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been a surreal day, as I’m sure it’s been for many of you.

Instead of the planned professional development I was supposed to present, I spent the morning packing up my classroom, preparing online lessons and messaging students about classes for the upcoming week. It felt like preparing for summer break but without the excitement.

I stopped at the grocery store on my way home. I’ve been doing my normal Saturday trips, so the pantry was pretty empty.

Of course, so were the store shelves.

It was busy, but not chaotic. A young mom stopped me in the parking lot as I was returning my cart.

“Excuse me. How is it in there?” she asked, looking concerned. “Am I safe bringing in my kids?”

My heart broke. How sad that she worried for her kids’ safety in her own neighborhood.

But I get it.

It’s a surreal day.

My heart broke once again when I glanced at my blog stats and saw, that even while the world goes into a virus-enforced hibernation, people were still turning to Google with their pleas about unwanted divorce, narcissistic exes and experiencing loneliness after divorce.

But of course they are.

Because that’s the most surreal thing about crises – whether they be personal or global – life doesn’t wait.

I’m not sure how much I’ll be posting over the next couple weeks. I should have more time, but I’m not sure I’ll have the right headspace.

Meanwhile, please know I’m thinking of those of you navigating a divorce and this at the same time. I’m with those of you who are alone and missing your former partner now more than ever. My heart goes out to those of you forced to be in the same space with a partner that has been recently discovered to be unfaithful or is being cruel or distant.

It’s hard when crises overlap. You often don’t have bandwidth for both and right now, you may find that others are too overwhelmed with their own stuff to make space for you.

But you’re not alone.

There are wonderful and supportive and welcoming online communities that build each other up every day. Now more than ever is a great time to find your online tribe.

 

I hope that your family stays safe, your children don’t drive you too crazy and your toilet-paper holders remain full.

 

 

It’s a surreal day.

But it’s only a day.

Tomorrow is a new one.

 

Forget the Casserole! What People in Crisis REALLY Need

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When bad things happen to good people, the calvary arrives soon after with food and flowers. Level surfaces soon fill with cards expressing condolences and well wishes. Money is collected to help with both normal and unexpected expenses. Friends and family all want to help and being unable to change the circumstances, they respond with whatever loving gestures they can.

At first, the attention is overwhelming. The outpouring of affection comforting. But eventually, the letters stop arriving. The casseroles are consumed and their dishes returned. The dried flowers have been relegated to the bin. The calls to check in are fewer and further between and when they do occur, their is an undertone of impatience that the crisis wasn’t over once the initial offerings faded.

And yet the need is still there.

The loved ones still care, but they’re busy with their own lives. Consumed with their own problems. And perhaps most of all, they find it difficult and uncomfortable to sit for any extent of time with the harsh realities that life can bring. It’s easier to simply pretend it isn’t there.

Our culture is uncomfortable with grief. With pain. With anger that rises unprovoked. We’re expected to be gracious at the onslaught and then to suffer in silence so as to avoid the discomfort of those around us.

Speaking Out: Why Hiding Your Struggles Only Makes Them Worse

The initial outpouring of support is needed. It’s the transport when you cannot manage any movements unassisted. But it’s rarely enough.

Both because grieving does not speak calendar and because it’s a journey that often requires assistance.

Which is why I propose another way to support those going through crisis – a contribution to a well-being and mental health fund.

These monies would be earmarked towards services and modalities that help support mental health and healing – therapy, medications, retreats, specialized trauma care, mind-body practices  – whatever is deemed applicable and helpful by the recipient.

The benefits are multifold. First, it helps to normalize the idea that attention towards mental health is important and should carry no more stigma than care towards the physical body. It allows the professionals to pick up where the first responders left off, helping the person move through their grief and pain. Contributions to a fund signify that grief is a process, not an event. It allows that it will be ongoing for some time. And most practically, most insurance plans only address mental health needs at a minimum and the fund can help to make up the difference. A mental health fund is a gift that truly can keep on giving because it will help people regain their lives after crisis.

I’d love to see an app or website designed and marketed around this idea. More of a Please Comfort Me instead of a Please Fund Me. Any programming-minded takers?

 

When the Going Gets Tough

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We are defined by how we act when the going gets tough.

Character doesn’t shine until it is challenged.

And often flaws are concealed until struggle wears away the veneer of perfection.

It’s no surprise that crisis often dissolves a marriage.

That when the going gets tough, many couples instead respond as though the crisis is an ax, cleaving the marriage in two, rather than working together to meet the challenge.

So why is it that when the going gets tough, so many spouses get going?

Different Approaches

When crisis hits, people fall into two groups: those that turn towards the problem and face it head-on and those that turn inward or turn away and try not to look too closely at the carnage. And neither group really understands the other. The turn-aways look at the turn-towards and believe they are giving the struggle too much attention. That if they just focused elsewhere, the problem would diminish in capacity. The facers get frustrated with their more reserved partners, believing that they are ignoring the problem while passively hoping it will disappear.

And when a partnership is comprised of two like-minded spouses, the problem can be even worse. If both people charge towards the problem, there is no energy left for the marriage. The crisis becomes the marriage. When both people turn away, the problem may grow, malignant and untreated.

The reality is that a balance is needed. There are times to charge towards the challenge, sword in hand and ready to do battle. And there are also times when paying too much attention to the problem nurtures your struggle instead of cutting off its oxygen supply. Whether you prefer to face a challenge or look away, make sure you continue to turn towards your partner.

The Strong One

It’s common that when trouble hits, one partner wears the struggle on his or her face while the other reveals little pain to the outside world. The tearful partner can feel alone in his or her grief, interpreting the stoicism of the spouse as an indication of a callous heart. Yet so often, the phlegmatic one is determined to muffle his or her own pain and be the strong one for the other. It’s a cruel twist on the pursuer-distancer dance: the more the crying one sheds tears of isolation and frustration, the more the strong one stuffs the pain down deep. When all the other person wants is to see that their partner is hurting too.

Ideally, both partners feel comfortable exposing their vulnerabilities and fears within the marriage. And take turns being the strong one, supporting the other. We are at out strongest when we lean and support in equal measure.

Coping Tools

We are not all created equal when it comes to ability to face a crisis. Whether from a biological roulette that leaves someone less able to handle stress, or from inadequate resiliency training in childhood, some people have it tougher than others. It’s easy for the spouse with greater coping strategies to shame or blame the other, interpreting a lack of tools as a sign of weakness. And is easy for the struggling spouse to excuse her or her struggles as a byproduct of chance or childhood rather than accepting the limitations and then taking responsibility for learning how to do better.

Some people have it easier than others when the going gets tough. But we all can learn to do better.

When the going gets tough,the tough get growing.

In Case of Emergency, Open File

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As a teacher, I am well-versed and well-practiced in emergency management plans. We meet as a faculty at the beginning of every school year and we learn the latest procedures and dialog through possible scenarios. We exit the meeting armed with detailed plans and signs, to be at the ready in case of an emergency. We then drill each plan throughout the year to iron out any problems and ensure that there is some about of automaticity to the procedure in case it actually has to be implemented during a true crisis.

I’m sure many of you have a similar situation at your work – you know what to do and where to go in case of fire, tornado, earthquake or, unfortunately, crazed gunman. You hope to never need those plans (and try to skirt around the thought of any of those events actually occurring), yet their mere presence offers some measure of comfort.

Because when we are in a true emergency, it is difficult to think. To process. When some level of decision has already been made in calmer times, it helps to ensure a basic level of operation in the heat of the moment and frees the mind to tackle the situation at hand.

 

You have emergency plans in case of fire.

Or break-in.

Or zombie apocalypse.

Or maybe even a traffic jam that leaves you unable to get to daycare before closing.

 

But do you have any emergency plans in case of a personal crisis?

A divorce.

A death.

A medical emergency.

A job loss.

Or just a I-can’t-take-it-anymore breakdown of undetermined origin.

 

Maybe you should.

 

We don’t like to think about those events happening. We don’t want to consider tragedy affecting our families. But, as we know, just because you want to think about it happening, doesn’t mean it won’t. And the reality is that al of us will face one or more of the above in our lifetimes.

 

So be prepared.

 

Create your own personal crisis plan while you are not in crisis.

 

Who will you call?

Where will you go?

What do you need to have at the ready?

If it is a protracted situation, what needs to happen to simply carry out daily life while the emergency unfolds?

 

Be specific. Your plan needs to leave no room for doubt in the moment.

Create structure. In crisis, we often need every step spelled out.

Address possibilities. The more thinking you do ahead, the more apt you will be to respond well in the moment.

 

Write it down. Sketch it out. Create a spreadsheet or a diagram.

And then tuck it away in a file, either electronic or tangible.

 

And in case of emergency, open file.

Opportunities

Posted on by stilllearning2b

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The best lessons can be found when we are facing unanticipated change and loss. It is a moment between moments where we are lost and searching, broken and vulnerable, wanting and open. In those moments between moments we learn who we really are and what we are capable of.

When you find yourself in that moment created in the space after a sudden change, try to see the opportunities wrapped within the loss. Growth is so much easier when we are unencumbered by our usual habits and assumptions. Rather than immediately seeking protection from the pain, be with it and be vulnerable. It is in those moments between where our potential resides.