Biting My Tongue Until It Bleeds

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“If you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.”

We’ve all heard that wisdom. Advice handed down by a parent or teacher, perhaps in response to unkind words we uttered or as a reminder that we don’t have to share every thought that crosses our minds.

And much of the time, that advise is indeed wise. It’s usually better to scroll past an inflammatory post on social media than to attempt to engage. There is no reason to share your annoyances about your coworker with them (as an aside, I am so happy that the singular “they” is now accepted!!!! no more him/her nonsense!!!). And even in a relationship, biting one’s tongue is a critical skill to develop.

Yet, as is so often the case in life, this advice is written in black and white, while we live in a world of gray.

Sometimes there are things that need to be said. Things that may not be nice.

Another truism guides us here –

“Before you speak, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?”

And that’s where I often mess up.

Not by saying things.

But by holding them back. Letting them build. Until they erupt, small bits of truth simmered until burnt in emotions and assumptions.

Which isn’t fair to the person on the receiving end (unfortunately, usually Brock) and it leads to a room full of ugly emotions.

It’s an error in identifying what words are necessary. An error that leads to a muddling of truth and an unintentional dash of unkindness as the initial feelings are allowed to go to rot.

Recently, I’ve made an effort to identify the reasons why I have a tendency to bite my tongue until it bleeds:

Introversion

As an introvert, I tend to process silently (or in writing), only speaking once I’ve had time to think about something. It means I’m not prone to impulsive comments or saying something that is only half-thought out, but it does mean that I can give the impression that I’m complacent when I’m really trying to think about what to say.

Analytical Nature

I naturally tend to analyze (every)things. That combined with an independent streak means that I try to solve the puzzle of my emotions on my own. My brain naturally gathers and examines data points, only sharing the conclusions once they are reached. Unfortunately, the conclusions are often not valid.

I Want to Be Liked

I don’t want to be a bother. A nag. I want to ride the waves rather than make them. As a result, I will often swallow my distress instead of voicing it. Choosing to make myself ill in an attempt to preserve others. Yeah, there’s a little ugly martyrdom there.

Self Doubt

This is a side effect of the divorce. I struggle to differentiate between feelings that are originating from something that is bothering me in my present and those that are simply echoes from the past. And as healing becomes more complete and triggers fewer are further between, I find that I try to dismiss things too quickly. Only to have them bubble up later.

Flood-Prone

Even though my triggers are better, the fear of abandonment can still cause me to flood with emotion, shutting down all hope of rational thought for a time. And when I’m flooded, I tend to retreat. Shut down.

—–

I used to avoid expressing my feelings out of a fear of confrontation. A worry that displeasure would immediately translate to rejection.

I’ve come a long way on that fear, no longer nervous about speaking up.

And I thought that was enough. That courage to speak meant that I would speak when needed.

And I’m having to accept that there is more to it than that. And that even though I’m no longer afraid, I’m still not where I want to be.

I need to learn to get better at identifying what emotions are merely the death throws of a dying trigger (and are best ignored) and which ones are the cries of an injured heart (and need expressing).

I need to get better at not allowing my analytical brain to create spreadsheets of data without at least alerting the other that there is processing going on.

I need to get better at speaking up instead of building up.

At sharing my truth before biting my tongue for so long that we both end up bloody and raw.

I’m good with restraint.

Time to become better with release.

 

Ten Easy Communication Hacks For Your Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Scan any list about the most important elements of a happy marriage and effective communication will be somewhere between “shared values” and “physical intimacy.” Its ubiquitous inclusion is not because relationship writers are lazy. It’s because communication truly is key in any relationship. Especially one where you face each other every day prior to morning coffee, tackle everything from kitchen remodels to retirement plans and expose your greatest vulnerabilities and dreams.

The reason that communication can become a point of contention in a relationship is that while talking is easy,

Listening is hard.

And taking responsibility for our own emotions and responses is harder still.

But that doesn’t mean that everything to do with improving your communication has to be hard. Here are ten easy hacks to start improving the communication in your marriage beginning today:

Use Figurative Language

Feeling misunderstood is extremely frustrating. And it’s easy to get caught up in blaming your partner for refusing to listen. But maybe they’re listening and simply not relating. Not because they don’t want to. But because they don’t have anything to latch on to.

So instead of getting irritated, try getting creative. Reach back in your mental archives and pull up those metaphors and similes from your school days. Instead of explaining what it is, try painting a picture of what it’s like. You’re not trying to replicate every detail or match every trait. You’re just working to establish an anchor point for understanding. You can fill in the gaps later.

Follow the Percent Rule

I am a huge fan of the 80/20 rule – do the “right” thing 80% of the time and cut yourself some slack the other 20% of the time. Although this is most often applied to nutrition, it works with communication as well.

Share 80% of the positive thoughts you have about your partner or your relationship. (Yes, it would be nice to aim for 100%, but life, you know? So strive for 80%.) This means every time you admire your partner’s butt as he or she walks away, each time you notice that the garbage has been taken out and whenever you see him or her tackle something with ease, you speak up. Or write a note. Or send a text.

And the 20%? Share only 20% of your negative thoughts. This means you may have to choose them wisely. Don’t waste those words on a gripe about the scattered socks unless that’s really something that you to express and you want addressed. These words should be reserved for problems that can be solved together, not complaints for the sake of grumbling.

Pay Attention to Physical Comfort

One of the worst grades I ever made on a college exam was on a chemistry test that was administered in a frigid room while I sat on a cold, unforgiving metal stool. My body was in such discomfort that my mind wasn’t operating anywhere near its best.

Conversations operate the same way. There’s a hierarchy of needs and a full stomach, a rested body and an acceptable environment come before listening and responding effectively.

So by all means, go to bed angry if you need to. Staying up and staying engaged in the discussion will only backfire.

Ask More Questions

Do you find yourself responding defensively or getting angry after a statement by your partner? The instinct is to respond with a sledgehammer, shutting down that line of discussion completely and utterly.

Instead of smashing the claim (and you partner) into smithereens, try increasing the amount of questions that you’re asking. This strategy has a two-pronged benefit – it helps give you added information to aid in your understanding and it validates to your partner that you’re listening to them.

Use a Candle

Do you or your spouse have trouble initiating difficult or complex conversations? Try this simple idea.

Tell Stories of Your Shared Past

One of the ways that researchers are able to predict divorce in a couple is the relationship origination story that they tell. Happy couple tell happy stories, making light of or brushing over any rough patches on the way to the alter. Do they tell happy stories because they are happy or does the mere retelling of a happy story cultivate additional happiness?

I would wager it goes both ways.

Make a habit of telling favorable tales about your shared relationship history. You’re making deposits in the marital bank and reinforcing your bond.

Write It Out Before Talking It Out

Have you ever uttered, “You make me feel…?” No shame. I’m guilty too. We say that because it’s easy, skimming the surface – you did this, I felt this – instead of digging deeper – you did this, it reminded me of that, and I felt this.

One of the biggest things you owe your spouse is to take responsibility for your own stuff. And that starts by being aware of your stuff. The connections between your present and the luggage you brought with you from your past.

So talk to your journal before you talk to your partner.

Because writing your thoughts is a great way for you to see those connections between what was done and how you feel. Because nobody else can make you feel a certain way.

Engage In a Shared Task

The body tells our minds how to feel. If you clench your fists, you will respond more aggressively in conversation. If you roll your shoulders back, you not only appear more confident, you speak more confidently.

So when you want to communicate to establish a connection, begin with a physical association through a shared activity. This doesn’t need to be complicated – washing the dishes, taking a walk, shopping for groceries all count as joint tasks.

Just another reminder that you’re in this thing together.

Use Texting Wisely

In a marriage, texting should only have two uses: 1) Planning or 2) Play.

Logistics comprise a significant portion of any relationship. And texting is a great way to work out the details of shared lives in real time.

But a marriage that only shares plans isn’t much of a marriage.

And phones are great for sharing more than just reminders and schedules.

Flirt. Seduce. Banter. Joke. Play.

And ban anything negative or complicated from your texting vocabulary. Some things are better addressed in person.

And the number one hack you can utilize to improve your communication?

Release Expectations

So often the reason that a conversation heads south is that we react to what we expect to hear instead of what is said. We construct a response before we even hear our partner out.

In other words, the battle is really within ourselves.

The single most important change you can make in your communication is to approach with curiosity instead of conclusions.

Listen.

And you just might learn something new about your partner.

Or even yourself.

How to Supercharge Your “I” Statements

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As the child of a marriage and family therapist, I think my first complete sentences came in the form of “I” statements, a conversation tactic often recommended by counselors to express your needs without attacking or blaming the other person. For example, “I feel frustrated when you leave your socks on the floor. I would feel calmer if you could place your socks in the hamper.”

“I” statements are certainly useful in situations from the bedroom to the boardroom (and I often use it in the classroom). They are infinitely better than the “You never…” and “You always…” which usually prompts the recipient to either arm him or herself or attempt to shield from the verbal barrage. They require that you first analyze the cause (action/behavior) and effect (your emotional response) before engaging someone in conversation. And they hint at the assertion that both people can work together to find a solution.

Yet even though “I” statements are useful, they have their limitations. They often require some interesting verbal gymnastics to form, they can act as a mere cover for blame and attack and, as I often witness, they can simply turn into an ineffectual argument frequently peppered with the word “I.”

“I” statements are good. And you can make them better. Here’s you to supercharge your “I” statements in three easy steps:

1) Express Your Gratitude: This needs to be sincere appreciation (as BS is worse than silence) and must relate to the situation at hand. On your side, this helps to calm the flames of aggravation and helps remind you of the bigger picture or underlying motivation behind the offensive behavior. For the other person, this will help him or her feel seen and appreciated, which goes a long way to lowering defensiveness and encouraging a willingness to change.

2) Express Your “I” Statement: Keep it simple: “I feel…when…” Clarify if needed. Stay calm; if you escalate your emotions, the other person’s will ramp up as well, lowering the chances of a successful conversation. Be careful not to start with a “But,” as it negates your gratitude statement.

3) Present a Challenge for the Team: Phrase this as a challenge that can be problem-solved together. It’s not one against one, it’s two against the problem at hand. Acknowledge any side issues or limitations that you are aware of, as this lets your partner know you are listening and invested in the process. Don’t go in with a “solution” that you try to sell; this is a problem to be solved together with input from both people. This also helps to limit defensiveness because it is not about what someone is doing wrong, it’s about finding a resolution together.

 

Here’s what this might look like in action:

1) “I really appreciate how hard you work for the family and the security it provides us.”

2) “I miss you when you’re not here; I really enjoy our time together as a family.”

3) “Do you think we could work together to figure out a way that we could have more family time that wouldn’t impact your work or need for time alone?”

 

As with any change, it will feel awkward and formulaic at first. But with practice, it becomes easier and more natural. If you need more ideas about how to approach difficult conversations, this post has several ideas for you.

The Problem With Arousal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We tend to see arousal in a relationship as a positive attribute.

We correlate it with the abdominal butterflies of the early dates and the heady rush of the first kiss. We enjoy the tunnel vision of young love and the electric nerve endings primed with anticipation. Untold books are written about difficulties with a lack of arousal and how a deficit in excitement can lead to a marital dead bedroom when a partner fails to elicit a response in the other.

That’s a limited view of a complex biological mechanism.

Arousal is a physiological state where the autonomous nervous and endocrine systems are turned on and ready to go. The increased heart rate, blood pressure and alertness makes us ready to fight, flee or, in the case of a potential mate, maybe another “f” word. It’s an evolutionary response that downshifts our brains into basic survival mode, the instinct to protect self and offspring prevailing over all other thoughts.  The vision field literally narrows to limit distractions and focus attention on the task at hand. The body is primed to attack or run as blood flows into the limbs. In a true survival situation, a heightened state of arousal is key.

Most situations are not truly about survival. 

Several years ago, my now-husband and I were walking Tiger on a trail along the river. A car suddenly veered from the road onto the path, dramatically splintering a fence, before coming to a stop mere feet in front of us. I immediately felt my heart accelerate and my body begin to shake. I remember feeling a need to act, to move, yet feeling unsure what to do. I looked over at Brock and was surprised to see him calm and unmoving, visually assessing the situation and making an action plan. Unflustered, he handed me the leash and instructed me to move Tiger out of the way into an adjacent field.

Brock’s years of medic training had taught him how to mitigate his body’s arousal system. Whereas my brain was sent into the panic of high alert, he was able to maintain a lower level of arousal that still allowed him to think rationally, process stimuli and act logically.

Too much arousal is as detrimental to a relationship as too little.

Not every situation is as dramatic as a car crashing through a fence. In fact, sometimes it can be as subtle as a particular phrase or echo of a memory that awakens our survival-brain. Primed for fears of abandonment, whenever Brock used to express displeasure or disappointment with me, my body would respond with an all-out flood of neurotransmitters. Through that heightened lens, every word, every movement was a threat to my survival.

In that state, I could not respond rationally. I could not see the bigger picture. I could not problem solve or make connections. And I could not risk showing any vulnerabilities, as my brain was convinced that everything was a threat. Communication is impossible when one or both partners are flooded with emotion. And if one or both people continually respond in a heightened state? Every discussion becomes a battlefield.

Affection is a dangerous antidote to hyper-arousal.

Cesar Milan often works with dogs that are in the “red zone,” the canine equivalent of fight or flight. He cautions the owners from providing affection when their dog is in that heightened state because it is rewarding the animal for being in the red zone. Instead, he waits until the dogs are relaxed and only then does he try to train or reward them.

Humans are no different. As an introvert (shown to be more sensitive to stimuli) geared towards anxious, I am naturally prone to an excess of arousal. Throughout my first marriage, my then-husband used to respond to my alertness by soothing me, using affection and attention to lower my excitement levels. It worked in the moments, but it also did nothing to discourage those moments from reoccurring.

Your arousal levels are not fixed; you can train your body to respond differently.

Nowhere is the brain’s ability to regulate arousal more apparent than in sniper training. These men and women learn how to lower their heart and respiratory rates to extremely low levels, make complex calculations and perform detailed fine motor movements all while in potentially dangerous situations.

We can outsmart our reptilian brains through mindfulness and practice. We can use the power of our rational minds when we are not in the red zone to change how we respond when faced with a perceived threat. It takes persistence, practice and patience. But you can retrain your brain.

Learning to control your arousal state is critical to relationship success.

The Gottman Institute has studied arousal states in couples and has determined that a lower level of arousal during conflict is positively correlated with marital longevity and happiness.  It makes sense. Learning to take responsibility for your own actions and overreactions is a key in mature and balanced partnerships. When you hold your own fuse, you are able to limit the potential of a conversational conflagration.

In the bedroom, by all means turn it up. But in the rest of your marriage, you may be better served by turning it down.

 

 

Feedback in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had to deliver some staff development today on the concept of feedback in the classroom (please try to restrain your disappointment at not being invited:) ). As I was moving through the material, my monkey mind was making connections to how we give and receive feedback with students and how it relates to feedback in relationships. So even though you missed my presentation this morning, I’ll still share my thoughts with you and feedback and its role in our relationships. Only now the professional dress has been replaced with yoga pants:)

Feedback is Meant to Improve, Not Shame

There’s a TED talks video by Rita Pierson we always watch at meetings where she talks about putting +2 on a child’s paper rather than -18. That’s because the purpose of feedback is to improve, not to punish or shame. Feedback should never be delivered in anger or in frustration. It’s deliberate. Conscious. Careful.

In a relationship, any criticisms or advice delivered in a heated moment will not be received. If feedback is shared in public in a shaming way, no positive change will occur.If your purpose is to make your partner feel badly, you’re bitching, not providing feedback.

Your first responsibility in a partnership is to change yourself – your perceptions, your actions, your responses. Yet there will be times where you need to work to shape your partner’s actions for the betterment of the pair and feedback is a critical component of this. Before you speak, make sure your intentions are to improve, not to shame or blame.

Climate Comes First

The first goal of any effective teacher is establishing a classroom culture where students feel safe and secure and feel comfortable taking risks and making mistakes. If this climate is not present, any negative feedback tends to lead to defensiveness and shutting down. But once this climate is built, students know that you care about them and they are much more receptive to feedback, even if it is negative.

Relationships are no different. We need to feel safe in our partnerships. We need to trust that it’s okay to not be perfect and that a single mistake won’t mean that we’re kicked out. It’s important to establish a relationship climate where both partners feel comfortable voicing their concerns and receiving feedback from the other.

In the classroom and in relationships, building a positive and safe climate takes time. Trust doesn’t occur overnight; it comes from a pattern of action and response. Energy put into developing this environment goes a long way. Brock and I put quite a bit of effort into this early on (using candles as a signal) and that preliminary work has since paid dividends (and the candles have been in retirement for the last year and a half or so).

Goals Must be Clear and Shared

In the classroom, it’s not fair to give students feedback on their progress when they do not know or understand the goal they are trying to reach. Teachers use a variety of methods to communicate learning expectations to the students so that not only do they have an idea of where they are relative to where they need to be, but they have a clear picture of the ideal destination.

We know how important communication is in relationships and how easily misunderstandings can spiral out of control. Just as it’s not fair to berate a student for failing to achieve some mysterious goal, it is unfair to a partner to expect him/her to read your mind and then react with negative feedback when he/she doesn’t make strides to the goal you had in mind.

The learning goals for my classroom are constantly changing (thanks Common Core and meddling politicians!) and goals in relationships are often as malleable as curriculum. It’s important to continually touch base and ensure that the relationship-related goals are clear and shared.

Feedback Should be Formative, Not Only Summative

Teachers divide learning activities into two categories: formative and summative. The former describes the activities that occur during the learning process, such as practice and quizzes. The latter applies to the culminating event, such as an exam or project, where a student is expected to demonstrate mastery of a concept. Effective feedback occurs during the learning process so that the student can shape his or her actions towards the stated goal. It’s not fair or effective for the first feedback to be received when it really counts.

So, as that relates to relationships, don’t do what my ex did. The first time I knew there was a problem in the marriage was when he left with a text message. If there had been formative feedback along the way, there may have been an opportunity to change. There’s often a balance in relationships – sometimes you need to bite your tongue and avoiding bringing something that is minor or fleeting. And you also need to address any issues before they build to a level that destroys the partnership.

If the point of feedback is to improve, make sure that it’s given along with a chance to make the improvements. Otherwise it’s not feedback, it’s just a bunch of red x’s and a big, fat “F.”

Address the Actions, Not the Person

The fastest way to alienate a kid is to attack their person, to imply or state that they are “stupid” or “no good.” They will quickly live up (or actually, down) to the claim. Teachers have to be careful to address issues the kids can control – study habits, practice, etc. rather than things they cannot – learning disabilities, sub par schooling, etc.

We all have innate tendencies and backgrounds that we cannot control. When those are attacked, we shut down as we internalize the message. When you are giving feedback to a partner, be careful not to condemn areas they cannot change or that are an inherent part of who they are. Focus on the actions and behaviors that are transient and reworkable.

Feedback Should be Specific and Actionable

Students don’t grow when they receive a failing grade on an assignment with the implied message “you suck at this.” It’s overwhelming and they give up. Instead, they improve when they are given specific and actionable feedback that addresses one or two areas at a time with recognition given for progress along the way.

Baby steps work for relationships too. Don’t flood your partner with a laundry list of feedback. Start small, focus on one behavior. Acknowledge improvement, no matter how small. Be clear and specific. When the intent is clearly stated, it’s more likely to happen.

 

Just like with teaching, feedback does not only flow one direction. Be open and receptive to your partner’s feedback. Assume that their intent is to make you better.

And remember, we are all still learning. Always.