It Happened to Me

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Molly Ringwald
Molly Ringwald (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Most people probably think of The Breakfast Club or Sixteen Candles when Molly Ringwald’s name is mentioned. I am not most people.  My strongest association with Molly’s name is a certain this-is-what-happens-to-your-body-during-puberty movie I saw in my elementary school cafeteria in 1985 with all of the other 4th grade girls. I remember being somewhat embarrassed for Ms. Molly as she informed us about body hair and menarche. It seemed so far removed from the somewhat sanitized world of Hollywood, where puberty only happens to advance the plot as an ugly duckling discovers her hidden swan.

Molly’s new book, When It Happens to You, attempts to be as raw and messy as real life off the silver screen. The story is told through short tales that weave together moments to paint a bigger picture of love, loss, and betrayal. Greta and Phillip’s troubled marriage is the centerpiece. Greta discovers that her daughter’s violin teacher has also been playing Phillip’s strings. The various tales speak of their separation and tenuous relationships with others as they journey through self discovery. Many of these relationships speak of real life. They are temporary and undefinable. They grasp at one another not out of true love but out of loneliness and a search for acceptance and companionship. They highlight the fact that no life occupies a bubble; decisions and connections ripple outward ensnaring others as well as ourselves.

There are lessons of acceptance in Marina’s story of loving her crossdressing son and warnings of what happens when we fight reality from the widow Betty. We learn from Phillip that happiness is not as simple as a young lover and we realize that betraying yourself is worse than being betrayed by another.

I only wish this book was not afraid to reveal the depth of anger and loss that accompanies the discovery of a betrayal. You see, it happened to me. I know the feeling of the tremors that shake your body and soul when you discover the deceptions. I remember the rage so powerful I was afraid it would tear me asunder. I recall the muscles torn from bone as the sobs wracked my frame.  Greta speaks of this pain in a removed fashion. She speaks of it, yet does not seem to experience it.

I guess betrayal is like puberty in that we tend to sanitize it when we talk about it. We talk in platitudes and metaphors, tiptoeing around its ugly realities as though we can deny its existence and hold it at bay. We like to think that we could be like Greta, rational and collected. But, in reality, when it happens to you, the truth is much uglier than fiction can ever be.

Read about when it happened to me in Lessons From the End of a Marriage.

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Preventative Medicine

Posted on by stilllearning2b

 

There is one question that I am frequently asked that I find difficult to answer.

 

“What advice can you give to others to keep this from happening to them?”

 

I wish I could dispense some nugget of wisdom that would alert to an impending tsunami divorce. I would love to be able to provide a talisman against deception and betrayal. It would be wonderful to give people the security in knowing that if they only said or did certain things that this could not happen to them. I wish I could. But I cannot.

 

There are no guarantees. The cancer of a compulsive liar can metastasize in even the most visibly healthy relationships. There are no guarantees but there are some signs that something wicked may be coming.

 

In my case, I had been with my husband since we were 16. I knew his family. I knew his childhood friends. I was with him as he grew into an adult. I saw him through struggles and triumphs. I thought I knew him as well as it is possible to know another. I was wrong. Just because you knew someone does not mean that you know them.  It is natural to be more alert at the beginning stages of a relationship and then to slowly settle as you develop a comprehensive picture of who your partner is. It is not healthy or beneficial to remain on that higher state of alert for the long haul but that does not mean that one’s eyes should completely close either. We all change. It is important that your mental construct of your partner be flexible to change as well.

 

It was different for Amanda, my husband’s other wife. They married within three months of meeting. She had never been to Atlanta, where he lived, nor met any of his friends and family (their wedding had a couple hundred people – all on her side). That would have been a little too awkward since they all knew me as his long-time wife. He told her stories of great sums of money he was to earn from the sale of a company that he owned (actually, it was his friend’s company, not his) while he maxed out her credit cards. He was ready to leave his established life and move to Uganda with her without hesitation.Perhaps it’s just my insider perspective here, but I see huge warning signs that she could have spotted.

Health
Health (Photo credit: Tax Credits)

I think my answer to prevention can be best thought of by comparing it to physical health.

 

I would like to never face the ravages of cancer. I read research on the disease to educate myself about its known causes. I work to mitigate those causative factors within my life: I eat well, I exercise, I don’t smoke, etc. However, I do not let the fear of a potential disease prevent me from a day in the sun or enjoying a glass of wine. There is balance between knowledge and preventative medicine and continuing to live. I try to find that sweet spot. Regardless of how healthy I try to be, there is no promise that I will never face malignancy. All I can do is try to lower the risk factors and make sure that I am as healthy as possible in case I do have to fight that battle. And, in the meantime, I’m not wearing armor for a war that may never begin.

 

Pardon Me, Ego. I Need to Get Through.

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The Thinking Man sculpture at Musée Rodin in Paris

Ego:

the “I” or self of any person; a person as thinking, feeling, and willing, and distinguishing itself from the selves of others and from objects of its thought. (from dictionary.com)
Ever since we first begin to see ourselves as separate, sentient beings in childhood, our egos define how we interpret the world around us.  That sense of self may actually be holding you back from healing from your divorce.  Do you see yourself in any of the following patterns?
It’s All About Me
When I first realized the extent of my husband’s betrayals, I kept asking, “How could he do this to me? To the one he was supposed to love?”  I saw his actions directed towards me as an arrow towards a target.  I assumed he was thinking about me as he made these decisions.  He lied to me.  He cheated on me.  He stole from me. That pattern kept me fully anchored in a victim state, the recipient of all the pain and deceptions.
Slowly, I realized that it wasn’t all about me.  He lied and cheated and stole, yes.  But he did those things because of whatever demons had him in their grasp.  He didn’t do those things because of me.  He most likely wasn’t even thinking of me while they occurred.  He did them and I was in the way.
I shifted my thinking. When he hurt me, he was acting to protect his own sense of self rather than trying to wound mine.  I began to let the anger go.
It is not easy to remove the ego from interpreting the actions of one so intimate to you. Try looking at the situation with an open mind, letting go of your own ego, and see how your perspective shifts.
The Reflective Ego Shield
Our egos are vulnerable beings; they often cover themselves in highly reflective shields, deflecting any criticism and shining it back at its source.  I used to get very defensive when anyone suggested that I had a hand in my husband’s actions.  I would retaliate, lashing out at them as I tightened the stays on the armor protecting my ego.  It was a very scary proposition to let some of that armor go and to examine what was shielded underneath.  I learned the role that my own insecurities and anxieties played in the end of my marriage.  Instead of reflecting all of the responsibility on him, I took my share.
There is a difference between taking responsibility for your own actions and taking the blame for another’s actions.  If you are carrying your own reflective shield, try lowering it and examining what lies beneath.
The Hidden Wounds
The ego doesn’t like to show its vulnerabilities.  When asked, “How are you doing?,” the ego always answers, “Fine.”
I remember how many times I falsely spoke that word in those early months.  Much of that time, I wasn’t “fine,” I was angry, sad, bitter, anxious, sick, and disconnected.  But I also didn’t want to reveal those wounds.  To let the world see the depth of my pain. I kept it covered with a band-aid of “fine.”
Your wounds cannot heal unless they are exposed to the air.  The bandage can remain on to protect your injuries from the world at large, but you remove them when are in a safe place to let the healing begin.
Ego as Strongman
Our egos are a bit like young meatheads in a gym.  Flexing in the mirror, wanting to appear strong and capable amongst the others.  This means that sometimes we will try to lift more than we can without asking for assistance.  And, just like in the weight room, this can only lead to disaster.
Prior to my husband’s David Copperfield act, I was horrible at asking for and receiving assistance.  In fact, that was actually one of the points of contentions in my marriage; I always made it clear that I could do it alone.  I guess he wanted to prove me right.  Regardless, I made things so much more difficult than they ever needed to be by denying offered help and refusing to ask for help when it was needed.
Are you acting like the young man in the gym?  Ask for a spotter and you’ll not only gain the respect of those around you, but you will also be able to lift more than you ever thought possible.
Our egos tend to operate below our conscious thought.  After all, they are us.  And they are often the biggest barriers in our way.
Pardon me, ego.  I need to get through.