Going “No Contact” – Why is it So Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You’ve decided that you should go “no contact” with your ex, but you’re finding that it’s much harder than you anticipated to cut off all contact. Why is it so difficult to go “no contact” after a divorce or breakup?

 

This Person Was an Integral Part of Your Daily Life

Just weeks ago, this person was listed as your emergency contact. When you had a rough day, this was the person you turned to for comfort and understanding. They were the first call you made when you received important news and the first person you thought of when contemplating making a major change.

And now, you’re trying to pretend that they no longer exist.

It’s no wonder that it’s hard to cut off all contact. It’s as foreign and uncomfortable as losing an arm. Only in this case, it’s your heart that feels like it’s been removed. It feels so wrong to know that they’re out there and yet acting as though they are dead to you.

You Fear Being Forgotten

Even worse than seeing them as dead to you, is wondering if they no longer think of you at all. You reach out, not so much because you want to speak to them, but because you want to know that they are missing you.

After being a team for so long, it’s disconcerting to contemplate your former partner moving on without you. You want to be remembered. You’re desperate to know that you were important to them. And you’re afraid that if you fade into the background, that your legacy will as well.

 

Contact Has Become a Habit

It’s no wonder that we refer to love as a drug and we describe the early stages as a rush – love is addictive. And that’s even more true on the downslope of love. When we receive the alert of an incoming message from them, it sends a little rewarding shot of dopamine to our brain. And this is especially true when the contact is intermittent or unexpected.

Even a heart-wrenching glimpse of them with a new partner on social media provides a little chemical reward. And so even when there are negative consequences, we keep going back. Often without even putting much thought into it. Contact has become less of an intention and more of a habit.

 

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Or, at least it makes the brain more forgetful. When we’re away from someone, the memories become fuzzy. The reasons that the relationship ended no longer see so important or so terrible and the positive recollections rise to the surface.

Doubt may begin to creep in – “Was this really the right decision?” “Did I make a mistake?” So you reach out in order to test the choice of ending the relationship.

 

We Believe Our Personal Narrative

Maybe you told yourself that this person was “the one.” Or, you’ve created a story to excuse their years of bad behavior. Regardless, it’s easy to become so immersed in our own story that we neglect to account for the facts that are in front of us.

When there is dissonance between our beliefs and our actions, we can experience intense discomfort.

 

There May Be Residual Guilt or Regret

If you ended the relationship, you may be feeling guilty for creating pain for your former partner. Perhaps you’re reaching out in an attempt to soften their discomfort and to alleviate your guilt.

Additionally, if you’re experiencing feeling of regret for things you said in the relationship or for the way you behaved, you may be initiating contact to try to explain yourself or to get another chance at making it work.

 

The Drive to Fill the Void is Powerful

The emptiness left at the end of a relationship is as gaping, tender and strange as the hole left from a pulled tooth. And the desire to immediately fill that void is strong. It’s natural to reach out to someone where there is already that shared intimacy and that history.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

 

 

Going “No Contact” – Strategies to Make it Work

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So you’ve decided that going no contact is the right decision for you. And now you’re wondering how in the world you’re going to make it work. Here are some suggestions –

 

Make Contact More Difficult

Delete their number from your phone and remove their email from your contacts. If you tend to reach out at a certain time of day, make an effort to be occupied or unavailable during that time. If evening are your downfall, shut down your phone and leave it out of reach. Do whatever you can to make contacting them a conscious and deliberate move, rather than one made out of reflex or habit.

 

Appoint an Accountability Buddy

Tell a trusted friend or family member about your intentions and ask them to help hold you accountable. If they are okay with it, ask if you can contact them whenever you’re tempted to reach out to your ex. Sometimes just letting someone know helps to keep you strong when you’re feeling weaker.

 

Deal With Your Social Media Accounts

Social media is wonderful when we want to stay in touch and informed but horrific when we’re trying to sever ties. Delete their profile, unfriend them or block them from all accounts. If you’re still finding that you look them up, consider disabling your account for a time until you’re feeling more able to resist the urge. Your peace of mind is more important that keeping up with the silly cat meme of the day.

 

Use Visual Reminders

I had a note on my computer for months. It simply said, “Don’t even think about it.” That note was a visual reminder of my intention posted right where I faced the greatest temptation. Consider changing your lock screen or your wallpaper to something that is a reminder about your decision. Consider the times and locations when you want to initiate contact and put a visual reminder in those places.

 

Remind Yourself Why You Made This Decision

We tend to reach out when we’re doubting our decision to end the relationship. So to counteract that doubt, craft a list of all the reasons that this was the right decision for you. Keep that list handy and refer to it whenever you’re considering making contact.

 

Find Something Else to Occupy Your Mind

If you’re busy and engaged, you won’t have the time or energy to consider making contact. This is a great time to throw yourself into a new project or to work towards a goal. My personal favorite? Do something with a finish line.

 

If You Have Children With Them…

There are times when no contact would be the best decision but the presence of children makes that an impossibility. In these cases, creating and maintaining boundaries is of the utmost importance. Decide how much and what kind of contact you must have for the sake of the children. Attempt to limit contact to those methods only. If your ex is manipulative or abusive, email may be your best option as it provides a record and is less intrusive than texting.

Be very clear that the only communication will be about the children. Refrain from responding to messages that intend to provoke an emotional response. If your ex refuses to follow your guidelines, consider mediation. Sometimes they listen better when the request comes from someone else.

And if it’s still awful? Start a countdown calendar until the day your youngest turns eighteen.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

 

Going “No Contact” – Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You’ve been trying to go no contact but you keep going back. Here are some of the reasons you may be struggling to stay away –

You Wish You Could Be Friends

I get it. I still feel a little twinge of envy when I hear about people that are friends with an ex. But for some of us, that simply is not a possibility. It’s not easy to transition from a romantic partnership to friendship and it takes the full cooperation of both parties to make it happen. Simply maintaining contact will not force this outcome.

Also, be open to the possibility that no contact now may be what’s needed for a friendship to develop in the future. While you’re apart, you each have the ability to grow and evolve independently. And maybe that growth needs to occur before there is a possibility of friendship.

 

You’re Looking For Closure

Maybe there’s that one last conversation that you never got have. Or, perhaps you’re wanting to hear an explanation for their decisions that hurt you. Regardless, it feels unfinished. Like a door not fully sealed against the cold.

Here’s the brutal truth that I finally realized – closure can never come from another person. No matter how honest and vulnerable they’re willing to be (and that’s generally not likely), you are never going to hear the words that will take your pain away. Closure doesn’t come from an outside source; it comes from within you.

 

You Are Focusing Only on the Good

You loved them. Obviously, you saw some good qualities there.

You stayed with them. I have to assume that there were some good times.

When we enter into a relationship, we tend to only see the good in our partner. In order to leave, sometimes it helps to also see the bad. 

After all, they are an ex for a reason. Remember that.

 

You’re Making Excuses

Do you find that you say any of the following? – “I just had to send them one more message.” “I needed to look at their Instagram to make sure they were okay after the storm.” “I didn’t initiate the text; I was only responding to their message. After all, it’s rude not to respond.”

We’re good at coming up with reasons to justify what we want to do. As long as you’re making excuses, you’ll keep struggling.

 

You’re Experiencing Loneliness

The loneliness after divorce or a breakup can be crippling. And it is so tempting to go right back that person that is known, that is comfortable. But loneliness is no reason to maintain a relationship. You want to be with somebody that you want to be with. Not just because you don’t want to be alone.

It can be scary to embrace being alone. There are no distractions. You’re forced to face your own fears. Your own stories. It’s not easy work, but it’s probably the most important work you’ll ever do.

 

You Are Wanting Things to Be Different

I wish it could be different too. It would be amazing if we all could find ourselves, find love and live happily ever after. But that’s not reality.

You reach out with the hope that maybe they have changed. Maybe you even believe words spoken to this effect. You get your hopes up.

Only to have them shattered again.

Sometimes, relationships go through a rough patch and can be saved through mutual effort and determination.

And sometimes, hoping for things to improve is simply wishful thinking.

It’s important to recognize the difference. If things aren’t changing, don’t expect them to change. After all, we all know the saying about doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Understanding No Contact

Going “No Contact” – What Are the Benefits?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Are you debating if “no contact” is the best decision for you after a divorce or a breakup? This strategy has benefits for many people. Here are some of the common advantages:

 

It Helps You Establish and Maintain Your Personal Power

For all of us, the lines between “me” and “we” can become blurred in a relationship of any significant intensity or duration. When a no contact policy has been adopted, it gives you the space and time to again figure out who you are separate from them.

It’s easy to begin to internalize the words that others speak about us. We begin to see ourselves as they see us. And as long as there is contact, these words will continue to echo in our thoughts. And the only way to handle a possession is with an exorcism.

 

No Contact Encourages Healthy Boundaries

For many people, setting and maintaining boundaries is difficult. You may state where the line is, but when challenged, you oblige, moving it back just a little bit. And then, you slide it just a little more. Before you know it, the boundary has been completely ignored. As a result, you feel under-appreciated and overlooked.

If you’re one of those who always puts other’s needs ahead of your own, no contact is a gift to yourself. It gives you permission to no longer worry about your ex’s well-being. This is a time when you can learn how to secure your own oxygen mask first and to ask for – and accept – what you need.

 

Your Focus Can Shift to Healing Yourself

When you have contact with your ex, it’s easy to focus on your ex – Are they happy? Are they dating? Do they miss me? Have they let themselves go or are they in the process of reinvention?

Especially if your ex struggles with addiction, mental health issues or other problems, it’s common to be worried about – and even consumed by – their state. And in many cases, an unhealthy ex will encourage this focus on their problems.

When you fully remove them from your life, you take away the excuse that you need to look after them. Which means that you can shift your attention to healing yourself, learning from this relationship and eventually putting those lessons to good use in another relationship.

 

Distance Helps to Provide Perspective and Clarity

Relationships are like the ocean – when you’re in it, you can feel it, but you can’t really see the whole of it. When you cut off contact and create some distance from your ex and the relationship, you allow yourself to begin to see the entirety of the situation more clearly.

Even occasional contact can act as a filter, a lens that blurs your view and makes it harder to see the relationship with more detachment and rationality. If you want to be able to fully understand and process where things went wrong, you first need to be able to see without undo emotion.

 

Space is Opened Up For New Possibilities

As long as your ex is taking up space in your life, that spot is occupied and nobody else can come in. When you remove them, you are making space for new possibilities.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

 

Why is it So Hard?

Signs That It’s Needed

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

Six Reasons Smart People Are Dumb in Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b
smart people dumb love

I’ve always considered myself a smart person. And so, when I was confronted with the harsh reality of how stupid I was in my first marriage, it was a tough reality to accept.

How could I be SO dumb when it comes to love?

1 – Smart People Are Still Subject to the Addictive Nature of Love

No matter how smart you are, you are still impacted by your biology. And our biology has evolved to encourage us to form strong social bonds and to procreate. Oxytocin and serotonin help to create the feeling of love and encourage us to stay close.

But those aren’t the dangerous one.

That moniker goes to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives us a little jolt of pleasure whenever it is stimulated. And the best way to stimulate is through intermittent rewards.

Dopamine is present in high amounts at the beginning of a relationship when you cannot stop thinking about the other person. It’s the first, heady rush of the drug in your system. And it can easily become the dragon you keep chasing.

Manipulative people are masters at controlling the dopamine response in their partners. These are the abusers that follow their assault with copious amounts of affection and attention. Or, the ones who ignore your bids for attention and then randomly provide you with the love hit that you crave. They control you as surely as researchers doling out treats to the rats in the cage.

Much like any addict, when you’re under the influence of love, you can do some irrational and dumb things while seeking out the next high. And like any addict, it’s difficult to see the addiction while you’re still under its spell.

2 – Smart People Set Goals for Themselves and Are Used to Achieving Them

Smart people are used to dictating their lives. When they set goals of getting married by a certain age, they fully intend for that to happen. The problem arises when the goal of marriage becomes the sole focal point and the nature of the specific relationship is viewed as secondary.

In school, there is a direct correlation between the hours of study and score on the exam. At work, more effort leads to better results. When it comes to fitness, more hours at the gym results in a more favorable outcome. Yet in love, the corollary between energy and results is much more nebulous because no matter how much we try, we cannot control the behaviors of others.

You can set all the goals you want for your relationship. But if your partner does not share those goals or refuses to put forth the effort to reach them, those goals become moot. This is a difficult truth for smart people, especially when they see the potential within their partner. The question then becomes, are you in love with the person or with their potential?

3 – Smart People Have High Expectations of Themselves and Assume the Same of Others

Smart people are experts at reflection and course correction. They have high expectations of themselves and are often on a lifelong journey of self-improvement. They naturally assume that everyone else is capable of self-reflection and can articulate what they want. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. 

There are people who go through life taking advantage of those who see the best in others. People who do not hesitate to operate behind the veil of optimism and good graces. It’s almost impossible for those victimized by this behavior to understand it because it is so far removed from their very nature.

4 – Smart People Adapt to Their Environments

When you put sane people into an insane environment for any length of time, they will begin to adapt in order to survive. The analogy of slowly turning up the heat in order to boil the frog is apt here; even as the situation becomes dire, there is a constant recalibration of “normal.”

Smart people are good as assessing a situation and responding in a way that is advantageous for survival. Often, this is a desirable response. But when the response means that you have to continually bite your tongue or hide your true nature, the reactions have become maladaptive.

When the situation is toxic, it may be better to escape rather than to continually acclimate. After all, even if the water no longer feels hot, it can still scald.

5 – Smart People Often Trust Their Brains More Than Their Guts

When you’re smart, you learn to trust in your perceptions and your conclusions. You become adept at analyzing a situation and assembling evidence to support your case. This trait, useful in most areas, can be dangerous when it comes to love.

First of all, we want to believe that we made a sound decision when we selected our partner. So we’re reticent to admit to any signs that perhaps we made a mistake. Additionally, we fear losing love and ending up alone. So we create complicated narratives that excuse red flags in order to avoid facing that painful experience.

Smart people often dismiss their gut feelings, viewing intuition as a lesser skill than reasoning and believing only in things that can be proven through factual evidence.

Even when we can’t prove them, our gut feelings are important. They often operate like the sensors placed to recognize even the slightest increase in seismic activity. The disturbances are so slight that they operate below the level of conscious awareness, yet the gut can still tell that “something” is off.

6 – Smart People Fall Into the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” Because They Don’t Like to Quit

Once you have invested years into a relationship, it’s easy to use the time spent as justification for spending more time and energy. Sometimes, this inclination is advantageous. But if the demise of the relationship is inevitable, it’s simply throwing good money after bad in a desperate attempt to keep from admitting defeat.

Smart people have learned that success comes from effort and perseverance. They may struggle to understand the distinction between quitting (born from fear or frustration) and letting go (which arises from courage and acceptance). As a result, they will often do – and try – anything to keep from giving up. Even if it means giving up on themselves.

There is a silver lining to all of this…

Smart people learn from their mistakes. They understand how to break down a situation and reflect upon its merits and detriments. Smart people don’t shy away from responsibility or hard work. They see the correlation between effort and outcome and know that anything worthwhile isn’t easy to obtain.

Smart people can learn how to become smart in love.

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