Living Well

Like Mind, Like Body

Posted on August 11, 2018March 10, 2019 by stilllearning2b

Bracing for Impact

I went to the physical therapist with a complaint about my right hip. The deep, nagging pain had become prone to snapping, abruptly biting at me with sharp intensity. I wanted help training it to relax, whispering it into submission.

The therapist had me stand, back to him, with my arms by my sides. His trained eyes scanned my body, looking for any hints of the underlying dysfunction. Quickly, his gaze settled on my lower left side. “The tension is in your abdomen,” he stated, gesturing me towards the table.

Biomechanically, it made sense. Tightness in the lower left side of my abdomen was causing me to curl in, a subconscious plea to release the strain. In doing so, my right hip and periformis were being constantly tugged on. After being patient for so long, they had finely resorted to screaming for help.

As he patiently worked to convince the pulling muscles to let go, I wondered about the source of this adhesion and tension. I debated if it was a symptom of my endometriosis, uterine tissue driven by wanderlust to settle under my left hipbone.

But then I had another thought.

What if this wasn’t initiated by a physical cause at all.

What if I, nine years after the tsunami, was still bracing for impact?

Yin Hips

Yin is a type of yoga where each pose is held for several minutes. It’s designed to slowly soften the fascia- the tough, fibrous tissue that wraps over our muscles and binds us as we age.

A yin hips practice is surprising emotional. Rage sweeps the mind like a flame at an all-you-can-eat oxygen buffet even as your body is gently supported by bolsters and blankets. Tears slide down the cheeks until a small pool of sadness puddles below your peaceful reclined face. Giggles abruptly surface, startlingly loud in a quiet room.

The body and mind pull against each other, the mind encouraging a strategy of flee while the body tenses in response to the stimulation and argues for a posture of “fight.” And caught in the middle of this struggle is you, folding into yourself, feeling trapped in the center of the discord. Unable to move your body, your brain goes into overdrive.

Yin hips can’t be rushed. I know, I’ve tried, even going as far to do the videos and 1 ½ speed. It doesn’t work. You assume the shapes. The body participates. But the mind is still on the floor, throwing a record-setting tantrum.

It takes time to learn to let go. We grow into our stories, become anchored in our bodies. We form habits. We fear release. We hold on as though the act of holding on is the only power we wield.

Until that moment of surrender. Of breathing into the discomfort. Turning in instead of tuning out.

As soon as the mind relaxes,

The body follows suit.

What’s Your Superpower?

Posted on August 8, 2018March 10, 2019 by stilllearning2b

The summer movie blockbuster season is definitely upon us. And with it, comes the inundation of superheroes, each with their own strength and approach.

When I was growing up, I remember the heroes and villains were often presented as uni-dimensional, all-good or all-bad. They were fun, but they were far-from realistic.

Superheroes are instead like us – a blend of good and bad – only their traits are exaggerated for our entertainment.

In a meeting this summer, my principal challenged each of the teachers present to name their superpower. Some didn’t surprise me – the counselor who is good at building relationships, the coach who excels at motivating others, the creative teacher who is good at encouraging others to try new things.

But some were eye-opening. In some ways, I learned more about my coworkers through that brief exercise than I had in two years worth of meetings and trainings.

I noticed something else, too. As each person named and described their superpower, they grew a little taller in their chair. They were no longer passive recipients in a summer meeting; they had become agents of change and growth in the organization.

Right now, on the evening of my fourth day back with kids, I’m feeling anything but powerful. I’m beyond exhausted. I’m sure there’s a word for that, but even the thesaurus is too much for tonight. Yet, when I sat down at my home computer to respond to messages, I saw this title sitting in my drafts, waiting to be written. I remembered that day, several weeks ago, when I described my own superpower. And I suddenly felt a little less drained and a little more motivated to use my superpowers with the kids again tomorrow (after some couch time and some sleep!).

We’re all so good at the negative self-talk. We never hesitate to tell ourselves where we’re lacking or berate ourselves for our weaknesses.

When was the last time you named, much less celebrated, your superpower?

How about starting now?

What is YOUR superpower?

These Are the Dogs of Our Lives

Posted on August 4, 2018March 8, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I put up a request on my Facebook page last week for people to share pictures of the pets that supported them through divorce. The submissions were equal parts heartwarming and heartbreaking and throughout, it was extremely clear how important our pets are to our mental health. My favorite pictures were the ones that demonstrated the bond between human and animal; some were powerful images that truly captured the connection. It’s amazing how much joy and comfort these dogs, cats, guinea pigs and even a turtle have brought to the darkest days.

Some shared sad stories about losing their pets in the process of divorce. Those were hard to read because that is still the biggest pain I hold from my own spilt.

Nine years ago, my then-husband left the home while I was on a trip. He didn’t send the text that he was leaving (I guess he needs a lesson on verb tenses) until one to two days later. In the meantime, the three dogs and one cat that we had were locked in the basement with insufficient food and water.

If he hadn’t sent that text, I probably would have returned home from my trip to find them deceased. Thankfully, the notice allowed a local – and priceless – friend to check on the animals and ensure they were taken care of until I arrived back home half a day later.

It was a bittersweet reunion with my pack. I loved them so much and yet, as the reality of my precarious situation made itself clear over the next few days, I also knew that I was no longer able to care for them. Damn. Just writing that still brings the tears. I still feel guilt over my inability to fulfill my promises to them. I still turn over the facts in my mind wondering if there was a way that I could have found a space where I could have lived with them and found a way to pay for their needs. The reality of that time was that I was barely able to care for myself (emotionally, physically or financially). It would have been a disaster for all involved if I assumed the responsibility for the well-being of others at that point.

With the tireless help of friends and family, the three dogs found new homes. Good homes. The cat stayed with me in the priceless friend’s guest room. We were refugees together. When she died from complications of old age a few years ago, it was as though a part of me went too.

My canine savior came in later, just after the divorce was finalized. His name was Tiger, a spirited, strong and wise soul tucked inside one hundred pounds of beautiful pit bull. When we met, I was still struggling. I was so scared. Not of him, but of loving and losing again. I was still unable to trust my perceptions and my instincts after years of gaslighting and so I doubted my ability to handle him in public.

He knew all of this, in the way that dogs do. But he didn’t judge me for it or tell me to get over it. He just stayed by my side, teaching me that he could be trusted. Showing me that I was capable of more than I thought. And giving me unconditional love in a time when I still felt unlovable. He rescued me.

We lost Tiger suddenly and traumatically last fall. It was too soon. Isn’t it always? It was such a hard day, but I’m glad that I could be there for him at the end. It helped with some of the residual guilt from before.

Kazh came into our lives a short time later. It’s been fascinating to see how different I am with him because I’m in such a better place. Tiger was my teacher. Kazh is getting the benefit of those lessons.

And that’s how it is with our pets. For their brief times, they live beside us through it all. They see the truth behind the picket fences yet withhold judgment, they offer affection when the whole world turns its back and they display a loyalty and fidelity that few humans can match.

They are the dogs (and cats and guinea pigs and turtles) of our lives. Making the good times a little sweeter and helping to guide us through the hard times.

If you have an animal in your life that has helped you through, give them a little kiss of gratitude today. If you’ve lost one, pause for a moment and say, “thank you” for sharing your time with me.

Taking Responsibility: How to Tell When It’s Your Stuff to Own

Posted on July 25, 2018March 8, 2024 by stilllearning2b

It can be challenging to determine when something falls on somebody else’s shoulders and when it it is ultimately your responsibility to bear. Here are four ways to tell if it’s your stuff to own –

1 – A pattern keeps repeating.

When I first started casually dating post-divorce, I had guys start to pull back after a few days. At first, I brushed it off, lamenting the poor manners and hook-up culture in today’s world. But it kept happening and I eventually admitted that I was the common denominator. With just a brief amount of reflection, I soon embarrassingly realized that they withdrew because I was acting like their wife. Oops. It wasn’t intentional on my part, but since I had been married so long and dated so little, I was an expert in the first arena and a novice in the second. Once I identified the issue, I quickly corrected it and the pattern came to an abrupt halt.

When we repeatedly find ourselves in the same situations or with the same sort of subpar relationships, we often point the finger, blaming anything and everything we can. Yet when the same pattern keeps happening to you, I’m afraid there is a reason and you’re likely the source of it.

Here’s your stuff –

Identify any patterns that have a tendency to occur in your life.

Look for the commonalities between the situations and identify how you contribute to the pattern.

Consider how you can alter the pattern. Can you change the antecedent, your behavior or your response?

Enlist the help of a professional, if needed.

2 – It’s an issue you have now because of something that somebody else did to you.

My ex-husband certainly did not set me up for success with future relationships. By leaving with a text message, he primed me for fearing abandonment going forward and by committing bigamy, he set me up for worrying about future betrayals. Blaming him is futile, as he didn’t seem fazed about the repercussions of his decisions and besides, he couldn’t alter the impact that it had on me. I could also try to shuttle this to my now-husband’s shoulders, dictating his actions because of my past experiences. But not only is that not fair to him, it also won’t undo the damage from my ex.

It’s tempting to state that we need people to treat us a certain way or to do (or not do) certain things because it easily triggers us. And yes, we can (and should) communicate these preferences to others. But ultimately, our responses (or overreactions) are our responsibility because we are the only people that we can control.

Here’s your stuff –

Know yourself and your triggers.

Set yourself up for success by avoiding or limiting certain situations until you are able to handle them.

Communicate your preferences clearly yet without expectations.

Actively work to discharge the energy around your triggers.

Refrain from blaming people that come into your life after the event for what happened.

3 – It is not something that another person can fix for you.

I stress. Big time. My ex-husband learned how to soothe me when I got worked up when we were teenagers. I grew to depend upon his help to calm down when I would become overwhelmed. And then he left, and I was left stressing even more. When my now-husband came into the picture, I assumed that he would also take on the role of professional stress tamer. He refused, rightly pointing out that managing my stress was ultimately my job. I pouted, but I learned. And the techniques that I have in place now are far more effective than anything that my ex could do for me.

We often try to pass off our unwanted struggles on others. After all, it’s easier if we can outsource the things that we don’t want to get our hands dirty with. Life rarely works that way, however. We can – and should – ask for help. But all others (including therapists) can do for us is offer guidance, support and encouragement. Ultimately, nothing changes until we do.

Here’s your stuff –

Know what you normally struggle with.

Ask for help when you can’t make progress or you are unsure where to begin.

Accept the limits of helping and be prepared to do the heavy lifting.

4 – You find yourself complaining about the issue repeatedly.

I used to have a really hard time going back to school at the end of the summer. I would feel the envy rise as I heard about the amazing vacations that other teachers took while I reflected on my time spent working or looking for somebody available to do something with. This happened more years in a row than I would like to admit. Finally, I realized that the other teacher’s trip weren’t likely to change and neither was my financial status. But I could still shift my summer focus from work to adventure-on-a-budget. And now, when I return, I hear others exclaim over my summer stories and pictures.

We all can fall into pattern of complaining. It’s easy and it can also feel productive since we are actually doing something (even if that something is only moving our mouths). There are two possibilities with the issue you’re complaining about. Either it’s out of your control and so you need to change your mindset or it’s something you can change and it’s time to get busy.