Advantages to Dating In Your 40s (and Beyond)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
dating 40s

One of the myriad side effects of divorce is that you may find yourself thrust back into the daunting world of dating in your 40s or beyond. It’s easy to dismiss dating as a young person’s game and become intimidated at the prospect of putting yourself back out there after life has had years to make its marks upon you.

Love is not, “One strike and you’re out.” You always have another chance.

Perhaps you worry that your body is too saggy or that your emotional baggage is too heavy. The thought of putting your best face forward and making the effort to get to know somebody sounds exhausting. You’re hesitant at the thought of opening up again and you’re increasingly enjoying doing things your way. And through all of these concerns, is the uneasiness that there is nobody out there for you (or the twin fear that nobody will want you).

Yet the urge to connect is still there, persistent in its approach. You may no longer be looking for somebody to start a family with and your white picket fence dreams have faded with the harsh light of day, but even now, you desire to have someone by your side. A partner through life’s second half.

Dating in your 40s is an opportunity to apply what you learned in your 20s and 30s. 

Dating when you’re younger is all about possibility. Excitement. It’s less about what you’ve experienced and more about what you want to accomplish. The youthful veneer of invincibility has yet to wear off and so you may approach relationships with a sense of certainty that if it feels right, it is right.

Dating in your 40s is different. You’ve experienced both love and loss. You’ve had to accept that wanting something to be true doesn’t make it so. And while it’s true that dating in midlife can be more challenging in many ways, there are also many advantages to dating once you have lived a little.

In many ways, it’s easier to determine if someone is the right person for you when you’re dating in your 40s.

Here’s why…

You see who somebody is, not what they promise to become.

When I was dating my first husband, I stated that I would never be a teacher and he promised that he would never turn into his father. We were wrong on both counts.

When you’re dating in your teens and 20s, you are basing decisions about how well you fit with somebody based on their dreams and youthful intentions. And many of those expectations may never materialize.

Once you’ve reached your 40s, those early aspirations have been woven with reality, a tapestry that speaks to the truth of who you are. You no longer have to rely on who somebody says they want to be, you now have evidence to support (or refute) their claims.

You are able to ascertain how they handle transition, disappointment, mistakes and failure. 

I never knew that my first husband was prone to cowardice and deception until he faced some harsh realities associated with his chosen career. If I had known that about him ahead of time, I may have thought twice before deciding to marry.

Few of us reach 40 without dealing with some major blows from life. When you are getting to someone new that has been through life’s tumbler, you have the opportunity to discover how they handle hard times before you make the decision to make them your partner through the good and the bad.

All of this is valuable data to have that is difficult to come by when you’re younger.

The inevitability of mortality often encourages more vulnerability.

There’s a softening that happens to people in their 40s that is unrelated to the effects of gravity and a slowing metabolism. Parents are aging, friends are beginning to be diagnosed with serious illnesses and you begin to experience the inevitability of aging.

As a sense of invincibility is replaced with a respect for mortality, a desire for real connection often follows. When you no longer feel like you have forever, you begin to understand the importance of every moment and every interaction.

Along with this sense of urgency comes a fear of being alone and of missed opportunities to express your feelings. All of this can lead to more openness and less ego.

Your beliefs and values have become your own and you are less concerned about appearances and the views of others.

I love to compare first weddings to subsequent ones. The initial nuptials are often lavish affairs, dictated both by what’s popular and by the expectations of the families. Second weddings are more personalized and less commercial, reflecting more on the couple than on those around them.

Relationships often follow similar patterns. When we’re younger, we’re more likely to structure our lives in a certain way because it’s what’s expected or because we want others to perceive us in a certain way. Once we reach our 40s, there’s a certain confidence and a “Don’t care what others think” attitude that reflects a comfort with your own beliefs and decisions.

Lasting friendships give insight into commitment and loyalty. 

“I promise to never leave you,” my first husband said. And then, over the years, I saw him leave friendships, his parents and eventually, me. In contrast, when I met my second husband’s friends, I was impressed at the longevity of these friendships and his loyalty even through trying times.

Maintaining friendships becomes more challenging as we grow older and our lives become increasingly busy. When you’re dating someone in midlife, you have this powerful window into how important maintaining relationships is to them.

You learn about their adaptability. 

Change or become obsolete.

It’s harsh. But you only have to look to the natural world to see its truth.

I’m a firm believer that adaptability is one of the core qualities people need to have for successful relationships.

And by our 40s, life has given us many opportunities to adapt – children come and go, jobs are secured and security is threatened, earlier choices lead to unseen consequences that require difficult choices. And aging will bring even more opportunities for adaptation. Isn’t it nice to have a sense of how somebody will cope?

Dating has its challenges at any life stage.

And it also has its advantages.

Don’t let fear or discouragement hold you back.

There is no age limit to love.

Important Factors to Consider Before Relocating for a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b
relocating relationship

Have you ever relocated for a relationship?

I have.

Twice.

The first time, I followed my future-ex-husband from San Antonio to Atlanta. I left behind family, friends and school to move to unseen apartment in a city that I had never even visited. Even with all of the sacrifice, I never considered not making the move. At that point, being with my fiance was more important than anything else.

What can I say, you live and you learn.

The next time was slightly different. After the divorce, I was ready to launch myself out of Atlanta like a pilot jettisoning from a crashing plane. I had my sights and my intention focused on Seattle. And then I met my future husband (and later his dog, Tiger) and made the decision to stay put in the area for at least a year.

But I still had to move, even though it was only towards the western end of town instead of the west coast. This time, I was able to become comfortable with my new surroundings, pick out my own apartment and find a job in the area all before I took the plunge.

Yet even with all of that preparation, it was still sometimes a struggle. Because when you relocate for a relationship, you inevitably are making some trade-offs. Ultimately, it’s up to you to decide if the exchanges are worth it (and many time they are). But make sure you carefully consider these factors before you take the plunge:

 

Is this a location where you would choose to live in spite of your partner?

The place where you live has an enormous impact on your overall well-being and happiness. No matter how in love you are, if you hate your city every day, you’ll become miserable. If the draw of the relationship is too great to ignore, can you find a way to make the location more palatable? Maybe a certain neighborhood is more pleasing or the perfect home outweighs the negatives of the rest of the environment. My mom ended up in landlocked San Antonio and she cursed the lack of water until she installed a small backyard pool.

If you and your partner break up, will (or even can you) stay in this location?

At one point, my now-ex and I were looking into the possibility of relocating to California. I remember feeling a strangle little pull in the pit of my stomach when I realized that there was no chance of being able to ever afford to live there on my own salary (and this was when I thought the marriage was healthy). It’s good to have the outline of a “what if” plan sketched out before you invest the time and money into moving.

 

Do you have your own social group in the location? If not, what will you do to build your own connections?

When one half of a couple relocates for the other, it can easily create a situation where the newly-moved is completely dependent upon the other for their social and emotional needs. If you don’t already have friends or family in the location, what can you put in place immediately to start to grow new friendships. Also, how will you keep in touch with established friends as you nurture these new relationships? Try to have more than one possible source for friendships at the ready in case one proves to be a bust.

 

Are you giving up status at work or credits at school in order to move? How will that impact you down the road?

When I moved to Atlanta, I basically lost over two years of college credits. Then, when my ex lost his job, I was forced to make some difficult decisions about my planned degree. At the time, I was okay with the decision, yet I’m not sure that I would make the same one again. Be very careful about your professional or earning potential losses with a relocation. The impact of those can be quite large and irreversible. It may make sense to delay to move for a time or to work to find a creative solution.

 

What will your living situation be like? Are you starting fresh together or moving into their established space?

Moving into someone else’s space is difficult. Even once all of your clothes are in the closet and your pictures are on the wall, you can still feel more like a guest than a permanent resident. Beyond that, how will your space differ from that which you’re accustomed to? Are you moving from the suburbs to a small city apartment or having to deal with the lack of public transit for the first time? Do your research, ask questions and read this for more advice on how to move in together.

 

Do you have children? How will they be impacted by the move? How will their relationship with their other parent be affected?

Will your kids have to change schools? Based upon their ages and temperaments, do anticipate this will be relatively easy for them or especially traumatic? Will they have to share a bedroom for the first time or adjust to a change in available activities? What can you put in place ahead of time to create a niche for them to slide into? If you’re moving away from their other parent (and this parent is involved), plan ahead for ways that your kids can maintain contact. Adult friendships can be sustained with minimal and/or infrequent meaningful contact. Kids’ relationships with their parents cannot.

 

Does your partner frequently expect you to be the one who makes sacrifices or is this generally an equitable relationship?

This is a biggie. Maybe in this case, it makes sense for you to be the one uprooted. But if the tables were turned, would your partner relocate for you? Outside of the move, is your partner willing to compromise their own desires sometimes for the betterment of the relationship? I know that I would never move for somebody that wouldn’t also move for me.

 

So how about you?

Have you moved for love (or for what you thought was love at the time)?

Do you have any regrets?

Did you experience any triumphs?

Do you have any lessons to share?

 

 

Don’t Forget to Plan Your Marriage (While You’re Busy Planning Your Wedding)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I visited my local Starbucks the other day to enjoy some coffee and free Wi-Fi. I was engaged in relatively mindless grading, so I let my ears wander to the conversations around me. One in particular caught my attention, as it pertained to the seemingly endless numbers of my former students getting married. There was a large group at the table across from me — a young engaged couple, parents, wedding planners (yes, plural) and a priest. The plans they were making were as detailed and complex as those made for a presidential inauguration.

We hear so much about wedding planning. There are entire industries built around helping the couple carry out their “perfect day.” It’s easy to get carried away in the romance and the idea that a single ceremony represents the entirety of a relationship. It’s easy to confuse the ability to control the details of a day with the potential for controlling an entire life. It may be easy, but like the eyes of the audience at a magic show, it is attention focused in the wrong direction. Wedding days should be special; it is a time to celebrate your bond and make a public declaration of your relationship. However, don’t be so busy planning your wedding that you neglect to plan your marriage. Here are a few things to keep in mind for your Big Day, and the days (and years) after you say “I do.”

 

Compromise
Weddings begin with compromise. Perhaps she wants to elope and he wants a large, family-filled church ceremony. Hopefully, a middle ground is agreed upon where each partner feels listened to and has his or her critical needs met. Compromise only beginswith the wedding day. As two lives become entwined, differing views and priorities are inevitable. Make sure you know how to navigate these differences in a balanced way.

 

Influence
Have you ever been to a wedding where you couldn’t tell if it was a day for the bride or the bride’s mom? Just as your wedding is your day and should be created in your image, your marriage is yours and yours alone. By all means, listen to the advice of those around you but remember that you make the ultimate decision of what your relationship will look like.

 

Children

Will children be welcomed at the ceremony or even given a featured role or instead will the invitations politely implore the attendees to leave their offspring at home? I’m always amazed to discover the number of couples that don’t discuss the desired role of children in their lives after marriage. Some, who see children as a natural progression from marriage, simply assume that their future spouse feels the same. Others have the discussion but fail to consider the repercussions if one partner later changes their mind or biology conspires against them. These are important – if difficult – conversations to have.

 

Religion

Apart from those betrothed couples that met at church, there will almost certainly be some differences in childhood or adult religious beliefs and practices. Since marriage vows have historically been performed within a religious framework, the wedding provides a wonderful opportunity to discuss the role and significance that religion will take for the couple. This conversation needs to extend beyond the wedding day. It’s even more important that the couple agrees on where every Sunday morning will be spent than on who will lead the service on the day the marriage begins.

 

Invitations
Most people are very deliberate about the friends they invite to be a part of their wedding. They want to surround themselves with others who will be supportive, realistic, and share in their joy. Be just as deliberate in choosing the friends that surround your marriage. We are influenced by those we spend our time with; choose wisely.

 

Beauty
Much time and money is put into creating the décor and ambiance of a wedding day. Just because the day is over and the budget is back to reality does not mean that you have to forgo beauty. Find ways to incorporate items that make you smile into your daily life. Any table is brightened by even the simplest centerpiece.

 

Words
The focus of a wedding is on the words spoken between the spouses-to-be — the promises and declarations to love, honor, and cherish. Even after the walk down the aisle, words, whether spoken or written, are still an important part of a marriage. Never assume that your spouse knows how you feel and never underestimate the power of a positive word or two. The best part? When you say how much you love or appreciate your partner, it fuels those positive feelings in you as well.

 

Balance
Many wedding traditions have a deliberate balance between the time spent as a couple and the time spent apart. Even when you married, it is important to spend time away from your partner, either alone or with other friends or family. Make sure you have discussed your needs and expectations for your balance of time; it’s important to reach an agreement between the two of you so that no one feels smothered and no one feels abandoned.

 

Tradition
Some of the meaning in a wedding comes from tradition — elements handed down through generations that create a sense of unity and belonging. Just because the ceremony has ended does not mean that there is not room for traditions in your marriage. Look to your families of origin for rituals that you can implement in your new union or seek to create your own traditions. These conventions will serve to strengthen the bond between you and your spouse and give you a foundation upon which to build lasting memories.

 

Money
It is the rare couple who marries without a budget. Just because the presents are unwrapped and put away and you have begun to get used to married life does not mean that the budget goes out the window. Make sure you and your new spouse continue to talk about money. Agree on common financial goals. Separate needs from wants. Don’t let nickels and dimes create a wall between you and your betrothed.

 

Publicity
A wedding is a public vow, whether it be made in a private ceremony or in front of thousands, it is still declaring your commitment to the world. After the wedding, life settles down and it’s easy to confine your marriage to your private life. Or, even worse, expose your frustrations with your spouse but keep mum about the joys. Even after the wedding, make a habit of speaking positively about your spouse and your marriage. Sharing this commitment publicly helps to keep it alive.

 

Fun
The best weddings are fun. They have a sense of levity and humor. Any mishaps are laughed about and the challenges are kept in perspective. That’s pretty good advice for a marriage, as well. Not every day will be a party but you can strive to find humor and laughter in every situation. Find ways to bring excitement and fun into your marriage. The associated smiles are priceless.

I’m sure that the couple I overheard at Starbucks will have a lovely wedding (and I am SO glad that I’m not footing the bill!). I just hope they have planned as thoroughly to have a lovely marriage.

Why Marriage Can Be Better the Second Time Around

Posted on by stilllearning2b
second marriage

I wrote this piece almost five years ago, just before I said “I do” for the second time. It has definitely been one of the better decisions I have ever made.

 

 

I am as familiar with the statistics as anyone — two-thirds of second marriages are expected to end in divorce. There are many factors often cited for this depressing outcome. The family unit is more diverse and less cohesive. The children tend to be older and more independent, thus staying together for the sake of the kids is less of an issue. The ghosts of spouses past can continue to haunt the new marriage. Perhaps one or both partners moved too quickly into a new relationship rather than allowing sufficient time to heal from the divorce or to address underlying issues. Or, maybe they spent so much time single that partnered life with its compromises and complexities is no longer a fit. And, of course, there is the fact that once you have been divorced and survived, it may be easier to tread that path again.

Regardless of the reasons, the numbers are clear. Second marriages are more likely to fail than first unions. But, when it comes to relationships, I don’t care about statistics. I care about individual marriages, including my own. And, rather than focus on the added challenges that can impact subsequent marriages, I choose to acknowledge the ways that a marriage can be better the second time around.

Value

I took my first marriage and my first husband for granted. He was always there and I assumed he would always be there. It wasn’t that I treated him poorly or neglected the marriage, I just didn’t understand the fragility of it and that it could disappear so easily. Now I know that no marriage is divorce-proof and that there are no guarantees. I like living with the awareness that the marriage could end; it makes me value it every day almost like a person who has received a terminal diagnosis appreciates every day they have left. I hope I have many more days with my new husband but I also try to live each one as if it may be my last.

When you know that something could end, you are more likely to value it. And when you value something, you are more likely to appreciate it and nurture it. And when you appreciate and nurture something, it is more likely to live on.

Wisdom

The end of a marriage can be a time rich with lessons. Hard lessons, to be sure, but valuable ones. It’s not uncommon for the wounds and behavior patterns of childhood to follow one into marriage. It’s not unusual for someone to choose a spouse that reminds them of a parent or to fall into a relationship that mirrors one from the past. Divorce can be a huge wake-up call from those automatic choices and behaviors. It is a time to heal from old hurts rather than repeat them. For me, that meant facing my fears of abandonment and recognizing (and changing) my behaviors that could lead to being jettisoned again.

When both partners have humbled themselves to the lessons of the end of a marriage, the resulting wisdom and experience can benefit a new relationship.

Balance

My first husband and I became adults together. We were each other’s constant as we navigated the challenges of early adulthood. As other aspects of life changed around us, we each became more reliant upon the other. We attended most social events together, never took separate vacations and even tended to run errands as a pair.

It’s different now; my now-husband and I were completely independent before we ever met. We each had our own fully developed lives and friendships. My new marriage has areas where our lives overlap, yet it also has plenty of distinct regions. We are independent in some ways and interdependent in others.

A second marriage means that the partners are older and have had time to establish themselves as independent adults before entering into an alliance with another. The edges are less blurred and more carefully maintained and each partner is less likely to be swallowed by the marriage.

Mystery

I knew my ex-husband from the time we were teenagers; I thought I knew everything there was to know about him. I couldn’t have been more wrong. I failed to notice that the man he became was no longer the man I knew. I saw what I expected to see.

With my new husband, I know there is still much to learn. Every week, I hear a new story or uncover some novel fact about his past. The sense of mystery is a reminder that getting to know someone is a never-ending process.

I don’t think I know what he is going to say.

So I listen.

I don’t have any expectations of what I will see.

So I look.

At first, this felt a bit scary to me. I wondered if I would ever feel like I knew him as well as I knew my ex. But then I realized, I only thought I knew my ex. The comfort in that was the wool over my eyes.

I like the dash of mystery. The reminder that he is himself, with all his own experiences and opinions, before he is my husband.

Intention

My first wedding felt like the inevitable conclusion to a good relationship. This marriage feels like a hard-won victory after years of facing struggle. The triumph of love over loss. Trust over betrayal. And peace over pain. Every step has been deliberate. Intentional. There’s no autopilot this time — I’m the one driving my life.

Clarity

Anyone who has survived the death of a marriage is bilingual — speaking the languages of love and loss. And experiencing the depths of the pain only makes love that much sweeter. I vow to never forget the agony because it makes me grateful every day for what I have. Divorce has a way of putting everything in perspective and helping you focus on what really matters.

And what matters to me is not the fact that two-thirds of second marriages end in divorce. I simply want to focus on what I can do to continue to make my second marriage happy and successful.

 

On a related note, I chose my second husband carefully after learning from my mistakes. Here are the significant ways that he’s different than my first.

What NOT to Do If You’re Unhappy in Your Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
unhappy marriage

So you’ve come to realize that you’re unhappy in your marriage.

Perhaps you’ve noticed that you look forward to the times when your spouse is out of the home. Maybe you’re feeling increasingly stifled or frustrated with your life and you’re experiencing a driving need to do something different. Or your spouse has begun to feel like a stranger to you and you startle to learn that you feel lonelier with them than when you’re by yourself.

Your mind is a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and emotions. You remember your vows and you think about the pain that divorce would inflict upon your partner and children and you make an internal pledge to suck it up and make it work. Then, as you contemplate endless years with more of the same unhappiness or discontentment, you begin to summon the courage to make a change. And then you remember your shared history and the time invested into the relationship and you’re again unsure.

I’ve written before about what to do when you’re in the midst of a marital crisis.

But what about what not to do? Sometimes we need to be able to see the hazards clearly so that we can make sure we avoid crashing into them.

Here is that list –

What NOT to Do If You’re Unhappy in Your Marriage:

Don’t Ignore It

When things are uncomfortable or suboptimal, it can be tempting to turn away from the unpleasant reality. To pull an adult version of, “If I don’t look for the monster under the bed, it can’t exist.” Yet ignoring any concrete issues in the marriage or your own unhappiness with the status quo will not only be unsuccessful, it will also be unsustainable over the long run. The issues, whatever they may be be, will not resolve on their own and your ignored feelings will refuse to stay silent indefinitely.

It is only by facing your unhappiness that you have the possibility of resolving it.

Worried that you’re ignoring some important signs of marital discord? Here are five signs that you may be in denial.

Don’t Fixate On It

It is important not to deny your marital unhappiness and it is also critical that you refrain from becoming preoccupied with it. Whatever we nurture, grows. If all of your attention is focused on your discontentment, it will begin to multiply until it blocks your view of any residual affection or commitment.

When your marriage is in trouble, it’s natural for it to threaten to become all-consuming. After all, tremors in your relationship create aftershocks that travel through your entire life as you begin to realize how much everything is connected. You may find yourself grasping onto whatever you can as a fear of loss and isolation begins to press against your ribcage, threatening to cut off all of your oxygen supply.

Even as you’re navigating this uncertain and scary time, continue to reassure yourself that you will be okay no matter what the outcome.

Don’t Assign Blame Without Responsibility

It’s so easy – and often quite deserved – to place the blame for your marital dissatisfaction  at the feet of your misbehaving or unenlightened spouse. “I’m miserable because he drinks.” “If she would just pay attention to me instead of just the kids, we’d be okay.” “We’re struggling because he keeps flirting with random girls on Facebook.”

All of those things may well be true. And it may also be true that your partner’s actions and your happiness are mutually exclusive, that as long as their behavior continues, you will be miserable. You cannot change their choices. Yet you also have a responsibility to yourself. What you tolerate, will continue. What you allow, communicates how you can be treated. When you only blame, you give away your power. When you take on responsibility for your own decisions, you become even more powerful.

It’s important to recognize, name and confront the decisions and behaviors that your parter is making that negatively impact the marriage. And it’s also important for you to identify and express the choices that you have in light of the circumstances. You may not be able to save your marriage alone, but you do have the power to save yourself.

Don’t Have a “Bandaid” Kid

What more tangible sign is there of a unity of two people than a child? This living, breathing combination of both of you. An impressionable and defenseless embodiment of love wrapped in blankets and dreams. So it’s no surprise that people often (consciously or subconsciously) have a child in an attempt to refresh a struggling marriage.

Yet children are also an immense strain on a relationship. Tempers flare as sleep becomes a rare and precious commodity. Finances stretch under the new responsibility and the partnership often feels the strain. And the challenging steps of negotiating a fair division of labor while navigating new roles can make even the closest couples begin to have doubts.

On top of the inevitable stressors that a child adds to a marriage, it is also unfair to task a kid with the burden of stitching a worn and threadbare relationship together. Just as you spruce up the physical space to welcome home a new baby, ensure that the repairs on the marriage are undertaken before a new child is brought into the fold.

Don’t Open Up the Relationship

Many of the podcasts I listen to and advice columns I read feature advice-seekers who begin by describing their dissatisfaction with their marriages and then follow up with a question about the viability of opening up their marriage. On the one hand, I get it. They’re desperate to find a way to keep what they have that also provides the excitement and novelty that one or both spouses are craving. On the other hand, navigating the transition from a monogamous relationship to an open one is fraught with many stumbling blocks. I can’t imagine a couple that is already in trouble successfully communicating about emotionally-charged boundaries and rules.

Part of the reason that opening up the relationship may be appealing in times of discord is that is acts as both a distraction from the marital problems and another source of the validation or intimacy that may be missing from the primary relationship. And when attentions are focused elsewhere, the unhappiness within the marriage is likely to grow.

Don’t Make a Major Purchase

For many of us, when we’re unhappy, we look to material goods to fill the voids that we feel inside. It’s easy to fall prey to the illusion put forth by advertisers as we see happy and smiling families spilling out of new homes or heading out in their newly-acquired vehicle on some sort of perfect adventure. We can begin to blame our current possessions for our discontentment and pin our hopes on becoming happier once we secure that next new thing.

Not only is this snipe hunt a distraction and wallet-emptier, it can become an endless search for meaning and satisfaction where it cannot be found. No matter what baubles decorate your marriage or what wrappings surround your relationship, the basic connection (or disconnection) remains the same.

Don’t Seek Emotional Intimacy or Validation Elsewhere

When you feel invisible in your marriage, it’s tempting to find others who will truly see and appreciate you. Be careful on this slippery slope. Attention feels good and you can end up unintentionally sliding into an emotional affair (here are the key signs to watch out for).

If you think your marriage has a chance, give it that chance. Focus your energy towards making your partnership stronger and growing yourself into a better spouse. If your marriage is already on shaky ground, focusing elsewhere is a surefire way to send it tumbling into ruins.

And if your marriage is dead, have the respect to communicate its demise before you turn your attentions elsewhere.

Don’t Disappear

Because that’s just a cowardly and malicious way to end a relationship. You have the right to leave, but don’t lose sight of your spouse’s rights as well. Here is what you do owe your spouse, no matter what decision you decide upon for you.