This is Where the Magic Happens

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My now-husband is a complete and total badass. Last weekend, after fourteen years of blood, sweat, humility and stubbornness, he received his black belt in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. This is his fifth black belt, but by far, the most difficult one to achieve.

In BJJ, belts are awarded by surprise at the conclusion of a seminar. I was given notice that he would be receiving his black belt so that I could sneak in at the start of the belt ceremony. He was unaware of my presence behind him as he stood in the line, expecting to witness only the award of a few blue belts.

In many ways, I was an interloper. The mat is my husband’s world, not mine. Even though the faces in the room were familiar, I felt like a stranger peeking into a family’s window at dinnertime.

His teacher began to talk about the incredible dedication and commitment my husband has shown, even when facing injuries and an upcoming surgery. He detailed the perseverance and willingness to learn that my husband has demonstrated over the years.

Standing there, listening to these words and watching the emotion build in my husband as the realization began to settle in, I was filled with immense pride for his accomplishment.

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It was only later, after an evening of celebration, when I realized that I had never been proud of my ex-husband in the same way. Sure, he had done some good things, reached some goals and had some successes. But he never exhibited the sort of consistent hard work in the face of countless obstacles nor the humility needed to be receptive to the lessons offered.

A mutual friend asked me recently what it was in my now-husband’s Match profile that attracted me. He assumed that I had a thing for martial artists and was expecting me to confirm that.

I thought for a moment. “It wasn’t the martial arts,” I replied. “It’s what the martial arts said about him. I knew that he wasn’t afraid to ’embrace the suck’ and didn’t give up when things became difficult. I liked that he had something in his life that he was passionate about. I admired his dedication, his work ethic and how he created his own marital arts family. That’s what attracted me.”

There are times when it has been challenging being married to somebody so dedicated. BJJ videos fill the house with sounds of struggle and dirty gis fill the air with the odor of sweat. I hear about injuries and nagging pains on an ongoing basis and have to be a voice of reason when they become too severe to ignore.

But I also get to hear about the successes. The landmark submissions or the mastery of a new skill. I hear the awe – and fear – in the voices of the mutual friends that meet him on the mat. And even when I’m missing him as he attends another class, I’m happy to be with a man who sets and stays with his goals.

And isn’t that where the magic happens in relationships? When each person is given the freedom to explore their own passions and yet the frustrations and celebrations occur in the shared space.

 

 

 

 

Love Testing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Love testing.

It’s one of the reasons that teenagers are difficult to deal with. Before they take the leap out into the adult world, they want the security that comes from knowing that you love them unconditionally. Your words and prior actions are often not sufficient for these temperamental creatures. They want reassurances. They want proof.

Operating below the level of full consciousness, they engage in behaviors and make decisions that they know you disapprove of. They often fail to hide these choices and they may even flaunt them. Of course, some of this is fueled by the teenager’s desire for exploration and their lack of a developed prefrontal cortex.

But that’s not the only motivator.

These undesirable actions are often driven by the teenager’s search for the answer to this question –

“Will you still love even if …”

 

And teenagers aren’t the only ones that engage in love testing. Adults, especially those that have been betrayed or abandoned, can utilize this strategy as well in romantic partnerships. Like the teenagers, these adults are seeking reassurances that the past will not repeated. They are testing the strength of the commitment by weighing it down with  ever-increasing challenges. They want security. Promises. Certainty.

And so they test. Maybe treating their partner with disrespect. Or flirting openly with another person. Or letting the weight begin to comfortably settle around the waist. Or continually breaking up only to pick back up again. Or spending just a little more than was agreed upon. Boundaries are nudged and the reactions observed.

Will you still love if…

There are problems with this approach. Partners are not parents. Their love does have its limits. At some point, the weight tied to the commitment will be too much to bear and their acceptance will be be withdrawn. And that point will inevitably be reached because    no matter how many love tests they’ve passed, until you trust in yourself and your ability to handle whatever may comes, it will never be enough to assuage your insecurity. And regardless of how many transgressions the love survives, there is no such thing as certainty in love.

That’s not to say that love should be welcomed without confirmation. The tests will come naturally over time as life presents you with challenges and obstacles. Take this opportunity to observe how they respond – Do they shut down or shut you out? Do they find refuge in the guise of victimhood and point fingers? Or do they see you as a team and work cooperatively towards resolution or acceptance?

Once we’ve been hurt, we will do anything to avoid being hurt again. But love doesn’t work that way.

As I’ve written before, 

Love is all or none.

If you try to hold it at a distance, you end up pushing it away.

If you attempt to control it, you will inevitably strangle it.

If you build walls and hang back out of a fear of being hurt, you are avoiding the very intimacy that is the foundation of a relationship.

If you punish your new partner for the sins of the old, you are wrapping the new in the cloak of the past.

If you assume that this partner will also hurt you, you are more likely to be hurt again. After all, the dog that you expect to bite often does.

Love is always a risk. Whether you’ve been hurt before or not.

It’s just that those of us who have felt the anguish of an end know exactly what it is we are risking.

And you may decide that it’s not for you. That you’re happier alone and don’t want the risk or the compromises again.

That’s okay. Life is not one size fits all. Tailor your life to your specifications.

But if you do decide you want to let love in, you have to be ready to embrace it. Risks and all.

That ten-foot pole may make you feel safer, but all it’s really doing is keeping love at arm’s length.

Love is all or none.

 

Taking Responsibility: How to Tell When It’s Your Stuff to Own

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It can be challenging to determine when something falls on somebody else’s shoulders and when it it is ultimately your responsibility to bear. Here are four ways to tell if it’s your stuff to own –

 

1 – A pattern keeps repeating.

When I first started casually dating post-divorce, I had guys start to pull back after a few days. At first, I brushed it off, lamenting the poor manners and hook-up culture in today’s world. But it kept happening and I eventually admitted that I was the common denominator. With just a brief amount of reflection, I soon embarrassingly realized that they withdrew because I was acting like their wife. Oops. It wasn’t intentional on my part, but since I had been married so long and dated so little, I was an expert in the first arena and a novice in the second. Once I identified the issue, I quickly corrected it and the pattern came to an abrupt halt.

When we repeatedly find ourselves in the same situations or with the same sort of subpar relationships, we often point the finger, blaming anything and everything we can. Yet when the same pattern keeps happening to you, I’m afraid there is a reason and you’re likely the source of it.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Identify any patterns that have a tendency to occur in your life.

Look for the commonalities between the situations and identify how you contribute to the pattern.

Consider how you can alter the pattern. Can you change the antecedent, your behavior or your response?

Enlist the help of a professional, if needed.

 

 

2 – It’s an issue you have now because of something that somebody else did to you.

My ex-husband certainly did not set me up for success with future relationships. By leaving with a text message, he primed me for fearing abandonment going forward and by committing bigamy, he set me up for worrying about future betrayals. Blaming him is futile, as he didn’t seem fazed about the repercussions of his decisions and besides, he couldn’t alter the impact that it had on me. I could also try to shuttle this to my now-husband’s shoulders, dictating his actions because of my past experiences. But not only is that not fair to him, it also won’t undo the damage from my ex.

It’s tempting to state that we need people to treat us a certain way or to do (or not do) certain things because it easily triggers us. And yes, we can (and should) communicate these preferences to others. But ultimately, our responses (or overreactions) are our responsibility because we are the only people that we can control.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know yourself and your triggers.

Set yourself up for success by avoiding or limiting certain situations until you are able to handle them.

Communicate your preferences clearly yet without expectations.

Actively work to discharge the energy around your triggers.

Refrain from blaming people that come into your life after the event for what happened.

 

3 – It is not something that another person can fix for you.

I stress. Big time. My ex-husband learned how to soothe me when I got worked up when we were teenagers. I grew to depend upon his help to calm down when I would become overwhelmed. And then he left, and I was left stressing even more. When my now-husband came into the picture, I assumed that he would also take on the role of professional stress tamer. He refused, rightly pointing out that managing my stress was ultimately my job. I pouted, but I learned. And the techniques that I have in place now are far more effective than anything that my ex could do for me.

We often try to pass off our unwanted struggles on others. After all, it’s easier if we can outsource the things that we don’t want to get our hands dirty with. Life rarely works that way, however. We can – and should –  ask for help. But all others (including therapists) can do for us is offer guidance, support and encouragement. Ultimately, nothing changes until we do.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Know what you normally struggle with.

Ask for help when you can’t make progress or you are unsure where to begin.

Accept the limits of helping and be prepared to do the heavy lifting.

 

4 – You find yourself complaining about the issue repeatedly.

I used to have a really hard time going back to school at the end of the summer. I would feel the envy rise as I heard about the amazing vacations that other teachers took while I reflected on my time spent working or looking for somebody available to do something with. This happened more years in a row than I would like to admit. Finally, I realized that the other teacher’s trip weren’t likely to change and neither was my financial status. But I could still shift my summer focus from work to adventure-on-a-budget. And now, when I return, I hear others exclaim over my summer stories and pictures.

We all can fall into pattern of complaining. It’s easy and it can also feel productive since we are actually doing something (even if that something is only moving our mouths). There are two possibilities with the issue you’re complaining about. Either it’s out of your control and so you need to change your mindset or it’s something you can change and it’s time to get busy.

 

Here’s your stuff –

Be aware of the issues or situations that you frequently complain about.

Release any defensiveness around the issue; it’s only holding you back.

Identify if the issue is within your locus of control or not.

If you cannot change the situation, reframe how you view it.

If you do have some influence, come up with (and initiate) an action plan.

 

Related: What If it IS Your Circus and They ARE Your Monkeys?

Marriage and the Fear of Missing Out

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marriage fear scared

Do you have a fear of missing out on life if you commit to marriage? You’re not alone.

In some ways, I skipped my twenties.

Most teenagers were rapid cycling through partners, trying on and discarding potential pairings like jeans in a dressing room. I had been committed to my then-boyfriend since the age of sixteen.

While my classmates were spending weekends getting wasted at frat parties, I was spending the days running errands and maintaining a home with my then-fiance.

Others in my age group spent their earnings on clothing, concerts and travel. I carefully saved in order to purchase a house with my then-husband at the age of twenty-two.

I laughed about these contradictions at the time; I never regretted the decisions I made and I was happy in my life. When asked about my feelings about entering the next decade on my thirtieth birthday, I responded by saying that I didn’t anticipate anything different since I had been living as a thirty-something for the previous decade.

And then divorce happened. And with it, some regret for missing out on the “normal” experiences of the young. I was married when most of my friends were busy partying and then I was thirty-two and dumped soon after I attended those same friends’ weddings.

I reflected back on the boys or young men that I’d met and turned down. I thought about the alternate life I might have had if I had lived a more traditional college experience. I considered the freedoms that I had exchanged in the name of security  (a false trade as it turned out).

I like to compare myself in the period post-divorce to one of those spring-loaded snakes released from a canister. I exploded into the world, determined to recapture the life I had missed in my twenties.

Some of it was fun. I dated casually without concern for the future. I sometimes neglected sensible saving for fun-in-the-moment. I embraced the positives of losing everything and enjoyed the flexibility of having few responsibilities and fewer belongings. I said “yes” to most everything and tried to view challenges as adventures.

But it wasn’t all good.

Even though I went on dates every night, I returned to my cold and lonely bed at night without someone to hold me through my nightmares. I socialized nonstop, yet few really knew or understood me. The adventures were fun and I enjoyed playing around with my persona, but I often felt like I was playing a part instead of being true to myself.

What I thought I was missing turned out to be not all that. Just like being married, it had its own benefits and its own downsides.

FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is really nothing more than viewing the distant grass as greener than the lawn you’re standing on. The married envy the flexible and free life of the singletons while those that are single often yearn for the intimacy and stability of partnership.

I met my now-husband when I was still in the throes of manically attempting to live a decade in a few short months. And almost from the beginning, he felt different. I realized that this could be a long-term thing instead of simply another fun fling. I considered my options. A relationship was appealing, yet I still didn’t feel purged of my need to not act my age.

He handled it perfectly. A couple months in, he told me that he was committed and also said that he knew that I wasn’t ready to yet. He gave me the time and space to figure out which side of the grass I wanted to be on. A few weeks later, I took the step.

At the time of the divorce, I thought that I had missed out on dating. On being young and stupid. On experiencing life with people other than my spouse.

What I realized was that my regrets really weren’t tied to my marital status. I wasn’t afraid of missing out on kissing some random guy or the mobility assisted by a single status. What I was really afraid of was living too small. Of allowing fear to limit my choices and denying myself the ability to question. I was afraid of marriage being an end rather than an addition.

I’ve kept some of what I started during my months of Match Madness (dubbed because of my activity on the dating website). I’m still more likely to say “yes,” I try to maximize my adventures and I’m not as afraid of being irresponsible or breaking the rules. I took some of that green grass from the other side and replanted it where I stand.

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Married…and definitely not missing out 🙂

 

Why Self Awareness is Critical for a Healthy Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When asked to enumerate the critical components of a healthy relationship, most people appropriately include “communication” on their list. Communication certainly is critical to a healthy marriage; partnerships that depend upon mind-reading or are characterized by either raised or silenced voices rarely allow for intimacy and mutual support to develop.

Yet something is often missing from the discussion about communication – no matter how skilled a person is at delivering information in a clear and kind manner, they cannot convey what they do not know.

And so when it comes to relationships, self awareness is a vital precursor to communication. Before you can help somebody else understand you, you have to first know yourself.

 

What is Self Awareness?

Self awareness is an ability to observe and reflect upon ones feelings and responses. Anybody can feel an emotion; a self-aware person can name or describe the emotion. When somebody is self-aware, they are able to take a step back and describe themselves from a more objective viewpoint.

As with most things, self awareness exists on a continuum. Rather than being entirely present or entirely absent, it’s something that we all have to some extent. It begins when the infant first recognizes themselves in the mirror and continues when they learn to identify their agitation as “mad” or “sad.” Some people never advance much beyond those simplistic labels while others become quite adept at being able to describe their inner landscape and motivations. And for all us, self awareness tends to be easier in some areas than others.

Self awareness takes courage; you have to be willing and able to see the negative traits in addition to the positive ones. It requires curiosity, a willingness to ask questions and explore your reactions and assumptions. There is a certain humility that often accompanies self awareness because the imperfect nature of humanity is on full display whenever you look inward.

Awareness is separate from the ability to control an emotional response or make healthy decisions, but it is the first step. A self-aware person may not always act in their best interests, but with some effort, they will likely be able to identify the underlying cause of their behaviors. For example, two people may respond to a break up by drinking too much. The self-aware person will be able to identify that their fear and isolation from the break up is prompting them to look for an escape whereas the person who lacks this insight will fail to understand the reason for their imbibing.

Knowing yourself is never a perfect science. We all change (often below the conscious level) and we are all subject to the myriad fallacies of the human brain. We may reach conclusions that are not valid or neglect to face more undesirable characteristics. Self awareness is not about perfection. It’s not a goal to be reached and forgotten. It’s the consistent attention of a curious and questioning eye turned inwards.

 

Why Do Some People Lack Self Awareness?

One of the more common reasons that people may lack self awareness is from exposure to a traumatic experience. Trauma teaches people that their body, their self, is not a safe place to be. So after trauma, people often try to distance themselves from themselves. Looking too closely means having to face some painful and difficult truths, so instead they turn away. A knowledgeable therapist can be invaluable here in helping to reunite the person with themselves.

Others may have never been provided the instruction in developing a language to describe the inner working of their mind. And language is powerful. Without the words to describe what you’re feeling, there is a limited capacity to fully explore it, much less express it to others. The good news is that this language can be mastered no matter your age.

Some personality disorders also impact an ability to develop self awareness. Consider the classic narcissist whose inflated outer ego is a shield for a wounded and delicate inner self. They rarely seek therapeutic assistance because they cannot bear to see – or admit – the underlying pathology.

 

Why is Self Awareness Important in Relationships?

We all want to be seen and accepted for who we are. But first, it’s critical that we fully understand – and can communicate – who we are. A self-aware person has the tools to choose an appropriate partner, has the ability to reflect upon their own strengths and weaknesses and has the capacity to explore their role in the relationship dynamics.

Self awareness is key in boundary setting. Without an understanding of your own needs, it’s all-too-easy to subjugate them to others. You can’t stand up for yourself if you don’t know yourself.

You can equate a relationship to a dance between two people, an interplay of moves that requires a certain amount of cooperation and anticipation. Self awareness in a relationship is the equivalent of a dance partner knowing where their own body is in space; without this information, it is impossible for the couple to move in synch.