How to Fall Out of Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b
love divorce fall out

Sometimes I wish everything was as direct and straightforward as teaching algebra. Where every concept begins with a clear definition, which can then be followed by a specific series of steps that, when followed correctly, will always lead to the desired solution.

But life is not as direct and straightforward as algebra.

Especially when it comes to love.

Poets, philosophers, clergymen, psychologists and even scientists have wrangled with its definition for millennia, yet no consensus has been reached. Most of us have experienced being in love, yet all struggle to assign words to the experience.

Even with the nebulous nature of love, I think we all agree that it feels overwhelming amazing while it’s growing, comforting and supportive once established

and unbelievably agonizing and distressing when it ends.

This is especially acute when the ending is unwanted. And the rejection absolute and sudden.

When you still love the one that no longer loves you.

—–

We speak of the beginning of love as falling, as though we have no control once we’re within the field of the gravitational force of attraction. The coming together seen as inevitable.

Which means falling out of love is working against that gravitational pull. A slow and deliberate climb away from the influence of the attraction.

And much like gravity, its effect lessens as you move further away. But those first few steps are tortuous.

Even though love cannot be defined, it can be broken down into some of its constituent parts. And even though love has no formula, there are ways to address each step along the road out of love.

—–

When you’re in love, you have companionship. Your “Netflix and chill” partner lives in the same home. You know how you’ll spend your evenings and you know who will sit across the dinner table from you. You probably spend less time with others than before you married as your spouse naturally becomes your primary social contact.

To fall out of love, fill the voids in your life. I liken the feeling of being alone post-divorce to sitting in a cold and empty bathtub after a bathing companion has left. When the cold porcelain is chilling your bones, you turn back on the water. When you face the void at the end of a marriage, seek to fill the voids in your life. Was Thursday night pizza night in your home? Sign up for a class to keep you occupied on that night. Buy more pillows to occupy the now-empty space in your bed. Instead of staying at home, replace date night with  “reconnect with friends” night. Wherever there is a void, find something to put in its place.

When you’re in love, you have a sense of being known and accepted. One of most driving needs of all of us is a desire to be seen, understood and loved as we are. And that’s one of the most magical parts of love – we can be our imperfect, messy selves and still feel as though we are honored and respected. Our partner is the one who knows our greatest fears and our biggest dreams. They can anticipate our needs and know just how to cultivate a smile.

To fall out of love, focus on getting to know yourself again. It’s easy to fall into the trap of expecting that your spouse will make you happy. As a result, you may have lost touch with yourself – your needs, your desires and perhaps most importantly, how to take care of yourself. Court yourself. Get to know yourself. Fall in love with yourself.

When you’re in love, you have somebody you can count on. There’s a comfort in having a name and number to enter in your “emergency contacts.” It’s nice to know that somebody can pick up the Advil when you’re sick and the slack when you’re busy. Your spouse easily becomes your primary support structure. Always there with your back.

To fall out of love, build and nurture a larger support system. It’s easy to take your spouse’s support for granted. It’s dangerous to place too much weight on any one person; things can happen (not just divorce). Build your community. It’s scary to reach out and ask for help, yet people often are waiting to help once you tell them what you need. It’s okay to take more support than you give right now. Just don’t forget to pay that kindness back once you’re able.

When you’re in love, you have biochemistry on your side. Love is a drug. What we call “falling” could also be described as “tripping,” as our brains are awash in hormones that cause positive feelings, bonding and relaxation. The body wants you to create a stable relationship for long enough to have and at least partially raise children. And biology is a powerful force indeed.

To fall out of love, view your residual unwanted feelings as signs of withdrawal. If love is a drug, divorce is going cold turkey. Be patient with your cravings. They are to be expected. Accept that it’s going to be hard, especially at first, and that you will have relapses. And seek help if you need it. There is no shame is asking for assistance.

When you’re in love, you have a shared history. A private language of relieved moments and memories. There are the inside jokes, the special places and the family rituals. There are the shared family stories about the first time you met or the birth of the first child.

To fall out of love, reconnect with people from your past and/or layer memories in your present. It’s a lonely feeling when you lose the only person that speaks that private language. But there may be others that also know you well. This is a great time to reach out to those long-lost childhood friends. Laugh over shared early memories. The more pictures unearthed, the better. You can also work to create a new shared history through intentionally layering new memories over the old. It’s a way of reclaiming those memories instead of allowing them to limit you.

When you’re in love, you have a teammate. Someone on your side. Someone to work with. A coparent. A coworker. A copilot. You fight life’s battles together. And you celebrate life’s victories together.

To fall out of love, celebrate your new freedoms. Having a teammate is a bit like approaching life as though you’re running a three-legged race. You are working together, yet you are also somewhat limited by your partner. When you’re on your own, you have to learn to be stronger yet you are also more nimble. Explore those freedoms. You’re in the driver’s seat.

When you’re in love, you have sexual energy and release. You have a horizontal dance partner that has learned your moves and hopefully mastered theirs. You don’t need to woo your lover or spend energy wondering if you’ll find a lover.

To fall out of love, channel that energy elsewhere. Sex has two components – the physical release and the mental release that comes from a switch from a more analytical brain to a more animalistic and intuitive one. Address both.

When you’re in love, you have shared dreams and goals. You work together to overcome obstacles and build a shared life. The shared goals become a life organizer. A reason for every action and decision.

To fall out of love, create purpose. Volunteer. Sign up for something with a finish line. Pour yourself into your job. Or parenting. Make you matter.

When you’re in love, you have attachment. You and your partner grow together. And you bond. You feel affection. You become accustomed. Your spouse becomes almost a part of you.

To fall out of love, depersonalize rejection. Just because it happened to you does not mean it happened because of you. Such a simple statement, yet one of the most difficult to accept when you’ve been rejected. The truth is that the rejection says more about your former partner then it does about you. Learn to separate yourself from what happened to you.

When you’re in love, you have idealization. You place your partner on a pedestal, highlighting the good while whitewashing the bad. And those rose-colored glasses help to preserve love as you see the best of your partner and they see the best in you.

To fall out of love, focus on the negative. Tear out the pedestal and shine a light on your ex partner’s flaws. Remind yourself of all that you don’t like in them. Take it to the extreme if you need to right now. Once you’ve fallen out of love, you can strive for more balance again.

When you’re in love, you have security. You know who is waiting for you at home. You know that you can cry or scream and that person will still be there.

To fall out of love, embrace the power of vulnerability. It takes great courage to be vulnerable. It’s scary. Especially if you fear rejection. Yet there is a beauty, a realness and a rawness, that only exists when people are willing bare all. Explore it.

When you’re in love, you have anticipation. You look forward to your partner’s embrace. You miss them when they’re gone and count the moments until they return again. Time before the time together passes slowly in delicious agony.

To fall out of love, schedule smiles. Take out your calendar and pencil in activities and events to look forward to. Bonus points if you invite someone to share in the smile with you:)

When you’re in love, you have a spiritual partner. Perhaps you share a spiritual practice and a common view of your place and purpose in the world. Maybe your marriage and family is your center and gives you a sense of meaning.

To fall out of love, recommit to your your spiritual journey. If you belong to a church, this may be the time to dedicate more energy. If you don’t have a church, this may be a time to find one. If you’re a spiritual do-it-your-selfer, commit to what speaks to your soul. Spirituality is a wonderful reminder that we are not alone and that our problems are smaller than we often believe. It’s a gift of perspective.

When you’re in love, you have trust. You depend upon your partner. Rely on them. Have faith that they have your best interests at heart and they will always be there for you.

To fall out of love, build self-confidence. It’s good to trust others. And it’s even better to trust yourself. Believe that you can do this. Have faith that you can be happy again. Trust that you can fall out of one love and into another.

Dating After Divorce: What About the Kids?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
dating after divorce

Dating after divorce?

I’ve known my entire adult life that I didn’t want kids. My first husband was in agreement and volunteered to get a vasectomy at 22, soon after we were married (try finding a doc willing to do that procedure!). All was good on the childless front.

And then I ended up single and back on the dating scene at 32. An age where my body (as far as I know) could still have babies and many age-appropriate men either already had them or would soon want them.

I was in the position to revisit my former decision never to have kids. And I realized that my position was not based on my former husband. Not only did I not want to have them, I didn’t want to be in a mother role of any kind.

I further made the very deliberate decision to never date anybody with kids. And I was very up front (even on my Match profile) that I never wanted kids. In fact, kid issue was one of the only deal breakers for a first date.

Some men tried to convince me that it was okay because they never saw their kid(s). That only made it worse (trading dad for deadbeat dad…).

One man assumed that I only wanted to avoid pregnancy for appearance reasons and concluded that I wanted to adopt. That was just absurd (stretchmarks don’t bother me, it’s the living, breathing endless responsibility I don’t want).

I encountered some great men (and seemingly great dads) that were kid- and family-oriented.

And I still said no.

Partly for me.

But mainly for them. Because I knew that I wasn’t what they were looking for and I didn’t want to waste their time (or risk their kid’s hearts).

And now happily married to a man that also didn’t want kids (reaffirmed after a stay with a 2-and 4-year-old over the holiday!), I’m very glad I made that choice to be vocal and committed to my personal choices.

But not everybody agrees.

—–

A woman wrote in to Dear Prudence recently who was in a 4-month relationship with an older man who had a 5-year-old son. The woman expressed her concern about being ready to date somebody with a kid. The response was to not worry about the kid yet and just be in the moment.

If the writer wanted kids in the near future or was even open to the idea of a kid, I would agree.

But she seemed unprepared for that step.

Fine for her.

Hard for the guy.

And potentially devastating for the kid.

I’ve watched friends stay in dating relationships too long for the sake of the partner’s kids.

I’ve witnessed the struggle when a non-parent and doesn’t-want-to-be-a-parent partner has to learn to accept their 2nd place position to the kids.

And I’ve seen kids, jettisoned once by their parent’s divorce, try to come to terms with abandonment by a parent’s partner.

Parenthood, either by biology or association, is a huge commitment. One that I believe should be taken deliberately and with the utmost care and consideration.

But of course, that’s coming from someone who has made the choice to avoid it.

So, I’m curious about your thoughts. If you have kids, would you consider dating someone who was ambivalent about children? If you don’t have them and you’ve decided you’re not ready to be a parent, would you be open to dating somebody with kids?

Facing Divorce? Here’s What You NEED to Know

Posted on by stilllearning2b
need to know

Is divorce in your future? Here’s what you need to know!

  1. Your brain won’t work right for a while. You’ll fear that the affected thinking is permanent. It’s not. But invest in notepads in the meantime because you’ll need to write everything down. Your brain is sluggish because it is recovering from a TLI – Traumatic Life Injury. It will get better.
  2. When you see seemingly happy families or couples, you’ll experience jealousy like you’ve never imagined, your brain throwing toddler-like temper tantrums of, “It’s not fair.” Sometimes it’s easiest to give them a little distance until your envy fades. And in the meantime, watch or read about people that have it worse than you.IMG_4619
  3. Your body will change. You may gain or lose weight, depending upon your personal dietary response to stress. Wrinkles and gray hairs may suddenly appear or increase in number. You will catch every cold and digestion will be impaired. Protect your sleep, eat your veggies and buy a new belt.
  4. At some point, you will have a sexual dream or fantasy about your ex. And you will go from feeling both titillated and comfortable to being repulsed and unsure. You will wonder how you ever found him or her attractive. Take a lesson from preteens and develop safe crushes and fantasies on famous people. It helps to reassure you that you’re not dead while protecting you from fantasizing about your ex or encouraging you to get between the sheets with another before you’re ready. And the first time you do engage with a new partner? You’ll feel like you’re cheating. IMG_4610
  5. You will be memory slammed. And it will happen just when you feel as though you’ve made progress and when your mind is other places. And it will feel as though you’ve caught a bowling ball launched by Babe Ruth with your gut. Keep breathing. It will fade.
  6. The court process will be worse than you ever imagined. But at the same time, it will be much less important than you believe. You will give the paperwork and the process too much power over you. And you will only realize that misappropriation of significance after it’s over.IMG_4646
  7. Your brain will become your worst enemy, offering up, “What ifs” and rudely bringing up painful memories just as you’re trying to get your sh*t together. You don’t have to indulge its every whim. Try exhausting it or distracting it, much like you would with an unruly toddler.
  8. You will experience a false dawn, a period where you feel excited and “over it.” And you will be angry when others caution you that it’s too soon. As much as you want them to be wrong, you will soon learn that they are right, when you come crashing down again. Even though this respite is brief, let it fill you with hope.IMG_4623
  9. Over time, you will start to see the person you were before the divorce as a separate entity. A different person. A foreign person. You will speak of your life in two chapters – before and after. And as you move further into your new chapter, the pain of the old begins to fade.
  10. As the immediate emotions of fear and anger and despair begin to soften, frustration will move in. You will feel stuck and wonder why you can’t just be done with it already. You will feel embarrassed that you’re still struggling, believing that you should be done by now. Sometimes this is harder than the initial pain because your rational brain is being held hostage and is fighting against the restraints. Escape takes time. Stay with it.IMG_4616

  11. You will be okay. I promise:)IMG_4652

Should I Wait Until After the Holidays to Ask For a Divorce?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
holidays divorce

Sometimes the decision to divorce coincides with the arrival of the holiday season. In some cases, the decision has been made and the separating couple has to decide if they are going to keep the news a secret from friends and family until after the New Year.

And other times, the decision has only been made by one spouse and they face the difficult decision of telling their partner immediately or waiting until the holidays are past. It makes the process of asking for a divorce even that much more complex and painful when it happens to correspond with a season that is all about family and tradition.

So what is the right call? Do you tell your spouse before the holidays? Or do you keep your mouth shut and play the part until the season passes?

As you may suspect, there is no “right” answer, no one way to act. In fact, each option has its own pros and cons.

Telling Your Spouse You Want a Divorce

Before the Holidays

Pros

Possibility of Increased Support

In today’s world, families are often spread across the country. Your partner’s parents, siblings and even friends may live in different cities. The holidays are a time of gathering. And even if there is nothing planned, this is a time when people tend to be available and may be able to rally to support a person reeling from the realization that their marriage is over.

Natural Break From Work Demands

You have been processing this decision for a time, whereas it may come as a surprise to your spouse. The holidays often offer a break from work for a few days. Days that can be coming to terms with the new reality while they do not have to sit in a cubicle while wearing sunglasses to hide teary eyes.

No Pretending

If you have the discussion sooner rather than later, you are spared from the performance of “Everything’s Fine,” a challenging role to assume at any time and even more so when the entire world seems to be celebrating.

Cons

Impacts Any Family Traditions

The consequences of the announcement will be felt immediately and the aftershocks will spread. Any family gatherings will be altered, not only for you, your spouse and your children, but also for others in attendance. The holiday will become less about any celebrations and traditions and more about dealing with the immediate fallout of the end of the marriage. Obviously, this impact is most important to consider if you have children.

Changes the Meaning of the Holidays, Possibly Forever

Christmas, etc. will forever after be known as the “Season When My Husband/Wife Asked For a Divorce” (or, “When Mommy or Daddy Left”). That is a link that once made, cannot easily be undone.

Professional Support May Not Be Available

While family and friends may be more available, professional support – counselors, doctors and even attorneys – may not be on call. And there are some services that are best left to the professionals.

 

Waiting to Tell Your Spouse You Want a Divorce Until After the Holidays

Pros

Maintains Family Traditions

The get-togethers and rituals are preserved for one more year, giving time for those impacted to adjust and prepare before the holidays circle around again. Comfort and restoration can be found in those traditions.

Calmer After the Holiday

The crazy, over-scheduled weeks leading up to the holidays often settle down dramatically once January arrives. And this can be important since divorce brings with it its own crazy demands on time, money and attention.

Potential of Lessened Guilt and Anger

By waiting to deliver the news, you may reduce the guilt you feel about announcing the end of your marriage and you may mitigate the anger that your spouse feels. This can make the following months more amicable.

Cons

Have to Fake It

If you keep the news a secret, you have to be willing and able to fake your marriage for a few weeks or months. This isn’t easy and, if your spouse sees through your act, can result in an ugly confrontation.

Spouse/Kids May See the Holiday as a Lie

When you announce divorce in January, it’s pretty clear to everybody that you were simply biding your time (after all, there’s a reason that it’s nicknamed Divorce Season). That realization can make your spouse and kids feel as though the previous holiday was a farce and they may wonder what else you deceived them about.

Waiting is Difficult if You Feel Compelled to Act

If you have been contemplating divorce for awhile and you’ve now reached a decision, you may feel driven to act upon your choice. You might find it difficult to stay patient and refrain from making forward progress on your decision while you wait for the calendar to cooperate.

 —–

The truth of the matter is that there is no perfect time to broach the topic of divorce. There will always be a birthday, an anniversary, a graduation or a major holiday just around the corner. Worry less about what is coming and focus more on the specifics of the conversation :

1 – DO be clear in your intent and your timeline.

2 – DO allow your spouse time to process and space to respond without being defensive.

3 – DO deliver the news with a counselor’s support, if needed.

4 – DO be kind. There is nothing to be gained by seasoning the news with insults and injury.

How to Have the Difficult Conversations

5 – DON’T allow the news to be a complete and total surprise; your spouse should know the relationship is in trouble first.

6 – DON’T deliver the news in a public location without any chance of privacy.

7 – DON’T expect a positive reaction. They will need time to adjust to the idea. Allow that time.

8 – DON’T proclaim divorce in anger. It’s not a barb to throw during a fight; it’s a deliberate and important major life decision.

The Best Ways to End a Relationship, According to Science

 

Three Pieces of Divorce Advice I’m Sick of Hearing

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So I am fully aware that this rant is somewhat hypocritical. After all, I frequently dispense divorce advice that may or may not apply to a particular situation.

But I’m aggravated. Annoyed. Tired of receiving, either in the form of an article or sometimes personally-directed, these three pieces of divorce advice that make absolutely, positively, no sense at all in the context of my experience.

And yet, even with my indignation, I have to admit there is some truth to this advice and it has modified my decisions in my second marriage. After all, what good are the hard times if we refuse to learn from them? 🙂

—–

“Before you file for divorce, gather the important paperwork and make your financial preparations.”

By the time the possibility of divorce had even flitted across my brain, my husband had disappeared and with him, all of the files that contained important financial information. Not only that, but he had changed the login information for online account access. Instead of having the option to prepare ahead of time, I was left piecing together a puzzle by following whatever financial breadcrumbs I could find. Do you have any idea how humiliating it was to have to contact the IRS for past returns with the explanation that my husband stole the originals?

Preparing your affairs ahead of time only works if you know (or suspect) that a divorce is heading your way. Now some may believe that you should always be ready for divorce because there is no way to know for certain that it is not around the next bend.

I refuse to live that way.

To be overly prepared for the worst and waiting for it to happen. Not only would it make me miserable in the moment, but it would lower the barrier for the worst to occur.

But that’s not to say I haven’t learned from the financial disaster I was left with. Because even though a dishonest con-man of a husband created the nightmare, my actions made his deceptions that much easier.

I now have my own accounts that my husband does not have access to. In the worst scenario, this means I would have access to my own money immediately and that it would be difficult, if not impossible, for it to be rerouted without my knowledge. I have the Credit Karma app on my phone and I check my status weekly. This protects from identity theft and fraud. From both outside and inside the marriage. I’ve made sure that the bills I’m responsible for are achievable on my salary alone, so that I could survive alone if I had to.

It’s a balance – I don’t have a “Divorce Preparation” folder stuffed and ready to go (even the thought makes me ill), but I also would not be as in the dark about my affairs if it came to pass.

“Mediation is the answer for a smoother, faster and less expensive process.”

I know. I hear it time and time again and, after seeing the inefficient and corrupt nightmare of the family court system, I think even trial by Knock Em, Sock Em robots would be preferable.

And, in fact, the judge ordered mediation in my case a couple months into the process. As part of the mediation, we were each given 30 days to produce some documentation.

I followed through.

He never did.

And that delay, along with the fees associated with the paperwork and communication, ending up costing me an additional $10,000, give or take a few drops. And this was preventable if only the judge had reviewed the evidence that clearly showed that my husband would not play by any rules, even those enforceable by law.

Yet even though mediation was never an option in my case, I still regret this one thing I did. If I had to do it all over again, I would certainly not make that mistake again.

And I also kept this idea in mind when dating after the divorce. Part of the reason that mediation was never an option is that my ex did not posses the courage and character to address a situation head-on. He would rather lie and conceal than discuss and argue. I made sure that my second husband wasn’t afraid to face difficult truths.

“Divorce takes two.”

No. No. No. No.

Marriage takes two.

Divorce only requires one.

Well, I guess technically, I could have refrained from filing for divorce. Of course, then he would still be on my health insurance, he would still be a beneficiary of my life insurance and pension and I would still be legally liable for some of his shenanigans.

Umm…thanks for the offer, but hell, no!

I strongly believe that before a marriage ends in divorce, the marriage should be fought for.

But I also know that sometimes a person isn’t given the choice to fight.

And then, all you can do is cut your losses and walk away so that you can begin again.

I have learned from being blindsided. I now put more effort and attention into my marriage every day. It’s almost like I’m fighting for it even though it’s not in danger. After all, you don’t have to wait until a plant is wilted and browning to water it. Why wait to nurture your marriage?

—–

And I actually have one more gripe while I’m at it. This one isn’t really advice. It’s more a sweeping generalization turned platitude that exists in two opposite forms:

“Divorce is always terrible.”  or its rival, “Divorce is always wonderful.”

The truth is that divorce can be both terrible and wonderful.

It tears families apart and impacts kids for years down the road. It causes pain like no other and plants seeds of self-doubt that will form forests of negatively if left un-weeded. It funnels money from those who need it to the pockets of lawyers. The loss increases the risk of death for years to come. Yes, divorce sucks.

And divorce can also be the freedom from a terrible or abusive marriage. It often activates great personal growth and optimization. It provides clarity about what is important and allows opportunities to apply those lessons in building a new life. Divorce can teach our children about the importance of self-reliance and self-respect. Yes, divorce can be positive.

As one who has been there and is now in a better place, I am neither pro-divorce or anti-divorce. That decision is personal and can only be made from those within the marriage.

Should You Divorce? 12 Questions to Consider

But I do know that divorce is not black and white. What starts out as the worst of times can lead to the best of times. And I also know that I never want to go through that again and so I also value marriage more than ever before.

And I also know that the majority of those dispensing divorce advice merely want the best for others. And I can’t get too irritated about that. 🙂