Holiday Survival Tips for the Divorced and Separated

Posted on by stilllearning2b

There is no season more polarizing than the weeks between Thanksgiving and New Years. For some, it is eagerly anticipated as they welcome the time with family and tradition. For others, it is a season filled with dread, as it has an uncanny ability to highlight what we do not have. For those in transition from one life to another, from partnered to single, from big family to small, it can be a tricky season to navigate but a little effort and reframing can go a long way. The following are some tips for the divorced and separated that can can help you reclaim your holiday rather than hiding from it.

 

Let Go of the Way it Was

It will not be the way it was before. Don’t even try to make it stay the same. It is an exercise in futility. But here is the most important part – just because it is different does not mean it cannot be just as good. Or even better.

We resist change. It’s normal. We prefer things to stay the same rather than to venture into the unknown. Change is scary but it also means that the rules have been lifted.

If you have kids, this is a good conversation to have with them. Let them know that the season will not be the same. Remind them of other changes in their lives that were scary and unfamiliar at first but that turned out to be good – the birth of a sibling, the change of a grade, the move into a new home. You are their model for how to handle change. Wear it well.

 

Put Yourself on a Media Diet

Sometimes I think that the Christmas ads and movies have to be sponsored by the drug companies that make antidepressants. There is nothing so disheartening as to constantly compare your life with the saccharine-sweet images of perfection that bombard us ever winter.

It’s impossible to avoid them all but you can limit your exposure. Put down the Pintrest. Walk away from Facebook. Record your TV shows and avoid the commercials. I would not, however, recommend wearing a blindfold at Target. You might accidentally purchase a reindeer sweater.

Consciously choose to read and watch and listen to things that build you up. That remind you of what is really important. That make you feel good about your life.

 

Give it Away

There is no better way to shut down a pity party than to give to others. If you are unanchored during the holidays, it is a perfect opportunity to volunteer. You can find opportunities at your local churches, through a Meetup group or through a local charity. Inquire at a nearby hospital or senior center. There is always a need for volunteers during the holidays. If you don’t like the idea of being around people, volunteer to help out at an animal shelter. Make or wrap gifts to send to children or troops. You can touch others lives even if you never leave the house and that connection will help to make the holiday better for both of you.

 

Create New Traditions

Try to see this as an inspiring time to create new traditions. The sky is your limit. Who says that Thanksgiving has to mean a formal turkey dinner? Where is it written that Christmas must occur around a tree? After my parents split, my mom decided that Thanksgiving was meant to be carried out in a campground, a tradition that Brock and I uphold today. I know of other families or individuals that take trips. Some redecorate. By starting a new tradition, you are staking claim on the holiday, controlling it rather than letting it dictate how you will feel.

I May Not be Traditional

 

Reschedule the Holiday

For those of you in the difficult position of not having custody of your kids on the holidays (whether every year or every other), this can be a powerful tool for you if you know how to use it. Use the calendar to your advantage. We often receive more happiness from the anticipation of an event rather than the event itself. If you do not have your kids on Christmas, reschedule your holiday (and remember, you can make it whatever you want) for a few days or weeks later. This gives you something to look forward to when your ex has the kids and capitalizes on the inevitable letdown that kids have after the frenzy of the holiday.

 

Redefine Family

I have had the wonderful experience of being “adopted” into various homes over the years to celebrate the holidays. The invitations were usually offered after the usual “What are your plans for Christmas” exchanges. I am so thankful for the families that included me over the years. Yes, sometimes I felt like the odd one out, but mostly I just felt loved and supported. There are most likely families in your life that would happy to extend an invitation to you. Just be open and willing.

Brock and I now are able to be the home for other Christmas “orphans.” If you are in a position where you can have people over, look around you for others that may not have a place to go. Ask them. And remember, you can create your own traditions. In our home, we tend towards Mexican lasagna and martial arts videos. Not quite traditional, but quickly becoming tradition:)

Ghosts of Christmas Past

 

Spontaneity and Silliness Are Your Allies

This is a great time to practice saying yes. Yes to new opportunities. Yes to smiles. Yes to chances. Don’t take it or yourself too seriously. Get out of your head and just be. I recommend doing something you suck at to encourage the giggles. For me that’s not too hard. Ice skating or anything requiring a downhill usually does the trick. It’s hard to be morose when you’re constantly falling on your butt.

I’ve Fallen, But I Can Get Up!

 

Embrace the Solitude

All of that being said, there is no way around the basic truth. Those first few holidays without your partner can be horribly lonely. Isolating. It’s a bitter reminder of what you had and what no longer exists.

Face the loneliness and then, go one further, and embrace the solitude.

Some of my most powerful and spiritual experiences have been in those moments. Those solo hikes through empty woods. Those isolated drives insulated from the rest of the world. Those moments in a crowd where I seemed to be the only one without a mate.

Feel the power within yourself. Recognize that you can chose how you want to feel and you can create a holiday season that is meaningful for you.

Even if it includes awful reindeer sweaters.

 

The Most Important Lessons From My Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Often the lessons we need most are the ones we are most resistant to. I never wanted to be divorced. In fact, losing my husband, through any means, was my greatest fear in life. So, when I found myself suddenly facing divorce at the age of 32 after being betrayed by my best friend and partner of 16 years, I was lost.

The best lessons can often be found when we are facing unanticipated change and loss. It is a window where we are lost and searching, broken and vulnerable, wanting and open. It is a time when the ego has been forcefully stripped away and we are able to face those challenging lessons that we may usually avoid. In those moments, we learn who we really are and what we are capable of.

The following are some of the lessons I learned on the heels of my divorce:

1) When Gratitude is Your Wrapping Paper, Everything is a Gift

You cannot always change your circumstances, but you can always change your attitude. I wasted time after the divorce being angry and playing victim. Slowly, ever so slowly, I began to soften and to look at the bigger picture. The divorce and its associated trauma happened; I could not alter that reality. I could, however, choose to change my reaction. I have begun to practice radical gratitude – being thankful for the man who deceived and abandoned me. I began by writing a list of ten reasons I am thankful for him and I continue to write a note of gratitude every time I make a payment on the debt he left behind. The situation hasn’t changed, but I now can view my divorce as a springboard for better things.

2) Happiness is Your Choice

I used to tell my husband, “You make me happy.” I meant those words as a compliment, an endearment. I wanted him to know how much he meant to me. When he left, I realized that if he truly made me happy, then he also took my potential well being out the door with him. I also began to see the unfair burden I placed on him by making him the keeper of my happiness. That was not fair to him or to me. I have learned to take responsibility for my own happiness. I can choose to be happy with or happy in spite of. Regardless, it is my responsibility.

3) The Past Doesn’t Stay Buried

My ex husband came from an alcoholic family. He denounced their dynamics and always said that his biggest fear was turning into his father. I took his word for it; I thought he was safe from their destructive patterns since he was aware of them and wanted to make different choices. I underestimated the power of the past. If there is one thing that alcoholic families excel at, it’s keeping secrets. Apparently those lessons of silence and secrets were too embedded for him to overcome. The skill set was just waiting in the wings until the right moment came along. When he began to struggle during our marriage (with money, alcohol, depression, employment…who knows?), his reflexes kicked in and he covered it up. The past is like a vampire – if you try to defeat it solely by burying it, it will come back to bite you.

4) “Knew” is Not the Same as “Know”

I met my husband when I was just 15. I knew his family. I knew everything from the name of his elementary school to his biggest fears and wishes in life. I thought I knew him. I could describe every little nuance of my husband with the utmost confidence. It was misplaced confidence. I didn’t realize that the man I knew was no longer the man in front of me. We are all fluid, changing with age and environment. Getting to know someone never ends.

5) Work Avoidance Goes Both Ways

I have always had a tendency to work. A lot. I always saw that as a positive trait, an asset. It was only more recently that I realized that my drive to work was often out of a fear of what I would see if I slowed down. The divorce acted like a highlighter in my life, illuminating areas that I used to avoid through work. I learned to slow down and to trust in my ability to face the present. I now breathe through discomfort rather than try to hide from it.

6) The Body Often Knows More Than the Mind

For the last couple years of my marriage, I seemed to catch every cold that came through the school where I worked. I had trouble sleeping, often waking in the middle of the night. I sensed a tension coursing through my body – a low level yet ever-present anxiety. Since there were no outward signs of discord in my marriage, I assumed the tension was due to a difficult time at work. I was shocked to realize, after I recovered from the initial trauma of the abandonment, that my body was more relaxed than it had been in years. I now listen to my body’s messages even when they seem unfounded.

7) Wellness is Not Measured in Hours at the Gym

I used to think I was well. I ate a healthy diet, exercised daily and even managed to do a little yoga once in a while. I used to think I was well, but I wasn’t. After the divorce, I had to rebuild my health and this time, I had a much more holistic and balanced approach. I became a math teacher after struggling with the material myself as a child. I was drawn to wellness coaching for a similar reason. It allows me to utilize my teaching skills along with what I have learned about wellness from a balanced standpoint after my own journey.

8) There is a Difference Between Trust and Complacency

My ex husband gained my trust over many years. He held his word and voiced his thoughts. I trusted him completely. I trusted him so much that I became complacent. I assumed the trust would remain and that he would continue to be honest and faithful. I assumed wrong. I have learned to trust again (through the help of my dog!) but I will never again become complacent. My eyes now remain wide open.

9) Life is Not a Waiting Room

I used to be an expert at delaying life. I would prioritize work and promise myself a break in some imagined future. I would squirrel away money, imaging it being saved for some mythical future. When the divorce washed away my life in one destructive wave, I realized that I was waiting rather than living. I still work hard and I’m still frugal natured, but I no longer put life off for the future.

10) Holding is Out of Love; Clinging is Out of Fear

I never would have described myself as clingy with my ex – I was independent (often too much so), not jealous, and was frequently apart from him for long periods while he traveled. It was only afterwards that I saw the tension inherent in clinging and the motivations behind it in a way that echoed familiar. With clinging, you are desperately attached to an outcome, grasping out of fear. Yeah, I get that one. I was clinging in a way and it was holding me still, static, unable to move. I now have healthy desires and passions which encourage investment in the now and the goal, but not in the outcomes that are out of my control. I realize that this describes my current relationship. I am so much more relaxed about the “outcome.” Facing my fears has had a way of diminishing them. I am no less committed to the current relationship, no less in love. But it feels different. I’m not grasping. I’m holding.

With some of these lessons, I am now doing master’s level work. With others, I am repeating the introductory course. Either way, it is okay. The point is not to make an “A,” rather the intention is to be open to new lessons and to persevere through even the most difficult tutorials. I just hope I don’t have to endure such a harsh teacher again!

 

Forgiving Yourself

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve done some dumb things. 

Some things I’m not proud of.

And some that I’m embarrassed about.

 

I’ve made bad decisions.

Followed by worse ones.

And held tightly to some bad assumptions.

 

I’ve inadvertently hurt those I’ve loved.

Made others feel badly.

And neglected to own up to my faults.

 

I could get mad at my former iterations; berate myself for my shortcomings and mistakes. Goodness knows, I did plenty of that when I learned that my ex husband had me completely fooled.

 

Or, I could see those earlier versions of myself as steps along the way, focusing on making minor adjustments based on previous experiences.

 

 

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We had dinner with an old friend the other night. He went through a bad breakup – after a bad relationship – several years ago. He still sees his ex periodically and he mentioned how much these encounters still impact him. Interestingly, the emotional reactions are not due to lingering feelings for her or residual sadness from the breakup.

The negative response is because she reminds him of who he was several years ago. And not only does our friend not like his old self, the fact that he was that person results in anger.

He has forgiven his ex.

He has yet to forgive himself.

 

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I loved my husband’s response to this proclamation, “Without blue belt Brock, there would be no black belt Brock. I sucked back then. I knew nothing and made stupid mistakes. But if I hadn’t been through that, I wouldn’t have been able to become a black belt.”

Wow. Truth right there.

 

We are all experiential learners.

 

No child walks with confidence the first time they stand. Adolescents endure plenty of awkward make-out sessions before they learn how to kiss. Pilots train on virtual planes so that their mistakes have little impact in the real world. Apple had to come out with some pretty clunky versions of computers before they could develop the sleeker machines they are now known for.

We learn by doing, making mistakes and trying again. And getting mad at ourselves for not getting it right the first time is as silly as yelling at a toddler for falling down on their initial attempt at walking.

That past version of you was a necessary step for this current version of you.

If we commit to punishing ourselves for what has happened in the past, we leave little energy for improvement. When we forgive ourselves for our past mistakes, we allow ourselves the opportunity to learn and improve.

 

Forgive yourself for what you have done. Don’t excuse yourself from doing better.

 

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Marriage is Not a Test

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Marriage is not a test.
I lived.
I loved.
I lost.
But I didn’t fail.

Society makes assumptions about those who are divorced. Maybe we lack the fortitude to persist through difficulties. Perhaps we possess some great fatal flaw that makes us unable to sustain matrimony. Or, possibility we are flighty, given to jump in without thought and give up just as easily.
There is often shame inherent in admitting that one is divorced, like some scarlet letter “D” is forever branded upon your character if your “ever after” ended sooner than expected. It’s as though you failed at one of the biggest assessments you face as an adult.

In the strictest sense, my marriage did fail. After all, it ceased to exist upon the receipt of the horrific text: “I’m sorry to be such a coward leaving you this way but I’m leaving you and leaving the state.” Furthermore, my husband failed me through his betrayal and abandonment. I failed him by not seeing that he needed help and I failed myself by not being aware of his actions and the signs of a crumbling marriage. Yet, even with all that defeat, I refuse to look at my marriage as a failure. That label undermines our years together with all its shared memories and joys; the shared life and experiences are negated with that single word. Although I did feel as though I failed in some ways, I was adamant that I was not going to let my divorce define me as a failure.

Failure is an act, not a person. I’m divorced. Not defective.

As I grappled with the end of my marriage, I found comfort in the words of others. Others who had faced their own challenges and were determined to learn from and grow from their mistakes and unrealized goals.
There’s always failure. And there’s always disappointment. And there’s always loss. But the secret is learning from the loss, and realizing that none of those holes are vacuums. Michael J. Fox

 

When the marriage died, I felt like I expired right along with it. As though my respirator had been yanked from my face and I was struggling to find the strength and will to breathe on my own. I felt unanchored and unable to escape from the pull of the dying marriage. Failures are not vacuums; we can summon the strength to move beyond them. The realization that I could choose to redefine my divorce was powerful; it gave me the motivation and momentum to continue.
I’ve come to believe that all my past failure and frustration were actually laying the foundation for the understandings that have created the new level of living I now enjoy. Tony Robbins

 

I am often asked if I would have married him if I could turn back the years. I would. Yes, the divorce and associated suffering have been the most painful experience of my life. Yet, I could not imagine my life without having endured that pain. Without that failure, I would not have the perspective that allows so much gratitude and acceptance in my life today. Acceptance that extends to forgiveness for my ex and myself for the conditions that led to the end of the marriage.
It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you have failed by default. J. K. Rowling

 

I used to be too fear adverse in my old life; I would engage it what I call “practicing the perfect,” which is a way to feed the ego at the expense of the soul. I would try things only if I believed that I had a good chance of success. Interestingly, the cataclysmic end of the marriage released me from that fear of failing. I learned that it’s rarely fatal and that security is only an illusion. You’ll never know what you can do unless you try.
A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying. B. F. Skinner

 

The tendency is to respond to failure in one of two ways — blame others or internalize the mistake. That’s the ego talking again. It’s helpful to realize that most people in most situations are doing the best they can. I used this to help soften towards my ex. I realized that he didn’t do these things to me; I was simply collateral damage in his decisions. I also let up on the self-flagellation for not recognizing any red flags.
Success is not a good teacher, failure makes you humble. Shahrukh Khan

 

Our egos are a bit like young meatheads in a gym. Flexing in the mirror, wanting to appear strong and capable amongst the others. This means that sometimes we will try to lift more than we can without asking for assistance. And, just like in the weight room, this can only lead to disaster. When we fail at something, we can either give up or ask for help. Allow yourself to be humble, ask for a spotter and you’ll not only gain the respect of those around you, but you will also be able to lift more than you ever thought possible.
I don’t believe in failure. It is not failure if you enjoyed the process. Oprah Winfrey

 

My biggest issue with labeling my marriage as a failure is that it focuses on the end and ignores the 16 years together. The 16 good years. Those still count. I still think back and smile. I may not love the man but I still love the memories. I think this thought is especially poignant for those with children from the union. It’s important for the kids not to think that you see the marriage that created them as a waste, a mistake. In some way and for some amount of time, it was successful.
Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Denis Waitley

 

Divorce is a powerful teacher if you listen to its lessons. Its methods may be harsh but its messages are life changing. A failed marriage does not make you a failure. The only true failure is failing to live and love, even if that means that sometimes you may lose.
Related:  What Makes a Marriage Successful (and Why Divorce Does Not Mean Failure)
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Five Damaging Divorce Stereotypes

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Those that have not personally experienced divorce have no shortage of judgements and opinions. These are some of the more common damaging divorce stereotypes that you may encounter –

 

The Spouse That Initiated the Divorce is a Quitter

At some point, you have to make a decision – do you continue to endure a miserable situation or do you extricate yourself from the situation?

The reality is that you only have dominion over yourself. And when you’re married to someone who refuses to admit that there are problems within the marriage, you have limited influence to change the environment. If you’re with an addict who routinely denies their disease, sometimes leaving is the only tenable option. And if your partner is abusive, getting out can become a matter of life or death.

Quitting is giving up when something becomes too difficult or uncomfortable. Sometimes, a decision to divorce has nothing to do with quitting and everything to do with acceptance and self-respect – accepting that you alone cannot alter the trajectory of your marriage and the self-respect to demand better.

 

The Woman Always Gets the Money

I almost shoved her off the bike. It was a mid-morning spin class that I was able to attend because of a school holiday. The other women in the class were apparently regulars and they immediately started questioning me as the newcomer to their group. When discovering that I was recently divorced, the woman next to me stated, “Isn’t it nice to have your husband’s money without having to deal with your husband?”

The previous afternoon I had just received another notification about an yet another unpaid debt left behind by my ex husband. Yet another debt that I would have to pay.

Sometimes, the woman does come out ahead financially. Yet often, she doesn’t, especially if she neglected a career in order to raise children. The reality is that divorce often has a lasting negative financial impact for both men and women. Additionally, the automatic application of spousal support for the woman is (thankfully) coming to an end. The family court system is still a money-making mess, but they are trying to do a better job of considering each case individually.

 

The Man Doesn’t Take Responsibility for His Children

Ever heard the one about the man babysitting his own offspring?

The assumption after divorce is often that the woman will have primary custody and the man will do anything he can to have limited responsibility for the kids. And yes, there are certainly deadbeat dads out there. And there are also amazing fathers who do everything they can to be there for their children even though they are no longer married to their mother.

There are also the heartbreaking cases where good fathers are kept from their children in an attempt to punish or control them. These men can be labeled as “deadbeats” when the reality is that they are in great pain and want nothing more than to be able to be present for their kids.

 

The Partner That Wanted a Divorce Isn’t Hurting

Just because something is the right call, doesn’t make it easy. The one who decided to leave may be grieving the end of the relationship. They may feel guilty for hurting their partner. If they’ve been pulling all of the emotional weight, they may be angry that their spouse didn’t put forth any effort.

No matter the circumstances, divorce is hard. It’s a major loss and a massive transition. The nature of the pain may differ when you are the one who wanted divorce, but it doesn’t mean the pain is absent.

 

The Spouse Who is Left Must Have Deserved It

One of the most painful aspects of deciding to go public with my story were the cruel assumptions that I faced about why my ex must have left. Strangers decided that I must be a terrible person and an even worse wife. After all, I must have done something to deserve that kind of treatment.

The reality is that both people are responsible for the marriage, but one person can decide how – or if – it will end. And oftentimes, that decision is influenced by their own internal struggle.

Furthermore, we rarely know the truth behind the public facade of any marriage. And without knowing the whole story, it’s impossible to reach any meaningful conclusions.

 

 

As with any stereotypes, these can have a kernel of truth to them. However, my conclusion is that many of these are anchored in fear – people don’t want to believe that divorce can happen to them, so they create a narrative around divorce that gives them the illusion of control.