How to Thrive Even When Life is One Day at a Time

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Sometimes, we have a five-year plan. Other times, we’re just wondering if we can survive the next hour. And we all need help when life is one day at a time.

In that will-I-make-it-through-the-day phase after divorce, I made a little checklist for myself. Actually, that’s not quite true because my brain was too all over the place to make a checklist. What I actually had was sort of a checklist in pieces, random thoughts jotted down on sticky notes and placed where I would see them.

These notes contained reminders of things that I needed to do each day. In the beginning, they were exceptionally simple:

  • feed the cat
  • feed yourself

But after a few zombie-like weeks, I started to broaden my horizons a little more. Even though I was still stumbling my way through the days and crying myself through the nights, I wanted more.

I wanted to thrive, not just survive.

More sticky note reminders were made and refined over time. By the time I started to find my groove, these are the prompts I was left with:

When life is one day at a time, every day…

Complete something that makes you feel accomplished.

This can be something as small as doing a load of laundry or even feeding the cat. Complete one task that leaves you feeling lie you got something done at the end of the day.

Engage in something that increases your heart rate.

Feeling like you have to exercise when you’re still struggling to get out of bed is a tall order. Instead, make the goal small enough that choosing the stairs over the elevator means that you’ve met it.

Find something that decreases your heart rate.

When we’re stressed, our bodies often reflect our inner turmoil. Take the time to breathe for just a few moments and try to allow yourself to relax.

Seek out something that reminds you to be grateful.

I promise there’s always something. We often just need a reminder to look for it. Bonus points if you start writing them down.

Do something that you don’t want to do.

On some days, this could be making a call to the lawyer. On other days, it’s simply getting out of bed.

Do one thing just because you want to.

Hit the snooze button on the alarm. Watch your favorite trashy TV. Eat that piece of chocolate.

Speak to at least one human.

There were days that I went inside the gas station instead of paying at the pump just to accomplish this prompt. I never regretted those moments of human contact, no matter how brief.

Get outside.

There’s a big world out there. And sometimes we need the reminder.

It’s been almost 13 years since I first made these daily promises to myself and yet I still follow the basic guidance I wrote to myself all those years ago. Those little reminders have held my hand through those moments when life is one day at a time and have helped me end so many days on a better note than how it started.

After Being Cheated On: When We’re Told to “Get Over It”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Why “Get Over It” is Misdirected

We Wish We Could

When we’ve been betrayed, we want nothing more than for the pain to go away. We try to bargain with it, under the desperate illusion that if we can just unlock the secret code, everything will go back to the way it was. Often, we try to escape from it, looking for those brief moments of respite provided through distractions. We plead with others and ourselves to please just make the pain stop.

We see ourselves, both manic and depressed, driven half-mad with the heart-stopping realization that we’ve been trapped in an illusion, and we hate what we see. We don’t want to be that person, and yet we don’t know how to escape the pain that binds us. And so “get over it” feels like being told to simply walk away and yet we have no legs.

 

It Often Assumes One Bad Moment is Reflective of Every Moment

Triggers – and overreactions – are a part of healing. And by their very nature, they tend to be visible to others and attract attention. It may be that this sort of reaction is rare, yet for the person on the outside telling you that it’s time to “get over it,” they may perceive this as being your normal, everyday state.

 

It is Dismissive of the Magnitude of the Pain

From an outsider’s perspective, it can be easy to underestimate the impact of betrayal. They may see it as being only about the sexual relationship or think that you are better off without the cheater and that can dump them and move on as easily as you discard your trash after a picnic lunch.

Yet the reality is different. No aspect of your life has escaped unscathed. You now question everything and trust nothing. You grieve the life you thought you had and the future you imagined. You feel like you were not enough while you face the fear of being alone forever.

 

Healing Does Not Speak Calendar

Many times, “get over it” comes after a certain amount of time as passed, as though the calendar holds some magical healing powers. And while time does help to soften the memories and provide opportunities for healing, it is no panacea.

From Does Time Heal All Wounds:

Time Doesn’t Mean You Forget You will never forget. Time does not erase all memories, delete all pain. It’s still there, but there is also space for you to live alongside of it.

Provide Automatic Processing Time doesn’t do the healing. You do. If all you do is wait, you’ll feel much the same, only with more wrinkles. Time simply gives you the space and opportunity to work through it.

Time Doesn’t Provide Understanding Time won’t answer the “why” question for you. It won’t reveal why life is harder for some of us than others and why bad things can happen to good people. What time does give you is some perspective that suggests that maybe understanding why isn’t really that important.

 

This Trauma May Bring Up Past Traumas

Perhaps this betrayal has brought up childhood wounds where you felt abandoned by a parent. Or maybe this has reminded you of other situations in your past where you received the message that you were unlovable and not enough. Perhaps grieving thus loss has reignited the pain of other losses from your pass.

Regardless of the specifics, this trauma does not exist in isolation. Much like an iceberg with most of its mass below the surface, it may appear to others that you’re reacting only to the most visible injury, meanwhile you’re wrestling with everything that’s been buried for years.

 

 

Why People Tell Us to “Get Over It”

They Have Something to Gain From Our Silence

Sadly, the one who betrayed us is often the same one telling us to drop it already, as though they can reveal this bombshell and then escape unscathed. Sometimes they’re clueless, so absorbed in their own life than they neglect to consider how their actions have impacted you. Other times, they see our pain as weakness and our cries trigger them to be cruel. Consider the motivation behind the words. Does your silence somehow benefit them?

 

Discomfort With Our Emotions

This can happen either with the person that betrayed us or with others in our life. The emotions that follow betrayal are often strong and ugly, and people may be uncomfortable bearing witness to those feelings. They tell us to move on because they want us to be back to normal for their sake.

 

They Care and Want Us to Feel Better

Not everyone who tells us to ‘get over it” has bad intentions. Sometimes, those words, although hurtful, are coming from those who see us hurting and want us to feel better. They see that we’re holding on, turning the past over and over again in our minds as though looking for the secret that will unlock peace. They see us “pain-shopping,” scrolling social media to see images of the affair partner and they hear our fixation on what has happened. They know that we would feel better if we let go, but they don’t always understand why we’re not ready to.

 

Because They Haven’t Lived it, They Don’t Understand

From an outsider’s perspective, it seems so simple – dump the jerk and walk away with your head held high like some character bouncing off rock bottom in a romantic comedy. Their words aren’t malicious, they’re just clueless.

 

When We Need to Pay Attention to “Get Over It”

If It Pisses You Off, There May be Some Truth to It

Pay attention to your reaction to those words. If you find yourself particularly enraged or defensive, it may be because they are dangerously close to some truth that you’ve been trying to avoid seeing.  Often, we do hold on too long and sometimes those in our lives our trying to help us see the ways that we’re betraying ourselves.

 

We Hold Onto Pain Because It is All We Have Left

The innocence is gone. The trust is gone. The marriage may be gone. But we still have the pain. It is a sign that we have been wounded that can become a strange badge of honor that we wear to honor the magnitude of what was lost. We fear letting go of the pain, because we no longer know who we are without it.

 

Sometimes We Neglect to Live While We’re Healing

It’s so easy to tell ourselves that once we are healed, then we will fully engage with life again. Yet life happens alongside healing, two intertwining and continuous paths. Perhaps the one telling you to “get over it” is really telling you to get out of the waiting room and start living even while you’re still healing.

 

If You’re Wanting to Heal the Relationship, You Have to Let Go

From After the Affair: How Much Should You Talk About It?:

You didn’t have a say in the affair and you have every right to have a say in how the recovery plays out. It is not your role to alleviate their guilt or to stay quiet in an attempt to keep the peace. Your emotions are valid. That being said, be mindful of your motivation when you bring up the affair. Are you looking for reassurances that it won’t happen again? Are you wanting to make them feel badly? Are you coming from a place of self-righteousness? Are you wanting the person that hurt you to be the one to heal you? These are all the relationship equivalent of a dryer being stuck in the tumble cycle – it will beat you both up, but won’t make much of anything happen.

None of what happened is fair. And if you’re committed to staying, you have to decide what you want more – to punish them or heal the relationship. You can’t have both.

 

Ultimately, what it comes down to is this…

You are never going to “get over it,” as though it was a minor slight that stung for a moment. This has had a profound impact on your life, leaving behind permanent marks and forever altering how you view the world.

Yet even though you are not going to get over it,

You ARE going to figure out how to live with it. You will each a point when it is no longer the first thing you think of when you awake and you no longer cry yourself to sleep. It will become part of your story rather than your entire identity.

You ARE going to heal, the incredible rawness of the aching void replaced with an echo of the pain. You will allow yourself to trust again, to love again, beginning with yourself.

You ARE going to learn from it. What has happened has opened your eyes, brought you gratitude for what you do have and showed you just how strong you are.

 

 

The 10 Worst Platitudes to Hear After Divorce or Infidelity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

As soon as the divorce or infidelity is public, the platitudes begin to rain down from loved ones and strangers alike. They can feel so off-base and tone deaf in the moment, even when they’re coming from a place of care and concern. What makes these platitudes sting and what wisdom might we gleam from them?

 

“This too shall pass.”

Why it stings – There is a complete lack of acknowledgment of where you are right now and the damage that has been done. It’s like focusing on the fact that the knife that has stabbed you is no longer in your body when the wound is still open and bleeding.

The wisdom within – The way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel. It will never be as though it never happened, but it will no longer be so raw and shocky.

 

“Everything happens for a reason.”

Why it stings – This can feel like a person’s bad behavior is being excused because it fits into some greater good or that a horrible experience is a positive thing because it allows for something new. It implies that you should be looking for silver linings moments after the lightening strike.

The wisdom within – You have the power to make this a starting point, to create good things from this situation. It is possible to both acknowledge how terrible something is and also recognize that there are indeed positive things that can arise from the ashes.

 

“God won’t give you more than you can handle.”

Why it stings – Being told you’re strong when you’re feeling incredibly weak and vulnerable only makes you feel ashamed that you’re struggling. Because no matter what God thinks, it certainly doesn’t feel like you can handle this.

The wisdom within – We are so much stronger than we realize. We tend to think that because something is hard, it is impossible and we fail to see the incremental progress that we’re making. You may not be strong enough today, but don’t discount how strong you’ll be tomorrow.

 

“It’s for the best.”

Why it stings – Then why is it the worst thing that has ever happened to me? From an outside perspective, it can be easy to see why the relationship wasn’t working. But from within? The loss of it overwhelms everything else.

The wisdom within – Sometimes we stay in a relationship simply because we fear losing it. And only once we’re out can we see how damaging it actually was.

 

“Time heals all wounds.”

Why it stings – You’re already feeling powerless and since time travel is still fiction, being told you have to wait some unspecified length of time to feel better, only adds to that lack of control.

The wisdom within – Time acts like a river over stone, slowly smoothing away the rough edges of the pain. You can’t force it to happen sooner, but you can appreciate it when it comes.

 

“There are plenty of fish in the sea.”

Why it stings – You don’t care about what you could have, you want what you lost. Besides, the thought of dating again is scary, exhausting and perhaps completely off-putting.

The wisdom within – Love is not, “Limit one per customer.” When you’re ready, you may just find that you not only can love again, but that this love is even better than before.

 

“When one door closes, another one opens.”

Why it stings – Why are you telling me about a door when I can barely stand? This platitude makes us feel like we need to be pushing at a time when we’re still nursing our wounds.

The wisdom within – Struggles always come with opportunities. After the initial grief passes, you may find yourself on a new – and exciting – path.

 

“Others have it worse.”

Why it stings – This hurts on two levels. First, it dismisses our experience, which although it may not be the worst in the history of the world, it is the worst in our history. Secondly, it can make us feel guilty, thinking that we shouldn’t feel the way we do.

The wisdom within – Gratitude is powerful stuff. Simply acknowledging the gifts you do have can go a long way to making you feel better.

 

“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.”

Why it stings – I don’t want to be stronger; I want to have a partner that treats me well. I may be stronger because of what has happened, but I’d prefer not being victimized thank you very much.

The wisdom within – This has changed you. You have found your inner strength, gained wisdom and compassion. And even though some days it felt like you were dying, it didn’t kill you.

 

“Forgive and forget.”

Why it stings – Don’t we wish we could have selective amnesia and the peaceful mind of a Buddhist monk? This stings because we so desperately want it to be true and yet we can’t seem to make it happen.

The wisdom within – I’m not sure forgetting ever happens, but you can find a peace with it. You don’t get over it, you learn from it.

Why I’m Not Anti-Divorce (Even Though I Hate It)

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce was the last thing I ever wanted in my first marriage.

Yet, in hindsight, I wish that my husband had asked for a divorce.

Because a divorce would have far easier – and more honest –  than what transpired.

 

If he had asked for a divorce, I would have been gutted. There is no easy way to accept the end of a relationship when it’s not what you want. It’s natural to beg, to cry, to rage in attempt to change the outcome, to somehow MAKE them want to stay.

But that one-sided attempt never really works.

If they want out, if their mind is made up and they are not willing or able to make an effort at repair, it’s often best to let them go.

 

From my perspective now, I would rather face divorce than have a partner who is only with me out of a sense of obligation or guilt. I want to be with somebody that chooses me every day (especially on the hard days when we don’t especially connect). Anything else only leads to resentment.

I would rather face divorce than have an unhappy partner that is using affairs to try to fill the void they feel. I would rather be left in plain sight than cheated on behind my back. The pain from betrayal is unparalleled.

I would rather face a divorce sooner than abandonment down the road when the pretense becomes too much for my partner to uphold. They both result in a feeling of rejection, but abandonment makes it much harder to learn how to trust again.

I would rather face divorce than be with someone who was married in name only, who refused to be emotionally present. I would rather be alone than feel miles apart from the person sleeping next to me every night.

I would rather face divorce than be married to someone who keeps up a facade at all times, pretending to be something and someone that they are not. I’d rather have an honest ending than a lie that lasts til death do us part.

 

 

Two things can be true at the same time –

Divorce is awful and can be extremely disruptive and even traumatic, especially for a partner who does not want it or for the children.

AND

Sometimes divorce is the best outcome in a given situation.

If you have to choose between a happy marriage and divorce, it’s obvious which selection is the preferred one. Yet that’s not the option that’s on the table. The decision is between keeping a malfunctioning relationship going either through life-support or a steady drip of denial and an end of that relationship, leaving space for something new.

 

Speaking from personal experience, if you’re facing an unwanted divorce, it’s extremely challenging to accept that your marriage was not as happy as you thought. This is especially true if your spouse actively hid their unhappiness (don’t you just love the, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” being the first indication of a problem???). But even if everything was smooth from your perspective, they may see ragged surfaces and unfilled spaces from their side, and the marriage is the sum of those views.

I wonder now if my own fear of divorce played a role in my ex-husband’s deceptions. If he was too scared of my reaction to bring up the possibility of divorce, so instead he tried to pretend that everything was okay at home while living an entirely different life outside those four walls. Perhaps things would have been easier if we were both more willing to look at things honestly.

 

I am not anti-divorce.

I AM anti-lying to yourself or your partner. A relationship that is not built on honesty will eventually – and painfully – collapse.

I AM anti-cheating. It is never okay to betray your partner’s trust.

I AM anti-abandonment. It is cowardly and immature to slink away without a conversation.

I AM anti-shaming someone for the decision they make. We all have to do what aligns with our goals and values.

Divorce is awful. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (or even on my ex-husband!). Yet sometimes, for some people, in some situations, it’s the right decision.

 

7 Things You Owe Your Partner (and One Thing You Don’t)

 

Forcing the End: Cheating as an Exit Strategy

Posted on by stilllearning2b

People cheat for a large variety of reasons. In many of those cases, the cheater wants the affair partner(s) and they still want the marriage, a sort of one-sided renegotiation of the wedding vows.

Yet in other cases, what the cheater really wants is out of the marriage and the affair is simply a way of forcing that outcome.

So, why do people use an affair as an exit strategy for a marriage?

 

They Want You to Be the One to End It

Maybe they promised themselves that they would never get divorced. Or, they would feel guilty about breaking up the family while the kids are still young. Sometimes they’re worried about the judgment they’ll face from others if their marriage fails.  But if you’re the one to initiate the divorce, then they can find comfort in their little fiction that this was all on you.

Of course, all of this completely ignores the fact that it was their behavior that led to divorce in the first place. That if it wasn’t for the affair, you never would have filed the papers. But those that cheat are quite skilled at compartmentalization; they can convince themselves that the both the affair and the divorce happened to them instead of because of them.

 

They Lack the Courage to Be Honest With You

These are the people that will drop the bombshell, “I haven’t been happy for a long time” once their hand is forced, yet will never come to you with, “I’ve been feeling disconnected from you recently and I’d like for us to work together on this.” In a perverse way, they are not upfront with you because they don’t want to see you hurt and they don’t want to bear witness to your disappointment.

So instead, they pull away and they turn elsewhere, towards someone that they don’t have to worry about feeling obligated towards. They are running away, from the marriage and also from their discomfort. They believe that if they just stuff their unhappiness deep enough, they can build on top of it.

 

They Are Afraid of Being Alone

They want out. They know they want out. And yet the thought of being alone and unmoored after divorce scares the hell out of them. So, they make sure that they have a safe place – or person – to land on. The affair is a way of avoiding that terrifying leap into the unknown of being single, instead replacing the cliff’s edge with a gentle ramp out of marriage.

 

They Are Not Self-Aware

This is so often the case with those who use cheating to force the end of a marriage. Many times, they are not even consciously aware that they want out, much less cognizant about how the choices they make fit into the bigger picture.

 

In all of these cases, the affair may have been the final straw (or your first indication that something was amiss), but there were problems beneath the surface long before they stepped out. If you’re entering into a new relationship after divorce, make sure to look for someone who has the courage to be honest with you – and themselves – about when they are unhappy. It’s not a guarantee that they will never cheat on you, but it certainly provides some insurance.