Beyond “Baggage” – Relationships After Divorce
Ten Unexpected Episodes That Left Me Feeling Triggered
After my former life imploded with a tsunami divorce, there were some situations that I knew would be difficult to face. In order to avoid being triggered, I drove the long way to avoid seeing my former neighborhood with the entrance sign that my husband fabricated the letters for. I was cautious not to go to “our” restaurant alone or when I was feeling low. Looking ahead, I knew that I would struggle with any hints of abandonment. And I studiously avoided any media that dealt with the subject of affairs or fraud.
But then there were the unexpected triggers. Those seemingly innocent events or circumstances that sucker-punched me to my knees, my head swirling with flashbacks instead of cartoon birds. In hindsight, these seem innocuous. Silly, even. Yet they were anything but at the time they occurred.
In chronological order, these were the ten unexpected episodes that left me feeling triggered:
A Tap on the Shoulder
It was just an innocent and perfectly acceptable tap. A student needed my attention while the class was testing. Not wanting to make any noise and coming up from behind me, she simply tapped me on my shoulder. Three months earlier, it would have been a non-event. But that day?
Oh, it was an event.
You see, my ex and I had this little game where we would tap the other on the shoulder at random times as a way to request a kiss. So when that student tapped my shoulder, I felt my stomach take an express elevator down as I again realized the enormity of what I had lost.
The Words, “Dear Reader”
My ex used to write creative fiction when he was in high school and he often shared these stories with me. He had this habit of occasionally addressing the reader directly which always got under my skin (although I never said anything).
Years later, after he abandoned me, was arrested and released on bail, he attempted suicide after emailing my mom and his other wife a suicide note. The tone reminded me of those youthful stories with its undercurrent of “dear reader,” as though he was doing us a favor.
I made it several months before I encountered those words in a book written by some completely innocent author. The text was flung across the room before it found its way back to the library.
A Traffic Jam
Years ago, I read a scientific article about how traffic jams are actually related to fluid dynamics and how understanding the latter has led to unique strategies in major cities. Excited about this information, I shared the study with my husband. He laughed at me and soon “fluid dynamics” became a joke whenever we were stranded in Atlanta traffic.
Since I stayed close to home after the tsunami divorce, months passed before I was impacted by traffic. As my car came to a stop behind miles of red brake lights, I automatically said the words, “damned fluid dynamics” as tears poured down my face. I would never again have someone to share that joke with.
Getting Picked Up at the Airport
I knew to steal myself for the hazardous materials sign at the entrance to security since that was the last place I ever saw my husband while he was still my husband. But I didn’t expect to have a panic attack on the other end of the trip.
My now-husband, then-boyfriend promised to pick me up after a visit back to Texas. As I stood at the curb waiting for him to arrive, I realized that I half expected him to not show, which is what I believe my ex husband had originally planned before concern for the dogs changed his approach.
When my boyfriend’s car pulled up as promised, I shook with both relief and release of stored trauma.
Small Lies of No Consequence
I teach middle school. And middle schooler lie. Often. About stupid things.
In the past, I could laugh off these stupid lies even as I made it clear that I wasn’t going to fall for it. After all, I knew that these fibs weren’t personal. They were just the excuses offered up by teenagers with partially-formed brains and a desire to avoid consequences.
But something changed after I learned that I had been living a lie crafted by my ex. An allergy of sorts. Any exposure to falsehoods and I would have a severe reaction. For the first time in my entire career, I would have to excuse myself so that I could calm down before responding to a kid.
The Air Blower at the Entrance to Home Depot
I walked through the entrance of Home Depot, the rush of air drowning out all of my senses. When I came to on the other side of the blast, I found myself transported to the past.
Money Moved From One Account to Another
This was a silly one. My now-husband and I had a gift account from our wedding and we had agreed to move the money to our joint savings account. But apparently my emotions didn’t remember this agreement.
I’m proud of how I handled this one.
A Basement Theater
I’m not so proud of how I handled this one. My ex husband built himself an office in the basement. In reality, it was command central for his other life. Needless to say, I developed a bit of an aversion to basements after this.
So when my now-husband wanted to build a theater downstairs, I responded in a pretty poor manner, letting fear do the talking for me.
Ugh. I’d like to forget that particular outburst.
Mums
This one was a surprise. After all, they’re just flowers. But when I saw them – and appreciated them – I suddenly realized how much I had allowed my ex to be my voice.
Winning Teacher of the Year
I received the honor of Teacher of the Year towards the end of my first marriage. My husband was gone at the time (allegedly on a work assignment) yet he had flowers delivered to my classroom before he even knew that I won. Months later, he attended the awards ceremony with me. The professional photos from that night were the last we had taken of us as a couple.
Exactly ten years later, I won again. My husband was out of town.
Gulp.
I had to remind myself that I married a very different man this time. Which soon became evident. My ex sent expensive flowers to my work where they would be sure to be admired by others. My now-husband made an immediate Facebook post talking about how proud he was of his wife. The flowers came, but to the house. They weren’t meant for public adoration.
The triggers came fast and furious in the beginning. Over time, they lessened in both intensity and frequency. It’s been over a year-and-a-half since I was last triggered. I’d like to say that I’m done with them, but I also know that life likes to keep us on our toes. Luckily, I trust now that the feelings will fade and the event will lose its power to impact me.
The best things about triggers is that once they are defused, they are harmless.
When You’re Not Ready to Hear the Message
“How could you not have known what was going on?” my friend gently implored after learning about my then-husband’s betrayals and deceptions.
“I don’t know!” I lashed out, “I’m not the one at fault at fault here. He lied. He did this to me. He destroyed everything.” The words were sharp in my mouth. My friend’s well-intentioned question felt like an additional attack. A further betrayal. A fire burned in my belly while the gate slammed shut over my heart.
I was not ready to hear the message.
Many months later, my pen explored a version of the same question within the safe confines of my journal, “Why was I not able to see what was going on in my marriage?” This time the question felt different. The threat was gone, replaced with curiosity and a desire to understand myself better. I no longer saw my taking on responsibility for my role in the marriage as absolving him from his role in its demise.
The first time this question was posed, I was not yet ready to hear the message. I was too hurt, too fragile. At that time, all of my energy was directed outwards towards him. It felt safer that way. After all, he was gone and therefore, a safe receptacle for my rage. But to look inward? Well, that was scary. After all, I would have to live with whatever I found there.
When I considered the question again, I was in a different space. Much of the initial anger had faded, like the receding waters after a summer deluge, leaving raised welts behind to show where its power had molded the very earth. I had begun to accept the limits of blaming him. I could scream obscenities at him into the night sky until the stars grew dim, but all that would happen is that my voice would run out.
Blame feels good, but ultimately leads to a dead end.
I understood then why my friend asked that question. She knew that whatever lived inside me that was too scared to see the truth would need to be exposed and explored if I was going to be able to heal from the life assault. And by the time I wrote down that query in my journal, I was ready to do the work.
With addicts, we generally understand that you cannot force them to face their addiction and seek treatment until they are ready. If confronted too soon, they lash back or aggressively deny any claims that they are in over their heads. The addiction wants to protect itself and until its host is ready for the battle, any attempts to dislodge it will fall flat.
Healing isn’t much different. We desperately grasp onto our identity as the hurt one or the victim because we fear that it is all we have left. And so when well-intentioned people suggest that we have some responsibility in our own healing or that the one that hurt us is not all-monster, we become defensive and angry. Not yet ready to hear the message.
Perhaps the biggest gift that time brings is a softening. Like butter left out on the counter on a warm afternoon, we begin to lose our sharp edges and consider that maybe things are not as absolute as they once seemed.
Pay attention to those well-intentioned queries that cause you to pull back like a wound has been touched. Those are the very areas that likely need attention. Maybe not today. But once you’re ready to hear the message.
What Do People Get Wrong About You?
What do people get wrong about you?
It’s obvious in hindsight that I didn’t know my ex-husband. And it seems that, even after sixteen shared years, he didn’t know me either. Based on his surprise when I went on the offensive after his abandonment and betrayal, he thought that I would simply roll over and take the consequences. I had always been the “nice girl.” He didn’t know that nice had its limitations.
He hasn’t been the only one to misread me. When we first met, my now-husband saw me as a super-conservative and ultra straight-laced school teacher. It was only when he learned about my love of heavy metal that he opened his mind about me. His friends still seem to think that I’m some delicate flower that will easily bruise.
At work, I’m viewed as unflappable. Consistently capable and good for advice. Yet few of my coworkers know how often I’ve broken down on Friday nights as the strains of the week build to an untenable level.
I’m accused of being unemotional because my analytical mind acts like a filter, reviewing and revising the feelings before they are releases. The anxiety that powers me is interpreted as responsibility. My introversion has been read as aloofness and my love for exercise as vanity.
And goodness knows, I’ve misjudged others. I thought my ex husband was trustworthy (spoiler alert – he’s not), I first believed that my now-husband was cocky (now I am always in awe of how readily he takes responsibility for any mistakes) and I have frequently made snap decisions about students that I have to modify as I get to know them better. Between the propensity for all of us to assign labels and our own experiences to behavior and the fact that we never reveal all of ourselves all of the time, it is inevitable that people will reach some false conclusions about you.
So how about it? What do people get wrong about you?
Six Compelling Signs It’s Time to Ask For Help
I’ve never liked to ask for help. Even as a toddler, I would improvise tools to reach light switches or fold up my blanket in order to avoid having to rely upon somebody else.
Fast forward to adulthood, and my, “I got this” attitude only increased. At work, I would volunteer to take on all of a project in order to avoid the inevitable frustration of waiting for others and the seemingly inevitable disappointment with their final product. When sick, I would downplay my symptoms in an attempt to limit the burden on others and would soldier on despite the pain. And in relationships (yes, including my first marriage), I would stoically insist that everything was under control even as I panicked inside.
As it turns out, that stubborn insistence to handle everything alone isn’t healthy and it also isn’t sustainable. Yet for those of us that are often perceived as “the strong ones,” it can be a challenge to even recognize when it is time to ask for help, whether it be an extra hand, medical assistance or emotional support.
Here are six signs that it’s time to admit your limitations and call in some support:
1 – You’ve Been Trying to Make a Change With No Lasting Success
You recognized that something needs to change and you make both a promise and a plan for yourself. At first, it looks promising. You’re making headway and beginning to feel better.
But then something happens to knock you off track. Maybe it’s some external pressure or your internal narrative. Regardless, you soon find yourself back at square one. Only this time you’re feeling a little less hopeful and a little more defeated.
Often we don’t ask for help because it feels like we’re admitting defeat when we accept that we cannot do it alone. But failure doesn’t come from setting yourself up for success; failure comes when you don’t allow yourself to receive the tools you need to reach your goals. When you’ve exhausted your own knowledge or skillset and have yet to make lasting progress, perhaps it is time to ask for help.
2 – The Issue is Beginning to Impact Other Areas of Your Life
Sometimes an issue becomes too big to ignore. For me, one of the key signs that it’s time to ask for help is when something has ballooned to the point where it is beginning to impact my ability to sleep and/or eat for more than a couple weeks. Experience has taught me that once that point has been reached, I will end up in a catch-22 downward spiral without some sort of assistance.
When your sad mood begins to impact your work or your nagging health issue starts to limit your ability to exercise, it’s a pretty clear sign that it is time to ask for help. Sometimes we just need a little encouragement and understanding to help reset and other times we may need more tangible assistance. Either way, it’s easier to tackle big things with help by your side.
3 – You’re Consistently Overly Emotional or Defensive
We are terrible observers and reporters of our own reality. We often get so caught up in the stories that we tell ourselves that it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to see the truth. And then to make matters worse, we often cling furiously to the stories we tell ourselves, becoming emotional or defensive when anyone threatens to unravel our yarn.
Have you ever attempted to remove a difficult splinter on your own? It’s challenging, isn’t it? You anticipate the pain and so you flinch before the tweezers even touch the flesh. And then once you summon the courage to search for the foreign substance, you find it difficult to dig deep enough as your pain receptors scream at you for your assault. Often, we claim defeat, not because the task is impossible, but because we allow ourselves to believe that it is too difficult.
The same thing happens in other areas of our lives (even in response to something as seemingly innocuous as household chores). When we’re too close to something, we feel it rather than see it. So when your emotions are consistently running high or you find that you’re responding defensively to something rather benign, it’s a sign that it may be time to ask for help.
4 – You Have No Idea Where to Begin
You know you need something to change. What you have clearly isn’t working. Yet when you think about the situation, you become overwhelmed at its enormity and subsequently shut down. You’ve tried prioritizing. You have written down steps. But still you doubt yourself and your judgment.
Uncertainty about the first steps is a clear sign that it’s time to call in a certain type of help – the guidance of someone who has walked this path before. This mentor can provide you with the wisdom that only comes from experience. They can gift you with the knowledge learned from their mistakes and embolden you with the hope of their success.
5 – Multiple People Have Expressed Concern For You
Many of us have a tendency to stubbornly insist that we’re fine (even to ourselves) despite hard evidence to the contrary. We brush off the pain as just the aftershocks of an old injury or downplay the pervasive thoughts that tap out dissonant chords upon our synapses. “It’s not that bad,” we tell ourselves through gritted teeth while we attempt to wipe away our tears.
So it can come as a shock when you learn that your mask of “okay” hasn’t done its job and others begin to inquire about your well-being. It’s easy to get irritated at this concern, reading it as intrusive or as a sign that we’re weak or incompetent. Yet in reality, this attention is often a warning sign that you’re ignoring something that really does need attention and that maybe you need to ask for help in order to address it.
6 – You Are Consistently Trying to Escape Your Reality
When we’re not happy with something, we often try to avoid looking at it (ever closed the door to a room to avoid seeing the clutter?). If you’ve noticed that you’re spending increasingly more time invested in escape strategies – substances, social media, unhealthy relationships, shopping, eating, etc. – it may be a signal that you have something you’re trying to escape from.
One of the reasons that we often need to ask for help in these situations is that while it’s easy to identify the escapism behaviors, it is often much more difficult to identify and address the underlying causes of those behaviors. This is where the perspective of an outside observer can be beneficial; they will help you see what you cannot on your own.
There is no shame in asking for help. Admitting your limitations is a sign of strength, not weakness. Displaying your vulnerabilities takes great courage and a willingness to accept a helping hand requires humility. Sometimes asking for help is just as important as giving it.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 