7 Revealing Truths About People Who Cannot Be Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I hear quite frequently from people wondering how and why their exes enter into new relationships so quickly, as though one foot must always be grounded in a partnership. They question if the displayed and professed love is real or if it is merely a show. They are curious how their former love seemed to move on so quickly while they are still struggling to simply let go.

Over the years of discussion and observation, I have seen the following characteristics appear time and time again in those who seem to always jump from one relationship into another. As with any generalizations, these traits will not fit all people equally.

Those that are perpetually in relationships tend to be romantics. They believe in soulmates and True Love and believe that it’s simply a matter of trying on partners until you find the one with the right fit. Romantics love the rush of a new relationship and truly believe that this time, it’s the one.

Relationship-hoppers are optimistic, rather than view past failed relationships as a sign of something wrong, they frame it as a sign that they need to try again. They aren’t the type to be bitter about former flames or love in general. They don’t spend time beating themselves or their exes up. They just move on.

The never-single tend to be giving, generous with their time and their attention. They may take this too far and develop their own self-worth through what they do for others. Or, they may give as a way of strengthening the attachment (think the stereotypical “sugar daddy” arrangement).

People that can’t be alone are often insecure. Perhaps they define their worth through the value of the partner on their arm. Or they believe that they are not enough on their own and so they seek guidance from a lover. They see themselves reflected in their significant other.

An avoidance of singlehood is also a sign of dependence on others. I frequently find that they had a domineering mother or were the youngest child. These are often people that have been conditioned to not think for themselves. Being alone for them triggers more than just loneliness, it brings with it an inability to cope.

Not wanting to be alone frequently arises out of fearfulness. They are afraid to be unloved. Scared to face life’s challenges alone. Worried that they will never find love (again) and so they jump at any chance just in case it’s the final opportunity. They may be afraid of the world and their favored hiding place is within the confines of a relationship.

The always-partnered may be unreflective. They are more prone to external action than introspection and self analysis. This lack of soul-searching helps them move on quickly, but can also mean that they carry the same problems with them into successive relationships.

There is no “right” amount of time to wait between relationships. The time needed is different for every person and every situation.

If you think you may have a tendency to rush into relationships too soon, read this. It will give you some points to consider.

If you are wondering how your ex could move on so quickly, remember that you’re only seeing part of the picture, the part they want you to see. And their story is no longer yours. No matter what they’re up to, you do you!

Forget New Year’s Resolutions! Resolve What’s Eating You Inside

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Did you make a resolution for this year?

Three days in, how are you doing with your resolution?

Still going strong? Awesome!

Or are you starting to think you may have been a bit too enthusiastic with your goals?

The reality is that most resolutions “fail,” not because we are weak but because we are bad at looking at the bigger picture. We craft resolutions that are sprints and then expect them to go the distance. We confuse effort with outcomes and neglect to address the very real obstacles in our way.

Yet we try again each year.

And you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results:)

So if your New Year’s resolutions aren’t working for you, try these resolution hacks instead!

I’ve never been a fan of resolutions. They always seemed punitive to me – starting with the belief that you’ve been “bad” and need to be “good.” They are usually black and white, leaving little room for adjustment. Most people give up on their resolutions within weeks; I merely need to count the heads in the gym every January to see this in action. People start out with the loftiest goals and, when they fail to meet them, they often internalize the failure, leading to the demise of the intention.

A standard resolution only scratches the surface. It focuses on the number on the scale rather than your relationship with that number. It looks at the balance in your bank account and discounts how that number is related to your self-worth. As such, even if the resolution is reached, there may still be a residual sense of unhappiness as the real issues remain untouched.

All of that is not to say that resolutions are inherently ineffectual. Growth and change is important and should be embraced (no matter the date on the calendar). And it can be done while embracing your imperfect, human self. Rather than see resolutions as a single question, pass/fail exam, look at it as a process, a cycle. There is no failure, no shame in being less than perfect. Rather, each time you fall short of your intention, is simply a sign to learn and begin again.

Sure, you can set a goal about what you’re eating. But in order to tackle what’s really eating you inside, complete the following statements and exercises:

“I can’t…”

Start by identifying your self-limiting beliefs by recognizing the restrictions you place on yourself with your thoughts and your words. Maybe you think you can never obtain that degree or complete that 5K. Perhaps you’re convinced that you’ll never find love again or that you can never get over a lost love. Spend some time brainstorming here. These thoughts become so natural, so much a part of us, that they soon become part of the surroundings and difficult to identify.

Now that you’ve identified what you believe you can’t do, it’s time to prove yourself wrong. Pick one of your limiting beliefs about yourself and make it happen. It will be difficult, mainly because your biggest opposition is your own mind.

I tackled one of my own “I can’ts” on my 30th birthday. Until that point, I had never been able to run a mile. Even in school. I had various excuses – asthma, a bad ankle – that all had some merit. But my real obstacle was myself and my internal narrative that said, “I can’t run.”

So on that birthday, I went to a local part with a half-mile track and I ran halfway around it before I collapsed. I went back the next day. And the next. Six years later, I ran a full marathon, officially proving myself wrong.

I could have phrased my resolution as simply wanting to run a marathon. But by thinking of it in terms of removing a self-imposed boundary, I was able to gain a sense of confidence and achievement that would not have been possible otherwise.

“I’ll be happy when…”

We all have a tendency to play this game, assuming that once the goal weight has been reached, the promotion earned, the child conceived, we will be happy. Uncover your own factors that are keeping you in life’s waiting room.

That was the easy part. The surface.

Now, dig into why you believe you’ll be happier once that particular goal is reached. How do you think your life will look differently? How do you expect you’ll feel differently?

And then question the assumption that you have to wait for that event to occur before you can be happy. Craft a duel resolution that provides steps towards your goal while, at the same time, focuses on your happiness while your working to make that intention a reality.

We often assign an almost-magical ability to an unachieved goal, believing in the dream that once that one piece is in place, everything else will be smooth. This two-prong resolution approach helps to limit that magical thinking while also ensuring that you’re not wasting your life in limbo, waiting for a goal that may never be realized.

I found myself embroiled in the “I’ll be happy when…” fallacy after my divorce. I was facing years of payments on the debt that my husband accrued and dumped in my lap. Payments that meant I had very little money to spare on extras or even necessities. I was counting down the months until I would be free of the debt and also be happy again. As though I could only be happy when I had money for myself.

A few months in, I found myself angry. At myself.

Yes, my ex left me the debt, but I was allowing it to hold me prisoner. I made a promise to myself to not feel limited by my financial situation. Even as I worked to pay off the balances, I worked even harder to pay myself. Not in money, but in experiences and things that brought me joy.

I could have made a resolution to simply pay off the debt. But then, I quite possibly could have found myself back in the black yet still feeling bankrupt in life.

 

“I’m grateful for…”

I’ve always found it funny that we focus on gratitude for what we have in November and then follow it with a focus on what we don’t have in January. Every resolution can benefit from a side of gratitude. Be thankful for what you have at the same time you’re striving for what you want.

I never said this would be easy. But it will be worth it once you resolve what is really eating you inside.

Forget New Year’s Resolutions! Here’s What to Do Instead

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Did you make a resolution for this year?

Three days in, how are you doing with your resolution?

Still going strong? Awesome!

Or are you starting to think you may have been a bit too enthusiastic with your goals?

The reality is that most resolutions “fail,” not because we are weak but because we are bad at looking at the bigger picture. We craft resolutions that are sprints and then expect them to go the distance. We confuse effort with outcomes and neglect to address the very real obstacles in our way.

Yet we try again each year.

And you know what they say about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results:)

So if your New Year’s resolutions aren’t working for you, try these resolution hacks instead!

 

The 8 Loneliest Moments After Divorce (And How to Lessen Their Sting)

Posted on by stilllearning2b
loneliest

There is no escaping the feeling of loneliness after divorce. After all, a shared life has been cleaved into two separate paths. The sense of isolation is a quiet companion for much of the time, although some circumstances cause it to wake up wailing. Here’s when you can expect the loneliness to be at its worst and what you can do to lessen its sting.

The Emergency Contact

After the discovery of my then husband’s affairs, I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to ensure that there weren’t any lasting physical effects. I dutifully began to fill out the paperwork to update my information when I stopped short at the line asking for an emergency contact. For years, he had been the default name on that line. Now, who should I designate? Any family was thousands of miles away and it seemed strange to list a friend. I felt orphaned.

To lessen its sting… I texted a friend, asking if she was okay being my default emergency contact for the foreseeable future. Her response was heartfelt and immediate. I no longer felt quite so abandoned. It’s easy for us to make assumptions about how isolated we are when there are people around us ready to step up. Ask. You may be surprised.

The Nights

And especially that empty bed. That first night, I alternated sitting on the couch and walking the darkened neighborhood streets. I couldn’t even look at the marital bed, much less sleep in it. That rectangular prism of wood and cloth represented so many memories. Merely the thought of it made me ache for the warmth of his body next to mine.

To lessen its sting… Change it. Claim it. If you are staying in the same home with the same bed, purchase new linens. Move the furniture. Switch to a new brand of laundry detergent that doesn’t smell like memories. If you’re relocating to a new space, make a conscious decision to not replicate what you had. And regardless of your situation, fill the void with a furry companion or a particularly snuggle-able pillow. As for the nights themselves, make sure both your Netflix and your library accounts are current.

The Sharable Moment

It was just sign, erected outside of a new construction site. But to me, it was part of an ongoing conversation. My then-husband and I had wondered and debated about the nature of the new building. And when, days after he left, the mystery was revealed, I found that I had composed the text to him and was ready to press “send” before I realized what I was doing.

To lessen its sting… First, eliminate the element of muscle memory. Move the contact info to a different area of your phone so that you don’t connect on autopilot. Then, decide if this can be shared with someone else or even on social media. Sometimes we feel better just releasing the idea or observation out into the world. If it’s best kept quiet, try writing it down. I kept a small notebook just for this purpose. Also, find comfort in the fact that this impulse will fade with time.

The Shared History

When the first dog we got together died, I grieved not only for her but for the fact that I couldn’t share memories of her life with my then-husband. When he left, I was left with years of shared memories with no match, like a puzzle with missing pieces. I tried to share with others, but I soon learned that this was one of those times when “you had to be there.”

To lessen its sting… When there is an ending to a shared beginning (anything from a death to a promotion to a child graduating high school), make a concerted effort to mark it with some sort of ceremony, either public or private. When you feel the ache of unrequited shared memories, shift your focus to building new memories, new shared histories with other people. If a particular place or date holds painful memories of a lost history, try memory layering – intentionally building new experiences over the old. And here’s how long it takes to create a new shared history.And here’s how long it takes to create a new shared history.

 

Continue to read the rest.

 

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The Problem With, “I Can’t Wait For It To Be Over”

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“December 31st can’t get here soon enough!”

“2016 just needs to end already!”

“I can’t wait for this year to be over!”

I’m reading and hearing these refrains on an ever-increasing basis. And sometimes I even find myself agreeing. At least in the moment.

But then, I think about other times I’ve felt that way – waiting for my divorce to be finalized, waiting for a particularly tedious plane trip to end or waiting for a difficult school year to wrap.

And I change my mind about wanting to hurry up and get 2016 over with.

When we focus on the end, we neglect to be in the present.

When we label something as “bad,” we have tendency to overlook the good. Whatever you nurture, grows.

When we assign happiness and success to external things, we neglect to make the internal changes needed to do better once the external circumstances change.

Like any other year (or any other thing at all), 2016 has had both good and not-so-good times. It’s not the worst, it’s not the best. It’s a Jackson Pollock of them both. Stand too close and all you see are the individual spots of joy and suffering. But stand back and take it all in and you see the bigger picture. It’s best to spend time at both vantage points.

As we enter the final hours of 2016…

Take time to remember and be grateful for the beautiful moments the year had to offer. And think about how you can cultivate those in the months to come.

Be present and mindful in these final hours of the year. Practice letting go of expectations and nurturing acceptance.

Refrain from assigning any magical powers to a new number. If you want different, be different.