Long after the initial pain of a betrayal has faded, the negative impact on your ability to trust persists. You can choose to never trust again. Or, you can refuse to let the betrayal limit you and take these steps towards learning to trust again.
Quick.
Who do you care most about in your life?
Who are you the nicest to in your life?
Be honest, are they the same person?
They’re often not.
You can see this dynamic clearly in teenagers and their parents (especially with mothers and daughters – sorry, mom!), but it happens in romantic partnerships too.
At first glance, it seems counterintuitive. After all, shouldn’t love and kindness function in tandem? Ideally, yes. But the reality is often more complex.
I’m not talking about abuse here (here’s a post on that particular dynamic), rather, I’m addressing the more innocuous and unintententional unkindness that can find its way into relationships.
So why do we so often give candy to strangers and coal to our partners?
Safe Harbor
Have you ever had a negative experience during your day that is then transferred to your partner that evening? We can’t say all of what’s on our minds to the boss, to the policeman who issued the ticket or the difficult client. So we unload it later on the one person that feels safe.
After all, they love us. Sometimes that love makes us feel confident that we can treat them poorly and they’ll still be there. And sometimes, we may treat them poorly in order to test that love.
Your partner becomes your safe harbor and that sense of security can lead to an unintended (and often unnoticed) decrease in kindness. It’s easier to always be on your best behavior when you don’t take things for granted. (One of MANY reasons it’s important to not take your partner for granted!)
Stripping Away the Public Self
When we’re out and about in the world, we project our public selves. In many ways, we present how we want to be perceived (after all, strangers only know what we show them). And it can be exhausting. So when we come home, we peel off that mask along with our trousers and slip on the sweats and let the less edited self fly free.
And when we’re relaxed and less restrained, we are more apt to talk before we think. And sometimes the words that come out are far from kind. Not because we aim to wound, but because we fail to check ourselves as carefully when we’re comfortable.
Add to that the history and inner knowledge we share with our closest people and the results can be quite painful.
Apprehension About Vulnerability
Letting it all show can be a scary feeling. And sometimes, we respond to that defenseless feeling by going on the offense. The baring of the underbelly followed by the baring of the teeth as though saying, “I’ll let you see me, but I’ll wound you before you get too close.”
Preservation of Self
Vulnerability isn’t the only fear that can manifest as unkindness; a concern that you’re losing yourself by becoming too attached to another can also result in unintentional hurtful actions. Pushing away instead of taking a step back.
Heightened Importance
And this is really what it’s all about. Our daily interactions with people at the periphery of our lives are fleeting. Hurtful words or actions are more easily sloughed off and forgotten. We don’t bring in the expectations. The fear. The attachment.
When you have two lives intertwined, there will be some frayed edges and some frayed nerves. Things unmeant will be said and actions may not always match the true feelings beneath.
Yes, your partner is your safe space. But that’s no reason to take them for granted and to treat them as such. Be generous in handing out candy to both strangers and your loved ones. Save the coal for those who really deserve it.
Quick.
Who do you care most about in your life?
Who are you the nicest to in your life?
Be honest, are they the same person?
They’re often not.
You can see this dynamic clearly in teenagers and their parents (especially with mothers and daughters – sorry, mom!), but it happens in romantic partnerships too.
At first glance, it seems counterintuitive. After all, shouldn’t love and kindness function in tandem? Ideally, yes. But the reality is often more complex.
I’m not talking about abuse here (here’s a post on that particular dynamic), rather, I’m addressing the more innocuous and unintententional unkindness that can find its way into relationships.
So why do we so often give candy to strangers and coal to our partners?
Safe Harbor
Have you ever had a negative experience during your day that is then transferred to your partner that evening? We can’t say all of what’s on our minds to the boss, to the policeman who issued the ticket or the difficult client. So we unload it later on the one person that feels safe.
After all, they love us. Sometimes that love makes us feel confident that we can treat the poorly and they’ll still be there. And sometimes, we may treat them poorly in order to test to love.
Your partner becomes your safe harbor and that sense of security can lead to an unintended (and often unnoticed) decrease in kindness. It’s easier to always be on your best behavior when you don’t take things for granted. (One of MANY reasons it’s important to not take your partner for granted!)
Stripping Away the Public Self
When we’re out and about in the world, we project our public selves. In many ways, we present how we want to be perceived (after all, strangers only know what we show them). And it can be exhausting. So when we come home, we peel off that mask along with our trousers and slip on the sweats and let the less edited self fly free.
And when we’re relaxed and less restrained, we are more apt to talk before we think. And sometimes the words that come out are far from kind. Not because we aim to wound, but because we fail to check ourselves as carefully when we’re comfortable.
Add to that the history and inner knowledge we share with our closest people and the results can be quite painful.
Apprehension About Vulnerability
Letting it all show can be a scary feeling. And sometimes, we respond to that defenseless feeling by going on the offense. The baring of the underbelly followed by the baring of the teeth as though saying, “I’ll let you see me, but I’ll wound you before you get too close.”
Preservation of Self
Vulnerability isn’t the only fear that can manifest as unkindness; a concern that you’re losing yourself by becoming too attached to another can also result in unintentional hurtful actions. Pushing away instead of taking a step back.
Heightened Importance
And this is really what it’s all about. Our daily interactions with people at the periphery of our lives are fleeting. Hurtful words or actions are more easily sloughed off and forgotten. We don’t bring in the expectations. The fear. The attachment.
When you have two lives intertwined, there will be some frayed edges and some frayed nerves. Things unmeant will be said and actions may not always match the true feelings beneath.
Yes, your partner is your safe space. But that’s no reason to take them for granted and to treat them as such. Be generous in handing out candy to both strangers and your loved ones. Save the coal for those who really deserve it.
Discovering the infidelity is often only the first part of the pain. Often it is then followed by excuses and justifications. As though mere words can erase your agony and absolve the cheater of their guilt.
If you have been cheated on, these are some of the excuses you may hear and the real meaning that might be behind the offered justifications.
When it comes to looking for a partner, we are not all looking for the same things. Some gravitate towards outward beauty while others are more concerned with what is inside. Some prefer creative types and some fall for the pragmatic. One person’s tall drink of water is another person’s cold shower.
And that’s okay.
Yet even though we are all drawn to different people and attracted by different traits, there are five characteristics that are so critical that we not only should seek them out in others, we should also learn to cultivate them in ourselves and nurture them in our relationships.
These five characteristics form the basis for a successful marriage or remarriage:
Curiosity replaces judgment with wonder, assumptions with observations. When you’re curious about your partner, you ask before you reach conclusions and you listen to the responses with an open mind. When you’re curious about your world, you take in more and react less. Curiosity keeps you open and flexible, interested and interesting. It replaces the fear of uncertainty with the marvel of “what if?”
The relationship you have today will not be the same one you have next year. There will be different pressures, some lifted and some replaced. Your perspective will be altered, your mood perhaps as well. And in order for a relationship to navigate these changes, it must be adaptable and flexible. A marriage formed by interconnected moving parts that change and bend to the surrounding terrain instead of insisting upon a fixed rigidity. It’s easy to see responding to change as weak, when really it’s the adaptable who survive.
In a happy partnership, each person owns their own stuff. They’re not looking for a savior or for somebody to heal their past wounds. They are willing to admit what is theirs to carry and they learn how to shoulder their own load. When challenges come, they respond with rationality and ingenuity instead of blame or defensiveness. And they also don’t rely on their partners for the good times, understanding that their happiness is their own responsibility.
It’s just life. Nobody makes it out alive, so you may as well enjoy the journey. Seek out a partner that knows how to laugh. That can find the humor in the darkest of places and is able to share that light with others. Humor is an antidote for tedium, a balm for sadness and an extinguisher of frustration. Apply it liberally and often.
There will be hard days. There will be days that you wonder if it’s worth it. Days when you question your own spouse and your own judgment. Grit is the trait that makes you find a different way, try a little harder, put forth just a bit more effort. Tenacity provides the push when you’re afraid and the fuel when you’re just too tired to take one more step. A successful marriage has staying power not because of its perfection, but because of the persistence of its constituent parts.
And remember, it’s important to be what you want to attract. So before you berate someone for not having these characteristics, look at yourself first.
A successful marriage begins with you.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 