Signs It’s Time to Make a Change

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Change is hard.

And so, like with many things that are hard, we often do our best to avoid it.

Sometimes, we are left with no choice. After all, when the house is on fire, there’s nothing to do but run out out the door.

But instead, if that house is just a little too confining or the wrong layout or misplaced for our needs, we’ll engage in all sorts of mental gymnastics to avoid making a change.

And of course, this doesn’t just apply to homes. It’s true when it comes to careers, to appearances, to habits and to relationships. When we’re not quite content, but there is a lack of an urgent need to change course, we’re in a state of limbo.

 

“I’m fine where I am,” you say.

“I don’t feel at peace with myself,” you think.

“I’ve been doing this for years, why change now?” you say.

“If I don’t make a change now, I never will,” you think.

“At least this is a known entity. The alternatives could be worse,” you say.

“But I won’t know unless I try,” you think.

“I could fail,” you say.

“I am stagnating,” you think.

There are no clear and consistent signs that deciding to make a change is the right choice.

Yet there are four indications that the challenge of change is preferable to the temporary comfort of staying put:

 

There Are No More Variables Left to Change in the Current Situation

I am going to continue with the house analogy here, because it make this easy to understand. If you’re unhappy with your home, it makes sense to first paint the walls and install a new area rug. If that doesn’t improve your feelings towards the house, maybe next you invest in a more substantial remodel. Yet at some point, if you’ve addressed all of the logical variables that can be modified and you’re still not satisfied, it’s time to move on.

 

Staying With the Status Quo Has Begun to Feel Like a Grind

There are always times in life when we have to put our heads down and simply push through to get through. Yet all of life shouldn’t feel like mile 60 in a 100-mile race. We are creatures of inertia; we’re very good at doing what we’ve done and less skilled at changing direction. Yet maybe that is exactly what needs to happen if the groove carved by trudging the same path feels like you’re digging your own grave.

 

You Approach the Thought of Change With Both Excitement and Fear

Not only is change hard, it is scary. It requires a leap of faith as you leave behind the implied security of the known terrain. It asks you to meet new challenges before you’ve proven yourself. Yet at the same time, change can be exciting, as all new and interesting things are. When fear and excitement are playing a fairly-matched game of tug-of-war in your mind, it’s a solid indication that you’re going the right way.

 

There is a Feeling of Lightness When You Make a Move Towards Change

When we’re in the wrong situation, it weighs on us. Pulls us down. If you make a decision towards change and feel relief (even if you’re still having doubts), that’s quite telling.

 

Change may be hard, but that’s no reason to avoid it.

After all, everything worthwhile in life takes effort.

Make sure your efforts are aligned with your goals.

9 Reasons People Stay in an Unhappy Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
stay in an unhappy marriage

Why would someone choose to stay in an unhappy marriage?

I remember questioning my ex husband about his parent’s marriage while we were still teenagers –

“They seem miserable. Why do you think they stay together?” I asked as we drove away from his childhood home.

“I guess they decided that they would rather be miserable together than risk being even more unhappy alone. Besides, leaving would require courage and effort and those are in short supply.”

“Promise me we’ll never end up like that,” I said, sliding my hand to his thigh as he sat behind the driver’s seat.

“Never,” he said, squeezing my hand. And that was one promise he actually kept.

His parent’s marriage seemed strange to me. My own parents had divorced years earlier, but they always kept their disputes hidden behind closed doors, so the image I had of them was of a happy and connected couple.

I struggled to wrap my young-and-still-naive brain around the idea of staying with somebody that I no longer liked. It seemed simple – if you’re not happy, leave.

But of course, it’s not always that simple.

People choose to stay in unhappy – or even downright miserable – marriages for many reasons. And from the outside, it’s easy to judge (especially if you’re a know-everything teenager). But that doesn’t mean that their decision to stay is necessarily wrong.

The following are nine reasons that people choose -either consciously or unconsciously – to stay in an unhappy marriage:

1 – They Are Afraid to Be Alone

At some level, most of us harbor a fear of being alone. We crave love, acceptance and companionship. And so even if a marriage is miserable, it may seem preferable to stay with the devil you know that risk being alone and unable to find someone new.

This becomes especially true with longer-term marriages. After spending years or decades together, you may have become dependent upon your partner for certain things and the thought of not having them to depend on becomes daunting.

If the marriage is more unfulfilling than actively agonizing, the risk of this trade-off may not seem worth it. Furthermore, if the marriage is founded on an anxious attachment style, the act of grasping becomes more important that who you’re holding on to.

2 – For the Sake of the Family

It is not uncommon for couples to elect to stay together for the sake of the children. Whether to avoid the emotional upheaval of divorce on the family or to maintain the family structure, the children’s needs are placed before the happiness of the couple. Sometimes this is permanent and other times it simply delays the decision to split until the children have grown.

This motivation can extend beyond the children. Sometimes people cannot bear the thought of losing the connection with their extended family, which has taken them in as one of their own.

A divorce impacts far more people than simply the two who exchanged the vows. And sometimes we choose to put the well-being of others ahead of our own.

3 – To Maintain a Lifestyle

We are familiar with the idea of an unhappy marriage that is sustained on life support so that one or both of the partners doesn’t have to face a change in financial status. Yet that is not the only reason that marriages are maintained to avoid a shift in lifestyle.

If both people are content with the entirety of their lives – home, extended family, friends, jobs, etc. – save for their marriage, they may reach the decision that they are willing to sacrifice a happy marriage for a happy life.

And there is truth that divorce often brings a dramatic change in financial and social status that may never be fully recouped. And for some, the trade-off of staying unhappily married becomes an intentional trade-off.

4 – Because of Religious or Cultural Beliefs

For some, the decision to divorce means also divorcing themselves from the beliefs that have been instilled in them since childhood. Divorce may be perceived as sin no matter the circumstances or the dissolution of a marriage may bring immeasurable shame to a family.

In these situations, divorce may be more painful than staying in an unhappy marriage. Divorce means a decision to deny your core beliefs and risks being ostracized from your family or community. So as long as the marriage is not an abusive one, staying may be the better choice.

5 – Inertia or Habit

We are creatures of habit. All too easily, we do what we have always done, resisting change and bemoaning the effort inherent in forging a new path. We become accustomed to our surroundings, even when they are detrimental. Once seated, we have a tendency to stay.

For many in an unhappy marriage, they may not even be consciously aware that they are in a bad marriage. They are simply sleepwalking through life, acting without thought and reacting out of routine. Those that are on automatic pilot stay in their marriages, not out of intention, but out of inattention.

6 – Fear of Judgment

Those that choose to divorce definitely face judgment from others. We may be viewed as weak, impulsive or unwilling to put in the hard work and persevere. If you’re concerned about the negative response from others, you may choose to stay quietly unhappy than risk the public humiliation.

We not only fear the judgment of others, we also want to avoid self-judgment when we believe that we have failed. Few of us go into marriage with the thought of divorce on our minds. And it can be difficult to admit that we make a mistake – either in our choice of mate or in how we treated them once married. And so sometimes, it seems safer to stay in denial.

7 – A Belief They Cannot Do Any Better

When you struggle to love yourself, you struggle to understand what you deserve. And if you’re in an unhappy marriage where your partner consistently dismisses or belittles you, this insecurity will only grow.

Sometimes we stay in a bad situation because we believe that we deserve to be unhappy or perhaps even punished for some perceived wrongdoing or shortcoming. And that becomes even more true when we listen to our partner’s voice more than we trust our own.

8 – Because They Don’t Want to Cause Pain

One of the hardest things in life is to look into the face of someone you care about as you tell them something that will cause them pain. And it’s even harder if you’re the source of the pain.

Sometimes people stay in an unhappy marriage because they would rather take the pain upon themselves than to transfer it to another.

9 – A Fear of Retaliation

One of the saddest reasons that some elect to stay in an unhappy marriage is that they fear the retaliation of their spouse if they choose to end the marriage. Perhaps the spouse has threatened to withhold financial support, isolate the other parent from the children or even suggested bodily harm. No matter the threat, it is a type of marital terrorism used to imprison the other. If this is your situation, please seek guidance before you assume that you are stuck.

Ultimately, the decision if – and when – to end a marriage is a highly personal choice. If you’re struggling with that decision, here are 12 questions to ask yourself.


Marital Climate vs. Marital Weather

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been an odd winter in the Southeast this year. We’ve had record rainfall and relatively moderate temperatures. The near-constant flooding has meant that most of the trails (many of which run alongside streams in low-lying areas) have been inaccessible and even damaged from the fast flowing water.

Without perspective, you might easily assume that Atlanta is always partially aquatic and rarely blessed with sun. But of course, that’s far from true. The error comes when weather, which is temporary and always-changing, is confused with the general patterns and tendencies of climate.

And we often make that same error in judgment when it comes to our relationships.

It’s an easy mistake to make, getting lost in the trees and failing to see the forest. We get so caught up in each moment and allow our emotional responses to situations, both good and bad, to accentuate certain traits while dismissing others.

We can confuse a distressing moment with an unhappy union. Decide that a misspoken comment is a sign of complete decimation. Or, conversely, we can ignore a pattern of poor behavior in exchange for the periodic and passing warmth of a kind word or loving embrace.

Every marriage has storms where the battering winds cause the very foundation to tremble. All marriages have periods of drought, leaving both parties feeling desiccated and shriveled. It’s the rare union that doesn’t experience the occasional chill, the blocks of ice preventing true connection. And most marriages have those perfect sunny days when the warmth permeates your very soul and you feel relaxed and secure.

And just like with the weather outside our windows, it’s easy to form judgments about the relationships within our walls based on what’s happening at a specific time. We stay with people that are bad for us because they can make us feel good in the moment. Or we begin to tell ourselves that our marriage is troubled after a rare deluge. And then, all too easily, that story can become taken as fact.

So before you have yourself convinced that your tundra-like union is happy because the temperatures occasionally rise above freezing or that your totally normal midwestern marriage is in shambles because of a rare flood, look at the bigger picture. Marital climate is defined by the trends, not by the moments within. And sometimes you just have to wait out the rain, trusting that the usual sun will shine again.

What NOT to Do If You’re Unhappy in Your Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
unhappy marriage

So you’ve come to realize that you’re unhappy in your marriage.

Perhaps you’ve noticed that you look forward to the times when your spouse is out of the home. Maybe you’re feeling increasingly stifled or frustrated with your life and you’re experiencing a driving need to do something different. Or your spouse has begun to feel like a stranger to you and you startle to learn that you feel lonelier with them than when you’re by yourself.

Your mind is a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts and emotions. You remember your vows and you think about the pain that divorce would inflict upon your partner and children and you make an internal pledge to suck it up and make it work. Then, as you contemplate endless years with more of the same unhappiness or discontentment, you begin to summon the courage to make a change. And then you remember your shared history and the time invested into the relationship and you’re again unsure.

I’ve written before about what to do when you’re in the midst of a marital crisis.

But what about what not to do? Sometimes we need to be able to see the hazards clearly so that we can make sure we avoid crashing into them.

Here is that list –

What NOT to Do If You’re Unhappy in Your Marriage:

Don’t Ignore It

When things are uncomfortable or suboptimal, it can be tempting to turn away from the unpleasant reality. To pull an adult version of, “If I don’t look for the monster under the bed, it can’t exist.” Yet ignoring any concrete issues in the marriage or your own unhappiness with the status quo will not only be unsuccessful, it will also be unsustainable over the long run. The issues, whatever they may be be, will not resolve on their own and your ignored feelings will refuse to stay silent indefinitely.

It is only by facing your unhappiness that you have the possibility of resolving it.

Worried that you’re ignoring some important signs of marital discord? Here are five signs that you may be in denial.

Don’t Fixate On It

It is important not to deny your marital unhappiness and it is also critical that you refrain from becoming preoccupied with it. Whatever we nurture, grows. If all of your attention is focused on your discontentment, it will begin to multiply until it blocks your view of any residual affection or commitment.

When your marriage is in trouble, it’s natural for it to threaten to become all-consuming. After all, tremors in your relationship create aftershocks that travel through your entire life as you begin to realize how much everything is connected. You may find yourself grasping onto whatever you can as a fear of loss and isolation begins to press against your ribcage, threatening to cut off all of your oxygen supply.

Even as you’re navigating this uncertain and scary time, continue to reassure yourself that you will be okay no matter what the outcome.

Don’t Assign Blame Without Responsibility

It’s so easy – and often quite deserved – to place the blame for your marital dissatisfaction  at the feet of your misbehaving or unenlightened spouse. “I’m miserable because he drinks.” “If she would just pay attention to me instead of just the kids, we’d be okay.” “We’re struggling because he keeps flirting with random girls on Facebook.”

All of those things may well be true. And it may also be true that your partner’s actions and your happiness are mutually exclusive, that as long as their behavior continues, you will be miserable. You cannot change their choices. Yet you also have a responsibility to yourself. What you tolerate, will continue. What you allow, communicates how you can be treated. When you only blame, you give away your power. When you take on responsibility for your own decisions, you become even more powerful.

It’s important to recognize, name and confront the decisions and behaviors that your parter is making that negatively impact the marriage. And it’s also important for you to identify and express the choices that you have in light of the circumstances. You may not be able to save your marriage alone, but you do have the power to save yourself.

Don’t Have a “Bandaid” Kid

What more tangible sign is there of a unity of two people than a child? This living, breathing combination of both of you. An impressionable and defenseless embodiment of love wrapped in blankets and dreams. So it’s no surprise that people often (consciously or subconsciously) have a child in an attempt to refresh a struggling marriage.

Yet children are also an immense strain on a relationship. Tempers flare as sleep becomes a rare and precious commodity. Finances stretch under the new responsibility and the partnership often feels the strain. And the challenging steps of negotiating a fair division of labor while navigating new roles can make even the closest couples begin to have doubts.

On top of the inevitable stressors that a child adds to a marriage, it is also unfair to task a kid with the burden of stitching a worn and threadbare relationship together. Just as you spruce up the physical space to welcome home a new baby, ensure that the repairs on the marriage are undertaken before a new child is brought into the fold.

Don’t Open Up the Relationship

Many of the podcasts I listen to and advice columns I read feature advice-seekers who begin by describing their dissatisfaction with their marriages and then follow up with a question about the viability of opening up their marriage. On the one hand, I get it. They’re desperate to find a way to keep what they have that also provides the excitement and novelty that one or both spouses are craving. On the other hand, navigating the transition from a monogamous relationship to an open one is fraught with many stumbling blocks. I can’t imagine a couple that is already in trouble successfully communicating about emotionally-charged boundaries and rules.

Part of the reason that opening up the relationship may be appealing in times of discord is that is acts as both a distraction from the marital problems and another source of the validation or intimacy that may be missing from the primary relationship. And when attentions are focused elsewhere, the unhappiness within the marriage is likely to grow.

Don’t Make a Major Purchase

For many of us, when we’re unhappy, we look to material goods to fill the voids that we feel inside. It’s easy to fall prey to the illusion put forth by advertisers as we see happy and smiling families spilling out of new homes or heading out in their newly-acquired vehicle on some sort of perfect adventure. We can begin to blame our current possessions for our discontentment and pin our hopes on becoming happier once we secure that next new thing.

Not only is this snipe hunt a distraction and wallet-emptier, it can become an endless search for meaning and satisfaction where it cannot be found. No matter what baubles decorate your marriage or what wrappings surround your relationship, the basic connection (or disconnection) remains the same.

Don’t Seek Emotional Intimacy or Validation Elsewhere

When you feel invisible in your marriage, it’s tempting to find others who will truly see and appreciate you. Be careful on this slippery slope. Attention feels good and you can end up unintentionally sliding into an emotional affair (here are the key signs to watch out for).

If you think your marriage has a chance, give it that chance. Focus your energy towards making your partnership stronger and growing yourself into a better spouse. If your marriage is already on shaky ground, focusing elsewhere is a surefire way to send it tumbling into ruins.

And if your marriage is dead, have the respect to communicate its demise before you turn your attentions elsewhere.

Don’t Disappear

Because that’s just a cowardly and malicious way to end a relationship. You have the right to leave, but don’t lose sight of your spouse’s rights as well. Here is what you do owe your spouse, no matter what decision you decide upon for you.

Stuck In a Bad Marriage? These Are Your Three Choices

Posted on by stilllearning2b
bad marriage

I had someone come to me last week for advice. His relationship with a woman – a married woman – recently ended and he was reeling from the breakup and associated revelations.

“I don’t understand,” he wrote, “How can she tell me her marriage is so bad and then choose to stay in it?”

I groaned. I couldn’t help it. I have never heard from anyone who had a relationship with a married partner who was not told that the marriage was bad. In fact, I think that pronouncement is a prerequisite for infidelity.

And it drives me crazy.

First, I see this as an excuse. It’s a convenient way to lessen guilt and shift blame to the unsuspecting spouse. It’s basically saying, “I’m not cheating because I’m a bad person; I’m cheating because you’re a bad person.” By painting the marriage as bad, regardless of the veracity of the claim, the actions become justified.

I also read these statements as a cry of insecurity. In essence, “My husband/wife never appreciates me so I need you to fill in the void.” But when we seek validation outside of ourselves, it’s never enough.

The assertion of a bad marriage to an affair partner is also manipulative. It’s a sob story that can used to spur rescuing behavior. “I’ve tried so hard to be a good spouse but I’m a victim of my spouse’s actions.”

Ugh. Just no.

If you’re on the receiving end of these stories, listen between the claims. Watch actions, not words. Think about what this person has to gain by telling you about their bad marriage.

And realize that reality may be very different than the picture they are trying to paint. After all, most people that have affairs claim that they are happy in their marriages.

Yet they say otherwise.

Now of course, marriages can go bad. Some had signs of mold from their inception while others slowly rot over time. If you’re in a souring marriage, you have three choices:

Fix It

Not by changing your spouse. But by changing yourself and your reactions. Instead of blaming your responses on your partner’s actions, dig deeper to uncover why you are upset. What is being triggered? Address that.

How To Release Your Triggers

Accept It

Your spouse isn’t perfect. And neither are you. Marriages have seasons of growth and periods of drought. Are you looking to your spouse to fill a void within yourself? Are you expecting your marriage to magically heal your childhood wounds? Are you assuming that your partner should meet all of your needs?

Why I Don’t Want a Perfect Marriage

End It

And if the defects are fatal? End it. There’s no reason to keep a marriage on life support forever.

12 Things to Consider Before Ending Your Marriage

Choosing to stay in the marriage while complaining about it is a form of passive acceptance. Yet it’s an acceptance that will keep you (and your marriage) miserable.

7 Reasons People Withdraw in Relationships

It’s really that simple.

Three choices – fix it, accept it or end it.

Make one.