Blinding You With Science

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Here’s another collection of interesting articles I’ve come across. The (rather loose) theme for today is science; all of these have at least some basis in research. I’ll let you form your own opinions about the conclusions:)

First, from one of my favorite magazines, Mental Floss summarizes 11 interesting facts gathered from a variety of studies about online dating. I’ve gotta say, #6 shocks me. What’s the point of signing up then? 11 Results From Studies About Online Dating

Ever wonder why it’s taking you so long to get over your break-up? Don’t worry, science has your answer. The Real Reason It Took So Long to Get Over Your Breakup

Here are some recent conclusions about risk factors for divorce. According to the short list on the top, don’t ever marry a teacher! Hopefully, the other factors will help balance out my earning power:) New Prediction Factors For Divorce

It seems that we like to quantify divorce; perhaps it brings some semblance of control over a difficult situation. The first one on this list surprises me; I certainly don’t fall into that category! The Science of Separating: Five Shocking Truths About Divorce

And from the other side of the aisle, here is some research from the good people at The Gottman Institute about what makes love last. Why Does Love Last For Some and Not Others?

Happy Friday everyone!

Waiting for the Other Shoe

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The hardest part about the way my marriage ended is trying to live without always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I mean, things are great now. Really great.

But things were great before.

Sometimes I wish that my ex had been a jerk to me. I hear about these spouses that put on a good show in public and then belittle and guilt-trip their partners behind closed doors. I read about growing tension in discussions and growing distance in the bedroom. I see couples at dinner barely containing their contempt for each other and eyeing the door for escape. Whenever I used to see or hear about those behaviors, I grew ever more grateful for my husband, who was always gentle, generous, patient and attentive towards me.

But now I feel otherwise.

Because while I was happily wrapped in his arms, he was sliding the blade of betrayal through my ribs. Between intimate conversations, he was spreading horrific tales about me to others. And apparently the attention turned towards me only lasted as long as I was in the room.

If he had been a jerk to me, it would be so much easier now. I would know what to avoid and what warned of a problem. But a covert jerk is difficult to spot.

And that’s what makes me wary about that other shoe.

My rational brain works to calm me. Brock is not my ex. He is direct and faces problems head-on instead of trying to tuck them away. He is naturally loyal and reviles deception. I grow closer to him every day and can now, with certainty, say that I trust him. Plus, he knows if he screwed me over, I’d have to write about it:)

Apart from him, I now trust myself to recognize similar patterns or behaviors that may hint at trouble brewing beneath the surface. I will never be so naive again.

But the rational brain isn’t always the one holding the reigns. And my emotional self keeps looking up, ready to dodge the flying boot.

 

 

 

Memories and Moments

Posted on by stilllearning2b

photo-47

This morning marks one year since I said “I do” again.

Even though I always knew I wanted to be married again, it was still a scary decision to actually do it.

To take that risk.

To be vulnerable.

But I am so glad that I did.

 

We celebrated our anniversary this past Friday with a room on the 55th floor of the Westin downtown. As we watched the Atlanta traffic from the vantage point of our room, I told Brock about my obsession with the fluid dynamics theory of traffic, a viewpoint my ex always teased me about. Brock not only didn’t make fun of me, he agreed. And we even had some fun watching and observing the arterial flow from 600 feet above.

photo 3-49

Later that night, after an amazing dinner at the Sun Dial, we watched some of Princess Bride from our bed. That was my favorite movie in high school and one my ex and I watched countless times together. And Brock didn’t even get mad at me for quoting the entire movie. Inconceivable.

 

I realized much of what I mourned at the end of the first marriage was not so much the loss of him but the loss of the shared history. The memories and the moments.

And what I’m now realizing is that those memories and moments can be built again. That they can exist apart from my ex.

That I didn’t lose as much as I thought.

And that what I have gained is worth more than what is gone.

 

I believe in marking moments. In recognizing landmarks and anniversaries. It’s a way of remembering. Of experiencing gratitude. And celebrating the good.

It’s a reminder to treasure the moments because someday they may only be memories.

 

Thank you all for all the kind words about Tuesday’s post. I hope the kiddos and fuzzballs enjoyed the extra love. I know mine did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Scared of Love? You’re Not Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I hear so many people proclaim that they never want to remarry. Or even to fall in love again. They’ve been bitten and now they’re shy.

Or, more accurately, scared of being hurt again.

I get it. It’s certainly safer to build those walls and live within.

Safer. But also limiting.

A life in a cage.

And I believe we’re meant to fly.

Even though we may fall sometimes.

This article on reasons why people are afraid of love came across my feed today. Read it. I related; I bet you will too.

And then let your fears be the beginning rather than the end.

Marital Limbo

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marital limbo

We had one of our good friends over the other evening. He was recently divorced when I met him a few years ago, although Brock knew him through much of his marriage. In the past several years, he’s been dating, at times sporadically and at other times with more intent. He even contemplated moving in with one woman not all that long ago.

So I was shocked when I heard these words out of his mouth the other night –

“I never want to get married again.”

I was shocked, not because I think marriage is the best answer for everyone. And I certainly understand shying away from matrimony after enduring the pain of divorce. I was shocked because marriage seems to fit him. He’s stable, healthy and loyal. He has goals and doesn’t shy from hard work to achieve them. He has grown as a person and has developed many healthy relationships around him. When dating, he is a serial monogamist, developing deep relationships with one woman at a time. And I’ve never sensed any bitterness about his past.

So why the anti-marriage stance?

And then yesterday, I read this post from Matt over at Must Be This Tall To Ride. He talks about the time spent in marriage limbo when he slept in the guest bedroom for over a year. I winced while reading it; it certainly sounded like a special kind of hell. Neither married nor single. Like living in a home destroyed by a flood, yet unwilling or unable to let it go.

And I thought about my friend. He lived in marriage limbo for a long time. He was married, yet in the most important ways, had no wife. They orbited around each other with little chance of connection. And when they did connect, it was ugly. The divorce, in many ways, was a relief. An untethering to a lame duck marriage.

His memory of marriage is not a good one; what was good has been sullied by the time spent in limbo. No wonder he is shying away.

My experience could not have been more different. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. I never visited that marital land of neither here nor there. I was in marriage heaven and then instantly plummeted into the fires when it ended. My bad memories are not of marriage, but of marriage ending.

So perhaps that’s part of why I wanted to be married again.

 

My curiosity is piqued – is there a correlation between time spent in marital limbo and desire to be married again? What’s your story?