Has this ever happened to you? You decide you want a lazy evening on the couch watching a movie on Netflix. You already have a particular movie or narrow genre in mind. You scroll through the thousands of offerings, but not one of them sparks your interest. Maybe you give up and surf the net instead.
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I see many people approach dating the same way. They decide what they are looking for and then cull the options that do not fit the specified criteria. Be open to new genres; you may find yourself surprised at what you like.
When my husband first left me with a text message, I was outraged. I felt impotent, my voice stolen from me just when I had so much to say to him. How could he leave me and give me no answers? How could he disappear and not let me talk? For months, I sought solace in the thought that I would be able to take the stand in the felony bigamy trial against him and again in the civil divorce case. I held tight to the thought that he would have to face me then. Then I would have my say. Then I could have closure.
As events unfolded, I learned the bigamy would be settled with a diversion and no trial would be forthcoming. The divorce ended much the same way; I saw him, but was not allowed to speak to him.
So, there I was. Eight months had passed since the fateful day. The two opportunities I saw for closure had come and gone. I was at a crossroads; I could either come to terms with never having closure, or I could seek closure within myself. I chose the latter.
The problem was, even though I had committed to a path, I had no idea how to move forward. I thought about what would need to be true for me to not be stuck in the past, mired in the muck created by the whole experience. First, I realized that I would need to find a way to reframe the experience in a positive light. That naturally paired with the wellness journey that I was on and that I help to guide others along as well. I would need to have a clear picture of who I was in the marriage and what I could learn from going forward. I knew that I would need to take back my voice, not to talk to him, but to share my story in a way that could help others. Finally, and most importantly, I realized I needed to soften towards him, replacing some of the anger with compassion. That last part was the hardest (and sometimes still is).
As I worked on these goals, I found that I began to develop a peace about what happened. It gave me ownership and took me out of victimhood. It shifted the power to me and I no longer needed him to find closure and move forward. I found closure within.
One of the responses I frequently get to my story is, “What an idiot for getting caught.” He wasn’t an idiot, but he certainly underestimated me.
In my former life, I had a tendency to want to turn away from anything scary or ugly. My ex obviously knew this, and he exploited it towards the end of the marriage. I believe that he thought I would be so shocked and devastated by the “good-bye” text, that I would be paralyzed with fear. He thought wrong. Instead of hiding, instead of turning away, I was driven to find out what happened.
First, let me clarify. The text was abrupt. Sudden. The marriage that I knew, that he led me to see, was good. He refused to respond to any calls or texts after he left. He took all but one of the computers (mine), all of the financial documents, and strange things (like the discs that held the papers I wrote for grad school). The passwords on all of the accounts had been changed. It made no sense.
So, I immediately went into detective mode. By getting into the financial accounts, I learned of an affair and financial deceptions going back years. I also learned where he currently was staying (a few states over). It gave some answers. He emails gave the rest. Because of the way our accounts were linked, I was able to see the messages sent to his junk folder, which included those that were carbon copied.
It only took a few days for the first interesting email to come through. This one indicated plans for a visa for an upcoming trip to Uganda with the mistress. Interesting. Seemed like he was running.
The big shocker came three days after that. A message I had to read several times to grasp the meaning of. It initiated from a band in the town where he was staying. It seems they were looking for payment for a wedding they had recently performed at. His wedding.
Oops.
That started the chain that led to his arrest and bigamy charge.
There has been quite a bit of discourse over the last few years about the relative happiness and health of people with different relationship statuses. Much of the popular literature has given the impression that married people are happier; therefore, become married to improve your well-being. The problem with this position is that they are confusing correlation with causation. Doesn’t it make more sense that happy people are more likely to get and stay married than a ring possessing magical powers?
Whenever we rely on external sources for our fulfillment, well-being, and happiness, we will ultimately be disappointed. We have to find those things within ourselves before we can find a partner that can see them too and before we can see them in another. In order to be the best partner possible, we first must address ourselves:
How can you trust others, if you do not have trust in yourself?
How can you care for others, if you cannot care for yourself?
How can you have faith in others, if you do not have faith in yourself?
How can you be loyal to another, if you cannot be loyal to yourself?
How can you be responsible for another, if you cannot be responsible for yourself?
How can you be with another, if you cannot be with yourself?
How can you love another, if you cannot love yourself?
So, throw away the dictionary, and look to yourself before you look to marriage to make you happy and well.
Defenders of Marriage (Photo credit: Mike Licht, NotionsCapital.com)
Like most people, I never though much about bigamy. If pressed on the issue, I would have mentioned Showtime’sBig Love, where one man has several wives and they operate as a single family. When bigamy entered into my life, it was so absurd, so out there, that the only way that I could respond was with humor. Because bigamy is not normally discussed in polite company, I had some issues arise that I wasn’t sure how to handle gracefully.
There was an 8 month period that the two of us were married to my ex. During this time, I referred to her as, “my husband’s wife.” This was wordy and awkward, and caused eyebrows to furrow in confusion. I needed a more direct and concise way to refer to her. I propose (no, not THAT kind of propose!) that we create the term, “wife-in-law” or “husband-in-law” to describe a spouse’s new spouse. Which I guess now makes her my ex-wife-in-law. And, if they are divorced, my ex-ex-wife-in-law. Damn. Wordy again.
Is it strange that I felt a bit slighted that I was not invited to their wedding? My understanding is that it is rude to invite one partner in a marriage and not the other to a co-ed event. It would have been even funnier if the invitation was addressed in the formal manner: Mr. and Mrs. Ex-Husband’s Name. It could get a bit confusing.
As it was, I didn’t find out about the wedding until a few days after it occurred. Then, I was left with the dilemma of a wedding gift. Is one obligated to purchase a gift for a spouse’s wedding? Or, did the fact that my paycheck purchase their wedding rings count as a gift? Maybe a congratulations card? Or, in this case, a condolence card to her?
You see, it all gets so confusing.
In all seriousness, I was glad to discover that he solidified the relationship with a felony. Unlike many caught in the crazy world of divorce, where one partner lies and manipulates the system to try to harm the other, creating an endless he-said, she-said, I had proof that my husband lied. I had irrefutable evidence of infidelity. I had a mugshot and a felony charge to support my case. I am thankful for all of that, but I am sorry that my ex-wife-in-law became another of his victims. I hope that she, too, has learned lessons from her marriage.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 