(In)closure

English: Inside the Zanana Enclosure
Image via Wikipedia

When my husband first left me with a text message, I was outraged.  I felt impotent, my voice stolen from me just when I had so much to say to him.  How could he leave me and give me no answers?  How could he disappear and not let me talk?  For months, I sought solace in the thought that I would be able to take the stand in the felony bigamy trial against him and again in the civil divorce case.  I held tight to the thought that he would have to face me then.  Then I would have my say.  Then I could have closure.

As events unfolded, I learned the bigamy would be settled with a diversion and no trial would be forthcoming.  The divorce ended much the same way; I saw him, but was not allowed to speak to him.

So, there I was.  Eight months had passed since the fateful day.  The two opportunities I saw for closure had come and gone.  I was at a crossroads; I could either come to terms with never having closure, or I could seek closure within myself.  I chose the latter.

The problem was, even though I had committed to a path, I had no idea how to move forward.  I thought about what would need to be true for me to not be stuck in the past, mired in the muck created by the whole experience. First, I realized that I would need to find a way to reframe the experience in a positive light.  That naturally paired with the wellness journey that I was on and that I help to guide others along as well.  I would need to have a clear picture of who I was in the marriage and what I could learn from going forward.  I knew that I would need to take back my voice, not to talk to him, but to share my story in a way that could help others.  Finally, and most importantly, I realized I needed to soften towards him, replacing some of the anger with compassion.  That last part was the hardest (and sometimes still is).

As I worked on these goals, I found that I began to develop a peace about what happened.  It gave me ownership and took me out of victimhood.  It shifted the power to me and I no longer needed him to find closure and move forward.  I found closure within.

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