Coping With Divorce – You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A F.A.Q. Guide to the online course, Thriving After Divorce: From Victim to Victor.

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Why did you create this course?

When I was in the early stages of my own divorce, I was desperate for help and yet frustrated with what I found. Every resource seemed to only apply to people who were undergoing “good” divorces. And mine was anything but. I wanted to create something that would help people regardless of the specifics of their situation and that could help people learn from (and move on from) even the worst situations.

Who can benefit from this course?

Do you feel like you’re merely surviving in your life and you want to fully thrive? Do you feel like the end of your marriage is still defining you and you’re ready to create your own meaning? Do you still find that you are overwhelmed with emotion that sneaks up on you and you want to regain a sense of control? Do you know where you want to be but you feel stuck where you are (especially due to factors outside of your control)? Are you tired of using your divorce as an excuse and you’re ready to learn how it can be your inspiration? Do you need a helping hand or a kick in the rear (or both!) but you don’t have the time and/or money to invest in traditional coaching sessions?

Then this course is for you.

Although the term, “divorce” is used throughout, this course is beneficial for anyone who has been through the end of a relationship and feels as though they are not living as fully as they can.

What can I expect to get out of the course?

After completing the course, you will gain a greater sense of responsibility and control over your own life and happiness by realizing how much power you have to change your responses. You will develop tools and strategies to address the negative emotions that arise and build confidence in your own strength. Finally, you will be able to gain a greater understanding of how your divorce fits into your larger life picture and perceive the lessons hidden within.

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How is the course organized and what does it contain?

The course is organized into 12 modules. Each module consists of two video entries that provide background information, motivation and inspiration.

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The videos are followed by a Call to Action, which give you specific strategies to address the focus of the module. These are divided into three sections: Think (affirmations and quotes to help shift your thoughts), Write (a total of 7 journal prompts per module) and Do (easy-to-implement, concrete actions that put your thoughts and writing into action).

Why did you chose these 12 areas?

These 12 areas grew out of my coaching practice and interaction with readers. Over the past several years, I have found that these are the most common areas where people feel “stuck” after divorce.

Why do you include journaling in the program?

I am a strong believer in the benefits of journaling, especially when it is designed to encourage forward thought and action. The words we say to ourselves truly have power, especially when they are written. It is the bridge between thought (where it begins) and action (where the magic happens).

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There are two types of writing exercises in the course. The first is a journal following my three-section design: past/pain, present/problem-solving and future/hope. You are provided a prompt for each section that helps you purge the negative emotions, process your thoughts and leaves you excited about the potential. The second type of exercise is in the form of an unsent letter. You are provided with a prompt and the addressee for each one. It’s amazing how powerful it feels to express your thoughts to those that harmed you – even if the draft remains unsent.

Don’t worry if you’re not a writer. These are personal exercises and the benefit is in the doing, not in the craftsmanship.

Do I have to commit to a certain schedule or sequence?

This is the beauty of a digital coaching course – you complete what you want, when you want. Although the modules do build upon each other to some extent, they are completely autonomous and can be completed in any order.

How long does it take to complete the course?

To fully complete the course and participate in all of the exercises, it will take a minimum of a few months if you work at it consistently. Or, if you prefer, you can participate as the need arises. Again, the course is self-paced and personalizable to your needs.

Can you tell me more about the platform? Is it secure? Can I use it on my phone or tablet?

The course is available on Udemy, a well-known and well-respected teaching and learning platform. You can access the program at any time on your computer via your browser or through a free app on your phone or tablet.

Does my access ever expire?

Nope! You have unlimited access whenever you want!

I’m doing the program and I have a question. Is there support available?

Sure! You can either start a discussion on the course site if you want the input of the community or you can email me if you want my support.

You’ve put your life on hold long enough.

Start living today!

Why settle for good when you can be even better?

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6 Steps For Moving On After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve had so many people contact me looking for a specific action plan to move on after divorce. And I’m working on something along those lines. Something big. And also something time-consuming, so you’ll have to be patient:)

In the meantime, here’s something to get you started if you are finding yourself paralyzed with inaction. I’ve broken it down into six steps. I know that sometimes moving on feels impossible; just focus on one step at a time. And then the next.

Belief

Hope. Faith. Trust. Whatever you call it, it starts here. If you believe you won’t be able to move on, your thoughts will help to keep you anchored. If you have conviction that the best is yet to come, you open the door. The way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel. What seems of such critical importance right now will in time, feel inconsequential. At this step, you do not need to know how you will get there, you just have to believe that you will.

Decision

The Secret isn’t enough. It takes more than positive thought to create change. You have to make your “hope” an active verb. This is a difficult step and a critical one. It’s easy to bypass and then get stuck further along. At this point, your job is to make the decision to move on. Make it your mantra. Don’t just say it, feel it. Be so committed to moving on that you won’t let anything get in your way. Channel your inner bull and use that stubbornness to take the next step.

Plan

I’m assuming your basic goal is to feel better, put this behind you and be happy again. Awesome goal. Now, break it down. Even smaller. This step can feel overwhelming if you are focusing on something too big. Small and doable is better than big and overwhelming any day. Baby steps will still get you to the finish line.

Start with one or two specific areas you want to change. Problem solve and brainstorm some potential solutions.

Tired of the crying that keeps you up at night? Maybe purge your thoughts in a journal before bed. Or redirect your thoughts with a funny show. Or take a walk to reset your brain.

Be specific.

Be measurable.

Be actionable.

It matters less what it is than that you have identified an area to focus on and thought of something to try. And make sure those plans are in writing; it helps with the next steps.

Action

So, you believe you can move on. You’ve dug in your heels and declared you’re going to do it. And you’ve even identified one or two changes you can make to help get you there.

Fantastic.

Now do it.

Accountability

Change is hard. And when that change is all mucked up with emotion? Yeah. Not impossible. Not by a long shot. But definitely harder.

So, find a way to hold yourself accountable. Start by making your plan highly visible. Track your progress. Share your journey with others.

You cannot outsource healing; you have to do it yourself. Be careful not to fall into the trap of, “I’ll do … as soon as (anybody that you cannot control) does …” You’ll be waiting a long time. And remember, you’re too stubborn to let anybody or anything hold you back.

Here’s a whole list of ways to help make your change lasting change.

Reflection

So you’ve made it this far. Maybe you’re thinking, “Cool. I feel better.” Or, more likely, you’re more, “I’m still kind of sucky. Maybe it’s a bit better, but I’m not sure.”

Remember how I said the way you feel now is not the way you’ll always feel? Well, we often also believe that the way we feel now is the way we’ve always felt. So dig into that journal. Look back at emails or posts. Evaluate your progress. Have you taken a baby step (or two)? They’re hard to see until you look back.

How is your action plan working? Does it need a tweak? Do you need a new focus? No problem. These steps for moving on aren’t linear. Take them as many times as you need to.

So believe you can. Decide you will. Plan your approach. Take the steps. Accept responsibility. And welcome perspective.

You got this.

Related: 6 Reasons You’re Having Trouble Moving On

Five Years Ago Today

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Five years ago today, I awoke afraid of seeing the man who had abandoned me eight months before. And when he passed me in the courthouse hall, I didn’t even recognize him.

Five years ago today, I was ready for the divorce I never wanted from the man I thought I knew.

Five years ago today, I sat in a courtroom with the man I had spent half of my life with. A man I once considered my best friend. We never made eye contact.

Five years ago today, I looked at his face for any sign of the man I had loved.  I saw none. After sixteen years, he was truly a stranger to me.

Five years ago today, I sat alone in a hallway waiting for the attorneys to decide his fate and mine. Hoping that the judge saw through his lies and would not fall sway to him charms. She didn’t, even asking my husband’s attorney if he was “psycho.” The lawyer could only shrug.

Five years ago today, I cried and shook with the realization that it was all over. It was a relief and yet the finality was jarring.

Five years ago today, I felt a heaviness lift as I cut the dead weight of him from my burden. I believed I couldn’t begin to heal until his malignancy had been removed.

Five years ago today, I laughed when I learned he hadn’t paid his attorney. I had warned the man my husband was a con. Maybe he believed me now.

Five years ago today, I held tightly to that decree, still believing that its declarations had power. I felt relief that he would have to pay back some of what he stole from the marriage. The relief was short lived.

Five years ago today, I took my first steps as a single woman. Steps I never expected to take. The first few were shaky. But I soon started to find my stride.

Five years ago today, I sat around a restaurant table with friends and my mother. A table that had held my husband and I countless times over our marriage. We celebrated the end of the marriage that night. I had celebrated my anniversary there the year before.

Five years ago today, I read my husband’s other wife’s blog for the last time, curious if she would mention anything about the court date. She did not. I erased the URL from my history. It no longer mattered.

Five years ago today, I sealed the piles of paperwork from the divorce and the criminal proceedings into a large plastic tub. As the lid clicked in place, I felt like I was securing all of that anguish in my past.

Five years ago today, I started to wean myself off of the medication that allowed me to sleep and eat through the ordeal. I was thankful it had been there, but I no longer wanted the help.

Five years ago today, I fell asleep dreaming of hope for the future rather than experiencing nightmares of the past.

And now, five years on, I could not be happier with where I am.

Not because of the divorce.

But because losing everything made me thankful for everything.

Because being blind made me learn how to see.

Because being vulnerable created new friendships and bonds.

Because being destroyed made me defiantly want to succeed.

And because losing love made me determined to find it again.

I am happier than I’ve ever been.

And I could not be where I am without five years ago today.

The Shortcut for Healing After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Every spring, I hear a common refrain in my classroom. Almost as predictable and consistent as the tree frogs singing outside.

We are at the point in the curriculum where topics have built and overlapped upon each other until a single problem can take up half of a piece of paper. Each day, as I painstakingly go over each step (after anchoring the new material to the known and illustrating the meaning behind the process), I inevitably hear a voice, “Okay, so what’s the shortcut?” And then, since 8th graders are famous for tuning out, I hear the same question repeated throughout the class.

And I have to be the one to break it to them.

There is no shortcut.

There is only process.

One step at a time that breaks the seemingly insurmountable heap of algebra into smaller and smaller digestible pieces.

Until the x has been stripped of all its mystery and power and isolated on the other side of the equal sign.

I hear a similar refrain the newly divorced throughout the year. The words vary, but the intent is the same:

“What’s the shortcut to healing?”

And I have to be the one to break it to them.

There is no shortcut.

There is only process.

One step at a time that breaks the seemingly insurmountable heap of hurt into smaller and smaller digestible pieces.

Until the ex has been stripped of all his or her mystery and power and isolated on the other side of the mental divide.

I teach my students about the power of intention. I coach them to remind themselves at the outset of a problem what they are trying to accomplish. Then, at each step along the way, I ask them to question if that choice helps them reach their stated goal.

As newly-minted mathematicians, they make mistakes and often work inefficiently. Yet, if they keep their goal in mind, they get there, even if it takes more paper or the use of an eraser. And, by remembering their intention, they know when they are finished and the goal has been reached.

Healing is no different. Set your intention at the outset. What are you trying to accomplish? Before you act, ask yourself if it helps you move towards your goal. If you misstep, don’t stop. Simply back up and try a new path.

I work to set a classroom environment where mistakes are opportunities and it is okay to ask for assistance. I alternately push them and praise them as I move them along. I aim for them to always be a little uncomfortable; too easy and they don’t grow, too hard and they give up in frustration.

Make your environment a positive one. Surround yourself with the right people. Learn from mistakes. Ask for help when you need it. And strive to keep yourself just a little bit out of your comfort zone. That’s where the magic happens.

When my students ask me about a shortcut, I try to listen to their complaints. Yes, I admit to them, the process is somewhat arduous and has places where they may falter. Yes, I agree with their cries, that that they may make many mistakes and that starting over is both frustrating and disheartening. And yes, I empathize with their pleas, that they wish they didn’t have to do this.

And after I listen, I reassure.

Yes, you may stumble. And if you keep moving towards your goal, you will get there.

Yes, it will be difficult sometimes. And when you reach your goal, you will be stronger than ever before.

Yes, there are times it will feel impossible. And you will feel so amazing when you accomplish the impossible.

Yes, I will be here for you when you need me. And I will help you need me a little less every day.

Yes, you can do this. And once you believe you can, you will.

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Finding Happiness After an Unwanted Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
unwanted divorce

My divorce certainly did not present itself as a gift, trussed up with a big red bow like a Lexus in a Christmas commercial. Instead, it was a big ugly box, filled to the brim with explosives. It was a present I never anticipated and one I never desired. But, as it came with a “no return” policy, I was determined to make the best of it. From Rewrapping Divorce As a Gift

When you are facing down the bullet train of a divorce you never wanted and cannot seem to halt, all you can think about is the devastation of losing your marriage. Your partner. Your best friend. The pain is unimaginable and a future without your spouse feels impossible.

I know. I’ve been there.

And I’ve also made it through.

Now, over five years out, I can say that my tsunami divorce was the worst thing to ever happen to me.

And also the best.

Sometimes you have to lose what you wanted.

To get what you need.

And sometimes you have to decide you want to feel better.

More than you want to hold onto the past.

Let Go of the Marriage You Thought You Had

You didn’t have a good marriage.

Maybe you thought you did. Maybe you still do.

But the truth is that it wasn’t the marriage you thought you had. Because if it was good, it would not be ending.

I had the hardest time accepting that truth. From my perspective, my marriage was great. And sometimes, when I think back at the wonderful moments we shared, I still do. I was happy. I had a good marriage.

But he didn’t. And it wasn’t.

In some ways, that realization was freeing. The divorce wasn’t the end of something good. It was the end of something broken. Even if I didn’t see the cracks.

You didn’t have the marriage you thought you had. It’s time to let it go.

I know his name. His face. His birthday. His social security number. His family. Yet I still do not know who he is. However, I can tell you who he was. He was my best friend. My lover. My confidant. He was the man who built a toy chest for our friend’s son’s birthday. He was the man whose scent instantly calmed me and whose arms held me like they were molded from my frame. He was a voracious reader and he devoured science fiction and fantasy novels. His favorite series was The Dark Tower, by Stephen King. He hated tomatoes and loved Sweetwater IPA. He preferred dark clothes and refused to wear V-necks. He wore his watch on his right wrist, the face to the inside of his arm. He was the man who patiently built me an office and then rebuilt it for me when I grew weary of the desk where I spent hours writing papers. He was a quick learner, but a poor student in school. He was a fan of Apple, Banana Republic, and Alice in Chains. He was never athletic due to bad knees, although he started to work out once the pounds encroached with age.  He was the man who stayed up all night for a week with our third puppy who came to us with kennel cough. He was so confident that I would win Teacher of the Year, that he ordered flowers before the votes were announced. He was the man I turned to for advice and comfort. He was my everything.

He was all of these things, yet he was also the man who left his wife of ten years with a text message. He was the man who hid debts and stole money from accounts. He was the man who wooed an innocent woman, told her nothing but lies, and married her although he was already wed. He was the man that locked the dogs in the basement and drove off, not knowing that they would survive. From Who Is He?

It’s Okay to Grieve. And It’s Okay to Move On.

An unwanted divorce is an enormous loss. You are losing the image you had of your spouse and your marriage. You are losing your present life. And you are even losing your hopes and dreams for the future. It touches every area of your life.

It’s okay to mourn the loss of what was and what would be.

I spent hours keening in my room, my pillow muffling my cries so that couldn’t be heard. I ran hundreds of miles with tears streaming down my cheeks, blurring the path in front of me. I would pick up the phone, just wanting to hear his voice, before I would remember that it wasn’t mine to hear anymore.

And I also made strides to begin my new life. I wrote and posted goals for the year. I made new friends and tried new things. I dreamed about what I wanted for my next chapter and started taking baby steps towards those aspirations.

By all means, grieve.

And also live.

I would have moments, even days, where the suffering was unseen. But its absence was always short-lived and my brain had a trigger-finger that would herald its return at the slightest provocation. My body held the memories like the discs in a juke-box, ready to play with the touch of a button. As long as I didn’t approach, I was okay. But as soon as I recounted the tale, my voice would tremble and the pain would come rushing back as though it had been lying in wait.

And so I kept telling the story. And with each retelling, the heartache faded a little more. And the suffering grew weaker. My once constant companion became like a distant friend – we may keep in touch on Facebook, but we have no real need for face to face. From The Evolution of Suffering

Don’t Sign Away Your Right to Happiness

It’s funny. In a divorce, people will fight over the house. The retirement. The cars. But they often forget to fight for what really matters.

Your own well-being.

Be too stubborn to allow your ex to control your happiness. They may have ended the marriage, but they didn’t end you.

My early inroads to happiness were initiated out of spite. I went to a party at the lake soon after the text, mentally saying, “I’ll show him that I can still laugh.” I accepted a date, thinking “I’ll show him that I’m still desirable.” I went hiking on “our” favorite trail, muttering “You can’t take this from me” with every step.

In time, my spite faded, but my tenacity did not.

I was more determined than ever to live a good life. To show that I am stronger than what happened to me.

If you can’t because of, smile in spite of.

I began to realize that by telling him that he made me happy, I was putting all of the responsibility for my own well-being on his shoulders.  That is a huge burden to carry and one that was unfair to him.  I had given him the power to make me happy.  Which means he also had the power to make me unhappy.

If I had left that power in his hands, he would have packed up my happiness with the rest of his belongings when he walked out the door.  I snatched it back from him, determined to find a way to regain ownership of my well-being. From You Make Me Happy

Just Because You Can’t Picture It, Doesn’t Mean You Can’t Create It

It’s difficult to imagine things that we have not experienced. It is one of the reasons that we fear loss more than we value gain. And when you’re trying to picture a life without your spouse after an unwanted divorce? The brain simply seizes, locking in on what is missing.

Your brain is only telling you part of the story. Yes, there is loss. And there is also possibility.

In the beginning, all I could think about was that I wanted what I had had. Then I realized I could create something even better.

It’s hard in the beginning to think about your future, unbound by the marriage you thought you would have forever. We tend to limit our thoughts and, in turn, ourselves.

The ending may have been unwanted. Now create a life you want.

Bloom where you’re planted.

Everything’s going to be okay.

That was my mantra for that first, awful post-divorce year.

Everything’s going to be okay.

I would repeat those words in my head as I lay sleepless every night.

Everything’s going to be okay.

My friends and family would offer those words as comfort, reminding me that the “now” was not the always.

Everything’s going to be okay.

I imagined some future where he would face consequences and I would be relieved of mine.

Everything’s going to be okay.

Sometimes, I railed against that platitude, uncertain how anything could ever be okay again.

Everything’s going to be okay.

But still, I held onto those words like a life raft, wanting to be pulled free from the pain.

Everything’s going to be okay.

Those words were my Xanax against the panic, the overwhelming fear of unwanted change.

Everything’s going to be okay.

One day I realized that it really was okay. Maybe it wasn’t the okay I imagined, but it was okay nonetheless. From Everything’s Going to Be Okay

Different Can Be Good. Or Even Better.

Yes, it is hard adapting to life after an unwelcome divorce. You are forced to change when you were happy with the status quo. It’s not fair. Life rarely is.

You can’t go back. But you can always move on.

And one day you just might find that you’re happy that your life didn’t go as planned.

I know I am.

So now here I am. Open and bleeding. No walls, no buried head. I need to learn to be here, to stay vulnerable, without allowing myself to panic and either hide or grasp too tightly. It’s not easy. It doesn’t feel safe.

I want reassurances. Promises. But the truth? That’s only a bandaid. I need to relax and breathe through my fear. I know I’ll be okay, I just need to do a better job of convincing myself. After all, the only true abandonment is when we abandon our true selves. And that’s one I can control. From Vulnerable

Here’s my personal message to those in acute divorce pain. In it, I give some strategies for moving on when all you want is for everything to be the way it was.

And a dose of laughter and truth:

photo 2-104So get out there and live!