Tabula Rasa Redux

Posted on by stilllearning2b
Piece of chalk and blackboard
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The end of my marriage has led to some new traditions for me.  One of those is the need for a periodic wiping of the slate, a tabula rasa of sorts where I disengage from my normal surroundings for a brief period and ensconce myself in a new environment surrounded by strangers.  I feel pulled to do this, an itching that consumes me until I make the arrangements.

Part of this need is simply a break from my normal routine.  My daily life is very scheduled and planned.  As a teacher, one day looks much like the next and my days are broken down into almost-identical segments separated by a bell.  Outside of school is not much better, as I have to carefully plan workouts, menus, newsletter writing, and shopping lists to make sure that everything happens.  Sometimes, I just need a break where I do not have to think about next week’s menu or tomorrow’s lesson plan.  I need to be able to flow through the day, unconcerned with the arrival of second period or getting to the store before the post-church rush. A new environment with no one to care for but myself allows me to be in the moment without having to plan for the next.

I also enjoy the anonymity of these trips.  The blank box of a hotel room, navigating through crowds alone, slipping through the town leaving only the traces I choose, all give me a sense of freedom.  It is a time for reflection and rebirth.  My spirit and creativity feel refreshed by the lack of definition.  It gives me a chance to see myself without the decorations of daily life.

My need for adventure is also satisfied through these jaunts.  I enjoy exploring a new environment, exposure to new sights and sounds.  There is not much opportunity in my daily life to stimulate curiosity, so I try to inoculate with a large dose periodically.

This blank slate trip is an over-nighter to a nearby city, deferring to time and money constraints.  It is a city I have driven through, but never visited.  It is nothing special, but it is new to me.   I hope to visit the botanical gardens and the art museum.  I want to run the trails of a nearby state park and enjoy the springtime vistas.  I desire to walk the “funky” shopping streets, as I thrive off the energy in those areas.  I may venture into a venue for live music, or I may spend the evening in meditation.  It doesn’t matter. I can flow with my rhythm and not worry about an agenda.

So here goes tabula rasa redux IV, where I can clean off the residue of daily life and emerge refreshed and invigorated.

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I Was Lucky

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.

Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It is not unusual to experience loneliness during and after a divorce.  After all, you have not only lost your life partner, but often extended family and friends, as well.  Adding to that, divorce can be isolating.  It is all-consuming and others often tire of its dominance in your life.  It seems a cruel joke; when we need others the most, we can easily find ourselves alone.

I realized how alone I was when I could go places without needing to leave a message of when I would be back.  I would pick up the phone to share something I saw and realize that I had nobody to share it with.  When I was sick, there was nobody to send to the store for Gatorade and Sudafed.  The bed felt empty.  My heart felt emptier.

I very intentionally surrounded myself with people.  At first, this made me feel even more alone, as I felt like an interloper, a pariah with my pain.  I played the part, acting as though I felt included, until I actually did.  I realized that the feeling of isolation was my perspective, not reality, and I can change my perspective.

The Three Factors of Loneliness | The Emotionally Sensitive Person.

States of Matter

Posted on by stilllearning2b
English: The liquid helium is in the superflui...
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Which state of matter best describes you?

Solids are comprised of tightly packed molecules.  They are rigid, holding their own shape.  The atoms that make up a solid are stuck, their movement compromised by the proximity of their neighbors.  If you are a solid, you are fixed in your life.  Your environment does not impact your shape, as you resist influence from your surroundings.  If too much resistance is applied, a solid crumbles and fragments, but it takes quite a bit for this to occur.  Solids are consistent, yet their stalwart nature can make them vulnerable to fragmentation or erosion.

The particles that form liquids are freer to move, yet they posses cohesive properties that encourage them to remain in proximity to each other.  The defining characteristic of a liquid is that it takes the shape of its container.  If you are a liquid, you allow the environment to shape you, yet you maintain a a sense of self held in the solidarity of your component parts.  You naturally flow, yet can move against the pull of gravity when effort is applied.  You are resistant to pressure, yet accepting of influence.

Gasses are the free spirits of the chemical world; their particles enjoy total freedom at the expense of identity.  The atoms and molecules in a gas will expand to fill its container as they bounce around with no thought to each other.  If you are gas, you push against the constraints of your environment, constantly looking for a way out.  The application of pressure simply intensifies this effect.  You are free, open to anything, yet may not have a developed sense of self, as your component parts do not blend.

States of matter can be changed.  Apply enough heat to a solid and it softens, liquifies.  Apply too much perhaps, and you lose your substance as it evaporates.  On the other hand, compress freely moving molecules hard enough, and you transition them to a liquid and eventually a solid.

In my own life, I strive to be a liquid.  I want to be unified and have a definable self, yet I want to be open to influence.  I desire to be able to relax and go with the flow, yet also be able to move against the current at will.  The pressures I have faced have forced internal cohesion and the warmth from those around me has kept me soft and pliable.  I try to monitor the dials and switches on my internal chemistry set to maintain this optimal balance despite the impact of the environment.

 

Marathon Motivation

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s time for another race.

I ran my first race, a half marathon,  3 months after he left.  I signed up because I needed a challenge.  I needed something tangible that I could overcome in a set amount of time.  I needed to prove to myself that I had the strength, both mental and physical, to push through and endure.  Training gave me a focus, a purpose.  At that time, it served as motivation to eat so that I could gain enough weight to handle the distance.  It kept me moving on days I wanted to stutter to a stop.  The race gave me a reason regain my physical health and an outlet for my mental health; that first race both gave me a reason to get well and proof that I could endure.

Although I ran many more races, my next challenge was Tough Mudder the following year.  The motivation this time was somewhat different.  I saw this as an opportunity to overcome the adversity with a partner, my boyfriend of less than a year at that point.  It was a test of trust, of bonding, of partnership.  Sharing the experience and overcoming the obstacles together brought us closer. The physical demands also stepped up my game; the half marathon I ran 7 days later was a mere blip on the screen after what those crazy Mudders put me through.

It’s been a year and I haven’t faced another challenge.  It’s time for another race.

I’ve signed up for a marathon this fall.  My first.  I’m doing this one alone, in contrast to the first two.  This will be my longest distance by far; I have yet to run more than 15 miles in a stretch.  But that’s not really the challenge.  I’ve shied away from this ultimate run in the past because of the training requirements; they are quite daunting.  My challenge this time and my motivation is to learn how to maintain balance in my life even when something is pulling at me like an impatient toddler.  I want to complete the training without being consumed by the training.  I need to prove to myself that I can tackle a challenge and continue to live in the process. So, here’s to 26.2!

I’m a little afraid of what next year might bring if I continue this pattern…