Four Types of Marital Abandonment You Need to Know About

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I filed for a “fault” divorce (which, in retrospect, was a mistake), one of the reasons cited was “marital abandonment.” It was a clear call – he walked out of the house and out of my life, leaving everything behind in order to start a new life in a new state. It’s the textbook form of abandonment we’re all familiar with, a sudden and complete severing of the marital ties.

But it’s not the only way that a spouse can desert their marriage. These other forms of abandonment may be more subtle, but their impact is no less excruciating.

It’s important for us to be aware of the ways that we may be rejecting our spouses and if we’re on the receiving end, it’s helpful to understand what is happening.

 

Physical Abandonment

Physical abandoment can occur even when the body remains in the shared home. It can take the form of reduced affection, touching less and less as the years progress. Sometimes it’s a literal turning away when one partner bids for attention, leaving the request for physical contact unfullfilled. Other times, physical abandonment occurs in a more subtle way, a slow decline over time.

This type of abandonment can also be sexual, where one parter desires sexual connection and the other continually rejects their advances. Even when this rejection originates from valid concerns (such as illness that makes sexual contact difficult or painful), the partner who desires the physical contact tends to feel abandoned.

For many of us, touch is an important part of feeling loved. Feeling desired. And so when that touch is removed from a relationship, we feel discarded and worthless.

 

Attentional Abandonment

We all want to be seen, especially by the person that we love. Attentional abandonment occurs when we feel invisible within our own home as our spouse’s focus is directed elsewhere for extended periods of time. This can often be seen after the birth of a child, when the infant becomes the sole focus and the spouse is moved to the periphery. It also happens when one – or both – partners are focused on work, ailing family members, other people or hobbies.

Every marriage goes through patches of attentional abandonment with outside responsibilities have to take priority for a time. The problem arises when it becomes habitual and energy is continually funneled outside the marriage.

Without attention, a marriage, like a lawn, will whither. Whatever you nurture, grows.

 

Emotional Abandonment

When one person shares their emotional state with the other, it is a time of vulnerability. And when the response is dismissive or lacking, it leaves the vulnerable person feeling stranded without support or validation. When this is a continual pattern, it often leads to withdrawal and a lack of trust.

A lack of emotional connection weakens a marriage and can lead to a situation here two people are living alongside each other instead of living with each other. Ideally, each person can feel like the other has their back – both physically AND emotionally.

 

Spiritual Abandonment

This type of desertion can be as clear as one partner renouncing the faith that was a cornerstone of the relationship from the beginning. But it can also be beneath the surface of the marriage. All relationships have certain key values and goals and that center – family, personal growth, financial success, etc. And when one person in the marriage no longer holds those same guiding values, it leaves the other feeling discarded.

Of course, each person has the right and the freedom to shift their values and driving principles over time. Regardless of how it is handled, one partner may feel abandoned by the other. However, when there is open communication, the feeling of personal rejection will be lessened.

No matter what the intentions of our partners, we all can feel rejected sometimes. But there are ways that we can limit this reaction. Overall, feelings of abandonment are increased when the changes are abrupt and there is no discussion of the situation. When we feel like we understand why the withdrawal is occurring, we are less likely to take it personally and less likely to view it as a desertion of the marriage.

Marital Climate vs. Marital Weather

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been an odd winter in the Southeast this year. We’ve had record rainfall and relatively moderate temperatures. The near-constant flooding has meant that most of the trails (many of which run alongside streams in low-lying areas) have been inaccessible and even damaged from the fast flowing water.

Without perspective, you might easily assume that Atlanta is always partially aquatic and rarely blessed with sun. But of course, that’s far from true. The error comes when weather, which is temporary and always-changing, is confused with the general patterns and tendencies of climate.

And we often make that same error in judgment when it comes to our relationships.

It’s an easy mistake to make, getting lost in the trees and failing to see the forest. We get so caught up in each moment and allow our emotional responses to situations, both good and bad, to accentuate certain traits while dismissing others.

We can confuse a distressing moment with an unhappy union. Decide that a misspoken comment is a sign of complete decimation. Or, conversely, we can ignore a pattern of poor behavior in exchange for the periodic and passing warmth of a kind word or loving embrace.

Every marriage has storms where the battering winds cause the very foundation to tremble. All marriages have periods of drought, leaving both parties feeling desiccated and shriveled. It’s the rare union that doesn’t experience the occasional chill, the blocks of ice preventing true connection. And most marriages have those perfect sunny days when the warmth permeates your very soul and you feel relaxed and secure.

And just like with the weather outside our windows, it’s easy to form judgments about the relationships within our walls based on what’s happening at a specific time. We stay with people that are bad for us because they can make us feel good in the moment. Or we begin to tell ourselves that our marriage is troubled after a rare deluge. And then, all too easily, that story can become taken as fact.

So before you have yourself convinced that your tundra-like union is happy because the temperatures occasionally rise above freezing or that your totally normal midwestern marriage is in shambles because of a rare flood, look at the bigger picture. Marital climate is defined by the trends, not by the moments within. And sometimes you just have to wait out the rain, trusting that the usual sun will shine again.

Money Talks

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s always about so much more than money, isn’t it?

It’s amazing how much emotion and self-image can become tied up in the amount of money coming in and in how the money goes out.

And how something that at its essence is pretty basic can become the basis for such elaborate reactions and over-reactions.

We lose sleep about money. Lose friends over money. Lose our minds over money.

And if you’ve faced financial betrayal?

Yeah.

Let’s say it’s easy to just plain lose it.

I hate the way the financial betrayal has impacted my relationship with money. It has taken what used to be a healthy respect and responsible frugality and twisted it into something shame-tinged and focused on avoiding scarcity. It has made money a focus for me in a way I despise. I feel like a starving person at a buffet. I want to pile it all on my plate, but I’m afraid to take a bite in case it makes me sick.

And I hate it.

After being robbed behind my stupidly naive and trusting back, I now obsessively controlling my own funds. I breathe a little easier when my credit score rises a point (happy dance time!), my student loan balance decreases or when I sock away another few hundred towards the car I’ll need soon (not too soon, please!!!).

I am always careful to make sure that I can survive on my own if I should have to (smart) and yet I don’t relax into the financial reality I have with my husband (not too smart). I don’t spend money I don’t have (smart), but I also don’t spend money that I have and should (not so smart says my feet in too-old running shoes).

And the dumbest thing? The part I really beat my head against the wall about? After my ex’s financial secrecy, you would think I would want it all laid out (that would be smart). But I have trouble talking about it (dumb, dumb, dumb). My now-husband has none of the tuck-it-under-the-covers approach that my ex perfected (thank goodness!) and so there’s nothing hidden to uncover. Yet, when he innocuously brings up something about money, my stomach still does a little somersault. Just a baby one. But a tumble nonetheless.

And when I have to bring it up? I think I get a cartwheel.

And the really crazy thing?

I’m talking about zero-stress (at least on his part), no conflict discussions.

For example…

We usually split most home renovation/repair costs on a percentage split based upon relative income. Sometimes he picks up a little more if I happen to be strapped at that point. And he does this without comment or complaint.

This season, adding some landscaping is in the plans. As I started stalking nurseries (NOT the kind that house children!) and making lists, he said more than once, “Just tell me how much you need.”

A side note here, I promise not to turn this blog into a gardening forum. But you will probably be subjected to some (okay, maybe more than some) plant pictures and, knowing me, some far-out gardening analogies that I somehow manage to relate to relationships.

And I figured out last weekend about how much I would need. And I felt like it was too much. So I worried it around in my head until tonight, when I finally asked him.

His response? “Sure. When do you need it?”

He has a much more balanced relationship with money than I do. Obviously.

And I’m working on it. My little monthly Birchbox is a baby step. The first of many.

Our good friend just left here with our tax info (it’s awesome to have a friend who is also an accountant). We talked for a while about money and its entanglement with our psyche.

And he reminded me about the importance of a mindset of abundance.

I have that image in my mind for my garden. Maybe it’s time to allow that image to spread.

Marital Limbo

Posted on by stilllearning2b
marital limbo

We had one of our good friends over the other evening. He was recently divorced when I met him a few years ago, although Brock knew him through much of his marriage. In the past several years, he’s been dating, at times sporadically and at other times with more intent. He even contemplated moving in with one woman not all that long ago.

So I was shocked when I heard these words out of his mouth the other night –

“I never want to get married again.”

I was shocked, not because I think marriage is the best answer for everyone. And I certainly understand shying away from matrimony after enduring the pain of divorce. I was shocked because marriage seems to fit him. He’s stable, healthy and loyal. He has goals and doesn’t shy from hard work to achieve them. He has grown as a person and has developed many healthy relationships around him. When dating, he is a serial monogamist, developing deep relationships with one woman at a time. And I’ve never sensed any bitterness about his past.

So why the anti-marriage stance?

And then yesterday, I read this post from Matt over at Must Be This Tall To Ride. He talks about the time spent in marriage limbo when he slept in the guest bedroom for over a year. I winced while reading it; it certainly sounded like a special kind of hell. Neither married nor single. Like living in a home destroyed by a flood, yet unwilling or unable to let it go.

And I thought about my friend. He lived in marriage limbo for a long time. He was married, yet in the most important ways, had no wife. They orbited around each other with little chance of connection. And when they did connect, it was ugly. The divorce, in many ways, was a relief. An untethering to a lame duck marriage.

His memory of marriage is not a good one; what was good has been sullied by the time spent in limbo. No wonder he is shying away.

My experience could not have been more different. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. I never visited that marital land of neither here nor there. I was in marriage heaven and then instantly plummeted into the fires when it ended. My bad memories are not of marriage, but of marriage ending.

So perhaps that’s part of why I wanted to be married again.

 

My curiosity is piqued – is there a correlation between time spent in marital limbo and desire to be married again? What’s your story?