Are Expectations Dooming Marriage?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Expectations.

We build them up.

We revel in them.

And then, all too often, reality dashes them.

We hold them – the expectations and the actual – side by side and look for flaws, not unlike the drawings in the Hallmark magazines of our youth.

And we curse reality, bemoan our bad luck or grow angry at those who contributed to the failure of the imagined.

But maybe we’re directing our outrage the wrong direction.

Maybe it’s not reality that needs to change, but our expectations of it.

 

And now, more than ever before in history, we have very high expectations of marriage. Men and women no longer operate in defined domestic spheres, opening up vast swaths of terrain open to negotiation and yes, expectation. We are serenaded with romantic stories with all of the rough edges Photoshopped into perfection and we grow to expect our marriages to play out in kind. We expect our men to be emotional and our women to be equal wage earners, yet we don’t yet know how to negotiate the changes that ensue. We have lofty personal goals at the time of marriage and expect the marriage will support those goals. We marry young and carry the expectation that the chosen spouse will still be a match 50 or 60 or even 70 years down the line.

Expectations are not inherently damaging; they act as guides and as goals, especially when they reflect areas where you have control. Expectations become dangerous when they grow too strong and too broad, making assumptions about the behavior of others or of the stars.

The following are some of the potentially destructive expectations of marriage along with ways to shift those predictions into the realm of healthy and realistic:

 

He/she is my soulmate and will anticipate and meet all of my needs.

It used to be the expected norm that men and women would have many of their social needs met through same-gender friends. In our busy and transient lives, adult time with friends often gets shifted aside with the result of the spouse bearing the brunt of the social needs. It’s unfair and unrealistic to expect one person to meet (let alone anticipate) all of your needs. While most partners agree certain needs should only be met within marriage, there are many others that can be found through friends, classes or groups. If your spouse shares ALL of your interests, you are married to a mirror, not a person.

He/she will change after marriage (or the birth of a baby, or after the completion of school, etc.).

This is a dangerous expectation because it bases present decisions on imagined future results that are not under your control. Major events WILL  likely change your partner, but the change may not be in the direction you wanted. Make your decisions based upon the current day and the core traits that help one to navigate to change (adaptability, communication, perseverance) rather than hope alone. He or she may change but don’t assume.

The way things are in the beginning is the way they’ll always be.

The beginning of a relationship acts much like Photoshop; we filter out the negative and enhance the positive. Enjoy it. But don’t drown in it. Reality, when it comes, can be a bit of a shock, but it also carries with it the potential deeper trust and intimacy. Everything changes. To expect otherwise is to live in disappointment.

Good relationships don’t require effort and/or intention (i.e. work).

ANYTHING worthwhile in life requires effort. And that includes marriage. It shouldn’t feel like you’re slaving away in the salt mines every day but it also won’t always be a day at the beach. Know that some days will be harder than others and that, if done well, the work you put in will pay dividends in your marriage. A marriage that needs effort doesn’t mean it’s not good; it just means that it is a union between two humans.

We will grow together through life’s difficulties.

I wish this was always true. But statistics prove otherwise. Marriages are more likely to fall apart during times of strain: death or illness of a child, infertility, unemployment. We expect that the way we feel and the way we demonstrate those feelings about the event in question is the same way our spouse feels. There are no magic salves for relationships weathering crisis, but you can strive to make sure you are a strong team before the wave hits.

 

So, what are realistic expectations of marriage?

A partnership built upon shared goals and values that operates with mutual respect and fidelity. A marriage that is not perfect and two people who accept imperfections in themselves and their partner. A union that does not meet all of your needs but that acts as a safe haven where you can be vulnerable and intimate. A merger of two people who are willing to take responsibility and work for the betterment of both.

Marriage can be wonderful. But it won’t ever be perfect.

Make sure your expectations are in line.

Guest Post: Time Wasted…Or Holy Crap, Time Flies When You Are With the Wrong Person

Posted on by stilllearning2b

While I am away for a few days, I am sharing a series of guest posts from some awesome bloggers. This one is from Cory Pasqualetto, who blogs at Starting at the Start.

Cory writes about his experiences with two marriages and two divorces, the second ending with the dreaded, “I am not in love with you anymore,” and a replacement man already established. What I admire about Cory is his willingness to examine his own mistakes and accept feedback. But, most of all, his story reminds us all that the hardest creature to kill is the human spirit.

Time Wasted…Or Holy Crap, Time Flies When You Are With the Wrong Person

As a man who has been divorced once and is going through a second divorce, I sometimes wonder when, if ever, I will meet the “right” woman. Sure I have my faults and little idiosyncrasies that can drive a person nuts, but who doesn’t??

I have spent the last twenty-one years searching for “the one”. My first marriage was a disaster from the start. The first wife and I were young and stupid about a lot of things and we really should have never gotten married to begin with. We were married in 1997, four years after we started dating/living together. We thought we were perfect together. Sure, we had our fun times and the sex was great but in the end we were just wrong for one another. I grew up and she didn’t, so we separated in 2002. I tried several times to make it work over the next two years but after a short period of time, it would be right back to the same old arguments. So, I finally filed for divorce and we were divorced in 2004. Today the two of us are actually semi-decent friends and we can talk to one another without arguing.

My second marriage was to a woman who I have known all her life (I am 5 ½ years older than her). We partially grew up together. We had a kiddie “crush” on one another. She used to write my name on her school note books. We would talk all the time on the phone and then later on AOL IM. She would always give me her opinion on things and I would give her advice. We used to sneak off and make out whenever we could without my brother or her younger cousin following us. We knew one another inside out, forwards and backwards. So when we finally became a couple in 2006, there were no surprises or trying to act better that what we were. I always loved her and she always loved me; it was like a fairy tale. We were married four years later in 2010 (there’s those four years again!). I was very happy and content with everything including her. Then after almost four years of marriage, she hits me with “I’m not happy and I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”

So I did what I said I would always told her I would do out of respect and love for her if she ever wanted to end our relationship, I just left. To give some insight, we had a conversation at the beginning of our relationship, and during that conversation she told me that she did not want a fight if we ever split up (that should have been a HUGE red flag). In hindsight, I am glad that I did leave because I found out through friends that she was seeing someone for almost two months before she told me she wanted to be divorced. I even went as far as telling her I would forgive her and let’s take our separation for what it is. I would pay for us to go to a marriage counselor of her choice so we can work things out; she wanted no part of it. I came to find out “he” moved in the same week I moved out.

So here I am a little over six months later,  still wondering what went wrong. I also wonder if I have spent so much time looking for the right woman and ending up with the wrong one twice, when will I find the right one?

When I and my first wife separated/divorced I was upset, but I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do. If we had stayed together, we would have ended up killing one another. With the separation and impending divorce from my second wife, it has been a little different.

My second wife and I always had a great trusting friendship. I trusted her 1000% in our marriage and that turned out to be a major mistake on my part. When she told me on December 23, 2013 that she was not happy and wanted a divorce, I had a mental break with reality and just did not know what to say. So for the next eight days I just avoided her as much as possible and kept to myself. I found an apartment I could afford and gave her one chance to change her mind before I signed the lease. She said “no, this is what I want.” So, on January 1, 2014 I moved.

The first month I worked as much as possible as I hated going home to an empty apartment. I missed my wife, plain and simple. On February 2, 2014, I was involved in a car accident which left me without a car for the whole month. That is where everything finally hit me hard. I started to think too much and drink too much. I started a blog to work out my thoughts and feelings, which helped a bit. By the end of the month I had run through every emotion possible: hatred, envy, anger, sadness, and so on.   Most of it was directed towards my wife. On February 21, 2014, I drank two large bar sized bottles – one vodka and one rum – in the span of three hours. Somewhere in my drunken stupor I dialed 911 and hung up, at least that was what I was told by the State Trooper that woke me up as I was passed out on the floor.

I spent the weekend in the Adult Psychiatric ward of the local hospital. I spoke to my wife three times that weekend. The first time she called was to check on me and make sure I was all right, in which I hung up on her after telling her, “What do you care for?” The second time was on Saturday afternoon, in which I asked her again about the marriage counseling and she said she would think about it and let me know. The third time was on Sunday before I was released, I did not bring up anything but I could tell by the way she was speaking that she did not want to at least try to save our marriage. It was at that point I realized I was never going to be able to keep her as my wife and I also realized I’m done with everything.

So after that I just stopped caring about everything as I felt like the proverbial camel flat on the ground with five tons of straw on my back, if anybody wanted to add more then so be it, I just don’t care. The next four months has been a spiral effect from there, I left my job for higher paying one. After a little less than a month I lost that job, and then I lost my apartment. I am very close to losing my car as well at this point.

I am now in the process of rebuilding my life from the ground up, literally starting over. I am working part time at a fast food restaurant and living in my first wife’s mothers home (she felt sorry for me). I have lost everything and yet I don’t feel depressed or hurt. I actually feel great which is weird and scary at the same time.

I don’t hate my second wife for what she did to me as she was only looking out for herself and her needs. If she found the happiness she was looking for with the guy she is with now, then I am glad for her. I have too much to do to carry a hatred for her. I hurt absolutely, but I do have a wonderful friend who told me, “If she was that fast to hop in bed with another man, then she never truly loved you.” I use that as my mantra, as it helps me get through the day. I am just glad in a way it only took eight years to find this out, so at least I have a chance to find true love and happiness myself.

In writing all this, I am reminded of a movie called One Crazy Summer. In the beginning of the movie, the main character is drawing a cartoon that is in search of “love”. The one is search of love comes across the cute and fuzzy bunny gang and the bunnies start to tease him a la grade school style:

“Love would have nothing to do with such a stupid-looking creature,” said the first cute and fuzzy bunny.

“With that nose and those shoes. ”

“And that stomach. ”

“And those eyes. ”

“And those ears. “

“Roses are red, violets are blue but love will have nothing to do with you! ”

That kind of sums up how I feel most of the time lately, and yes it hurts, but for a brief few moments in my life I have been happy with life so I know I can be again.

To quote a Stevie Nicks song:

“I’ve reached in darkness and come out with treasure

I’ve laid down with love and I woke up with lies

What’s it all worth only the heart can measure

It’s not what’s in the mirror…but what’s left inside”

The above is so true….It’s not what I see in the mirror every morning, it’s what I feel inside, It’s what I want out of life. That is what keeps me going every day and pushes me to make each day a little better than the last.

I have come to the conclusion that we can’t base our relationships and marriages on which person is right for the now. We need to look deeper and find the right forever. My parents were married for 48 years, until my father’s death in 2001. My mother never dated anybody after he passed away. I asked my father a while back before I was married the first time “How come you and mom never got divorced?” His answer was very plain and simple –  “I love her and she loves me, yeah we fight but we still love one another the next morning.”

I asked my mother in 2011, ten years after my father passed away, “How come you never dated anyone after dad died?” She replied, “Your father was the only man I ever wanted; for me to date now would be a lie to myself and to whoever I am with.”

My parents had it right; they looked upon marriage like I look upon it –  a commitment for life. But for some strange reason, I have not gotten it “right” yet. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my second wife as I always have and more than likely always will. I still care for my first wife as well, but that is more because she is the mother of my children. So in the end I guess the third time’s the “charm” because I haven’t given up on the idea of marriage…at least not yet. I have faith in love, that is why I haven’t given up on the idea of marriage or love itself. I fully believe in the Bible’s description of love. It is an often quoted verse but few really take the time to understand it.

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things

I base my outlook on marriage by it. I have seen my parents fight and argue to no end, but yet they stayed together though all the drama. They were married in 1953 and, although they separated twice, they made it work. The key to me is if love is real, it endures.

 

 

 

Footprints on My Heart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The following was one of the responses to my most recent piece on The Good Men Project about how to love someone who is dealing with issues from past relationships:

 

“I however chose to heal alone and become complete and empowered before seeking a new love. The newly divorced me and the three years divorced me are two very different people and I choose different men also. My baggage was quite a weight to carry, but has made me stronger and I’m more skilled in moving through my life with it. I dont think I would be as adept had I dove into seeking assistance with it.”

 

In some respects, I completely agree with her. I was also significantly altered by my divorce and my interests and attractions changed as a result. I also fully support the idea that it is important to address your trauma and that it is necessary to be whole and happy on your own before you’re even ready to contemplate the idea of a new relationship. And, contrary to how she seems to view my situation, I certainly don’t support diving into a new relationship with the goal of being “saved.”

 

But from there, our opinions diverge.

 

It is not possible to completely heal alone.

Yes, you can learn how to be okay on your own. You can address any triggers or trauma that intrude upon your single life.

But as soon as a relationship enters the picture, new issues, related to the past, will emerge that were unnoticed while alone.

And you learn and adapt.

And then the relationship moves to another level, requiring additional vulnerability and trust. And again, the past will whisper.

So you learn and adapt again.

 

Healing is much more about experiences than time. And some of those experiences can only be done with another.

 

I find that each “first…since” is another trigger potential and another opportunity for healing –

The first time living with a man since my ex.

The first time trusting someone since my ex.

The first time buying a house since my ex.

The first basement-finishing project since my ex.

The first (and last!) time marrying since my ex.

And, soon, the first cruise since my ex (yippee!!!).

 

None of those are a sign that I am not healed enough to be in a relationship again. They are simply a sign that the past left its footprints on my heart.

And just like steps, they have to be taken one at a time.

 

 

My Story – Part 3

Posted on by stilllearning2b

So, I realized after I filmed this that I neglected to go into much detail about the time immediately following the suicide attempt (like the text conversation my husband had with my mom – yeah, weird) and what happened with the other wife at that time. All that is detailed in the book along with much more of the humor around the court craziness. It just gets too detailed to try to explain verbally and, truth be told, I wanted to get on to the better stuff:) Hopefully, I won’t make anybody cry with this one!

Before you watch Part 3, please make sure you’ve seen Part 1 and Part 2.

11 Tips For Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When we are young and our hearts are relatively intact, love seems to be an easy endeavor. Potential partners are everywhere and the possibilities seem endless. As we get older (or, as I prefer to think of it, wiser), love no longer seems so simple. We are more aware of the pitfalls and are more critical of potential partners. Our hearts are laced with cracks and we fear any other breakages. We become more accustomed to our ways and less likely to want to change them.

Finding love again is possible but it takes a different approach than before. Read the rest here.