While I am away for a few days, I am sharing a series of guest posts from some awesome bloggers. This one is from Cory Pasqualetto, who blogs at Starting at the Start.
Cory writes about his experiences with two marriages and two divorces, the second ending with the dreaded, “I am not in love with you anymore,” and a replacement man already established. What I admire about Cory is his willingness to examine his own mistakes and accept feedback. But, most of all, his story reminds us all that the hardest creature to kill is the human spirit.
Time Wasted…Or Holy Crap, Time Flies When You Are With the Wrong Person
As a man who has been divorced once and is going through a second divorce, I sometimes wonder when, if ever, I will meet the “right” woman. Sure I have my faults and little idiosyncrasies that can drive a person nuts, but who doesn’t??
I have spent the last twenty-one years searching for “the one”. My first marriage was a disaster from the start. The first wife and I were young and stupid about a lot of things and we really should have never gotten married to begin with. We were married in 1997, four years after we started dating/living together. We thought we were perfect together. Sure, we had our fun times and the sex was great but in the end we were just wrong for one another. I grew up and she didn’t, so we separated in 2002. I tried several times to make it work over the next two years but after a short period of time, it would be right back to the same old arguments. So, I finally filed for divorce and we were divorced in 2004. Today the two of us are actually semi-decent friends and we can talk to one another without arguing.
My second marriage was to a woman who I have known all her life (I am 5 ½ years older than her). We partially grew up together. We had a kiddie “crush” on one another. She used to write my name on her school note books. We would talk all the time on the phone and then later on AOL IM. She would always give me her opinion on things and I would give her advice. We used to sneak off and make out whenever we could without my brother or her younger cousin following us. We knew one another inside out, forwards and backwards. So when we finally became a couple in 2006, there were no surprises or trying to act better that what we were. I always loved her and she always loved me; it was like a fairy tale. We were married four years later in 2010 (there’s those four years again!). I was very happy and content with everything including her. Then after almost four years of marriage, she hits me with “I’m not happy and I don’t want to be married to you anymore.”
So I did what I said I would always told her I would do out of respect and love for her if she ever wanted to end our relationship, I just left. To give some insight, we had a conversation at the beginning of our relationship, and during that conversation she told me that she did not want a fight if we ever split up (that should have been a HUGE red flag). In hindsight, I am glad that I did leave because I found out through friends that she was seeing someone for almost two months before she told me she wanted to be divorced. I even went as far as telling her I would forgive her and let’s take our separation for what it is. I would pay for us to go to a marriage counselor of her choice so we can work things out; she wanted no part of it. I came to find out “he” moved in the same week I moved out.
So here I am a little over six months later, still wondering what went wrong. I also wonder if I have spent so much time looking for the right woman and ending up with the wrong one twice, when will I find the right one?
When I and my first wife separated/divorced I was upset, but I knew in my heart that it was the right thing to do. If we had stayed together, we would have ended up killing one another. With the separation and impending divorce from my second wife, it has been a little different.
My second wife and I always had a great trusting friendship. I trusted her 1000% in our marriage and that turned out to be a major mistake on my part. When she told me on December 23, 2013 that she was not happy and wanted a divorce, I had a mental break with reality and just did not know what to say. So for the next eight days I just avoided her as much as possible and kept to myself. I found an apartment I could afford and gave her one chance to change her mind before I signed the lease. She said “no, this is what I want.” So, on January 1, 2014 I moved.
The first month I worked as much as possible as I hated going home to an empty apartment. I missed my wife, plain and simple. On February 2, 2014, I was involved in a car accident which left me without a car for the whole month. That is where everything finally hit me hard. I started to think too much and drink too much. I started a blog to work out my thoughts and feelings, which helped a bit. By the end of the month I had run through every emotion possible: hatred, envy, anger, sadness, and so on. Most of it was directed towards my wife. On February 21, 2014, I drank two large bar sized bottles – one vodka and one rum – in the span of three hours. Somewhere in my drunken stupor I dialed 911 and hung up, at least that was what I was told by the State Trooper that woke me up as I was passed out on the floor.
I spent the weekend in the Adult Psychiatric ward of the local hospital. I spoke to my wife three times that weekend. The first time she called was to check on me and make sure I was all right, in which I hung up on her after telling her, “What do you care for?” The second time was on Saturday afternoon, in which I asked her again about the marriage counseling and she said she would think about it and let me know. The third time was on Sunday before I was released, I did not bring up anything but I could tell by the way she was speaking that she did not want to at least try to save our marriage. It was at that point I realized I was never going to be able to keep her as my wife and I also realized I’m done with everything.
So after that I just stopped caring about everything as I felt like the proverbial camel flat on the ground with five tons of straw on my back, if anybody wanted to add more then so be it, I just don’t care. The next four months has been a spiral effect from there, I left my job for higher paying one. After a little less than a month I lost that job, and then I lost my apartment. I am very close to losing my car as well at this point.
I am now in the process of rebuilding my life from the ground up, literally starting over. I am working part time at a fast food restaurant and living in my first wife’s mothers home (she felt sorry for me). I have lost everything and yet I don’t feel depressed or hurt. I actually feel great which is weird and scary at the same time.
I don’t hate my second wife for what she did to me as she was only looking out for herself and her needs. If she found the happiness she was looking for with the guy she is with now, then I am glad for her. I have too much to do to carry a hatred for her. I hurt absolutely, but I do have a wonderful friend who told me, “If she was that fast to hop in bed with another man, then she never truly loved you.” I use that as my mantra, as it helps me get through the day. I am just glad in a way it only took eight years to find this out, so at least I have a chance to find true love and happiness myself.
In writing all this, I am reminded of a movie called One Crazy Summer. In the beginning of the movie, the main character is drawing a cartoon that is in search of “love”. The one is search of love comes across the cute and fuzzy bunny gang and the bunnies start to tease him a la grade school style:
“Love would have nothing to do with such a stupid-looking creature,” said the first cute and fuzzy bunny.
“With that nose and those shoes. ”
“And that stomach. ”
“And those eyes. ”
“And those ears. “
“Roses are red, violets are blue but love will have nothing to do with you! ”
That kind of sums up how I feel most of the time lately, and yes it hurts, but for a brief few moments in my life I have been happy with life so I know I can be again.
To quote a Stevie Nicks song:
“I’ve reached in darkness and come out with treasure
I’ve laid down with love and I woke up with lies
What’s it all worth only the heart can measure
It’s not what’s in the mirror…but what’s left inside”
The above is so true….It’s not what I see in the mirror every morning, it’s what I feel inside, It’s what I want out of life. That is what keeps me going every day and pushes me to make each day a little better than the last.
I have come to the conclusion that we can’t base our relationships and marriages on which person is right for the now. We need to look deeper and find the right forever. My parents were married for 48 years, until my father’s death in 2001. My mother never dated anybody after he passed away. I asked my father a while back before I was married the first time “How come you and mom never got divorced?” His answer was very plain and simple – “I love her and she loves me, yeah we fight but we still love one another the next morning.”
I asked my mother in 2011, ten years after my father passed away, “How come you never dated anyone after dad died?” She replied, “Your father was the only man I ever wanted; for me to date now would be a lie to myself and to whoever I am with.”
My parents had it right; they looked upon marriage like I look upon it – a commitment for life. But for some strange reason, I have not gotten it “right” yet. Don’t get me wrong, I still love my second wife as I always have and more than likely always will. I still care for my first wife as well, but that is more because she is the mother of my children. So in the end I guess the third time’s the “charm” because I haven’t given up on the idea of marriage…at least not yet. I have faith in love, that is why I haven’t given up on the idea of marriage or love itself. I fully believe in the Bible’s description of love. It is an often quoted verse but few really take the time to understand it.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;[a] 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things
I base my outlook on marriage by it. I have seen my parents fight and argue to no end, but yet they stayed together though all the drama. They were married in 1953 and, although they separated twice, they made it work. The key to me is if love is real, it endures.