Facing Divorce? How to Build the Support System You Need

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We accept that people need help at the beginning and at the end of life. Divorce is the end of one life and the beginning of another.

You will need help.

Here’s how to get it –

 

Friends and Family

 

These are probably the first people you will turn to. And with good reason. When you’ve lost a love, you want more than anything to be surrounded by people that love you. It can be challenging to share the news of the divorce with your friends and family; they will hurt for you and they may also be grieving the loss of the marriage. You may find it helpful to enlist a disseminator, a point-person who can share the news and salient facts to protect you from the painful repetition of the story at first.

Often, loved ones have a desire to help, but are unsure of what to do. Once you’re able, craft a message to send to your inner circle detailing what you need (food, outings, someone to watch the kids) and what you don’t (questions, platitudes, derogatory statements about your ex).

You may find that some people respond with judgment rather than compassion. You may have to put these relationships on the back burner for a time until you’re ready to handle their comments. This is a time to surround yourself with people firmly on Team You. No apologies needed.

 

Community

 

Friends and family are great, yet they have their limitations. They may getyou, but they don’t necessarily get what you’re going through. Divorce has a way of making you feel like a pariah in your own life. And that’s why divorce communities, either in-person or virtual (like DivorceForce!) are so important. You learn you’re not alone, you can gain information and understanding from others facing the same and you can find hope from those that a little further along than you. And they’ll also listen to you when you’re friends are telling you to “Just get over it, already!”

Be mindful of the tone and culture of the group you select. It may feel good at first to be part of a congregation that plays “Pin the Tail on the Ex” at every gathering, yet that focus won’t help you much in long run. Instead, look for a community that accepts where you are and has a goal of helping you move on to where you want to be.

 

Local Networking

 

Maybe you’ve moved to a new neighborhood and you need help finding a good babysitter. Or perhaps your spouse always took care of the painting and now you need to hire it out. Those little details of daily life can become overwhelming during divorce and, as they’re frequently accompanied with a move, they can become downright impossible to manage. And during divorce, networking and creating local relationships often takes more time and energy than you possess.

Luckily, there’s help. The Nextdoor app puts you in virtual touch with your neighbors. Without actually having to summon the energy to talk to somebody or even to get dressed, you can find out everything from a neighbor you can let your dog out to learning the best place to sell your wedding ring. It helps to alleviate some of the pressure and anxiety that arises when you’re suddenly left to do it all on your own.

 

Social Contact

 

Between the stigma that often still surrounds divorce (some people seem to think it’s as contagious as a cold!), the awkwardness that develops in a friend group when a couple splits and the demands that divorce makes on your time and energy, it can be challenging to maintain your former levels of social contact.  But that doesn’t mean it’s not important.

This can be a great time to reconnect with old friends who knew you before your marriage. It can also be a great time to meet some new friends (even if temporary) who will not view you as “the divorcing one.” A group such as MeetUp can provide no-pressure social contact alongside a shared interest. And if all that feels too overwhelming, at the very least spend some time in public at the periphery of a crowd. It serves as a great reminder that you’re not alone.

 

Professional Support

 

I don’t think anyone can make it through divorce without at least some professional help. If you’re having trouble sleeping or are experiencing signs of anxiety, depression or PTSD-like symptoms, locate a psychiatrist, as you may benefit from some medication. If you are having trouble processing the divorce and its associated emotions, call a therapist. If your symptoms are presenting physically (which is quite common), you may need a visit to your doctor.

Professional support can also come from a religious leader to help you navigate this change through faith, a divorce or life coach to help you take charge of your future and even a financial advisor to help you plan your budget. Don’t try to it alone. Let the professional carry some of your burden while you rebuild your strength.

 

No-Judgment Journal

 

The headspace during divorce can get downright ugly. You may have thoughts and fears that don’t feel safe to disclose even to your closest friends or your caring therapist. This is where the journal comes in. It can take any form – written or recorded, paper or digital, neat or messy. Allow it to absorb your tears and your fears. This is your uncensored space. Where you can let it all out without worries of being judged or facing repercussions for your outbursts.

While there are many ways to journal and no rules that must be followed, I have a basic strategy that I often recommend: Each time you write, begin by purging the “yuck.” Let it all out until you’re drained of its energy. Then, explore your current worries. Those “what ifs” and fears that keep you up at night. And begin to explore possible solutions along with tempering those run away emotions with some rational thoughts. Finally, end each session with hope. With dreams and inspirations for your future. Even if you have no idea how you’re going to get there, the act of writing down your dreams helps you believe they can come true.

 

Sanctuary Space

 

It’s so important during divorce to have a safe space that you can retreat to when the world becomes too much. Perhaps it’s your car, with its soundproof doors, endless supply of music and ability to take you away.  Or maybe you indulge in luxurious sheets and pillows that make your bed feel as welcoming as a hug from a caring grandmother.

The location and the specifics of the space don’t matter. It simply needs to feel safe and welcoming. A place where you can simply be you and get a little distance from everything else. A word of caution here – sanctuaries are intended to provide respite. If you stay in your safe space for too long, it becomes a prison.

 

During divorce, allow your support system to be your scaffolding, buttressing you until you can again stand tall on your own.

10 Empowering Thoughts to Hold Onto When It’s All Falling Apart

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The Subterfuge of Scarcity

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I listened to an NPR podcast recently that explored the connection between poverty and the mental capacity for problem solving and planning for the future. On the one hand, the results of the research seem evident. After all, we all know that having money gives you the gift of not worrying about money.

On the other hand, the sheer magnitude of the effect was eye-opening. The researchers studied a particular group of sugar cane farmers in India that were “rich” for a few months after they received the annual payout for their efforts and destitute once the money inevitably ran out before the next harvest. The farmer’s impulse control and ability to plan for the long-term was measured and the results were striking. A lack of money literally makes it harder to think.

When the brain perceives scarcity, its focus narrows, much like how blood flow is shut off to the extremities in the case of an emergency situation. Decisions are made for the now, because short-term survival has to supersede any longer-term goals. The more evolved rational brain with its slower and more cautious processing is retired as the more primal and fast-acting limbic system takes center stage. As a result, actions are impulsive and although they may be advantageous in the moment, may cause the current scarcity situation to be lengthened.

A scarcity mindset and its impact on cognition are not limited to finances. When we’re short on time, we often fail to account for the moments we do have, focusing only on the lack of opportunities as the days fly by. When the cupboards are bare before the weekly grocery run, the creative impulse that could help to brainstorm options from the remaining food is dampened. And once the grocery trip is made, the emptiness of the belly may lead to poor choices in the store. The scarcity of words on the page causes writers’ minds to block. A perceived lack of available resources implicit in a short-term sale prompts the brain to jump at the first suggestion.

And after a break up, the scarcity of love and affection can result in an almost obsessive drive to find that intimacy again. Much like how those experiencing poverty may make poor decisions in regards to spending, those feeling a love deficit may make unhealthy choices when it comes to relationships. Anyone who shows attention and kindness is welcomed without regard as to the longer-term suitability and impact. It meets the needs of the moment, filling the void and postponing the sense of loneliness. Yet in the long term, those temporary fill-ins can cause more harm than good.

Since money, time, groceries, ideas, sale prices and love cannot be supplied upon demand, are we simply doomed to experience the cognitive weaknesses prompted by scarcity? In some ways, yes. We have evolved to prioritize the most important needs during times of drought. And when something is lacking, there is only so mental trickery we can do to pretend otherwise.

Yet we are not helpless in times of shortage. We can begin by recognizing what is lacking and also the extent of the impact on our initial reactions. Refrain from exaggerating the situation. Acknowledge what is needed and also be aware of what is still present. Balance the fear for what is missing with gratitude for what is not. Reflect on other times of scarcity and remember when the rains eventually came. Use external methods of providing structure and boundaries to help your reckless brain. If you are driven to make a poor choice, be kind to yourself and also strive to find a way to refrain from repeating the mistake.

Scarcity uses subterfuge to trick us into staying in a place of lack. It deceives us into making decisions that satisfy in the moment and starve us over time. Learn to recognize its pretense and be mindful before listening to its bidding.

Because nurturing new growth comes from watering what you have rather than focusing on the fear that you will never have.

 

 

Finding Yourself When You’ve Lost Your Compass

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I went on a hike the other day with an amazing group of people. One of the women was not an outdoor person and so before she headed off, her loved ones gave her some tips, including, “Make sure you have a compass.”

I found her rotating her compass until she located true north and then she looked up at me and said, “Now that I have north, what do I do with it?”

I explained that without a map or general mental picture of the area, a compass can basically only ensure that you’re not traveling in circles, chasing your tail while in pursuit of an exit.

Conversely, a map without a compass is also of limited use. A goal without orientation or direction provides little more than hope.

But when combined, a map and a compass become a powerful tool. A wise and prudent guide in your hand taking you from where you are to where you want to be.

Any major life transition is not unlike being lost in the woods. The terrain is unfamiliar, the steps feel endless and panic can easily set in as you frantically seek an exit.

Start With Your Goal

Hopefully you have at least the rough outlines of a map – a picture of where you’ve been and where you want to go. Take the time to firm up this image. What words do you associate with the life you want to have? What does this life look like? Feel like? Make it as specific and tangible as possible.

Find Your True North

Reconnect with your core values and purpose. Think about those beliefs and passions that have persisted in you since childhood. If you’re struggling to identify these in yourself, ask your loved ones what words come to mind when they think about you. Look for similarities and trends in their answers. Let this be your guide.

Identify Your Obstacles

You know where you want to go and you know where you’re starting. Determine and name the possible barriers in the way of your destination. Although it’s tempting to begin your journey and just hope for the best, it’s prudent to be both mentally and physically prepared for the difficult stretches.

Hold Your Course

Once you have chosen your path, deviate from it as needed with your compass in hand. If you veer too far, you may find that you have lost your focus on what is important. If you refuse to be flexible in your approach, you may find that you become stuck.

Be Realistic In Your Goals

Much like the scale on a map, the scope of life’s journeys can be deceptive. Always allow plenty of time to get from one landmark to another and be forgiving with yourself about needing periods of rest. And remember that suggested times needed for the trail are just that – suggestions. Your use may vary.

Don’t Be Afraid to Explore

When you have you goals mapped out and you’re using your compass as a guide, it’s hard to get too lost. So take some time to explore what lies off the beaten path. Yes, it may be a dead end. But it also may be just what you’ve been looking for.

 

Facing Divorce? How to Build the Support System You Need

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We accept the people need help at the beginning and end of life.

Divorce is the end of one life and the beginning of another.

You will need help.

But how do you get it? Finding the support you need can be challenging, especially when you’re likely facing time and money constraints. Here are 7 ways that you can find and create the support you need until you can stand on your own again.