Parting Gifts

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex made sure that I didn’t leave the marriage empty-handed.

No, he gave me a parting gift.

Or actually, gifts.

And they keep on giving.

 

He left me with several unpaid (and unknown) debts in my name as well as an unpaid mortgage on the house he obtained in the divorce.

I thought I knew about all his gifts, but it turns out there was one (oh please, let it be only the one!) hidden for later discovery.

 

I finished paying off the last of the debt in my name last month after a generous gift from my father. Last night, I logged on to Credit Karma to check to see if the account had been marked as “paid.”

It had. But something else caught my eye.

It turns out my ex never made the last four payments on his car after the divorce. Yeah, the car he also obtained in the decree. Oh, and it goes without saying that my name was on that note as well.

I really hope karma was paying attention and notified the bank of his location so they could repossess the thing.

The part that makes me the angriest? My car is on its last legs and he got the “good” car and didn’t even pay for it.

Not that he’s paid for anything.

Sorry, frustrated today.

 

It’s the rare person that escapes divorce without some parting gifts.

For many of you, negotiating the custody and care of the kids is a constant source of stress.

Others are like me and face the ongoing financial burdens from divorce.

There can be ongoing health issues, employment concerns, housing difficulties.

Divorce certainly keeps on giving long after the papers are signed.

 

Amidst the frustrations of the night, I have some celebrations.

For the first time since the divorce, I was able to fully immerse myself in my credit report without any anxiety. Whereas before, I would either avoid looking or flood with anger and fear, this time I was able to be detached and unemotional. For the first time, I actually feel the hope. I’ve paid off everything I need to and, starting in 2015, the negative marks will fall off my record for the next few years. I can’t wait for the day when the only sign of him on my credit report is found in my former name.

This is also the first month in years where I do not have to make a payment on an account that paid for the honeymoon with the other wife and assorted other (and unknown) betrayals. My paycheck is mine.

I also am more aware than ever that the divorce was a gift. Even if it was wrapped in some pretty heinous packaging.

 

Comparison Shopping in Relationships

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Whenever I introduce a new math concept, I begin my comparing it to something they already know. It helps to anchor their understanding to examine the similarities and recognizing the differences helps them deepen their understanding of the new topic.

 

Comparison is natural. Adaptive. It is a tool that our minds use to help sort information and make sense of our world.

But that tool can sometimes turn on us.

And instead of helping us construct meaning, comparison turns on us and brings feelings of inadequacy and scarcity.

We all suffer needlessly at times when we compare our lives to the lives of those around us. When we believe that the grass is always greener rather than watering our own lawns.  It’s such a common response that it even earned its way into the top ten list of sins.

 

But there’s another kind of comparison that often sneaks in after divorce and undermines our happiness: the comparison of a new date to your ex.

Again, comparison is natural. Adaptive. By holding a new person up to your ex, you can easily see the manifestation of traits you want/ don’t want again in a partner.

But it can also turn on you, leaving you pining for the past and unable to accept the present as it is.

It keeps you stuck. Gives you an excuse to stay safe and impenetrable.

It can happen silently, as you measure your current beau against the last even while continuing to act as though you are fully in the present. Sometimes, it may slip through your lips as you verbalize some area where past and present are different. Or, all too often, it exists on a subconscious level, a slight hum of dissatisfaction that can undermine the new relationship.

If you find yourself comparison shopping for a new relationship, try these strategies to change your thoughts:

 

Recognize when it happens. The first step to changing any habit is to be aware of it when it occurs.

Affirm that different only means different, not better or worse. We tend to fear the unknown and perceive change as always trending towards the inferior. But different is just different. And it is always uncomfortable at first.

Interrupt the thought. The more you allow your thoughts to follow a particular path, the more worn and easily tread the path will become. Stop the comparison thoughts when they happen and don’t allow the pattern to ingrain.

Focus on the positive differences. Make a list of all the ways your new partner is better than the old. Write it down to make it real. If you find yourself measuring a negative, shift the thought to, “Yes he/she isn’t as …. as my ex; however, he/she is so much better at ….”

Understand that developed can’t compare to embryonic. If you are in the early stages of a relationship, do not compare it to a mature relationship with its associated vulnerabilities and intimacies. Apples and oranges.

Fill the cavities. If there is something that your ex provided that your current relationship does not, seek another way to fill the void. Loved to watch foreign films with the ex and new beau prefers action flicks? Find someone else to meet your love for foreign films. No one person will meet all of your needs and as you transition from one relationship to another, you will have to shift what needs are met elsewhere.

Recognize that the past is rose-colored. It’s easy to paint the past as perfect when its sweaty socks aren’t strewn across the floor of your present existence. Don’t compare reality to a dream. You’ll never be satisfied.

 

 

Those Moments

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had planned on writing a different post this evening.

But then I received some news.

 

The kind of news that makes your stomach drop.

Your brain stutter.

Your chest tighten.

Your throat clench.

And makes your eyes swell with tears.

 

The kind of news that makes it hard to breath yet also drives home the importance of each breath.

Because we never know how many we have.

 

Those moments are such a harsh reminder of the fragility of life and the swiftness at which it can change.

They remind us that no matter how much we plan, we cannot control.

It’s a wake-up call to be present in the moment. Because that’s all we’re guaranteed.

And it reveals how important our relationships are and that we are all more connected than we realize.

 

Tonight, I’m letting go of the stressors of the day.

I’m setting aside the to-do list for the evening.

And instead I’m going to snuggle with my family.

While the tears fall as they may.

And remember what really matters.

 

Hug your kids tonight. Tell your family you love them. Reach out to your friends just to let them know you’re thinking about them. Pet the furry ones.

And take a few moments and just be grateful.

You’re here right now.

 

When You Shouldn’t Forgive

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We are told that to err is human; to forgive is divine.

But is that always the case?

Are there times when forgiveness actually harms you rather than setting you free?

Read the article. It made me think. What does it say to you?

For all that culturally we admire the ability to forgive—it’s associated with magnanimity, spiritual growth, and, of course, religiosity—it remains a somewhat thorny issue from a psychological point of view. In layman’s terms, the ability to forgive is widely seen as evidence of how high humans rank in the chain of being—animals don’t forgive, after all—so it conveys a moral superiority. But from a psychological point of view, two key questions remain: Why do humans forgive and, when they do, how do they hope to benefit? Read the rest on Psychology Today.

 

I know one of the reasons that I chose and have been able to forgive my ex is that he is not a presence in my life. I’m forgiving a memory of a person rather than actual flesh and blood. I don’t know if I would have made the same choice if he was still an active participant in my life.

Lipstick On a Pig

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It was just an ordinary day. But my reaction was anything but ordinary.

It started out innocently enough. My now-ex-husband and I were walking through the mall on a cold, rainy Saturday afternoon when he posed an innocuous question:

“How many stores here apart from department stores do you think sell lipstick?”

I pondered for a moment, mentally cataloging the Brookstone and Ambercrombies,  before responding, “I don’t think any more than three or four.”

“I disagree. I’ll bet there’s at least five.”

It became a challenge. What should have been a fun, mall version of Slugbug or logging truck tallying turned into an all-out war.

At least for me.

 

I started out confidently enough as we passed store after store that did not display any lipstick on its shelves.

But then my assurance was shaken when we found two stores in a row that promoted lip coloring products: Spencer’s Gifts had black lipstick for those that leaned towards Goth and a store that appeared to cater to strippers had a small lipstick display with the accessories.

We hadn’t even walked a full wing of the mall and the count was already almost halfway there.

He kept it light, teasing and joking and laughing.

I didn’t.

After a third store, a place that sold upscale handbags and scarves, proved to have lipstick, I grew obsessed.

 

For some reason, this became about more than lipstick to me.

It wasn’t even so much about needing to be right.

It was about wanting him to be wrong.

 

As I think back now on my first marriage, I realize that I had a tendency to point out his mistakes or misdirections.

Rather than simply turning off the oven, I felt the need to inform him that he left it on.

Instead of simply securing an unlocked door, I felt the need to point out that the door was left unbolted.

 

Now, I fully recognize that this was not an attractive trait I carried. I accept full weight of that fact. I fight sometimes with a need to be right, an insecurity found in wrong answers that was fortified with a drive for good grades in school.

But there’s more to the lipstick story than that.

 

Because I have never been that prone to point out mistakes with anyone else. In fact, I generally am more apt to avoid confrontation and do a behind-the-scenes cover-up than to announce someone’s mistake.

So why did I act that way with my ex?

 

I think it was because he never admitted his own wrongs.

He never copped to forgetting something.

He hated to reveal any weakness and would strive to cover it up.

He always seemed to know everything.

Be able to do everything.

And so I felt a need to prove him wrong.

To show that, like all of us, he had areas of strength and areas of deficiency.

To bring him down from a pedestal to a human level.

 

 

Interestingly enough, one of the traits that Brock possesses that attracted me was his ease with admitting fault.

Because in order to fix anything, we have to first accept our responsibility.

Otherwise, all we’re doing is putting lipstick on a pig.

 

 

Side note: I am fully aware that this inability to admit fault and the need to be perceived as all-knowing is a characteristic of narcissism. I refrain from labeling him. Here’s why.