10 Ironclad Rules for Living After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
rules

While I was in life limbo post-divorce, I crafted 10 rules for myself to follow. These were rules born partly of pragmatism, partly of fear and anger and mostly of determination. The rules were written in the relative vacuum of the weeks following a divorce. Easy to craft. They’ve proven harder to follow.

So here they are, my 10 promises to myself. Maybe you’ll decide to make them too.

1 – Never Give in Expectation of Reward

I played by life’s rules. Played it safe. It was a barter of sorts – I’ll sacrifice now and you’ll spare me later. But life didn’t play by those rules. And I grew angry. I felt betrayed not only by my husband, but also by life. I did everything right, so why was I being punished? I promised myself to give up on the idea of sacrifice. To instead give or abstain when I wanted to with no expectation of any reward or pardon.

2 – Never Treat Life As a Waiting Room

I just need to get through this month and then I’ll relax.  Money is tight right now, but we just need to make it through until next year when business should pick up. I know I haven’t seen much of my friends lately. I’ll remedy that as soon as the summer starts. Yeah, I was a pro at justifying this delayed gratification. And the problem? Some of those expected events never did occur and more reasons to wait did. I promised myself to live every day, no matter what better days seemed to lie around the next corner.

3 – Never Be a Guest in Your Life

When you’re a guest, you try to occupy the smallest footprint possible. To not make waves. And that’s no way to live for long. It was shocking to me when I moved in with my friend and her family after my husband exited stage left – I realized I had been feeling more like a guest in my home (and marriage) of 10 years then I did with her. I promised myself that I would never allow myself to be a guest in my life again; I was going to occupy my life fully.

4 – Never Let Fear Hold Your Head in the Sand

I’ve never been good at confronting my fears. I basically took the “mosters under the bed” theory way too far – as long as I didn’t look, they weren’t real. Right? 🙂 Not so much. I started by facing the easier fears – going downhill, sharing my emotions publically and leaving to-dos undone. Those proved scarier when avoided than confronted. Then came the harder ones – vulnerability and trust. Still scary. I promised myself that I woud face those things that made my heart race and trust that I can handle them.

 

Continue to read the rest.

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On the Road: How to Manage Marriage When One of You Travels

Posted on by stilllearning2b

If you had told me that I was going to marry another man who had to frequently travel for his work, I would have told you that you were crazy. Okay, so I probably would have been more tactful than that – a “No, I don’t think so” followed by the thought, They must have accidentally licked that poisonous toad because they’re obviously having hallucinations.

Because, after all, my ex used his many business trips as an opportunity to behave badly and then later on, he used the excuse of business trips to court his new wife. Ugh. Just ugh.

This time around, I thought, I want a man that stays where I can see him.

But that’s not what happened. I ended up falling for a man who is often out of sight during the week as he travels for business.

And with some intention and effort on both of our parts, it turns out to be just fine:)

Here are some of the things we discovered and implemented along the way to manage and nurture our marriage even while we are apart:

For the Traveler –

Maintain Routine

My husband is lucky with his current gig – he spends most of his away time in the same two cities, where he has “his” hotels, “his” restaurants and even a martial arts class that he teaches. The element of routine and known places and people helps to alleviate some of the stress and boredom that can so easily overtake life on the road.

Obviously, many people are required to travel to different cities every week (or even every day. shudders.). It is still possible to establish and follow some routines and find familiarity along the way. Design or find a structured workout program that can be followed in your hotel room. Or commit to a daily 5-mile run, regardless of your location. Find something portable or easily found in a variety of locations that you can use to fill your evenings with so that you are not always bored in a hotel room or drunk in a bar.

Find your balance between structured enough to stay focused and flexible enough to bend to the demands of your job and your location. Find the sweet spot between enough down time to relax and not so much that you become restless. A little planning can prevent a lot of problems.

Develop Healthy Road Habits

Even if you’ve traveled for work for years, it can still seem like an opportunity to “treat” yourself. Yet when these treats happen every week, they’re not treats, they’re habits. So make an effort to develop healthy ones.

I see it all the time – a promotion is followed by extra travel and is soon followed by extra pounds. The partner that used to want to be active and engaged in life is now overweight and sluggish. Food and drink are used as an escape on the road and the impact is then felt at home.

Lose the idea that travel is an anomaly for you. Let go of the idea that you need a treat or a distraction to get you through the trip. Instead, set and follow road habits that may even be a little more restrictive than the ones you follow at home. For example, my husband has a “salads only” policy for himself when he travels. Not only does it keep him trim, but it makes the steak once he’s home that much better.

Provide Supportive Verification

In our early days of dating, my now-husband forwarded an email from his boss that had his flight information on it. That email meant nothing to him. It meant everything to me. After a marriage with a husband hell-bent on deception, this innocently-sent message was verification of veracity.

If you’re the one on the road, be aware that your spouse (especially depending upon their background) may struggle with trust and insecurity. Don’t provide “proof” of every little thing (not only is this crazy-making and controlling if your partner expects this, it can also be interpreted at working to hide something), but also be mindful about occasionally providing proof that you are where you say you are and doing what you say you’re doing. A little goes a long way here to making the one left at home not feel like they’re left in the dark.

For the Homebody –

Stay Busy

Be careful not to put your life on hold until your spouse gets back. This is especially true when they’re gone over the weekend or over a holiday. Develop your own interests. Cultivate your own friends. Ensure that you’re not dependent upon your partner for all of your social contact.

If your partner’s travel is consistent, you can be consistent with your plans. If their schedule is more variable, you may find that you want to more adaptable to maximize time together.

Develop a Support System

I know I can get frustrated when the dog is being especially needy and everything in the house seems to need attention when my husband is out of town. And I can’t even imagine the toll with kids in the picture. It’s an unfortunate side effect of frequent travel that the one at home often feels like a single parent – even if it’s just of a human-sized pit bull:)

So take a suggestion from single parents and build your support system. Have go-to people for kid-watching, dog-pottying, house-fixing and anything else you may need. It will help alleviate guilt and pressure on your partner and frustration and overload on yours.

Be Sensitive

From the perspective of one who doesn’t travel, leaving town can seem to be exciting. Adventurous. Romantic even. Yet the reality of business travel is often the exact opposite – tedious, boring and isolating. Be sensitive to what conclusions you reach and how you respond. Remember – this isn’t a vacation, this is your partner making sacrifices for the benefit of both of you.

Also be mindful of how you greet your partner when they return. Some people like a strong and fervent hello. Others need more time to decompress and readjust to life at home. Few prefer to walk into chaos and demands. I know that you’ve felt like you’ve had to do it all and you’re ready to have help again. Just let it slide for a few minutes to let the road warrior fully return home.

For Both –

Utilize Technology

FaceTime is the bomb-diggity for marriages on the road. It’s quick. It’s easy. And you can even use it to have your spouse check out that weird spot on your back. No matter your choice of connection software, use it. There is no excuse otherwise these days.

Flirt

It’s easy for any marriage to become focused on the day-to-day tasks that need to occur. And it’s even easier to slide into that bad habit when the element of touch is taken away. Remember that technology? Use it to flirt. Sext. Get jiggy with it. I don’t care if it feels awkward. It’s important.

Communicate Needs

There will be times that one partner needs more attention than usual. And the marriage should be a safe place to make that request and have it received kindly. And remember, your spouse cannot read your mind. Make sure to ask for what you need.

Celebrate the Good

A marriage on the road certainly has its unique struggles. And it also has its blessings. The relationship is kept fresher with more time and experiences apart. Both partners are forced to be independent and also have to learn to work together. Boredom is easier to keep at bay when the routine is expanded beyond town. And if nothing else, a kiss hello is always something to smile about:)

What If It Is Your Circus And They Are Your Monkeys?

Posted on by stilllearning2b
it is your circus

Because sometimes it IS your circus…

It’s war.

And I’ve pulled out the big guns – poisonous plants, crushed oyster shells, a rake to remove mulch , metal landscape mesh and mousetraps hidden beneath overturned pots.

Because this time, it is my circus and these are my monkeys.

Errr…voles, actually.

Although I think I’d rather have an infestation of monkeys. I think they may cause less damage. And at least I’d be able to see my nemesis.

I spent last summer largely in the dark about my voles. I blamed my neighbors for the missing plants in the front and root rot for the crater that kept opening up swallowing my hosta (and its replacements) whole. And I credited Tiger’s enthusiasm for the partially chewed roots found laying atop the bed.

In other words, I was trying to convince myself that it wasn’t my circus laying waste to my garden.

But then, as the silver dollar sized holes began to appear where plants had disappeared, I was forced to change my tune. If I was going to have any chance of actually growing something other than digitalis, I would have to accept the fact that this is indeed my circus and these pesky little vermin are my monkeys.

And I was going to have to be the one to deal with them.

—–

Many of us struggle with distinguishing between what is our responsibility and what is none of our business. I watch my students constantly sticking their noses into other students’ personal lives yet fail to take on their own lives. I watch people after divorce get all hung up on their ex’s actions yet neglect to monitor their own choices. And I watch myself taking my husband’s mood personally while not attending to my own.

It’s much like the overweight physician or mentally ill psychiatrist – it’s easier to advise others than to take that advice yourself. And it’s easy to get distracted trying to influence things outside of your locus of control while ignoring the chaos within your domain. In other words, it’s easy to become so busy watching your neighbor’s monkeys that you neglect to tame your own.

So, to break it down…

Not your monkey – What other people are choosing to do with their lives.

Your monkey – What you are doing in your life.

Not your monkey – Other people’s moods or feelings.

Your monkey – Your own mood, feelings and what you express to others.

Not your monkey – What other people have done to you.

Your monkey – How you respond to what has been done to you.

Not your monkey – Telling people what they should do.

Your monkey – Striving to maintain an open mind.

Not your monkey – Making other people happy.

Your monkey – Creating your own happiness.

Not your monkey – How other people judge your decisions and actions.

Your monkey – How you feel about your own decisions and actions.

Not your monkey – Wanting others to like and approve of you.

Your monkey – Treating yourself and others with compassion and kindness.

Not your monkey – The unhealthy patterns and needs of others.

Your monkey – Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.

 

There’s a freedom that comes from releasing the monkeys that are not yours to train and a power that comes from identifying and taking responsibility for your own rascally simians.  As for me, I’m taking on the responsibility of the voles. Do you know of any monkeys that can help?:)

 

 

 

How to Rein In Your Need For Control

Posted on by stilllearning2b
control

I was embarrassed to wear shorts.

The insides of my thighs were covered with tiny half-moon cuts and welts, formed by my own finger nails digging into my tender flesh. It hurt. But strangely enough, I did it in an attempt to not feel pain.

It was my first conscious bid for control. Every month, my hormones would send my insides roiling and the uncontrollable pain made me feel like I was a pawn to my body’s commands.

And so I found a way to create a pain that was under my control. A pain that would distract from the other and that I could alter the intensity at will.

The next act of control was also prompted by the actions of my body. After hand surgery and complications, I faced months of physical therapy and time in homebound school. Again, I felt helpless against the pain and limitations of my body.

And this time my dominant hand was unavailable to cut half-moon slivers from my thighs.

So instead, I cut fat from my diet. Today, I probably would be diagnosed as orthorexic, a pattern of eating extremely “healthy,” where major food groups are eliminated. I ate plenty. But still my hair grew thin and my skin dry because of the lack of fat.

I saw it at the time as an example of great willpower.

In reality, it was great fear.

I continued to play this game. Every time life told me I wasn’t in the driver’s seat, I responded with a, “Yeah, watch this! I’m going to MAKE this happen.”

And then I would.

And I would feel a little better for a time.

A little more in control.

And a little less scared.

But it was always temporary. Because life always had something else in store. Something I couldn’t control.

And it took the big one – facing my biggest fears of losing my then-husband along with all of my financial security – to make me finally realize that the joke was on me.

That by trying to control, I was only adding to the tension. The fear.

Because there I was, everything gone. Nothing certain.

And for the first time in my entire life, I felt no need to try to control anything.

Control What You Can (And Only What You Can)

Even in the most overwhelming and devastating of life’s tsunamis, there will always be something that you have some level of power over.

And it’s amazing how far just a touch of control can go in easing your mind. Identify what you can control within your situation and control the heck out it. Be careful here not to make the mistake I did in my youth. You’re looking for areas you can control that don’t cause you additional harm.

For example, I have a friend in the early (and rife with scary unknowns) stages of cancer treatment. There is so much she has no jurisdiction over. However, when she was sent home with a software-protected disc of images and instructions to wait several days until her doctor could read the results, she had other ideas. She controlled what little she could.

Look At the Big Picture

The more narrow your focus, the more likely you are to get upset or scared by what you see. Because in the details, it’s all overwhelming. So take a step back and try to see the bigger picture. Not only does the current situation represent only a small section of your life, but you may also find that the areas where you can take more control will increase in time.

If you’re having trouble seeing the forest for the trees at your current juncture, talk to, read or watch somebody who has been through similar. This will help to provide perspective and give you ideas of how you can work within your particular parameters.

Build Belief in Yourself

Part of what makes a lack of control so scary is that we can easily become afraid that we won’t be able to make it through. So put effort into building your confidence in yourself (guess what – that’s something you do have some control over!).

Remind yourself of areas where you succeeded despite the odds. Engage in activities where you shine. Surround yourself with people that believe in you and build you up. Set (and achieve) small challenges for yourself.

Understand the Difference Between Control and Choice

You cannot always control what happens to you, but you can always choose your response. Rather than get hung up on what you cannot control, recognize the power inherent in being able to select your reaction.

When my first husband ended the marriage with a text, I was so angry at first that I couldn’t make him talk to me. I felt powerless. Like my voice and and my options were taken from me. Eventually, after months of being angry and frustrated, I realized that I was focusing on what I couldn’t do rather than on what I could. And I soon as I made the decision to shift my attentions to my own choices (as opposed to his), the anger and frustration started to dissipate.

It’s a little crazy, the only control he had over me was the control I gave him. Once I decided that I would be okay regardless of him, I took back that control. That’s really what forgiveness is all about – a shift in the idea of who gets to decide when you’re okay.

Learn Your Fear Languages

It’s not just love that has its own languages; fear has its preferred tongues as well. Do you have a tendency to catastrophize, assuming that everything will end in the worst? Are you prone to all-or-none thinking when it comes to life’s struggles? Do you get overwhelmed by the details and fear that you’ll never find your way out? Do you stop sleeping as your nights fill with thoughts? Or do you worry about the future, endlessly ruminating over possible scenarios?

Learn to recognize when your fear is speaking. That alone is powerful. We often interpret its words as facts, when really they’re just opinions. And biased ones at that.

Know Your Go-To No-Goods

We all have distractions we turn to in an effort to take the edge off of the discomfort of being out of control of our lives. I used to tattoo half-moons into my legs and demonize butter. Maybe you turn to alcohol or Netflix or the space under your covers.

Recognize what you are pulled towards that is not good for you or not good for you in quantity. Just naming them can sometimes help lessen their pull. If you find their siren song is too strong, don’t hesitate to get help. Because at that point, you have relinquished control to your particular habit. And isn’t a desire for control what sent you there in the first place?

Learn to Steer Intro the Skid

One of the first safety lessons new drivers learn is what to do in case of a skid. Because untrained instinct, which tells us to pull the wheel sharply against the skid, will only lead us off the road. Instead, we have to be coached (and often convinced) that the best way out of a skid is to move the wheel along with it until control of the car is regained.

And that same principle holds true when life throws us into a skid. Be patient. Work with it. And take control again once you are able.

Remind Yourself Why It’s Worth It

When you’re feeling out of control, it’s easy to center your attention on what you don’t like about the situation. So try shifting it to what you eventually will like about the results. When I was going through my divorce, I wrote a list of all of the things I was experiencing or would (hopefully) get to experience that wouldn’t have happened if the marriage didn’t end. I also constantly reminded myself that the (totally unwanted and totally sucky) situation was also making me stronger, more aware and more compassionate.

Trust That You’ll Be Okay (Even If You Don’t Know How)

So much of a need to control is a desire to know the future. Which, of course, is impossible. For all of us. It really comes down to faith. Trust that even if you don’t know how or when, you’ll be okay.

Time spent worrying and trying to control takes away your happiness now in a barter with life for happiness later. But life doesn’t always honor those rules. You’re much better off taking life as it comes and accepting that the only thing you can ever control is your own response.

So make it a good one.

 

 

7 Things I DIDN’T Learn in Kindergarten

Posted on by stilllearning2b
learn in kindergarten

Supposedly, we learned all that we needed to know in kindergarten. Apparently, I should have been held back. Here are 7 lessons I didn’t master until later:

You Don’t Always Have to Say You’re Sorry

“Tell her you’re sorry,” the teacher admonished my classmate when I became upset, assuming that the boy next to me was somehow responsible for my state. Because that was the rule in my kindergarten class – if somebody was upset, you apologized. No ifs, ands or but it wasn’t my faults allowed.

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As a kid who wanted to play by the rules, I internalized that message and allowed it to grow into a belief that I was somehow responsible for the okayness of those around me. I didn’t learn then to distinguish between the, “I’m sorry” that assumes culpability and the, “I’m sorry” that expresses empathy.

And I grew into an adult that apologizes too much. That begins a conversation with, “I’m sorry to ask this, but…” and has even been known to apologize to desks in my classroom when I bump into them.

There are certainly times to apologize for your actions or words (and make sure that the apology is just the starting point) and there are also times when an apology isn’t needed. You are responsible for being honest and kind, not for never causing somebody distress or discomfort. Say you’re sorry for your part, not their reaction.

Everybody Doesn’t See the Same Colors You Do

When I was in kindergarten, one of the objectives was for all of the students to learn the names of recognize the basic colors. Each week, we had a different color and we were challenged to come up with as many examples of that color as we could. One week, our color was orange. The boy next to me that Monday was wearing a salmony-colored polo shirt.

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He raised his hand. “My shirt is orange,” he declared proudly to the class.

“No it’s not,” little-miss-has-to-be-right me responded, “It’s pink.”

A spirited argument broke out as our teacher tried to convince us that we were  both right. That made no sense to me. After all, we were looking at the same shirt. How could we see it differently?

Of course, we all perceive situations differently depending upon our prior experiences, our expectations and even our mood at the moment. All you have to do is read the Amazon reviews of a book to see this diversity of opinion in action!

Little-miss-has-to-be-right eventually learned that it was nicer and more interesting to be open rather than always trying to be accurate.

But that shirt was pink:)

Never Be Ashamed of Being Different

We still had nap time in my kindergarten class. I guess I should say, they still had nap time because I never slept. Which made me feel different. And ashamed for being different. Some days, I would pretend to sleep just so that I could play at being just like the rest. Other days, I would look around at them and wonder what was wrong with me that I couldn’t nap like them.

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Some teachers were understanding and let me read quietly while the others slumbered. And some teachers grew frustrated with me, thinking that my lack of rest was somehow a personal attack.

So of course, I apologized.

What I didn’t know in kindergarten was that it’s okay to be different. It’s okay to have different needs and desires that people around you. It’s okay to show your true colors instead of trying to blend in with your surroundings. And yes, sometimes standing out will get you noticed.

But that external criticism is infinitely more preferable than the feeling of not being true to yourself.

It’s Okay to Challenge the System

Kindergarten was a year for rules.

Stand in a straight line. Sit this way. Raise your hand first. Write this word. Color inside the lines. Say this. Don’t say that. Don’t jump off the swings.

And I was a rule follower. I trusted those that made the rules and I trusted the rules themselves. It was like we had an agreement, the rules and I – Follow me and you won’t get hurt. Follow me and people will like you. Follow me and you don’t have to take risks.

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That approach worked for me in kindergarten. I played by the rules and the rules played nice.

It was only later that I learned that sometimes those making the rules don’t have your best interest in mind. That sometimes you can follow the directives and still get burned. That sometimes rules are used to confine and limit rather than protect. And that sometimes the best things can only happen when you’re willing to challenge the system.

Loyalty to Values is More Important Than Loyalty to a Person

We had one boy in our kindergarten class who was different. Now, I would either recognize him as a kid from a neglectful home or as one with some type of developmental delay (or both). But in kindergarten, he was just plain weird. And a bit smelly.

I assumed an attitude of polite indifference to him at first. I never sought him out, but I also never singled him out.

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But then I became friends with a popular girl in class. One who wasn’t as nice to the odd boy. And I was loyal to her, defending her actions. When I really should have been loyal to my beliefs, even if that meant breaking my bond with her.

Faithfulness is an excellent quality.

Blind faithfulness is not.

Pledge allegiance to your own values before you vow to follow any others.

It’s Possible to Share Too Much

“Now, Lisa. You know you have to share with her,” I was told over in the playing house corner of our classroom after the teacher was alerted by my playmate’s cry.

I handed over the dress and watched silently as the other girl proceeded to dominate the play group, commandeering all of the items and directing all of the play. We had all been taught to share. And she had learned to take advantage.

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In kindergarten, there was very little discussion of boundaries. What was mine, was ours. Everything was to be given and released upon request.

And sharing everything is a lovely idea. As long as everyone shares everything. And as long as everyone is looking out for others more than themselves.

Yet life has its takers. And we have to have boundaries. Lines in the play box sand that say I will give this and no more.

Because it is possible to share too much, to give until you are no more.

The Most Important Lessons Are Not the Ones You Are Told to Learn

I was so excited to go to kindergarten. I thought that this was a sign that I was ready to begin learning. I saw it as benchmark of growing up that I was going to be taught. I watched my neighbors and babysitters struggle through homework and grapple with loads of books. And that’s what I wanted – those outward signs of learning.

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Yet I had already had 59 months of lessons before I ever stepped foot into my kindergarten class. 59 months of observing and imitating and experimenting, most of which I was never told to do.

Yet  I did.

The most important lessons are not the ones you are told to learn.

They are the ones you have to learn in order to solve a problem.

They are the ones you decide to learn in order to reach a goal.

And they are the ones that you are inspired to learn through wonder and curiosity and joy.