He May be a Character, but I Narrate the Story

Posted on by stilllearning2b
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This one mental shift helped me let go of some of the anger I was holding towards my ex-husband.

Initially, I viewed both of us as characters in some twisted romance turned psychological drama.  He, of course, was the antagonist, performing all sorts of unspeakable acts towards me.  I was fearful of turning each page, afraid of what horrors would await me.  I felt powerless, victimized.

Then I realized, although I may not have the power to write my story, I can shift into the position of the narrator, while still remaining in the story.  As the narrator, I have the ability to interpret his actions, guide the story, and shift the focus.  I could not control the actions of the antagonist, but I could surely control how I wove them into the story.  This guise also allows me to step back from the action, gaining perspective and a broader view.

He will always be a character in my story, but as my own narrator, I choose to make him a minor one.

Confidence Run

Posted on by stilllearning2b

It’s been awhile since I’ve run a double-digit distance.  Today,I decided to tackle 10 miles, mainly to try to convince the naysayers living in my head that I was not totally crazy to sign up for a marathon this fall.  I have noticed that when I slack off of running, I start to get fearful that I will be able to do it again.  I find the best remedy for this negativity is to run.  Not elegant, but it works.

During today’s run, two of the three members of the running triumvirate decided to show: lungs and mind were present and accounted for.  Unfortunately, my lower legs and feet did not get the memo.  I blame this on two things.  First, I missed my normal yoga class this week and the DYI variety just does not seem to stretch me as deep or as long.  Secondly, apart from running shoes, I am very frugal with my footwear.  Considering I stand for 7-9 hours a day on concrete floors, this is not necessarily a good trait to have.  I am making a public vow to get a couple of decent pairs of work shoes over spring break and try to replace them before the end of the next decade.

Overall, it was a good run.  I kept a respectable sub 7:30 pace and the heat didn’t bother me too much (I thank the hot power yoga for that).  Still, it is a little daunting that I’ll have to run over 2 1/2 times that distance soon.  Yikes.  Best not to think about it too much, especially while I’m resting my achy feet!

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Posted on by stilllearning2b
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I have a doctor’s appointment today. I just finished printing and filling out the forms ahead of time so that I would be prepared (I’m a planner, remember?). Things went smoothly until I got to this question:

Marital Status: ____Single ____Married_____Divorced____Widowed

I could come up with a reason for me to select each one:

Divorced: well, yes, but it does not define me
Single: technically, as I am not under legal obligation to be bound to another
Married: not legally, but in spirit, as I am committed to a long term partner with whom I reside
Widowed: not in the strict sense, but emotionally, as my ex severed all contact as abruptly as if he had died

I think I need a new category:

_____ I’m divorced, but that does not define me.  I’m not really single, either.  Nor married, although that comes closer to the truth.  I’m in a long term, monogamous, and cohabitating relationship.  No, I’m not sure if I’ll make it legal.  Why? Well, I’m not having kids, so there is not that to worry about.  Also, I no longer see any “protection” from the legal stamp.  So, I’ll just keep it the way it is, thank you: we are together each day because we choose to be together each day.  That is all.

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Clean Up, Aisle 5

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I received a notice in the mail yesterday that I have to report to court to settle one of the financial messes that my ex left behind. I have known that this was coming, but that does not make its arrival any easier.

I’m angry. Angry that he continues to dodge his responsibilities while I, as a tax-paying citizen who holds a job and a valid driver’s license, gets to deal with the mess he so casually left behind.

I’m anxious. Even now, almost three years out from the initial blow, I’m still half-waiting for another explosion.

But, most of all, I feel ashamed. I don’t know why, but this is my response when I feel like people are judging me, even when their assumptions are untrue. These people don’t know anything of my story, nor do they care. I want to walk in there, head held high, with the “innocent spouse” letter from the IRS fastened to my collar, an anti-scarlet letter. I want them to know that I am the one cleaning up the mess, not the one who left it there in the first place.

But, I guess it doesn’t matter. Part of marriage is cleaning up after your spouse. My clean-up duties just happen to extend beyond the matrimony. I’ll walk in there, keep my story to myself, and take care of business, leaving me with one less of his messes to clean up.

I Was Lucky

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was lucky. I never spent time in a decaying marriage. The lies that destroyed the relationship protected me for its duration, keeping me cloaked in relative comfort.

I was lucky. I never had to wrestle with the question of should I stay or should I leave? That decision was made for me.

I was lucky. I never had the pain of hoping for or trying for reconciliation. You cannot reconcile with someone who has become a ghost in his own life.

I was lucky. We did not have children. I did not have to see the pain on their faces, nor engage in a battle for them through the courts.

I was lucky. I had a clean, sudden amputation of my life, my marriage. The trauma was near-fatal, but I was left with a clean cut.

I know not all of you are so lucky. You may be deciding if your marriage can be saved. You may be hoping that it can still work out, alternating between hope and despair. You may be subject to painful contact with your ex. You may have to tuck your kids in, wishing you could take their pain away.

Even if your marriage did not end in a sterile amputation, you still have some control over how it heals. Take care to keep the wound clean and expose it to fresh air. Tight bandages may hide the damage for a time, but the wound will only fester when it is kept in the dark. Do not worry at the healing skin. Leave the scabs until they fall off of their own accord; they provide needed protection. Be gentle with the new skin, the new growth, for it is still fragile with its pink-tinged hope. Sooth the wound with the balm of your friends and family, your pets, your passions. And know that the scars only serve to make you even more beautiful.