Provider

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We received news yesterday that our bid on the house was not accepted. I was disappointed, but not surprised. I suppose in a way, I was even relieved since I have some anxiety about the financial implications and obligations associated with buying a house.

(On a side note, I realized this past weekend, while sharing my story, that the financial aspect is the only area from which I have not healed. I’m not sure if I can move past that part while I’m still paying for his lies. It’s better than it was, but money issues can still be a major trigger. Grrr.)

Almost immediately upon hearing the news, I let go of the house. We had already discussed that if our bid was not accepted, we would go back to casually keeping an eye on homes and continue to save. After all, we still have 5 months until the planned move date.

Brock didn’t take it quite so well. He was restless. Discontent. He started searching the data base of houses for sale in the area. He sent listings to me and called me in to look over his shoulder. Verbally, he agreed that it made sense to pause and that we had plenty of time, but his actions spoke to a deeper need.

We even drove to look at a house (it was really amazing yet had a 100+ foot drop off in the back going down to a river and needed too much work for its price). I sensed that he needed to feel like there was forward momentum. I get it. I am usually guilty of the same anxiety-driven restless energy.

I awoke this morning to a note by the coffeepot:

“I promise I will get you a house you can be proud of.”

Wow. This explained his energy the day before. He sees himself as the provider. He knows that our current home is a bit of a dump (what’s funny though is that I’ve adapted and even learned to appreciate not having a “nice” home). He is feeling responsible for making sure that I am in a place where I can be happy.

He is taking house hunting literally. I’m surprised he hasn’t armed himself with a spear yet:)

My response to him?

“I have a husband I am proud of. That’s what matters.”

It’s been interesting for me to learn how important the “provider” role is to him. I didn’t get it at first, especially because he was insistent that women that he dated had their own career/income (he fully supported an ex for awhile and hated that). On my side, I’ve never wanted a man to “take care of me.” I was very uncomfortable with one man that I dated who had this approach. I saw the responsibility as equal.

It is true that Brock carries the majority of the financial burden. I’m a teacher. He’s not. What I now understand, however, is that he carries all of the financial burden in his mind. He feels responsible for the material well-being of our family.

I am grateful that Brock can articulate this need. My ex couldn’t and I think it was the initial domino in his fall. From what I can gather, it seems as though my ex faced professional decline. He lost a job and couldn’t find one to replace the responsibility and income level that he had before. He opened his own business, yet I do not think it was successful. My gut tells me that the spending and stealing started to try to cover for the lack of income he was receiving from his company. I think he was ashamed that he could not be a provider. He felt diminished and depleted. Embarrassed, even. He hid these feelings from me just as he hid the financial concerns. As a child, he was taught to keep shame buried deep and to not ask for help. He learned that lesson well.

I have come to understand that the way Brock feels about his role has a greater impact than how I see it or how it actually is. His self-image is based on being able to protect and provide. My role is to help him feel supported and appreciated in those realms, regardless of the external circumstances.

(I know that I also have areas upon which I base my self-image, but for the life of me, I can’t pinpoint them. Hmmm…got me some thinking to do!)

So for now, the boxes will remain broken down on their stack in the basement and the books will remain on their shelves. We will continue to live and laugh and love in our run-down rental. And, when it is time and the right home appears, we will make the move.

Until then, we live. And look at copious quantities of real estate porn.

Hurry Up and Wait

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Hurry up.

So we put in an offer on the house last night. It was a crazy scramble getting everything in place. Brock and I both worked with the mortgage company and the realtor to get the financing and the bid prepared. I also spent a significant amount of time researching appliances and costs associated with the work the house needs so that we can watch our budget and make sure we know what is feasible.

And wait.

So now the offer is in, the bidding period is closed and now we wait for some unknown amount of time. Never fun, but even less fun when you haven’t been preparing to move. We’re in kind of a limbo. If this house falls through, we most likely won’t move until November or December, meaning life goes on. If, however, we get the house…

Hurry up.

We’ll have to pack and be ready to close and move a couple weeks into August (and the new school year). We have to find a fridge (Craigslist, please come through for us!!!) and start tackling the paint (I think the house’s nickname should be the painted whore; it has a New Orleans drag queen sort of look on every surface) and carpet. We won’t have the funds to do everything at once…

And wait.

I’m working on preparing myself to not go into Lisa mode, where I frantically try to get everything done at once. There will be time enough to do it all. I pre-coaching myself on the importance of patience, just in case this actually happens.

Meanwhile, I’m going to hurry up…

And live.

Meanwhile, I’m leaving tomorrow for a girl’s weekend (my first ever!) on Tybee Island. I’m feeling kind of guilty about it. When the trip was planned, this was just a normal weekend. Now? Anything but. It’s a couple hundred bucks that could be going to the house and I’m leaving Brock alone to deal with stuff just as he will be coming off a rough week at work. But feeling guilty won’t cost any less and won’t help Brock juggle his weekend. So, I am going to do my best to put this out of my mind and just enjoy the beach and the company:)

I may be waiting on a house but I am not waiting to live.  After all, I can multi-task!

life is not a waiting room

On another note, I did a fun radio show this morning. I had a great time even though the host believes that there is nothing wrong with leaving a marriage abruptly via text message! I’ll post the link when it goes live next month.

 

Gotta Have Faith

Posted on by stilllearning2b

This house crush is proving to be an emotional affair.

We saw the house this morning. There were no fatal flaws. Just great big spaces and bigger questions. We were not ready to fall in love. The money isn’t yet fully saved. The current lease is not final.

Yet the house is ready.

We spent all day courting the house. We had friends-in-the-know (a realtor and a former contractor) check it out and give us their opinions (gotta love a freebie on-the-spot mini inspection!). We researched loan options. Finally, we worked with a friend of a friend to start the process to get preapproved for a mortgage. Assuming the numbers work, we put in a bid tomorrow.

Wow.

It has been a whirlwind.

It’s scary. There are so many unknowns. It’s such a big financial commitment. We will probably be house poor for the first 6-12 months, a position I hate being in. It’s scary but the possibilities are tantalizing.

Brock has been amazing. After the initial walkthroughs, when we were just sitting down to talk it through, Brock posed a question. “Does this, buying a house that will need some remodeling, trigger you emotionally at all since that is what you did before?”

Wow.

I was speechless. It was a great question; my ex and I purchased a house when we were first married that needed similar types of work. Remodeling that home was a big part of my marriage. I took the time to mull it over. Yes, the house and process brought up memories. But they were matter of fact.  There were no emotions triggered. All the emotion I feel today is about the present situation, not the past.

Brock was willing to walk away if the house triggered me emotionally.

Wow.

Even the financial stuff wasn’t too bad. I still have such shame and anxiety over the mess that I have. The friend of a friend that we worked with on the approval process didn’t make me feel bad as he asked about each item. I had some anger flare at my ex for putting me in this place, but overall, I was okay. That was a weight lifted, as I have been nervous about trying to buy a house for years.

The timing is not what we planned. The house is bigger than we planned. It needs more work than we planned. But the location is perfect. The features check every box. I can see Brock and I and our amazing friends in the space (after we host a few painting parties, that is!). The value is excellent. And the price is acceptable.

I don’t know how this is going to come together. I don’t know how we’ll make it work. Especially with a wedding around the corner as well.

This is one of those times when you just have to let go and trust that it will work out. I was in a similar position 3 years ago (Recalculating) when I had no employment, no place to live and only a few weeks into a new relationship. I wasn’t worried then. It felt right to stay in Atlanta and give my relationship with Brock a chance. I’ve never regretted it.

I’ve just gotta have faith.

Faith that no matter how this works out, it will be okay.

If we get the house, we will find a way to move sooner than expected. If we don’t get the house, we will find another when it’s time.

 

Yup, just gotta have faith.

And maybe a glass of wine to relax:)

I Have a Crush

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I first caught a glimpse of him online last night. The description was brief, but the pictures drew me in instantly.

I was hooked.

I dreamed of him last night, imaging the future we could have together. Picturing our lives intertwined. When I awoke this morning, he was still on my mind, even though I was trying to suppress the thoughts. Giving in, I finally decided we needed to meet in person. Immediately.

I made the short drive to his residence. I gasped when I pulled into the driveway. He was even better looking in person that he was in pictures. I was smitten.

photo-259
My crush in “person” 🙂 He obviously needs a haircut!

That’s right. I have a crush on a house.

Like any crush, my mind is awash in romantic notions. Spinning possibilities out of mere suggestions. I am obsessed, overtaken with passions of paint colors and potential plantings.

Like any crush, my dreams will likely be dashed since there is scant anchor in reality.

Brock and have been rational in our quest for a home. We have registered with hatch My House so that our wedding gifts can build our down payment. We plan to move this fall after the wedding and when our lease has expired. With the assistance of a friend in the real estate business, we started casually perusing homes in the area we live and love. We frequently email postings back and forth and engage in dialog about the potential perks and liabilities of each property. We’ve known that these homes are only hypotheticals; they will be long gone by the time we are prepared to buy. And that’s been okay.

And then we saw this one.

On digital paper, it’s perfect. A foreclosure, priced to sell. Ugly on the inside, but just needing some TLC to make it beautiful. It has the spaces we need and the amenities we want. It’s difficult not to fall and fall hard.

I visited today, exploring the yard and peering in the windows. I could so easily see us in that space. I was already arranging furniture and repainting walls. I could almost hear the clacks of the sticks from the spot where Brock would teach his private martial arts lessons. I stood in the spot where I would put a hammock and gazed out at the yard that I so desperately want. I felt the ache of my nomadic existence the past four years fade as I let the home’s energy wash over me.

Damn.

I know better than to do this. I know I’m getting excited just to have my heart broken. I know it’s just a house and should not be an emotional investment. I know that it makes sense to wait until we have more money to put down and our lease is officially over.

But damn. I’m crushing hard.

Tomorrow, we make the formal introductions. Our realtor friend is meeting us there to show us the inside. A part of me hopes that the home has some fatal flaw on the inside. Something that will crush the crush.

But another part of me wants it to remain perfect.

Brock and I have talked strategy. Figured out a possible juggling act that would allow us to purchase earlier than we anticipated. It’s not ideal and it’s a little scary but it just might work. Of course, we may not be the only ones flirting with our intended. There may be competition better looking and more prepared for an immediate relationship.

But still.

It’s hard not to get excited about the thought that our crush might just maybe, possibly like us back.

 

The Marshmallow Test

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In the Stanford marshmallow experiment, young children were placed alone in a room with a single marshmallow. They were told that if they left the marshmallow alone until the experimenter returned, they would receive two marshmallows. Further studies indicated that children that could delay gratification had better life outcomes in terms of educational attainment and other life measurements.

If I had been administered the marshmallow test as a child by an absent-minded researcher, I would probably still be sitting in that 70s-themed room waiting for the return of the person in the white lab coat.

But is that a good thing?

Are there times when we are better off enjoying the single marshmallow rather than waiting for the promise of two?

I don’t know how I would label this trait in myself. I’m not sure if it is willpower, stubbornness or a fear of not playing by the rules. Probably a bit of all three. Regardless of its origin, I have never had trouble slogging through the muck to get to a goal. I might detour and I’ll certainly complain at times, but I will get there.

In my former life, this trait was put to the test many times. I drug myself through grad school for the promise of an increased salary that would benefit us both (or so I thought). I lived with a decaying deck for over 8 years until we had saved (or so I thought) to build our dream deck. I put off trips so that we could save money (or so I thought). I worked extra jobs, often tutoring 20 hours a week, to help save money for our future (or so I thought). I made sacrifices for the betterment of the marriage (or so I thought).

I was okay ignoring the single marshmallows on the table, confident that the promised two would soon be coming.

Except they never did.

While I was waiting, my ex, who I thought was waiting with me, was raiding the marshmallow stores. When I discovered his multiple betrayals and deceptions, part of my anger was that he was doing those things while I was making sacrifices. I gave and he stole.

As a result of all of this, I’ve changed my approach a bit. I am much more likely to balance decisions between the future and the present. I have learned how to spend money instead of squirreling it all away. I have learned how to enjoy the present instead of always waiting for the future. But I also haven’t really been tested. I’ve been able to live more for today, since my tomorrows have been so unknown.

I’m being tested right now.

I know part of it is that I’m a bit grumpy and frustrated over recent events. We usually go camping over spring break, but Brock had to be out of town for business. Then, strep throat cut short my Asheville trip. We were supposed to be camping this weekend, but this time weather foiled our plans. Hell, even the festival last weekend was impacted by my ex’s unexpected appearance. I’m whiny. I’m pouty. I feel like a kid proclaiming that it’s not fair. All I want is a trip. A break. It doesn’t have to be extravagant or prolonged. Just time away.

So, coming from that place and looking forward to the approaching summer, I brought up the idea of summer getaways with Brock over breakfast yesterday.

It was not the conversation I expected.

He kind of snapped.

He told me that he didn’t have time for trips. That just because I was off work, it didn’t mean that he was. He started talking about the house we intend to buy this fall and the need to save. Underlying these words is the pressure he feels as the primary provider and soon-to-be first time husband to support his family. In his job, unlike mine, more hours and more travel usually equate to a larger paycheck. He is currently choosing to sacrifice time for money for our future.

But he also said he understood my past and my fear of waiting for a future that never occurs.

It ended up being a really good conversation, even though I hate it when I realize how much my past still impacts me. So much of this comes down to trust. I have to trust that he isn’t stealing the marshmallows from behind my back. I have to trust that the promised time and trips will occur after the house has been purchased. I have to trust that we’re in this together.

Damn.

Why is this so hard?

How do I find that balance between waiting and living? Learning from my past and being limited by my past? Trusting and being?

I am ready for a home. I have tired of my nomadic existence over the past four years. I yearn for a place to put down roots and a garden for them to spread. I have only recently allowed myself to get excited about the prospect, however.  Even as I have directed funds towards a down payment, the future home seems like a mirage that will disappear before it becomes reality.

I need to trust.

I can wait for the promised two marshmallows, trusting that they will be there. Trusting that Brock will be there.

life is not a waiting room