I Was Wrong

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I was wrong.

Very wrong.

And I couldn’t be happier about it.

When we were house hunting last summer, Brock expressed his lifelong dream of converting a basement into a theater. I responded with my not-a-lifelong fear of basements.

No, really. Read this.

As the house hunt became a home reality, this became a source of tension as he was responding with excitement about the proposed entertainment room and I was countering with trepidation.

That damned basement in my old life has almost a personified flavor of evil in my mind. It contained the molted skins of the man I loved as he morphed into some dark creature. It hid his secrets. It protected him as he carried out his nefarious deeds. It swallowed him for ever increasing hours as the marriage sped towards its inevitable and spectacular end. I was living atop a portal to hell.

And I was afraid that another basement might also serve as a conduit of corruption. That my new husband might also fall sway to whatever whispers arise from the blackness beyond the concrete walls. That he would be swallowed and return changed. That a new portal hell would be opened and new demons welcomed in.

But I was wrong.

Completely and spectacularly wrong.

He was largely on his own on this project due to my schedule and my general hesitancy about the undertaking.

And he has done a great job, turning a half-finished grubby former office into a slick and comfortable theater.

A theater for us.

For our friends.

It is not a place to hide.

It is a place to connect.

In fact, even with my stupidly early bedtimes, he rarely goes down there alone.

It wants to keep it special.

And it is.

I was wrong.

Very wrong.

And I couldn’t be happier.

The only demons in this space are imagined on the screen. And those can only hurt me if I allow them to.

Security

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the more difficult losses during divorce is the loss of security. On an emotional level, you are vulnerable and facing the realization that the stability you imagined only existed in your mind. On a physical level, you may have to move, you may be the sole adult in the home and your finances will be tighter than before.

Loss of security is scary. It leaves us raw and open. It takes time to rebuild your emotional strength; there are no quick fixes.

But I just stumbled across a quick fix for the physical security.

Brock just recently installed an alarm system in our home (I guess the 90 lb pit bull and his multiple black belts weren’t enough:) I suggest you don’t stop by uninvited!). Now, this just isn’t any old alarm system.

This is pure brilliance.

The product is called SimpliSafe. It’s a wireless, install-it-yourself fully customizable alarm system with available monitoring.

Now, this system is awesome in general, but after seeing it in action, I immediately thought of why it is perfect after divorce.

Portability

It’s common after divorce to be a bit of a nomad, moving from place to place until you’re settled again. A traditional alarm system is expensive to install and must be left behind, as it is hardwired into the home. SimpliSafe is different. Every component is wireless and comes with removable wall adhesive strips on the back. When you move, SimpliSafe can move with you.

Affordability

Typical alarm systems may hook you in with a low up-front cost, but then charge a high, monthly monitoring fee. Or, if you waive the contract, you’re paying thousands for the initial system. With SimpliSafe, you pay for each component separately, buying only what you need. We spent just over $400 to fully cover our decent-sized home with security and fire alarms. The monthly monitoring is also affordable, starting at $15/month. Pennies count after divorce and this system helps them stretch.

Ease of Use

Brock had the entire system up and running in under an hour. No waiting for an installation appointment. No drills. No problem. And a call to customer service was picked up and handled immediately. After divorce, it’s nice to have anything simple.

Fully Customizable 

You can buy and install exactly what you need and where you need it. You can buy keychain dongles that allow you to disarm and set the alarm from the garage. They even have a panic button on the keychain so that you can carry it on you around the house and yard. The add-ons are impressive, but you can always go basic. And, if you have any concerns about the volume produced by a wireless siren, rest easy. My ears were ringing for hours!

This is a completely unsolicited review. I just remember that raw fear of vulnerability post-divorce and I want to share anything that might relieve just a bit of that distress. So, if you’re in the market for an alarm, check out SimpliSafe. It won’t heal your heart, but it may help you sleep a little better at night.

And Exhale

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We are finally moved in. The movers carried in our furniture yesterday and we carried out the last box not long after. Other than a few details on the main levels (and a basement man room project Brock is working on), the house is as finished as it can be (after some amazing teamwork getting to this point). I’m finished too. My body let me know in no uncertain terms last night that I have been pushing too hard for too long and that I needed to rest. Why do I always force this issue?

Even though I don’t know all of the light switches and I feel like I’m on mind-altering drugs while attempting to cook in an unfamiliar kitchen, this already feels like home. Brock and I welcomed our first sunrise here yesterday morning on the porch. Heaven.

I feel at home. At peace. Comfortable. Unguarded. I haven’t felt this way in a long time.

I can really unpack, both my stuff and my heart. I’m not going anywhere.

They say you can never go home again. I disagree. Home may change but the feeling can be recaptured. I lost my old home in the tsunami that tore away my marriage. Now, I have a new home and, in a few short weeks, a new marriage, both built deliberately and with extra doses of faith and trust. It wasn’t easy and it was scary as hell but, right now, it just feels good.

And I’m going to relax and enjoy it. Much like Tiger and kitty:)

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Life Flipper

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My best friend not only gave me a place to stay after my divorce (Wanted: The Ronald McDonald House for the Recently Separated), she also provided me with the best line ever when people needed to know something about my situation but I didn’t want to get into the whole messy tale:

I’m in the middle of a major life renovation.

It was perfect. It implied major change but also had a way of discouraging further questions.

It felt like the life renovation from hell. It was like I purchased a home that passed inspection only to find out years later that the foundation had fatal flaws and dry rot was eating the home from the inside out.

I traded in my well-manicured life for one that required hard hats and knee pads. I had to tear my beautiful life down to the studs and slowly rebuild as I was able.

For a time, I stood in the remains of my life and stared in disbelief at the carnage. I remembered it as it was. I wanted it as it was but it was impossible to recreate what had been destroyed. Eventually, I began to have a vision of what it could become. It didn’t need to be the same. I could rebuild my life better than before.

I kept some things the same in my new life. Other areas no longer served me and I chose to eliminate them altogether or repurpose the space for something else.

It was a slow process. I had to fight the urge to decorate my life before I secured the structure and patched the holes in the roof.  I had help on more days than not, my family, friends, coworkers and professionals stopping by to raise a wall or sand a rough edge.

Slowly, my new life began to take shape. The new only vaguely resembling the old.

I may not have anticipated this major life renovation, but I knew that with the right tools and the right help I could succeed.

And I have. The foundation is solid. The dry rot is gone. The walls are sturdy and the windows clean. Now I get to do the fun part and add the details that make the house a home and the life MY life.

Forget Flip My House. I could be the star of Flip My Life.

And, yes, if you can’t tell, I still have paint chips on the brain:) Should be moving in less than two weeks!  My challenge now is to pace myself so that I don’t get sick(er)…I wish I could meet all my new students for the year without also meeting their germs!

 

Here I Go Again

Posted on by stilllearning2b

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I guess sometimes the third try is the charm (just, please not for marriages…two is plenty!). After putting in three offers on three different houses, we are finally under contract and set to close just before Labor Day. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m so ready to be settled. But I’m also scared of settling in.

This will be my fifth move in four years. I’ve been pretty nomadic since the divorce. I knew that each move had a expiration date, so I have not taken the time or energy to fully nest in a place. It’s freeing in a way, but I’ve also missed that sense of home. That feeling of being in a place that I’ve personalized to my needs and tastes.

I’ve also been living in other people’s spaces. My first home was a spare bedroom in my friend’s house. Since I left everything behind, I used everything from her furniture to her linens. I had no personal stamp at all. My next home was an apartment by myself for a year. I furnished the entire place for $2000 and the help from IKEA (perfect for college students and the recently divorced alike!). Even though it was my space, I still held back since I knew that is was also a temporary resting spot. My next perch was in Brock’s townhome. This time, I brought furniture and other belongings with me, but I was still moving into someone else’s space. The current rental has been an improvement, as we both entered at the same time, but I still have resisted injecting my taste into the temporary home. Even on the house hunting, I have been somewhat distant from the houses, refusing to get emotionally attached (hmmm…kinda like I was when I first started dating).

This is different now.

This is a Home. This is a place where we intend to spend the next 15-20 years. This is a place where I can personalize. This is a place where I can grow roots. This is a place where I can move in without having to set aside the boxes for the inevitable move out. This is a place where the paint that goes on the walls won’t be from the leftovers in the garage. This is a place where things can be fixed instead of endured. This is a place where I can garden again. This is a place where I can grow.

I don’t know why, but the purchase of a house symbolizes more about commitment and moving on than the marriage does. I don’t know why, bu the purchase of a house makes me more nervous than the upcoming nuptials. It’s liked I’m scared to root again because of the fear of the pain of being uprooted.

Stupid fear. Ultimately, it’s just a house. Four walls and a screened in porch. I should not let it symbolize more than it is. After all, I can love and be happy with or without a Home. It’s time to let go of the fear of losing again. It’s time to relax and settle in. Hopefully soon on my new porch:)