Here I Go Again

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I guess sometimes the third try is the charm (just, please not for marriages…two is plenty!). After putting in three offers on three different houses, we are finally under contract and set to close just before Labor Day. I’m excited. I’m nervous. I’m so ready to be settled. But I’m also scared of settling in.

This will be my fifth move in four years. I’ve been pretty nomadic since the divorce. I knew that each move had a expiration date, so I have not taken the time or energy to fully nest in a place. It’s freeing in a way, but I’ve also missed that sense of home. That feeling of being in a place that I’ve personalized to my needs and tastes.

I’ve also been living in other people’s spaces. My first home was a spare bedroom in my friend’s house. Since I left everything behind, I used everything from her furniture to her linens. I had no personal stamp at all. My next home was an apartment by myself for a year. I furnished the entire place for $2000 and the help from IKEA (perfect for college students and the recently divorced alike!). Even though it was my space, I still held back since I knew that is was also a temporary resting spot. My next perch was in Brock’s townhome. This time, I brought furniture and other belongings with me, but I was still moving into someone else’s space. The current rental has been an improvement, as we both entered at the same time, but I still have resisted injecting my taste into the temporary home. Even on the house hunting, I have been somewhat distant from the houses, refusing to get emotionally attached (hmmm…kinda like I was when I first started dating).

This is different now.

This is a Home. This is a place where we intend to spend the next 15-20 years. This is a place where I can personalize. This is a place where I can grow roots. This is a place where I can move in without having to set aside the boxes for the inevitable move out. This is a place where the paint that goes on the walls won’t be from the leftovers in the garage. This is a place where things can be fixed instead of endured. This is a place where I can garden again. This is a place where I can grow.

I don’t know why, but the purchase of a house symbolizes more about commitment and moving on than the marriage does. I don’t know why, bu the purchase of a house makes me more nervous than the upcoming nuptials. It’s liked I’m scared to root again because of the fear of the pain of being uprooted.

Stupid fear. Ultimately, it’s just a house. Four walls and a screened in porch. I should not let it symbolize more than it is. After all, I can love and be happy with or without a Home. It’s time to let go of the fear of losing again. It’s time to relax and settle in. Hopefully soon on my new porch:)

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17 thoughts on “Here I Go Again

  1. I love how you describe this. Mostly because it sounds like your heart is opening up to possibilities. Beautiful to see after everything you’ve been through!

  2. Congrats! I’m still in my friend’s basement and will be moving to more permanent quarters hopefully very soon. Your post hit home about not quite “feeling at home” because your stays were always short lived. I feel the same way.

      1. I am a lucky man to have the wonderful support of my friends and family… (I have 12 siblings…) πŸ™‚ I will get my very own place one day. Probably about 4 years down the road, but anything beats where I was.

      2. Each one of them offered me their home when I told them about the divorce. I couldn’t ask for a better family network.

      3. Not as frequently as we used to. But we are still a very close knit family. Parents raised us right.

  3. Congratulations on your new home! It is symbolic as you noted. It is a place where you can start anew and build your own vision of a comfortable place to just be. I understand the nervousness, though. I am set to move into a new apartment in August. I am a little freaked out about it, but I know that it will become my place to just be, and not worry about what my hair looks like in the morning, or if I have to cook dinner or just have a sandwich. Moves are times to start fresh. At least, that’s what I tell myself πŸ™‚

  4. Congratulations!!! I am so happy for you. That feeling of a new beginning is so thrilling. I thought I was in a temporary move but it will probably be semi-permanent at my grandmothers house. I feel comfort here. It sure beats the other house where he left, there was too many ghosts. Here I can still smell my grandmother’s Dove soap. πŸ™‚

  5. I can really understand this. I found buying my first home after my marriage ended very soothing in a way. It’s my safe place, my comfort space and I feel so relaxed…. finally. I guess it’s safe to say I’ve fallen head over heels with my little home πŸ™‚ Good luck with the move, I hope it all goes well. Thank also for following my blog. Your are an inspiration to others like me.

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