Guest Post: The Healing Gift of a Dog’s Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b

by Meagan Hanley

Depression is a very real and debilitating illness. It can come and go, reappearing out of the blue, even when the sun is out and birds are chirping. The condition can be genetic, or situational, or both. For me, it was the culmination of too many stressors that came all at once knocking me off my feet. It was like I was fighting a tsunami mentally.

In 2015 my husband left me. One month later my epileptic dog, Buddy, passed away. I had to put him down at 3 AM by myself mid seizure because my emotionally incompetent husband said it was just ‘too hard to handle’. Around that same month, my alcoholic father relapsed and my mother announced her decision to undergo dangerous brain surgery for her advanced Parkinson’s disease. My husband and I sold our home and I had to find a rental. I left my job to start another that would allow me to afford the steep Boston rent as a newly single woman.

It was all too much. The three long months after Buddy passed away and I was ‘dog-less’, were spent in a zombie like state. Forcing myself to be social, I would go out to dinner with friends, only to cry my eyes out in public. I needed something or someone to anchor me or I would soon unravel in a very dangerous way. My doctor put me on medicine. It didn’t work. Some days I didn’t get out of bed, or go to work; the lights stayed off. Only a few friends checked in on me. The ones who had their lives intact, with families, were just too busy.

That September, I attended an adoption event for Last Hope K9 rescue. I knew I needed to experience the unconditional love of a dog, once again. After all, it was my first dog, Buddy, who kept me alive through my divorce when I wanted to give up on life. I decided to go check out a black lab named Lucky, who I spotted on the website. As fate would have it, I arrived at the event early, and Lucky’s foster mom was running late. So, I sat down on the lawn next to a little beagle mix named Acer. He started licking my face, and actually hugged me, wrapping his paws around my shoulders. This little 20 lb fur ball, grasped on to me so tightly and wouldn’t let go. Not in an aggressive way, but a way that meant we should belong to each other. Lucky was not the one for me.

I eagerly signed the adoption papers for Acer, now known as ‘ACE’. I wanted to sign up for a lifetime worth of his little hugs, even if only in dog years. It is now 2 and a half years later, and a dog, has once again, shown me the incredible healing benefits to caring for an animal.

When I open my eyes each morning, I am greeted by a happy tail whipping back and forth and a sloppy kiss on my forehead. I feel as though I have a reason to wake up. If my eyes did not open, his tail may not wag. He may not be so happy, and that is reason enough for me to keep going. He forces me to get outside on the days where I feel sad or have flash backs of some events from my past. He doesn’t care that I have gained weight. He treats me like a celebrity. After a long day at work, he meets me at the door with excitement, with his little wiggle butt. When a not so nice guy dumped me via text, Ace made the best stand in New Year’s Eve date ever. I didn’t even have to do my makeup. So for the people who wonder why I am ‘so dog obsessed’, or to those who simply don’t understand why my dog will always come first, I will tell you that if you love me, you should love my dog, because, it is due to his love, that I am still breathing.

My first dog Buddy, put my heart back together when the love of my life broke it. And my second dog, Ace, well…he’s my partner on this new journey, and he lets me be myself each step of the way. Adopt a rescue dog, they may just save your life.

6 Ways Re-Watching Your Past Can Help You Move On

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Brock and I are currently re-watching all of the released seasons of Game of Thrones.

We were late to the GOT party, only bingeing on the first 5 seasons just last year. But even though the characters and plots should be fresh in our memories, we realized after recently viewing season 6 that we had significant gaps in our comprehension and analysis of the story.

The initial viewing was a journey of emotion, raw and often impulsive. It provided us with feeling (so much feeling!), but left much to be desired in terms of understanding. The second viewing has been illuminating. The emotional response has nowhere near the intensity that it did in the beginning, but from this perspective, we are now able to make connections that eluded us earlier. It all makes sense now. 

After the finale of season one wrapped the other evening, I realized that the process of re-watching Game of Thrones in order to build a complete picture of the story and find understanding of the characters and their motivations was analogous to how I approached processing my own past.

Here are 6 ways that re-watching your past can help you move on:

Re-Watching As an Active Pursuit

If we simply sat inert on the sofa with Game of Thrones playing on the television, we would gain nothing more from the experience. Instead, we are alert as we watch, looking for clues and connections we missed the first time. We utilize the pause button so that we can discuss a theory or a sudden realization. When we’re still confused, we seek help, learning from those who are more experienced. Overall, we benefit from considering other perspectives and opinions as we develop our own.

It’s easy to be passive about your past, allowing mental films to play on repeat. This is ruminating, not processing (learn more about this) and keeps you stuck instead of helping you move on. Instead, be an active participant as you review your marriage and its demise. Focus on making connections and creating understanding. Seek outside viewpoints and guidance, but also realize the importance of adhering to what feels true to you.

Analysis is Easier When All is Revealed

When we first watched Game of Thrones, we had to accept certain actions and decisions by the characters at face value. We didn’t yet understand the history and background that would lead a character towards a certain choice (especially because some of these connections are not revealed until much later). This time through, we’re able to piece together the long-standing conflicts between the families and follow the wrongs that have been committed on all sides. It doesn’t make some of their decisions any more palatable (I had forgotten how gruesome the Stark slaughter is!), but it does provide some insight into their motivations.

When you’re reviewing a marriage after it has ended, you have all of the puzzle pieces you need to create an awareness of the big picture and to propose some plausible motivations for choices and behaviors. If you can find some understanding into why your ex did what they did, it can help soften any residual anger and release any lingering victimhood. Seeing the bigger picture doesn’t excuse poor choices, but it does help to see them a bit differently.

Assumptions Are Often Incorrect

As we watched the first time through, we lost track of many of the details and often took a wrong turn while trying to decipher the tangled branches of the family trees. We made assumptions to fill in the gaps of knowledge and to bridge between story points. We help many of those assumptions through all of the initial viewing. They became our lens for creating understanding. And now many of those conclusions have been challenged and it impacts the way we interpret further information.

The end of a relationship is a fertile breeding ground for assumptions. So much is unknown and so much is felt, that we easily assign erroneous conclusions. Conclusions that then become the basis for any further interpretation. By actively re-watching with an open mind, you can evaluate your early assumptions and decide if they still hold true or if they would benefit from revision.

Nobody is All-Good or All-Bad

I had forgotten how much we hated him in the beginning. One of the characters is a multi-faceted and overall kind man in the latter seasons. But in the first episodes? He comes across as a self-centered and impulsive man. And he was. Until he faced things that forced him to change his ways and broaden his perspective. Throughout the story, we see the weaknesses and strengths of all the characters, even those who are most celebrated or reviled. Some have commendable motivations for horrific acts while others perform valiantly in one venue and are reprehensible in others. Ultimately, there are no “good guys “and “bad guys”. There’s just guys, trying to make it through.

At the end of marriage, especially when your spouse behaved badly, it’s easy to cast them as the “bad guy” and paint yourself as “the good one.” It feels virtuous at first and there’s a comfort to be found in shifting all blame. But eventually, you end up typecast, not as the “good guy,” but as the victim. As you re-watch your past, be alert to signs that your ex had a good side and be aware of your own darker urges and behaviors. Nobody is all-good or all-bad. We’re simply all human.

A Negative Event Can Lead to Positive Outcomes

One of the aspects I love most about Game of Thrones is the strong characters who refuse to be limited by the tragedies that befall them. It’s easy to paint some of these events as negative. And in the short-term, they often are. But then we see the characters learn from the event, challenge their limitations and finally grow stronger than they were initially. As you see a paralyzed child learn to master his mind, it’s no longer clear that the event that caused his injury was detrimental to his life in the long run. And now, watching those early tragedies, there is none of the original sadness, because we see it as a beginning, not as an end.

Our lives aren’t filled with as many plot twists as the series (thank goodness!), but we all expereince events that are easy to qualify as negative because they are unwanted and often injurious in the beginning. Work to slide the “negative” label off the events in your life. Start by striving to see them as neutral, simply what happened. Then, take inspiration from your favorite characters and think about how you can create positive outcomes. How can you make this your beginning?

There Will Always be Some Mysteries

Re-watching has answered many questions. And prompted many more. The writers of Game of Thrones are careful to always withhold some information. They reveal clues rather than announce outright. There is always room for questioning and position-taking. And re-taking. It can be frustrating at times when you just want to know the facts and all you’re getting are hints. Life is no different. There will always be some mysteries, forcing an acceptance of some unknowns and acknowledging the limitations of re-watching.

No matter how many times you revisit your past, there will remain some unanswered questions. There is no benefit to continue to re-watch after you have learned what you can. Work to find an acceptance of the unknowns. You don’t need to know every detail in order to understand the first part of the story and to begin to write the rest.

Just as the events in Game of Thrones unfold in the same way the seond time through, revisiting your past does not change it. That’s not why you re-watch. You view again to see with newly opened eyes, to approach with a less emotional and fearful mind and to gain understanding and acceptance. And once you’ve done that, the past no longer has anything meaningful left to offer and can safely be taken off your mental queue.

After all, there’s always another show:)

Phases of Moving On After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the most common refrains I hear from people, even years after their divorce, is that they are not yet where they want to be. They offer up reasons – financial, emotional, situational – that they are unable to escape the rapacious quicksand of the past.

And yet when I dig deeper, I find that they are indeed doing many of the right things.

Just not necessarily in the right order.

Because when it comes to moving on after divorce (How Do You Know When You’ve Moved On After Divorce?), you have to learn to stand before you can attempt to run from your past and into your future.

It’s easy to try to skip steps and to believe you are ready to take on the world before it’s time. Goodness knows, I did plenty of that myself. We want so badly to be done with the healing already that we often try to rush things along.

Rewriting the End of a Relationship

And if you try to tackle a phase before you’re ready, you will be left feeling frustrated and hopeless and stuck.

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Before you can say with certainty that you’ve moved on, you have to actively engage with building your new life. So much of releasing the hold that divorce, especially unwanted divorce, can have on you is found in securing a sense of purpose and control over your life. And you have to be an active participant in this process.

Be a Hill Climber

Before you can actively build your new life, you have to take responsibility for your well-being and release any residual victim mindset. This step perhaps takes the most amount of courage. You have to be willing to be vulnerable, to see yourself as you are and to fully shoulder the responsibility for your own choices and actions. There is a difference between what happened to you (which you cannot control) and your response (which you can).

Thriving After Divorce: From Victim to Victor

Before you can take responsibility for your well-being, you have to process the marriage, its end and your actions and emotions. If we do not understand the past, we are doomed to repeat it. Life has a sneaky way of presenting us with lessons until we have fully learned them. It’s impossible to process fully while you’re in the midst of something. Now that you’ve gained some distance and perspective, you can begin to break it apart so that you can gain wisdom.

12 Reasons to Journal After Divorce

Before you process the past, you have to shift your focus from your history to your potential. If you spend too much energy focused on the past, you will become a prisoner of the past. You may not be ready to fully move forward, but now is the time to plant the seeds of hope and promise. These are dreams, inoculations from rumination and despair.

Life in Transition

Before you can have hope for the future, you have to fall out of love with your former partner. For some, this is easy as the love has been dying for years. For others, especially those blindsided by a sudden divorce, this is a more difficult and deliberate process.

How to Fall Out of Love

Before you can fall out of love, you have to attend to the practical day-to-day needs. You cannot tend to your emotional wounds until your physical needs have been addressed. This can be daunting, especially if you have been left with no apparent means of income or the burden of debt. Been there. It sucks.

18 Steps to Financial Independence After Divorce

And before you can attend to the practical, you have to accept that the marriage is over. This is where it begins. An acceptance that it’s over. Even if it’s not what you wanted.

Finding Happiness After An Unwanted Divorce

 

Coping With Divorce – You Don’t Have to Do It Alone

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A F.A.Q. Guide to the online course, Thriving After Divorce: From Victim to Victor.

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Why did you create this course?

When I was in the early stages of my own divorce, I was desperate for help and yet frustrated with what I found. Every resource seemed to only apply to people who were undergoing “good” divorces. And mine was anything but. I wanted to create something that would help people regardless of the specifics of their situation and that could help people learn from (and move on from) even the worst situations.

Who can benefit from this course?

Do you feel like you’re merely surviving in your life and you want to fully thrive? Do you feel like the end of your marriage is still defining you and you’re ready to create your own meaning? Do you still find that you are overwhelmed with emotion that sneaks up on you and you want to regain a sense of control? Do you know where you want to be but you feel stuck where you are (especially due to factors outside of your control)? Are you tired of using your divorce as an excuse and you’re ready to learn how it can be your inspiration? Do you need a helping hand or a kick in the rear (or both!) but you don’t have the time and/or money to invest in traditional coaching sessions?

Then this course is for you.

Although the term, “divorce” is used throughout, this course is beneficial for anyone who has been through the end of a relationship and feels as though they are not living as fully as they can.

What can I expect to get out of the course?

After completing the course, you will gain a greater sense of responsibility and control over your own life and happiness by realizing how much power you have to change your responses. You will develop tools and strategies to address the negative emotions that arise and build confidence in your own strength. Finally, you will be able to gain a greater understanding of how your divorce fits into your larger life picture and perceive the lessons hidden within.

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How is the course organized and what does it contain?

The course is organized into 12 modules. Each module consists of two video entries that provide background information, motivation and inspiration.

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The videos are followed by a Call to Action, which give you specific strategies to address the focus of the module. These are divided into three sections: Think (affirmations and quotes to help shift your thoughts), Write (a total of 7 journal prompts per module) and Do (easy-to-implement, concrete actions that put your thoughts and writing into action).

Why did you chose these 12 areas?

These 12 areas grew out of my coaching practice and interaction with readers. Over the past several years, I have found that these are the most common areas where people feel “stuck” after divorce.

Why do you include journaling in the program?

I am a strong believer in the benefits of journaling, especially when it is designed to encourage forward thought and action. The words we say to ourselves truly have power, especially when they are written. It is the bridge between thought (where it begins) and action (where the magic happens).

think write do

There are two types of writing exercises in the course. The first is a journal following my three-section design: past/pain, present/problem-solving and future/hope. You are provided a prompt for each section that helps you purge the negative emotions, process your thoughts and leaves you excited about the potential. The second type of exercise is in the form of an unsent letter. You are provided with a prompt and the addressee for each one. It’s amazing how powerful it feels to express your thoughts to those that harmed you – even if the draft remains unsent.

Don’t worry if you’re not a writer. These are personal exercises and the benefit is in the doing, not in the craftsmanship.

Do I have to commit to a certain schedule or sequence?

This is the beauty of a digital coaching course – you complete what you want, when you want. Although the modules do build upon each other to some extent, they are completely autonomous and can be completed in any order.

How long does it take to complete the course?

To fully complete the course and participate in all of the exercises, it will take a minimum of a few months if you work at it consistently. Or, if you prefer, you can participate as the need arises. Again, the course is self-paced and personalizable to your needs.

Can you tell me more about the platform? Is it secure? Can I use it on my phone or tablet?

The course is available on Udemy, a well-known and well-respected teaching and learning platform. You can access the program at any time on your computer via your browser or through a free app on your phone or tablet.

Does my access ever expire?

Nope! You have unlimited access whenever you want!

I’m doing the program and I have a question. Is there support available?

Sure! You can either start a discussion on the course site if you want the input of the community or you can email me if you want my support.

You’ve put your life on hold long enough.

Start living today!

Why settle for good when you can be even better?

start now board

6 Steps For Moving On After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve had so many people contact me looking for a specific action plan to move on after divorce. And I’m working on something along those lines. Something big. And also something time-consuming, so you’ll have to be patient:)

In the meantime, here’s something to get you started if you are finding yourself paralyzed with inaction. I’ve broken it down into six steps. I know that sometimes moving on feels impossible; just focus on one step at a time. And then the next.

Belief

Hope. Faith. Trust. Whatever you call it, it starts here. If you believe you won’t be able to move on, your thoughts will help to keep you anchored. If you have conviction that the best is yet to come, you open the door. The way you feel right now is not the way you will always feel. What seems of such critical importance right now will in time, feel inconsequential. At this step, you do not need to know how you will get there, you just have to believe that you will.

Decision

The Secret isn’t enough. It takes more than positive thought to create change. You have to make your “hope” an active verb. This is a difficult step and a critical one. It’s easy to bypass and then get stuck further along. At this point, your job is to make the decision to move on. Make it your mantra. Don’t just say it, feel it. Be so committed to moving on that you won’t let anything get in your way. Channel your inner bull and use that stubbornness to take the next step.

Plan

I’m assuming your basic goal is to feel better, put this behind you and be happy again. Awesome goal. Now, break it down. Even smaller. This step can feel overwhelming if you are focusing on something too big. Small and doable is better than big and overwhelming any day. Baby steps will still get you to the finish line.

Start with one or two specific areas you want to change. Problem solve and brainstorm some potential solutions.

Tired of the crying that keeps you up at night? Maybe purge your thoughts in a journal before bed. Or redirect your thoughts with a funny show. Or take a walk to reset your brain.

Be specific.

Be measurable.

Be actionable.

It matters less what it is than that you have identified an area to focus on and thought of something to try. And make sure those plans are in writing; it helps with the next steps.

Action

So, you believe you can move on. You’ve dug in your heels and declared you’re going to do it. And you’ve even identified one or two changes you can make to help get you there.

Fantastic.

Now do it.

Accountability

Change is hard. And when that change is all mucked up with emotion? Yeah. Not impossible. Not by a long shot. But definitely harder.

So, find a way to hold yourself accountable. Start by making your plan highly visible. Track your progress. Share your journey with others.

You cannot outsource healing; you have to do it yourself. Be careful not to fall into the trap of, “I’ll do … as soon as (anybody that you cannot control) does …” You’ll be waiting a long time. And remember, you’re too stubborn to let anybody or anything hold you back.

Here’s a whole list of ways to help make your change lasting change.

Reflection

So you’ve made it this far. Maybe you’re thinking, “Cool. I feel better.” Or, more likely, you’re more, “I’m still kind of sucky. Maybe it’s a bit better, but I’m not sure.”

Remember how I said the way you feel now is not the way you’ll always feel? Well, we often also believe that the way we feel now is the way we’ve always felt. So dig into that journal. Look back at emails or posts. Evaluate your progress. Have you taken a baby step (or two)? They’re hard to see until you look back.

How is your action plan working? Does it need a tweak? Do you need a new focus? No problem. These steps for moving on aren’t linear. Take them as many times as you need to.

So believe you can. Decide you will. Plan your approach. Take the steps. Accept responsibility. And welcome perspective.

You got this.

Related: 6 Reasons You’re Having Trouble Moving On