Half marathon

I run not to get away, but to get through.

I run not to become out of breath, but to gain breath.

I run to be social and I run for solitude.

I run to connect and I run to disconnect.

I run not to avoid work, but to inspire work.

I run to feel empowered and I run to remind myself that I am still weak.

I run to meditate and I run to ruminate.

I run not to lose weight, but to gain balance.

I run because it is what I do.

Because I run, I can be who I am.

And that is why I run.
And tomorrow, I will run 26.2 miles. I ran my first race, a half marathon, just three years ago. I was weak and skinny. I made it through by mental determination alone. I didn’t let the body know that it couldn’t make it. I’m in a very different place now. I have trained for months and dialed my nutrition in. I’m ready. That first race was run to prove to myself that I could make it through seemingly insurmountable odds as I faced the legal process of the divorce and the struggle to find myself among the debris left behind. This race will be run to remind myself of how far I have come and to celebrate the journey.

The miles feel shorter now. What seemed impossible three years ago is now quite probable. My challenge this time is to release expectations, enjoy rather than endure, and simply be in each mile. I placed myself in a slower corral so that I am forced to start slowly and be aware of my surroundings. I’m looking forward to hearing the bands (not too much country, please!!!!) and meeting new friends along the way. I’m excited about spending time in a beautiful city with my boyfriend and meeting up with an old friend.

My dad sent me a wonderful, encouraging email yesterday reminding me that this marathon is nothing compared to the theoretical ones I have already run and that victory lies not in the timing chip but in the wealth of friends and family. Thanks, dad, for the reminder. I might need it at mile 22!

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It’s time for another race.

I ran my first race, a half marathon, 3 months after he left. I signed up because I needed a challenge. I needed something tangible that I could overcome in a set amount of time. I needed to prove to myself that I had the strength, both mental and physical, to push through and endure. Training gave me a focus, a purpose. At that time, it served as motivation to eat so that I could gain enough weight to handle the distance. It kept me moving on days I wanted to stutter to a stop. The race gave me a reason regain my physical health and an outlet for my mental health; that first race both gave me a reason to get well and proof that I could endure.

Although I ran many more races, my next challenge was Tough Mudder the following year. The motivation this time was somewhat different. I saw this as an opportunity to overcome the adversity with a partner, my boyfriend of less than a year at that point. It was a test of trust, of bonding, of partnership. Sharing the experience and overcoming the obstacles together brought us closer. The physical demands also stepped up my game; the half marathon I ran 7 days later was a mere blip on the screen after what those crazy Mudders put me through.

It’s been a year and I haven’t faced another challenge. It’s time for another race.

I’ve signed up for a marathon this fall. My first. I’m doing this one alone, in contrast to the first two. This will be my longest distance by far; I have yet to run more than 15 miles in a stretch. But that’s not really the challenge. I’ve shied away from this ultimate run in the past because of the training requirements; they are quite daunting. My challenge this time and my motivation is to learn how to maintain balance in my life even when something is pulling at me like an impatient toddler. I want to complete the training without being consumed by the training. I need to prove to myself that I can tackle a challenge and continue to live in the process. So, here’s to 26.2!

I’m a little afraid of what next year might bring if I continue this pattern…

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