The Five Kinds of People You Need in Your Life During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I developed an unlikely friend during divorce. She was 22 to my 32. She was wildly single, never having even been in a single serious relationship, whereas I had been partnered half of my life. She was carefree, while I was burdened. Naive in contrast to my tendency to somehow attract too much life experience.

Yet even though we were polar opposite in many ways, she became not only a friend, but even a type of mentor for me.

Because divorce is a strange time. You lose some friends, yet you gain a greater appreciation for those who stay. You cut some people off while you extend an invitation to others. You may find yourself drawn to different kinds of people and more receptive to the gifts that they have to offer.

Through hindsight and the unique perspective of hearing about the divorce recovery process from so many others, here are the five (very different) kinds of people that can help you through divorce. 

 

 

 

So Your Ex Wants to Be Friends?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I am in complete and total awe and amazement of those who manage to be friends with their exes after divorce. I feel like I’m doing well to be able to speak his name (rarely) without vomiting.

Yet some make it work. Sometimes they discover they get along as long as they’re not married. Or they rediscover a friendship after the animosity of the divorce has faded. The truly heroic manage to create families that blend the old and the new.

But for every pair that has a mutually agreeable relationship after divorce, there seems to be a couple dozen that don’t. Some are at perpetual war, either of the cold or hot variety. Others maintain a civil discourse or avoid contact all together.

And then there’s this situation, where one person wants the ex at arm’s length (at least) and then the ex implores, “Can we please be friends?”

Here are ten questions to ask yourself before you answer this question. 

After Divorce: The Compelling Case for Detached Compassion

Posted on by stilllearning2b

“My ex was such a big part of my life my so many years, I can’t imagine not being friends with them.”

“After what my ex did to me, there’s no way that I can ever forgive them. I’m just so angry.”

“I just heard that my ex is already dating again! Can you believe that?!?”

“My ex keeps asking for my advice. I want to help, but I always end up feeling rotten after the call. What should I do?”

I’ve heard them all. More than once.

And even though the situations are all different, they all have a common theme.

Attachment.

Only now that you’re divorced, those bonds have become restraints.

“A feeling of aversion or attachment toward something is your clue that there’s work to be done.” Ram Dass

Yes, it would be awesome for you to be able to be friends with your ex. But that tricky navigation will take time and (I’m sorry to say) may never happen depending upon your circumstances. Be open to the possibility, explore the option if you’re interested, but release your attachment to the outcome.

Yes, your ex did you wrong. Way wrong. And you have every right to be angry. But the misdeeds have already been done. That’s over and no amount of anger can change that. The rage that you’re holding is holding you back, causing you even more pain that the initial injury. Releasing it doesn’t release your ex, it releases you.

Yes, your ex jumped quickly into the dating scene. Maybe even before the marriage over. It’s hard to see them with somebody else, hard to not feel as though you’re being replaced. Your interested because you’re used to being interested and perhaps because you’re hoping to uncover some signs of their unhappiness or their new partner’s shortcomings. Accept that your life is no longer tethered to theirs and if you need to feel as though you’re doing better, focus on building you instead of looking for their defects.

“The more attached we are to a vision of the future, the less present we are to what is actually trying to emerge here and now.” Peter Merry

Yes, your ex keeps reaching out to you. Perhaps they’re used to depending on you for advice and guidance. Maybe they’re playing around with the idea of rekindling a romance with you. Or maybe they’re just playing you. Your emotional reaction to the contact is your sign that your boundaries are being tested. It’s too much and/or it’s too soon. Yet, on some level, the contact feels good. Normal. And it feels good to be needed. Yet, by allowing yourself to put in this role, you’re allowing yourself to be stuck in this role.

The solution?

Compassionate detachment.

It works if your ex is a potential friend down the road or a foe of the worst kind.

It’s applicable if you have to maintain a co-parenting relationship or you will never see them again.

It’s effective in every situation because it only depends on you and your reactions, not on your ex.

Compassionate detachment means that you take a step back. It’s the difference between being soaked in the storm and watching the rain through the window.

Compassionate detachment means that you find a place of empathy for a fellow human being. It’s the difference between squishing the ant on the sidewalk and allowing it to go on its way.

Compassionate detachment does not preclude the opportunity of a friendship; closeness can always be found down the road.

Compassionate detachment does not mean no consequences; if your ex behaves poorly, it’s not your job to protect them from feeling the effects.

Compassionate detachment does not immediately extinguish your impulse to know what your ex is doing; the preoccupation will decline as you maintain the distance.

Compassionate detachment does not mean no boundaries; establish guidelines to protect yourself and help them when you choose to.

And finally, compassionate detachment does not mean forgetting or ignoring. It means releasing the emotional attachment to the event and the person.

Strive to lead with compassion and detach from the outcome.

“Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent. On the contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over our mind through understanding the real causes of happiness and fulfillment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and suffer less.” Kathleen McDonald

 

The Three Golden Rules of Complaining

Posted on by stilllearning2b

We all do it – Grumble and moan about the things that just aren’t going right. Vent out the vitriol accumulated after some perceived wrongdoing. Or harbor a tendency to paint a situation in negativity, focusing on what is lacking rather than on what is there.

We all do it – We complain out loud and even in our own heads. We seek empathy and understanding and commiseration. “That must really suck. I’m sorry.”

We all do it – Sometimes even to the point of habit. A constant low-level whine of bellyaching. That eventually becomes tuned out by the listeners and turned up by the complainer.

Complaining has a place. It’s not reasonable or natural or even desirable to always see and speak of the sunny side. But complaining has a tendency to overstep its bounds. To act like a vapor in unbounded space, spilling into every crack and crevice.

So set some boundaries. Some rules.

The three golden rules of complaining:

1 – Does My Complaining Serve a Purpose?

Are you simply needing to to vent? Are you seeking commiseration? Are you wanting to motivate change, in yourself or others? Are you intending to highlight a transgression with the intention of increasing awareness?

Before you complain, become conscious of your goal. Even better, communicate your goal. And if there isn’t one, perhaps the words are best left unsaid.

2 – Am I Complaining To the Right Person?

If you are seeking change in somebody, that person is the one to speak to. If you are wanting to vent, make sure that you select a trusted ear that understands that words spewed in the heat of the moment may be more intense than intended. If you are looking for comfort, ensure that you don’t constantly complain to the same person; they will develop empathy fatigue after a time and your moans will have a diminishing return.

3 – How Will I Follow-Up?

In order for complaining not to become your default setting, it needs to be followed by either action, acceptance or release. Consciously choose one.

Act.

Surrender.

Or let go.

 

7 Areas to Upsize During Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b
upsize

Divorce is a pruning of your life. Limbs are removed and the whole is pared back, perhaps to its base, leaving only the bare minimum needed to sustain life. There are many areas where it is prudent to downsize to simplify and remove excess stressors, focusing only on the most critical needs.

But divorce is more than the removal of a life; it is the beginning of a new life. It is the intersection of loss and opportunity. And even though there are some areas where contraction makes sense, there are other areas where you can expand and grow.

The following are 7 areas you may want to consider upsizing during divorce:

Passions

We all start out life passionate about something. And then, over time and with increasing responsibilities, that passion is often relegated to the dusty shelves as it is replaced by more practical affairs. Now is the time to dust them off. Your passions help to reunite you with your core self, reminding you of who you were before the marriage. They provide welcome relief from the pain as you enter into a state of flow, acting as both distraction and sustenance for the soul.

Pick up that untuned instrument. Unearth your old paints. Sign up for a softball team. Brew your own beer. It doesn’t matter what it is, just that it is something that you truly love to do. So leave the excuses and just do it.

“Me Time”

Divorce is draining and exhausting. Maybe you normally balance taking care of kids, pets, coworkers and aging parents with barely a blink. It’s okay to take a break. To ask for help. To allow others to carry part of the load. So that you can take time for yourself. No guilt allowed. Until your oxygen mask is firmly affixed and you are breathing deeply, you can’t do much for others. So, carve out time for yourself and then take it.

Investments

Divorce can make the future a scary place. The well-laid plans were washed away by tears and the new blueprints have not yet been drawn up. That’s okay. There’s no rush. Yet even when you don’t know where you’re going, you can still start making some investments in your future. These may be financial, seeding your own savings or retirement. The investments may be in the form of education, starting a new degree or certification program that will open up new doors. Maybe it’s taking the first steps towards completing your first triathlon. Or even something as small as planting a tree that will shade your favorite spot on the patio. You will have a full life after divorce. Start funding it now.

Friends

This is an area that may need both upsizing and downsizing. While you may use this time to remove friends that no longer fit, divorce is also a great time to make new friends. I know it may feel overwhelming, especially if you are of a more introverted nature. But the effort is worth it. New friends introduce novelty and excitement. They give you an opportunity to try on your new persona and shed the skin of “the divorcing one.” The making of and keeping of friends require that you remain engaged in life. They encourage you to get out of your house and out of your comfort zone. Some of these friendships may be lasting and others may come and go. That’s okay. Let your friendships evolve as you do.

Exercise

There is a positive association between movement and mood. It’s easy to feel depressed when fully couch-locked. It’s much harder when peddling for your life in a spin class, shaking your booty in Zumba or power-walking through the park. If you had an exercise habit before the divorce, take this opportunity to upgrade it. Give yourself a new challenge. Try a variation or increase your mileage. If you normally go at it alone, see what a group class is like. If you gravitate towards the crowd, experiment with a solo venture.

If you haven’t been exercising, this is your chance to start. Here are some ideas to help you make movement a habit and create lasting change. And, if you’re unsure where to start, this list can give you some pointers about which type of exercise may be best for you.

Confidence

Feeling low? You just need to supersize your confidence. I know it’s hard to do when you feel like you’ve been kicked and then kicked again. The good news? – Just the process of divorce serves to build your confidence. And in the meantime, here are 21 ways, both large and small, that can boost your confidence. Everything starts with conviction. And that faith comes from trusting and believing in yourself. You’re awesome. You can do this.

Dreams

Life is a series of choices. And each decision we make eliminates the possibility of other paths. Divorce is a do-over in many ways. Some of those dreams that were sacrificed for earlier choices may be on the table again. See your dreams as a type of brainstorming. Allow them to flow without judgement or censorship. Explore the possibilities and alternates. Don’t rush into making decisions; enjoy the fantasies for a time. Expand your potential. And then act on it.