Why Do We Fall in Love With People That Are Bad For Us?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When I first started dating, I sought out boys that were the opposite of my father.  My logic went like this – my parents divorced, therefor my father didn’t make a good husband, so I would be better off avoiding guys that mirrored my dad.  And I soon fell in love with the man that would eventually become my husband.

It was only years later that I learned that by studiously avoiding certain characteristics. I inadvertently agreed upon other traits that were most decidedly unhealthy at best and criminal at worst. Traits that I was completely blind to at the time.

He was “Husband of the Year” to my face and a lying, cheating, stealing bigamist behind my back.

I’m not alone in giving my heart to someone who would ultimately be detrimental to me.

Why is it that even the most educated and emotionally intelligent people fall in love with people that are bad for them?

Habit– We all have a tendency to do what we have done. Mirror what we have seen. If you grew up in an abusive household, you are more likely to find yourself partnered to an abuser. If you were parented by an alcoholic, you will be drawn to the same. If you have a propensity for the lost boys, you will continue to blindly seek them out until you make an effort to break the habit. Overcoming a habit takes mindful attention; before you can change your patterns, you must become aware of your patterns.

Sunk Cost Fallacy– Just because you have put time and energy into nurturing a relationship, does not mean that the relationship should last. Sometimes, by the time the early infatuation has faded and we realize that somebody is a mistake for us, we feel like we have already invested too much into the relationship to bring it to an end.  This is often compounded by a reluctance to admit to ourselves or others that we chose poorly. It’s better to be embarrassed for a moment than treated poorly for a lifetime.

Are You Falling For the Sunk Cost Fallacy in Your Relationship?

Sliding In– You meet somebody. You’re attracted to them and you have a good time together. So you agree to a second date.  And then a third. Before you know it, you’ve moved in together after justifying that it makes sense to save on rent. And then marriage just seems like the next inevitable step, even if neither one of you have actually given it much thought. The person that made for a great first date may not necessarily be one that makes for a great partner.

Low Self – Esteem  – Maybe you feel like you’re not good enough and that you deserve someone who treats you poorly. Or you find your worth through helping others and so you’re drawn to those that need fixing or enabling. When our self-esteem is low, we inadvertently project it, attracting people that are also lacking in confidence or, even worse, pulling in people that prey upon the weak. A vicious cycle can begin where the person with low self-esteem is drawn to people that use manipulation and emotional abuse to further lower self-worth. How people treat you really does start with how you treat yourself. You must create a healthy relationship with yourself before you can entertain one with someone else.

The Love You Find When You Struggle to Love Yourself

Feeling Lonely – The distress of being alone is one of the great universal human fears. And we will go to great lengths to avoid it. Even as far as getting with and staying with somebody that isn’t right for us with the belief that somebody is better than nobody. The great irony here is that feeling isolated and misunderstood within a relationship is infinitely more painful than actually being alone.

Potential – We often fall in love with a person’s potential rather than their reality. We see their inherent gifts and believe that if they simply made some basic changes, that they would be better. Both for them, and for us. Of course, the reality is that you can never change another person, only your response to them.

Are You in Love With the Person or With Their Potential?

Rationalize – Their behavior will change once we get married/have a child/change jobs/move to the new house. They may treat me badly sometimes, but they are a great parent/provider/respected community member. I know they’re not good for me, but I need to stay because I can’t be alone/handle my own finances/find anybody else. Consistently defending somebody’s behavior (whether your own or your partner’s) is a sign that something is amiss and you are not yet willing to face it.

How can we move on from the damaging relationships and learn to give our hearts to those who deserve it?

  1. Focus less on what made your former partner bad and more on why you were drawn to them.
  1. Look for patterns in your past relationships – are you replaying roles from your childhood or consistently picking the same kind of ill-suited partner?
  1. Are you putting up with consistently poor treatment? Work at setting and maintaining boundaries.
  1. Spend time with people who celebrate your gifts and cherish you as you are. Let their love help you develop your own sense of worth.
  1. Forgive yourself for the poor choices you have made. Rather than beat yourself up, strive to learn from your mistakes.
  1. Understand that just because you made a poor choice, you can still make better choices.

During my own divorce, I was able to reconnect with my father. And I discovered that he is an amazing man with many traits that I would love to have in a partner. And so the second time around, I sought out a husband that had those characteristics and who treats me well not only to my face, but also behind my back.  A man that challenges me to become better while celebrating my strengths. This time, I fell in love with somebody who is good for me.

And I have faith that you can do the same.

Six Reasons Smart People Are Dumb in Love

Posted on by stilllearning2b
smart people dumb love

I’ve always considered myself a smart person. And so, when I was confronted with the harsh reality of how stupid I was in my first marriage, it was a tough reality to accept.

How could I be SO dumb when it comes to love?

1 – Smart People Are Still Subject to the Addictive Nature of Love

No matter how smart you are, you are still impacted by your biology. And our biology has evolved to encourage us to form strong social bonds and to procreate. Oxytocin and serotonin help to create the feeling of love and encourage us to stay close.

But those aren’t the dangerous one.

That moniker goes to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that gives us a little jolt of pleasure whenever it is stimulated. And the best way to stimulate is through intermittent rewards.

Dopamine is present in high amounts at the beginning of a relationship when you cannot stop thinking about the other person. It’s the first, heady rush of the drug in your system. And it can easily become the dragon you keep chasing.

Manipulative people are masters at controlling the dopamine response in their partners. These are the abusers that follow their assault with copious amounts of affection and attention. Or, the ones who ignore your bids for attention and then randomly provide you with the love hit that you crave. They control you as surely as researchers doling out treats to the rats in the cage.

Much like any addict, when you’re under the influence of love, you can do some irrational and dumb things while seeking out the next high. And like any addict, it’s difficult to see the addiction while you’re still under its spell.

2 – Smart People Set Goals for Themselves and Are Used to Achieving Them

Smart people are used to dictating their lives. When they set goals of getting married by a certain age, they fully intend for that to happen. The problem arises when the goal of marriage becomes the sole focal point and the nature of the specific relationship is viewed as secondary.

In school, there is a direct correlation between the hours of study and score on the exam. At work, more effort leads to better results. When it comes to fitness, more hours at the gym results in a more favorable outcome. Yet in love, the corollary between energy and results is much more nebulous because no matter how much we try, we cannot control the behaviors of others.

You can set all the goals you want for your relationship. But if your partner does not share those goals or refuses to put forth the effort to reach them, those goals become moot. This is a difficult truth for smart people, especially when they see the potential within their partner. The question then becomes, are you in love with the person or with their potential?

3 – Smart People Have High Expectations of Themselves and Assume the Same of Others

Smart people are experts at reflection and course correction. They have high expectations of themselves and are often on a lifelong journey of self-improvement. They naturally assume that everyone else is capable of self-reflection and can articulate what they want. Unfortunately, this is not always the case. 

There are people who go through life taking advantage of those who see the best in others. People who do not hesitate to operate behind the veil of optimism and good graces. It’s almost impossible for those victimized by this behavior to understand it because it is so far removed from their very nature.

4 – Smart People Adapt to Their Environments

When you put sane people into an insane environment for any length of time, they will begin to adapt in order to survive. The analogy of slowly turning up the heat in order to boil the frog is apt here; even as the situation becomes dire, there is a constant recalibration of “normal.”

Smart people are good as assessing a situation and responding in a way that is advantageous for survival. Often, this is a desirable response. But when the response means that you have to continually bite your tongue or hide your true nature, the reactions have become maladaptive.

When the situation is toxic, it may be better to escape rather than to continually acclimate. After all, even if the water no longer feels hot, it can still scald.

5 – Smart People Often Trust Their Brains More Than Their Guts

When you’re smart, you learn to trust in your perceptions and your conclusions. You become adept at analyzing a situation and assembling evidence to support your case. This trait, useful in most areas, can be dangerous when it comes to love.

First of all, we want to believe that we made a sound decision when we selected our partner. So we’re reticent to admit to any signs that perhaps we made a mistake. Additionally, we fear losing love and ending up alone. So we create complicated narratives that excuse red flags in order to avoid facing that painful experience.

Smart people often dismiss their gut feelings, viewing intuition as a lesser skill than reasoning and believing only in things that can be proven through factual evidence.

Even when we can’t prove them, our gut feelings are important. They often operate like the sensors placed to recognize even the slightest increase in seismic activity. The disturbances are so slight that they operate below the level of conscious awareness, yet the gut can still tell that “something” is off.

6 – Smart People Fall Into the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” Because They Don’t Like to Quit

Once you have invested years into a relationship, it’s easy to use the time spent as justification for spending more time and energy. Sometimes, this inclination is advantageous. But if the demise of the relationship is inevitable, it’s simply throwing good money after bad in a desperate attempt to keep from admitting defeat.

Smart people have learned that success comes from effort and perseverance. They may struggle to understand the distinction between quitting (born from fear or frustration) and letting go (which arises from courage and acceptance). As a result, they will often do – and try – anything to keep from giving up. Even if it means giving up on themselves.

There is a silver lining to all of this…

Smart people learn from their mistakes. They understand how to break down a situation and reflect upon its merits and detriments. Smart people don’t shy away from responsibility or hard work. They see the correlation between effort and outcome and know that anything worthwhile isn’t easy to obtain.

Smart people can learn how to become smart in love.

IMG_3594

Why Do We Fall in Love With People That Are Bad For Us?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you ever fallen for someone that turned out to be bad for you? Who left you worse off than you were before? Who perhaps used you or abused you?

My hand is sure is sure raised.

And I know I’m not alone in this.

So why is it that we fall so easily for those who treat us badly? And what can we do to keep it from happening again? Learn more here.

Every Season Has Its Blessings

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My plants look tired. The once-green foliage has become yellowed from the demands of growth amidst the heat of the summer. Many of the blooms have gone, leaving only the bare stalks as a reminder of the previous bounty. Even the trees look weary, their spotted and pock-marked leaves dulled before they take on the brilliant hues of autumn.

I always feel a restlessness along with a surge of energy around the changing of the seasons. In my area of the country, each chapter in our trip around the sun overstays its welcome by just a few short weeks. And then it bows out, leaving the door open for the next visitor.

Of all these shifts, the slide into fall is perhaps my favorite. I love the crispness in the air, at first only hinted at through early morning breezes before the heat yet again dominates the day. I delight in those few days where a cold wind rustles the changed leaves, blowing them around like the bills in a money-grabbing booth at a fair, all under the still-warm sun.

I love the turning inward that naturally occurs as the temperatures drop and the days shorten. It’s a season where we cast aside the grand gestures and events of summer for more intimate and cozy affairs. It is a time of open windows with roaring fires. Of goosebumps over still-exposed skin with a warm mug nestled between the hands.

I see fall not as a shutting down, but as a necessary slowing down. A time to exhale the pace of summer and breathe in the richness of the season. It’s a time for gathering and preparing. For taking stock and making plans to survive the winter and celebrate the upcoming spring.

Every season has its blessings.

And that is true in our lives as well.

Divorce often heralds in the onset of a sudden and harsh winter. There is a dearth of shelter and the ice threatens to permanently encase your heart. The nights seem to grow until they touch each other, leaving only the barest glimpse of light between.

But what of the blessings?

From Winter Does Not Have to Mean Discontent:

The end of a marriage reminds me of a winter landscape.  All is laid bare.  The adornments and filigree are gone, leaving the structure exposed to the biting wind.  Its beauty is found in perspective.  In appreciating the rough nature of the bark, showing its scars and wear.  In gazing at the complexity of the interconnected branches in wonder.  In seeing the potential in every limb, every bud.  In imagining the new growth, just barely hidden below the surface, that will be revealed by the touch of the warm sun.

The winter of a marriage is also a time for viewing the underneath, what is left when all the distractions are stripped away.  It is a time to see yourself, your marriage, as it is, not as it may appear.  It is also a time to daydream about what can be and what can grow.

It’s so easy to become impatient with where we are and gaze longingly at where we want to be. There is nothing wrong of dreaming about spring even as winter sets in. Yet peace comes from accepting where you are and recognizing the blessings found within the season you find yourself.

Every season has its blessings.

Seasonal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I grew up in South Texas, which basically has two seasons: “knocking on the gates of hell” (where you risk 3rd degree burns just by simply going barefoot)  from about March to October and “I can wear jeans without suffering heatstroke,” frequently called “winter” by the rest of the country. Occasionally, a third season makes a brief appearance when the region receives five years worth of average rainfall in five hours and the interstates turn into swimming holes.

I never really understood seasons as a kid. Fall was marked by the start of the school year and the appearance of jack-o-lanterns (which usually looked as though they needed sunsreen and a fan) rather than by any real drop in temperature. Instead of arriving on the wind in a series of brisk cold fronts, the temperatures slowly seemed to moderate. The lows became a little lower and the highs seemed to struggle to reach their apex before the sun set. Winter was defined by the addition of Christmas lights and luminarios to the fronts of the houses, projecting a cozy ambiance even when you’re in shorts. The deciduous trees held stubbornly to their leaves until spring, when the new growth pushed off the old. Spring, a sign of renewal and life in much of the world, is the season of caterpillars and tree dropping in South Texas. At least until the temperatures grow too hot again for the trees to even bother with such things as leaves.

There were benefits to growing up without seasons – you could camp during fall and winter breaks, a winter coat was an indulgence rather than a necessity, and we used to have “heat days” off school when it was too hot for the busses to run. Nonetheless, there is something to be said for nature’s reminders of the inevitability of cycles and the impermanence of life.

I am now on my fifteenth autumn in Atlanta. And today marks the first day where fall is carried on the breath of the wind through the trees. I celebrated this morning with pumpkin pancakes and a pair of new running shoes.

There’s a slowing, a sense of turning inward, that accompanies the fall. I associate it with reading and cooking and hiking and writing by an open window. I’ve always felt a rebirth in the fall, perhaps because it marks the end of the intense heat and humidity that often terrorizes Atlanta towards the end of the summer. It’s literally a breath of fresh air.

I have fallen in love with the full expression of each season found here. I enjoy the sense of inner nurturing and scaling back in the autumn, the gatherings around the hearth in the winter, the strength of life in the spring and the pure exuberance of the summer. Just as one tires, the next moves in.

I love the reminder that change is inevitable and that every transformation has its own beauty.

And I also appreciate the fact that I can wear jeans in September without succumbing to heatstroke:)

Happy fall, y’all!