16 Widespread Misconceptions About Marriage

Posted on by stilllearning2b
misconceptions expectation

If I’m honest with myself, I entered into my first marriage with many of these misconceptions. These beliefs made recognizing and admitting to any cracks in the marriage a proposition too scary to face because any faults would threaten my assumptions.

And I’m not alone in these inflated expectations of marriage. Over time, matrimony has shifted from being an arrangement of mutual practical benefit to carrying the burden of meeting most of our social, emotional and physical needs. Could it be that one of the reasons for the increasing divorce rate is the corresponding rise in our expectations of marriage?

A good marriage begins by understanding what is meant by a “good” marriage, by having a realistic picture of what you can expect from your marriage, your spouse and yourself.

It starts here…

–1–

Idealistic Expectation: Getting to know your spouse happens before marriage.

We are often counseled to wait a specific number of years – usually 2 or 3 – so that we have plenty of time to get to know the person we are about to marry. It is often assumed that once you have seen the person at their best, at their worst and survived a road trip together that there is no mystery left.

Realistic Expectation: Getting to know your spouse is an ongoing process.

In a marriage of any duration, you are effectively married to several people as your spouse changes over time and as you learn more about them. If you believe that you have learned all there is to know about them and you effectively close your eyes and shut your ears to new information, you may just wake one day to discover that you are married to a stranger.

–2–

Idealistic Expectation: I expect my spouse to be my best friend.

I had this expectation of my ex, especially once we moved across the country together. I wanted him to be husband, lover and bestie, all rolled into one neat package.  Expecting your spouse to be best friend is a large burden for them to carry. Furthermore, narrowing your circle of influence is limiting to both you and your partner. It’s one thing to have your partner be a best friend. Something else for them to be your only best friend.

Realistic Expectation: I can expect my spouse to be one of the most important people in my life and to have our relationship occupy a more intimate space than any other relationship. 

It is completely reasonable for you to expect that your spouse is “your person.” They are the one you list as an emergency contact, the first you call with important news and the one you return home to each day. Additionally, it is entirely appropriate for your spouse to be your most emotionally intimate relationship and for there to be more shared with your spouse than anyone else. After all, there is a reason that you cannot be forced to testify against your spouse in court:) That being said, it’s also important to maintain close friendships outside of the marriage.

–3–

Idealistic Expectation: I expect my spouse to never hurt my feelings.

With this expectation, we become primed to take every slight, every cross word, personally. Yet the reality is that ANY two people that spend significant time together will inevitably hurt each other’s feelings. Often unintentionally.

Realistic Expectation: I can expect my spouse to not act out of malice or with an intent to manipulate.

Your marriage should be a safe space, both physically and emotionally. It’s one thing to push your spouse’s buttons at times, and something entirely different to strive to make them feel inferior or rejected. You can enter into marriage with an expectation that your spouse refrains from abusive behavior and that an effort is made to spend more time operating from a place of kindness than of crossness.

–4–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse should be able to tell when I am upset.

This expectation can lead to a toxic cycle. It begins when one partner becomes upset at the other and responds by actions (for example, withdrawing) rather than words. The initial slight becomes amplified with the belief that the other person should be able to correctly identify the emotional state and even the reason for the reaction.

Realistic Expectation: I can expect that my spouse will take an interest in my general well-being and to make an effort to be observant. 

Your spouse is not a mind reader. It is not fair to expect them to know what you do not say. That being said, it is fair to expect them to care about your emotional and physical state.

–5–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse and I should have similar interests.

I sometimes get strange looks when I engage in an activity with someone other than my husband. It seems to be assumed that we should accompany each other of any adventure, despite our independent interests. Yet if I dragged my husband to a botanical garden, we would both be miserable. I would rather attend with a plant-minded friend while he tinkers with his Corvette and then we can reunite and share the good feelings that arose independently.

Realistic Expectation: My spouse and I can have similar life goals and beliefs yet achieve those in different ways.

My now-husband and I are both passionate about helping people. I fulfill my altruistic drive by writing; he meets his by teaching people how to fight. On the surface, these activities could not be more different even though they are aligned in their larger meaning. And having separate lives enriches our life toegther.

–6–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse should be able to meet my needs.

I made the mistake in my first marriage of expecting my husband to help me recenter after a rough day at work. It was effective, but is also handicapped me and my emotional independence. I now find that the more I make sure that my needs for stress reduction and restoration are met apart from my marriage, the better spouse I can be.

Realistic Expectation: I have to take responsibility for making sure my needs are met in an honest and healthy way.

The only time it is appropriate to expect another to meet all of your needs is during infancy. After that, it becomes your responsibility to make sure your requirements are met. It is perfectly reasonable to turn to your spouse for some of your needs. But also ensure that you have other resources that you can turn to.

–7–

Idealistic Expectation: My spouse should never disappoint me.

Disappointments will happen. It doesn’t mean that your partner is evil or doesn’t love you. It means they are human.

Realistic Expectation: Although disappointments are inevitable, I can count on my spouse to not betray me.

There;s a difference between disappointments and betrayals (although sometimes we can treat the minor infractions as major missteps). Betrayals, with their deceptions and intentionality, speak to a lack of integrity.

Continue to read the rest.

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Get Used to Disappointment

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Well, maybe not disappointment so much as having expectations, making plans and then having to discard them. Again. And again.

I planned and prepared for a presentation I was supposed to give this past Monday.

And then school was canceled because of ice.

I prepared and stressed over a medical procedure that was scheduled for this past Tuesday.

And then the doctor’s office had to close because of that same ice.

I anticipated using Wednesday (where I already had a sub scheduled) to work on a project.

And then a massive headache turned production into endurance.

I reworked my lesson plans for the next few weeks assuming that we would be back in school by Thursday.

And then school was cancelled yet again.

I wore hiking boots to school on Friday in anticipation of another walk home from work in the ice like last year’s debacle.

And then the promised storm didn’t arrive until later.

And today? I’m just grateful that the colds that have plagued us are fading, the weather is warming and I don’t have too much more time to stress before the rescheduled doctor’s appointment.

Ahh…life. She certainly keeps us on our toes, doesn’t she? 🙂

Happy Saturday, everyone! Spring is just around the corner.

Accept Help. Don’t Expect Help.

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I’ve never been very good when it comes to accepting help.

I used to see it as a weakness to allow others to come to my aid. My “I can do it myself” attitude shone through even as a toddler when I would use some random object as a tool to allow me to turn on a light switch rather than wait for someone to do it for me. I had a strong need to independent. Sovereign over my own domain.

Which made my fourteenth year very challenging. I had surgery on my hand after which complications limited sensation and function in my right arm for several months. The girl who used to turn on her own lights even when she couldn’t reach was now dependent upon someone else to help her dress each day. Not an easy lesson in learning to accept help. In fact, as soon as I was physically able, I returned to my stubborn self-reliance.

Until I started dating my ex, that is. He slowly worked to soften me. Teaching me that it was okay to accept help. I still bucked him at every turn, except when I sick and too weakened to protest. But after turning away offers of assistance, I would usually kowtow to his headstrong ways.

And he was always willing to help. From rescuing me from a misbehaving car (I swear that seems to be a recent theme in my life!) to cleaning the house to taking me out to distract from an awful day at work, he was always there to lend a hand.

And I grew to expect it. He always had my back and so I assumed he always would.

Of course, what I thought was support, was really just a distraction from the knife he plunged into my back.

What’s that saying? Whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger? Well, Dear Whatever Doesn’t Kill Me, I’m strong enough already. Of course, maybe that wasn’t the lesson I needed to learn. Maybe I needed to learn to accept weakness.

 

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I got better at accepting help during the divorce. Much like the-year-with-no-arm, I didn’t have much of a choice. Although I could dress myself this time around, I still needed assistance with many of the day-to-day necessities. But, unlike my experience at fourteen, I didn’t immediately revert to my intensely independent ways.

It was easy to learn to ask and accept help from friends and family.

But in my new relationship, it was a more difficult process. It’s hard for me to trust my husband to have my back, even though he always has. It’s hard for me to relax and depend on him for something. It feels risky. Scary. Vulnerable.

But those are necessary emotions in a healthy marriage. There is always risk.

I don’t think I’ll ever again have the blind faith that someone will always be there for me. But I think that’s okay. It means I can take care of myself if I have to and that I can accept a hand if it’s offered. It means I’m always grateful for any support that comes and not stranded if it doesn’t. It means I feel comfortable asking for assistance and that I can find a work-around if no help is available.

I think I’ve finally found a good balance now between independence and reliance.

I don’t expect help. But I accept it.

 

Are Expectations Dooming Marriage?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Expectations.

We build them up.

We revel in them.

And then, all too often, reality dashes them.

We hold them – the expectations and the actual – side by side and look for flaws, not unlike the drawings in the Hallmark magazines of our youth.

And we curse reality, bemoan our bad luck or grow angry at those who contributed to the failure of the imagined.

But maybe we’re directing our outrage the wrong direction.

Maybe it’s not reality that needs to change, but our expectations of it.

 

And now, more than ever before in history, we have very high expectations of marriage. Men and women no longer operate in defined domestic spheres, opening up vast swaths of terrain open to negotiation and yes, expectation. We are serenaded with romantic stories with all of the rough edges Photoshopped into perfection and we grow to expect our marriages to play out in kind. We expect our men to be emotional and our women to be equal wage earners, yet we don’t yet know how to negotiate the changes that ensue. We have lofty personal goals at the time of marriage and expect the marriage will support those goals. We marry young and carry the expectation that the chosen spouse will still be a match 50 or 60 or even 70 years down the line.

Expectations are not inherently damaging; they act as guides and as goals, especially when they reflect areas where you have control. Expectations become dangerous when they grow too strong and too broad, making assumptions about the behavior of others or of the stars.

The following are some of the potentially destructive expectations of marriage along with ways to shift those predictions into the realm of healthy and realistic:

 

He/she is my soulmate and will anticipate and meet all of my needs.

It used to be the expected norm that men and women would have many of their social needs met through same-gender friends. In our busy and transient lives, adult time with friends often gets shifted aside with the result of the spouse bearing the brunt of the social needs. It’s unfair and unrealistic to expect one person to meet (let alone anticipate) all of your needs. While most partners agree certain needs should only be met within marriage, there are many others that can be found through friends, classes or groups. If your spouse shares ALL of your interests, you are married to a mirror, not a person.

He/she will change after marriage (or the birth of a baby, or after the completion of school, etc.).

This is a dangerous expectation because it bases present decisions on imagined future results that are not under your control. Major events WILL  likely change your partner, but the change may not be in the direction you wanted. Make your decisions based upon the current day and the core traits that help one to navigate to change (adaptability, communication, perseverance) rather than hope alone. He or she may change but don’t assume.

The way things are in the beginning is the way they’ll always be.

The beginning of a relationship acts much like Photoshop; we filter out the negative and enhance the positive. Enjoy it. But don’t drown in it. Reality, when it comes, can be a bit of a shock, but it also carries with it the potential deeper trust and intimacy. Everything changes. To expect otherwise is to live in disappointment.

Good relationships don’t require effort and/or intention (i.e. work).

ANYTHING worthwhile in life requires effort. And that includes marriage. It shouldn’t feel like you’re slaving away in the salt mines every day but it also won’t always be a day at the beach. Know that some days will be harder than others and that, if done well, the work you put in will pay dividends in your marriage. A marriage that needs effort doesn’t mean it’s not good; it just means that it is a union between two humans.

We will grow together through life’s difficulties.

I wish this was always true. But statistics prove otherwise. Marriages are more likely to fall apart during times of strain: death or illness of a child, infertility, unemployment. We expect that the way we feel and the way we demonstrate those feelings about the event in question is the same way our spouse feels. There are no magic salves for relationships weathering crisis, but you can strive to make sure you are a strong team before the wave hits.

 

So, what are realistic expectations of marriage?

A partnership built upon shared goals and values that operates with mutual respect and fidelity. A marriage that is not perfect and two people who accept imperfections in themselves and their partner. A union that does not meet all of your needs but that acts as a safe haven where you can be vulnerable and intimate. A merger of two people who are willing to take responsibility and work for the betterment of both.

Marriage can be wonderful. But it won’t ever be perfect.

Make sure your expectations are in line.

The Impersonator

Posted on by stilllearning2b

With the advent of the warm weather, Brock and I have taken to practically living on the porch. The house is surrounded by mature trees and shrubs, which provide food and shelter for numerous birds. And squirrels. Always squirrels.

We enjoy sitting with our beverages and watching the live Nat Geo production unfold around us. Several weeks ago, Tiger became interested in the drama, taking an unusual obsession with one corner of the deck where a small tree has wrestled its way through the concrete that surrounds the driveway. We noticed that a blue jay seemed to take special interest in the beast around the same time, often protesting the dog’s presence with loud squawks while practicing an aerial routine fit for the Blue Angels.

During one of these early episodes of bird vs. pit bull, I heard the unmistakable screech of a hawk from high up in a maple that towered above us. I scanned the branches, looking for the large bird that was sounding the warning.

“Look. There it is! It’s a blue jay!” exclaimed Brock, pointing to a much smaller bird than expected whose beak was indeed moving in concert with the avian screams.

I had to chuckle. When the warnings of the blue jay weren’t enough to frighten Tiger, the clever bird decided to impersonate a much larger hunter.

Tiger, being a confident sort of dog, was unimpressed.

But I was.

I had fallen for the ruse, believed that the cry came from a hawk on the hunt rather than its songbird cousin.

It led me to contemplate all of the impostors I have encountered in my own life, from my ex husband pretending to be loving to an innocent basement impersonating a dragon’s lair. I had fallen more than once for the mask, not looking to see what was really hidden in the depths.

Mimicry is ubiquitous in the animal kingdom.

And it’s important to remember that we are members of that kingdom as well.

Things are not always as seem.

Take the time to look. To listen.

Be more like Tiger who approached without assumptions and let his other senses connect the dots to conclude that there was no threat (not that he would find a hawk all that frightening either!).

And less like a human, leading with the ego of experience and expectations.

 

And I’m happy to report our little deck-side drama has a happy ending. A little searching that day revealed a nest buried down in the small tree next to the deck. Inside the nest were three newly hatched blue jays, blindly looking for their next meal. We trained Tiger to avoid the area for the next several weeks as we watched the young birds grow and eventually leave the safety of their nest.

And we haven’t heard the screech of the false hawk since; the need for the mask has past.

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