After the Affair: Unraveling the Excuses

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Once caught, most partners who have been unfaithful begin to make excuses in a rather lame attempt to justify their actions. In fact, these excuses often begin even before the affair is uncovered. These are the same justifications that they often recite to the affair partner, to friends and to themselves (often to the point where they’re weaving an alternate narrative that alleviates the discomfort caused by cognitive dissonance).

All of these excuses that a cheater offers up neglect one basic fact – an affair does not occur in a vacuum.

There are often months or years between the start of the infidelity and the discovery. And during that time, you may not know, but you know. At some level, you are picking up that something isn’t right. You may question, only to receive reassurance, leaving you confused that your observations are being dismissed. You may sense a withdrawal and try to pinpoint its root cause, feeling trapped in a labyrinth of denial.

Much like a cancer before diagnosis, the affair affects you even before you can name it.

And many of the excuses that the cheater offers up are using your response to the unknown affair as justification for their decision to stray. They may be correct in those two things being related, but they have confused the cause and effect.

 

Unraveling the Excuses

 

They say that you’re needy, yet they are the ones that make you insecure.

Sometimes the usual affection lags, leaving you wondering if they’re still attracted to you. Or, it may come in the form of critical comments about appearance or increased comments about someone else’s. Other times, it’s a turning – or even a pulling – away.

When you’re afraid of losing something, grasping is a natural (although ultimately ineffective) response. When we feel a disconnect from our partners, we seek reassurance that everything is okay.

 

They say you’re crazy, yet they are the ones who drove you there.

“I wasn’t texting anyone last night,” they claim, causing you to question what you saw. Gaslighting is a common strategy used by cheaters to cover their tracks. It’s a form of mental abuse that leaves you doubting yourself and questioning everything you see and hear.

When you are living one experience yet being told it’s something else, it causes disorientation not unlike that which occurs with the optical distortions in a funhouse. Of course you’re going to act a little crazy when nothing makes sense.

 

They say you don’t give them enough attention, yet they’re too distracted to notice.

“They made me feel appreciated,” the cheating spouse often whines (frequently following up with the addition of, “I just wanted to be happy.”). They describe how they feel ignored at home. Yet the other side of this equation is that even when they are home, their attention is elsewhere.

This falls into the “grass is greener” misconception. They think it’s better with the affair partner because that is where they are looking. Meanwhile, they could be the centerpiece of your life, but since their head is turned, they are blind to it.

 

They say you’re distant, yet they pushed you away.

Sometimes, they claim that you have been the withdrawn one. Yet they fail to consider the reason for your disconnection. When we’re feeling rejection, one of the common responses is to wall-off, building a protective barrier between yourself and the world in an attempt to avoid feeling the pain.

When there is an ongoing affair, you most likely are not feeling safe in the relationship, even before you can pinpoint the reason. Since your partner isn’t provided you with that sense of security, you seek to create it yourself. By yourself.

 

They say you don’t know them, yet they refuse to open up.

“They know me. I feel seen,” the cheating spouse says of the affair partner. Yet, they fail to recognize that they have been closed off with their spouse (even when begged to explain what is wrong) and transparent with the affair partner.

One of the strange things about marriage is that it can become difficult to be vulnerable with your partner because the stakes are so high. And it can be easier to open up to a relative stranger because there is less to lose. But it’s not fair to get mad an someone for not knowing you if you do not provide them the opportunity.

 

They say you’re snooping and questioning, yet they are the ones hiding things.

They snap at you when you ask where they’ve been when they come home late again. They become angry when you glance over at their phone screen when it lights up. They accuse you of being jealous, of snooping and of being in their business.

Even for those who do not tend towards snooping behavior, an unconfirmed suspicion of an affair can lead to those actions.

 

They say you’re critical, yet they are the ones not holding up their end.

We all only have so much energy. During an affair, that energy is turned away from the marriage. Inevitably, that means that there is neglect of the life and responsibilities within the marriage.

An affair is a selfish act, and those that engage in them are often caught off guard when there are consequences. If they’re acting like an entitled jerk at home, they will face criticism. Probably justified.

 

They say you’re no fun, yet they leave you with all of the responsibilities.

“You’re just no fun anymore,” they whine, thinking of the alternate universe they have with their affair partner that is separate from mortgages and orthodontist appointments.

Life means growing up. It means sometimes setting aside what feels good in the moment for longer term goals. And those that cheat are more likely to be immature and want others to do all the heavy lifting for them.

 

They say you’re angry, yet they make false promises that lead to dashed expectations.

Of course you’re angry. They keep promising to come home on time, to put the phone away, to spend quality time with the family. Yet it never seems to manifest.

As your hopes and expectations are dashed again and again, you grow frustrated. Why can’t they do what they promised? Sometimes, they begin to see you in a disapproving and controlling parental role, keeping them confined. Yet they conveniently forget that they stepped into that life and its responsibilities willingly.

 

They say we’re the bad guy, yet they need us to be the bad guy to justify their choices.

This is what it ultimately comes down to. They want to have the affair. And so they’ll do anything they can to justify their reasons for doing what they want.

They blame their choices on your behaviors. Yet they fail to recognize the impact their choices have on you.

Finding Understanding In the Lies Cheaters Tell

Posted on by stilllearning2b

When Giving the Benefit of the Doubt Goes Too Far

Posted on by stilllearning2b
benefit of the doubt

I thought I was doing the right thing by giving my ex-husband the benefit of the doubt.

When he blamed a bank error for the lack of money in the checking account, I believed his explanation. As his demeanor shifted over our last months together and he seemed preoccupied, I was more than ready to blame it on the alarming and unusual hypertension issues he was having. And when he told me that he would never leave, I listened without reservation.

I had always believed that choosing to see your spouse in the best light possible was part of a happy marriage. What I didn’t realize at the time was that I had allowed giving the benefit of the doubt to go too far.

Instead of seeing the best parts of him, I was seeing the man I wanted him to be.

Lisa Arends

The following seven questions will help you determine if you are giving someone the benefit of the doubt or if you’re letting it slide into excusing poor behavior.

1 – Are you ignoring signs in your gut that something is wrong?

Our subconscious minds are smart. Very smart. And yet we often dismiss what they’re telling us because it doesn’t align with what our rational brains have concluded (AKA confirmation bias).

Are you experiencing headaches or stomach troubles? Getting sick more often? Having trouble sleeping? Feeling usually anxious or irritable? All of those can be signs that you’re ignoring something beneath the surface.


2 – Do you give this person the benefit of the doubt consistently and across many areas?

Everybody makes mistakes. And everybody has areas of weakness where they may struggle to meet your expectations. It’s kind and completely appropriate to give somebody the benefit of the doubt when they are coming from a place of good intentions and show regret and/or effort to improve.

Problems arise when you find yourself continually making excuses for the same person and when those pardons cover a wide range of behaviors and situations. It’s one thing for them to mess up periodically or to struggle within a defined area, but if there are more wrongs than rights, they may be taking advantage of your kind nature.

3 – Do you have anxiety when you consider looking closer or confronting the person?

Giving someone the benefit of the doubt should not a substitute for the difficult conversations. When you notice someone of concern, are you jumping to excuses in lieu of looking closer or asking questions? If so, you may be providing a shield for their covert operations.

Trust, but verify. Ask, but listen with an open mind. Be willing to give the benefit of the doubt because you believe in them not because you’re afraid to face the truth.

4 – Who is initiating giving the benefit of the doubt – you or your partner?

If your partner is frequently offering up excuses or providing you with guiding lines such as, “Come on, you know I would never mean to do that,” they may not be deserving of your confidence. Instead, if you reach the conclusion independently and without pressure, it is a sign that it may be deserved.

5 – Is there a discrepancy in your acceptance or certain behaviors with them versus other people?

Do you find that you make excuses for your partner’s behaviors but that you are less tolerant of similar in others? This is a sign that your feelings for your partner or commitment to the relationships may be blinding you to the truth.

It’s natural to interpret the actions of those we care about in a favorable light and to paint strangers more harshly. But when the discrepancy is great, it may be time to reconsider your stance.

6 – How do the facts align with your conclusion?

First, make sure that you have some facts to support your conclusion. Even if they’re circumstantial (after all, we’re trying to be intentional in a relationship, not win a court case). For example, if you’re tempted to pass off your partner’s withdrawal to a period of intensity at work, ask yourself if this is a typical pattern of behavior for them under similar circumstances.

If the facts are spare or you’re unsure about them, go ahead and give the benefit of the doubt while at the same time making a mental note. Or, if this is a one off, let it be. If you start to see a pattern, pay attention.

7 – Do you re-evaluate your stance periodically and are you willing to change your mind?

This is one of those uncomfortable truths that I don’t like to face – it probably took a tsunami-level betrayal for me to accept the reality about my ex-husband. Anything less, and I would have tried to have talk myself out of what I seeing.

He had proven himself trustworthy in the early years of our relationship and I let that conclusion stand for the next dozen or so years. I made the mistake of believing that he still was what he used to be. And I ignored any signs to the contrary.

Getting to know somebody never ends. Never allow yourself to become so comfortable in a relationship that you neglect to see the truth. Keep your eyes open and trust in yourself that you can handle whatever you see. Being generous with giving the benefit of the doubt is part of a happy marriage, but only if you give it mindfully and appropriately.

It’s good to give someone the benefit of the doubt but be careful that you’re not giving up yourself in the process.

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Been Cheated On? 8 Infuriating Excuses You Can Expect to Hear

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You discovered that your partner cheated.

Whether they decided to come clean or were caught in the act, there are certain excuses that cheaters tend to utter. These overarching phrases have a tendency to try to pass off blame and in doing so raise the ire of the betrayed spouse. Here’s what you’re likely to hear and the important truths that may be hiding behind the words.

“It was an accident.”

This excuse is especially infuriating because it implies that you’re a fool at the same time it completely brushes off any responsibility of the cheating parties. It also confuses intent with action. Even if the decision was not carefully premeditated, there were still plenty of opportunities to make a better choice before the clothes came off.

What it may mean… “I never thought I would cheat. I don’t see myself as a cheater. In some ways, that made me more vulnerable to the bad decision because I didn’t think that it could happen to me.”

“But I still love you.”

Sometimes this is uttered in an attempt to retain a hold on the marriage, either exclusively or in addition to the affair partner. Other times, it’s delivered as part of a “smoothing over” campaign, trying to limit the fallout from the affair. Sometimes the cheater honestly seems to believe that love fixes all. Including betrayal.

What it may mean… “I do love you. But I’m realizing that love is a lot harder than I expected. I’m afraid of losing you and I’m also afraid of being honest with you (or myself). But more than anything, I’m afraid of being alone.”

“What did you expect? After all, you…”

This excuse places the blame for the affair solely on the shoulders of the betrayed spouse. They may be painted as controlling, out of shape or overly focused on the kids or work. This is a devious excuse because there is often an element of truth in their chosen words. However, marital problems warrant a conversation, not an affair.

What it may mean… “I’ve never learned to accept responsibility. From my grades in school to my behavior in relationships, I always pass things off as somebody else’s fault. I don’t know how to admit to messing up.”

“You should have known it was going on.”

Again, the blame is shifted to the partner, only this time because of their trusting nature. Cheaters have a way of thinking that everybody behaves like them. Therefore, it’s your fault that you weren’t suspicious enough. Of course, this excuse conveniently ignores the fact that it’s too late by the time there is something to discover.

What it may mean… “Part of me wanted to get caught. I wasn’t comfortable with what I was doing, but I didn’t feel like I could stop.”

“It didn’t mean anything.”

This is a strange one to hear. On the one hand, it can be comforting to learn that (supposedly) there was no meaningful connection with the affair partner, that it was a meaningless fling. On the other hand, it’s hard to swallow that trust was destroyed for something that lacked significance.

What it may mean… “I don’t want to hurt or anger you any more than I already have. I’m not sure what it all means yet. I’m confused about how I feel.”

“If you were more open-minded…”

Cheaters have a propensity towards selfishness, putting their desires above the wants and needs of others. This excuse is an after-the-fact rewriting of the marital vows that again shifts the culpability to the betrayed partner.

What it may mean… “I’m not sure if traditional monogamy works for me. I’m interested in exploring other options but I’m not yet comfortable or brave enough to have that conversation.”

“I needed to feel appreciated/desired/understood.”

This is one of those excuses that is worth listening to in order to extract the truth within. Not feeling appreciated and desired is a common reason for an affair, the new attention filling the experienced void. Of course, this deficit is only compounded with an affair. A conversation is a much better place to start.

What it may mean… “I’m hurting. I don’t feel like I’m important to you or wanted by you. When the affair partner expressed such desire for me, I felt alive and full for the first time in a long time.”

“It won’t happen again.”

And maybe it won’t. The words here are unimportant; it’s the actions that matter. Has all contact been cut off? Have the reasons for the infidelity been explored? Has responsibility been accepted? If these things haven’t happened, then this is truly an excuse and better ignored.

What it may mean… “At this moment, I don’t plan on ever doing it again. But I also feel weak. Powerless. I’ll try to do better.”

The words spoken by somebody caught cheating are usually a combination of projection (accusing you of what they’re doing), reflection (looking at the reasons for their choices) and misdirection (trying to pass off blame).

For the betrayed, find comfort in the fact that most of their words are about trying to make themselves feel better. Try not to take it too personally. On the other hand, an affair is a wake up call. Make sure you listen to what it’s telling you about your marriage and about how you respond in relationships.

And at the end of the day, accept responsibility for your part but refuse to take the blame for theirs.

And for a positive spin on a totally sucky situation –

Been Cheated On? 8 Infuriating Excuses You Can Expect to Hear

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Discovering the infidelity is often only the first part of the pain. Often it is then followed by excuses and justifications. As though mere words can erase your agony and absolve the cheater of their guilt.

If you have been cheated on, these are some of the excuses you may hear and the real meaning that might be behind the offered justifications.