There’s a lot you know about how to divorce with kids. Yet there are some realities that still may surprise you. Are you aware of these five eye-opening truths?
Five Eye-Opening Truths About Divorcing With Kids
The Two Post-Divorce Milestones You MUST Pass Before You’ve Moved On
The journey from “in it” to “past it’ can be a long one. There are the practical matters to deal with, the disassembling of the lives and the parsing out of assets and custodial arrangements. Then come the emotional matters, the endless tears of grief for marriage past and future, the choke of loneliness and the strangle of rejection. And finally comes the hope, the excitement of possibility and the ever-growing strength and wisdom from the struggle.
Everyone’s path after divorce is a little different. Some curve this way, others that. Some follow a gentle slope and a clear trail while others seem to climb endless mountains that require scrabbling over rocky and dangerous terrain. Yet even with their differences, there are two milestones that we must pass before we have truly moved on.
These milestones may come early in the process or they may not happen for years. They are not sequential, either one may present first or they may appear around the same time. Some people adjust to them readily while other may pause at the landmark for quite some time.
Milestone 1 – Establishing Intimacy With Someone New
I almost wrote, “Entering fully into a new relationship,” but I didn’t want people who are choosing to remain single to skip over this section, because it applies to them too. Establishing intimacy does not have to occur on a romantic level, it simply means that you have been able to let down your guard and let someone – anyone – in.
But the truth is, most people eventually find themselves in a new relationship. Once once you do – whether it be 6 months later or 6 years later – you are going to find little nuggets of unresolved issues from your divorce.
Because the truth is that there is only so much healing that you can do on your own. Some of it can only occur within the context of a relationship (again, not necessarily a romantic one).
Therapy can help with this – as you begin to trust your therapist, you learn how to have faith in others, as you practice revealing your vulnerabilities, you become more comfortable showing your weaknesses. But this type of intimacy is somewhat artificial, more playing house than building house. It’s meant to be your training wheels, not your entire ride.
Divorce does a number on your ability to trust and your willingness to be open. And the only way to fully rebuild those areas is with another person.
Milestone 2 – Accepting That Your Ex Has Someone New
In the beginning, most people seem to be on some sort of seesaw when it comes to their exes – with their happiness on one side and their perception of their ex’s happiness on the other. So when the ex is up, you inevitably plummet down.
And it’s a hard landing.
There are so many emotions that can come from seeing the ex with someone new. Everything from, “It should be me” to “Why do they get to be happy after what they did?” The emotions have a tendency to turn ugly, bitter words spewed in an attempt to avoid the tears beneath.
Seeing your ex move on can prompt an acute sense of rejection, of being discarded and left behind like a broken piece of furniture waiting on the curb. This is particularly intense when the someone new came into the picture before your picture was removed from the frame. There’s a natural blame and anger directed at the “other,” the interloper who came in and took what you saw as yours.
And that’s the hard part.
Your spouse was never yours to own, to possess, to control. They made their choices. And you make yours.
You can certainly choose to hold onto the justified anger and the feelings of rejection.
Or, you can choose to step off the seesaw and let your ex do their thing as you take that next step forward.
Three Questions to Ask Yourself to Extinguish Your Divorce Anger
The anger bubbled to the surface, blistering under the broiler that was the financial mess my first husband gifted me in the divorce. Every month, as I struggled to make payments towards debt that he had accrued, my body would respond with a vicious energy and my mind would rail against the unfairness of it all.
That anger was poison roiling inside me, its caustic nature wearing away at me, in some ways causing even more damage than he had done with his reckless spending and deliberate betrayals.
Whenever somebody pointed out that my anger was only hurting me, I grew defensive and, yes, angry. “I’m justified to feel this way!” I would insist. “He did these things and left me to clean up his mess. It’s not fair!”
And I was right.
But so were they.
Read learn the questions I asked myself and the answers that helped released the anger.
The Boomerang Ex: Why Do They Keep Coming Back? (And What to Do When They Show Up)
The negotiations are made. The papers signed. If there are no kids, you’re assuming that you’ll never see your ex again. If there are children in the picture, you’re operating under the impression that the relationship will transition into a business-like one focused on transactions and consultation.
And all seems to be going to plan for a time. The interactions, if they happen at all, are either practical or still flavored from the bitter wash of divorce. Your ex is firmly your ex – over and done with.
And then you receive a text.
“Do you remember that time we rented that cabin up in the mountains? We never even made it into town, much less out of the bedroom. I miss you.”
And now you’re confused. This isn’t the same person that stonewalled you for years or seemed to be critical of your every move. This is the person you fell in love with.
Maybe the hurt and anger is still too strong and you refuse to reply to the foraging text. Or maybe the words bring up those early feelings for you as well and you text back, “I miss you too.” Only to berate yourself in the morning.
Once the divorce is final, some people embrace the role as ex, stepping back and staying back. While others, for a variety of reasons, are intent on coming back.
What makes these boomerang exes act the way they do? And how can you deal with their confusing and often unwanted attentions?
They Can’t Be Alone
Some exes hang around because they cannot stomach the thought of being alone. Maybe they’re insecure and gain confidence through their interactions with others or maybe they’re afraid to face the voices of truth that whisper to them at night. Regardless, you were their number one, their go-to and even after divorce, you still are.
This attention may feel flattering at first. Like they want you so much that they cannot let you go. But in time, it becomes stifling. Suffocating. Their need for attention speaking over your need to move on. You may even sense that it’s less about you and more about their fears. And you have no desire to continue to hold their hand when they’re frightened.
Before you can find distance from the ex who cannot be alone, you first have to accept that rescuing them is no longer your job (in fact, it never really was). They are an adult and are responsible for themselves and managing their own fears and challenges. Create boundaries, explicitly state the type and frequency of contact you are okay with. And then fill that line in the sand in with Quikrete.
Held By Habit
Even with the abrupt and brutal ending to my own marriage, I still had to fight the urge to call or text my ex impulsively when I saw or experienced something that I normally would have shared with him. Habit is a powerful force and when we’ve spent a large percentage of a lifetime with somebody, it takes time for those habits to be replaced.
I think we all have those natural impulses after the demise of a long relationship. Just some are better at resisting the call than others. If you suspect your ex is hanging around out of habit, try being patient. Time is really on your side here as new patterns emerge and become engrained.
If their impromptu communications unsettle you, do what you need to on your side to create a little distance – send their emails to the junk folder, silence their phone calls or hide behind the sofa when the doorbell rings. If their attempts at connection are not met, their habits will be unrewarded and they will soon move on.
Seeking to Control
Not all contact is as innocuous as that propelled by habit. Some exes stay in the picture because they cannot tolerate the idea that you will undertake a life without their influence. They attempt to stay in your circle so that they can continue to manipulate your surroundings.
These exes will probe you for information. They may deliver advice, pretending to be helpful, while steering you in a direction that is advantageous to them. They will try to impose limits and bans on your post-divorce life, painting the unreasonable as reasonable.
Dealing with the manipulative ex takes a firm and steady hand. Be resolute in your boundaries and be ready to take blocking them to the extreme. If needed, seek legal counsel about your rights and responsibilities so that you are not help hostage by your exes accusations and claims. And then go as “no contact” as you can.
Tempted by Curiosity
It’s strange when you go from knowing so much about someone to knowing so little. And it’s natural to be curious about what is happening in their world now that you are no longer a part of it. This ex approaches the periphery. They are not looking to become part of your life again, they simply want to see your Facebook feed.
If you’ve already found emotional distance, this ex is harmless. If, however, you’re still pulled emotionally by their presense, this contact can be an emotional roller coaster for you. If you can’t handle contact yet, let them know you need space. And then take it. No apologies needed.
They Want Action
It can be awkward (to say the least) to first get physically intimate with somebody other than your former spouse. And some choose to avoid this situation for as long as possible by viewing their former partner as an ex with benefits. It’s completely normal to still find yourself attracted to your ex and fall back into bed.
Yet just because it’s a normal impulse, doesn’t mean that it’s the best one for you. Continuing to have a physical relationship with your ex makes it more difficult to let go. Remind yourself of your big-picture goals. Is 20 minutes of pleasure really worth sacrificing what you really want?
Even worse is when the advances are unwanted, when your ex has become the creeper whose interest you’re trying to avoid. This is another case for distance and firm boudaries. Avoid being alone with your ex and limit your in-person contact.
Prompted by Change
Sometimes the boomerang ex only returns after a protacted time away. And sometimes this return is prompted by internal or external change. You hear of former spouses reconiling after one has learned of a fatal diagnosis. Or after some event occurs than affects – and reunites – them both.
Perhaps life has continued to be a learning process and they now have evolved to a place where they want to try again. Or maybe they’re finally realizing that they made a mistake and they’re looking to correct it.
Sometimes this return is welcomed and is the beginning of a second phase. And sometimes you’ve already moved on to the point of no return (and no interest). If this is the case, decide if you want to aim for friendship or if you would prefer for them to remain in your past. No matter your decision, be compassionate here. People change and the person approaching you now may no longer be the same one that hurt you all those years ago.
When you have a boomerang ex, there are two questions you must ask youself –
1 – What do they have to gain from the repeated bids for attention?
2 – What do you want to do about it?
Answer those two questions and you will either decide to hold them at arm’s length or welcome them back with open arms.
After Divorce: The Compelling Case for Detached Compassion
“My ex was such a big part of my life my so many years, I can’t imagine not being friends with them.”
“After what my ex did to me, there’s no way that I can ever forgive them. I’m just so angry.”
“I just heard that my ex is already dating again! Can you believe that?!?”
“My ex keeps asking for my advice. I want to help, but I always end up feeling rotten after the call. What should I do?”
I’ve heard them all. More than once.
And even though the situations are all different, they all have a common theme.
Attachment.
Only now that you’re divorced, those bonds have become restraints.
“A feeling of aversion or attachment toward something is your clue that there’s work to be done.”
Ram Dass
Yes, it would be awesome for you to be able to be friends with your ex. But that tricky navigation will take time and (I’m sorry to say) may never happen depending upon your circumstances. Be open to the possibility, explore the option if you’re interested, but release your attachment to the outcome.
Yes, your ex did you wrong. Way wrong. And you have every right to be angry. But the misdeeds have already been done. That’s over and no amount of anger can change that. The rage that you’re holding is holding you back, causing you even more pain that the initial injury. Releasing it doesn’t release your ex, it releases you.
Yes, your ex jumped quickly into the dating scene. Maybe even before the marriage over. It’s hard to see them with somebody else, hard to not feel as though you’re being replaced. Your interested because you’re used to being interested and perhaps because you’re hoping to uncover some signs of their unhappiness or their new partner’s shortcomings. Accept that your life is no longer tethered to theirs and if you need to feel as though you’re doing better, focus on building you instead of looking for their defects.
“The more attached we are to a vision of the future, the less present we are to what is actually trying to emerge here and now.”
Peter Merry
Yes, your ex keeps reaching out to you. Perhaps they’re used to depending on you for advice and guidance. Maybe they’re playing around with the idea of rekindling a romance with you. Or maybe they’re just playing you. Your emotional reaction to the contact is your sign that your boundaries are being tested. It’s too much and/or it’s too soon. Yet, on some level, the contact feels good. Normal. And it feels good to be needed. Yet, by allowing yourself to put in this role, you’re allowing yourself to be stuck in this role.
The solution?
Compassionate detachment.
It works if your ex is a potential friend down the road or a foe of the worst kind.
It’s applicable if you have to maintain a co-parenting relationship or you will never see them again.
It’s effective in every situation because it only depends on you and your reactions, not on your ex.
Compassionate detachment means that you take a step back. It’s the difference between being soaked in the storm and watching the rain through the window.
Compassionate detachment means that you find a place of empathy for a fellow human being. It’s the difference between squishing the ant on the sidewalk and allowing it to go on its way.
Compassionate detachment does not preclude the opportunity of a friendship; closeness can always be found down the road.
Compassionate detachment does not mean no consequences; if your ex behaves poorly, it’s not your job to protect them from feeling the effects.
Compassionate detachment does not immediately extinguish your impulse to know what your ex is doing; the preoccupation will decline as you maintain the distance.
Compassionate detachment does not mean no boundaries; establish guidelines to protect yourself and help them when you choose to.
And finally, compassionate detachment does not mean forgetting or ignoring. It means releasing the emotional attachment to the event and the person.
Strive to lead with compassion and detach from the outcome.
“Overcoming attachment does not mean becoming cold and indifferent. On the contrary, it means learning to have relaxed control over our mind through understanding the real causes of happiness and fulfillment, and this enables us to enjoy life more and suffer less.”
Kathleen McDonald
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 