Fear of the Future

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My many years of teaching 8th grade has offered a unique perspective. The entire year is a crossroads, a place where childhood and independence meet and often vie for dominance. The kids are excited for their increased freedoms and new opportunities.

But they’re also scared.

They seem to recognize that the life, the relationships and the security that they have known has a deadline.

And that soon, they will have to face a future that they worry they’re not prepared for.

As adults, we watch them grapple with these realizations and we offer words of advice and comfort that come from our additional years of living and navigating change. We smile at their naiveté and their assurances that they will manage to control all elements of their life path.

And yet even while we offer them guidance, we often struggle with similar fears.

Because, let’s face it.

The future, with its infinite possibilities and endless opportunities for challenges, can be downright terrifying. And just like with my students, these fears are at their most vocal during times of transition.

There are five primary fears that can contribute to an apprehension about the future:

 

1 – “I don’t know what’s coming.”

There’s a reason we often talk through what’s going to happen at a doctor’s visit or on Halloween with young children – once we know what’s coming, it loses some of its power to scare us.

We tend to be most afraid of the future when it seems to stretch out into darkness, when we have to summon the faith to take blind steps not knowing what lurks in the shadows. And the problem with an unknown future is that we view it as a threat and so we go in armed, more apt to attack than explore.

We don’t need to have a crystal ball or an approved life script to prepare ourselves for what’s coming. Energy spent planning and preparing can go a long way towards easing your fears, even if those fears never come to fruition.

 

2 – “I won’t be able to handle it.”

Much like with any new challenge, we are uncertain with our abilities as we learn to adapt to the new demands. And since the future is a challenge we haven’t faced before, we worry that we won’t pass muster and that we will ultimately fail to rise to the test.

And at first, it may feel like it’s too much. Life often has a way of presenting us with a 200-lb barbell when we’re still struggling to lift a 20-lb dumbbell. But then, a little at a time, you get stronger. And what was once impossible is now completely doable.

When we peer off the cliff edge down into the unknown future, we’re picturing the person we are today trying to handle the challenges of tomorrow. What we often fail to appreciate is the wisdom, strength and training that we gain along the way.

 

3 – “The future won’t be as good as what I have known.”

The only thing certain is the past. So if you want certainty, that’s where you’ll have set up camp.

We have this way of rose-tinting the past and coal-smudging a future that we fear. And we know what we have treasured in our lives. Those memories gain prominence and importance over the years, developing a shine as we take them out and run over them again. Any grit that accompanied those memories has been worn away in time.

And the future, with its jagged edges, threatens to never be able to compete with those treasured times.

Yet one day, that future that you now fear will provide more memories that you treasure.

 

4 – “Change means losing what I have.”

We’re hardwired to fear change. We have more aversion to loss than we do anticipation for what might be gained.

And so we often, we freeze. Thinking that if we just stay still, stay quiet, that the status quo will continue. Anticipatory grief and regret keeping us locked in inaction.

Yet the scary – and also freeing – truth is this.

Even if you change nothing, everything will will change.

That’s just how life works.

Some people and things come in and others move out.

Which if you think about it, is as natural as breathing.

 

5 – “I can’t control the future.”

No, you can’t.

But you do have some say in the control that future has over you.

If you can’t stop what’s coming and you can’t prevent change, why allow a fear of the future to dictate your life now?

 

 

 

 

5 Things We Hold On To After Divorce

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce requires letting go – of the marriage, the dreams, the regrets and even the promises. Yet we often struggle to let go. If feels wrong. Scary. Unfamiliar and untested.

So instead, we grip, holding on even when the thing we’re holding on to only causes us harm.

 

We Hold On to An Image Of Our Former Partner

Maybe you still see them as they were in the beginning of the relationship. Or, you see them as you want them to be. Regardless, you’re holding on to an image of them, a picture that is more in line with your wishes than their reality.

 

We Hold On to Our Dreams of What the Relationship Should Have Been

If only the affair hadn’t happened. Or the addiction. Or the growing distance after having children. Then, we tell ourselves, the marriage would still be okay. We cultivate this image of what our lives are supposed to be like and even when life trajectories change, we have a hard time letting go of Plan A.

 

We Hold On to Our Anger and Blame

We rail against our ex-partner, or their affair partner or some other factor that we blame for the relationship’s demise. We feel powerful in our anger, righteous and also purposeful. As long as we are angry, we at least have something.

 

We Hold On to Our Pain and Victimhood

It’s scary facing the world alone. And so we curl up in our cloak of “wronged one,” prompting others to render aide and support. Our pain becomes our identity. It’s proof that the relationship was important. That we were important.

 

We Hold On to a Need For Fairness

We place our faith in the courts. Or God. Or karma. Thinking that bad things come to exes for those who simply wait long enough. We hold on to the idea that in order for us to be okay, we need for them to not be okay. We just want them to feel the pain too.

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Bouncing Back

Posted on by stilllearning2b

My ex was right. Well, partially right, at least.

In the typed letter (which, for some strange reason, was in duplicate) he left on the kitchen counter after leaving me via text message, he wrote this –

“I know that once you recover from the shock of this you will bounce back and live a happy and satisfying life – a life better and more honest than I could ever hope to offer you.”

I was livid the first time I read those words, almost 24 hours after receiving the text and with no other communication from him. My world was completely shattered. I was honestly afraid that this would literally be the end of me, as the shock and trauma were so all-encompassing. I was fighting to breathe and at the starting line for the fight of my life.

And those two little words – “bounce back” – seemed to minimize and dismiss everything he had done. As though embezzling from, cheating on and abandoning your wife is on par with recovering from the flu and I would “bounce back” and be as good as new after some rest and perhaps some soup.

Needless to say, that’s not what happened.

Well, not exactly.

I collapsed.

I cried.

I shook.

And grieved.

Learned to breathe.

Opened my eyes.

I crawled.

I took some wobbly steps.

And fell again.

I got back up.

Took some more steps.

Got a little stronger.

Went the wrong direction.

Cried again.

Got angry.

Tried to climb.

Too soon.

Declared I would make it.

Secretly doubted it.

Put on a brave face.

Hid a terrified heart.

Started to trust again.

Built a wall.

Started to love again.

Felt foolish.

And hopeful.

Had good days.

And terrible moments.

Wondered if I was broken.

Too damaged.

Tried climbing again.

Fingers bloodied from the effort.

Heart pounding.

But felt good.

Alive.

I hit rock bottom.

And I made it back.

But I never bounced.

I fought like hell for every inch.

Every breath.

Every step.

 

Yet he was right.

I am now living a happier and more satisfying life than I ever did with him.

And I may not have bounced back, but I got there. And that’s the part that matters.

 

3 Lies Your Brain Tells You After a Breakup

Posted on by stilllearning2b

After Divorce: What Are You Grieving?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Divorce is a type of death. The end of the life you had and the life you expected. And as with any death, grief follows closely behind. After divorce, which of these are you grieving?

 

Grieving the Person You Thought They Were

For some of us, divorce is preceded by a revelation that our partner was not the person we thought they were. In a moment, we realize that we have been in love with a mirage, a projection of our hopes and that behind this image was a person who perhaps was acting in very unloving ways.

It’s a particularly painful loss. Although the person is still breathing, the one you thought you were married to no longer exists. And maybe they never did.

Part of what makes this grief so complicated is that it’s often punctuated with moments of hope. Hope that maybe they will return to the person they were or become the person you believed them to be.

 

Grieving the Future You Imagined and Planned For

You believed you were going to grow old together. Go on that much-anticipated vacation, experience those milestones and enjoy a shared future. And now all of those planned-for, talked-about and dreamed-of events will not happen. At least not together.

And letting go of expectations is hard. Damned hard. Especially when you’ve made decisions and even sacrifices for that imagined future. It leaves a sense of unfairness and incompleteness, a story only partly told.

 

Grieving the Family and Life You Wanted For Your Children

Maybe you grew up with divorced parents and you promised yourself that you would provide a different experience for your own children. Or maybe you had close parents and wanted to provide the same for your offspring. Either way, few people would choose to give their kids the experience of growing up with divorced parents.

And so you grieve for them. Mourning the life you wanted them to have while worrying that this is going to cause them harm.

If this resonates with you, take a moment to learn about what kids can learn from divorce. There are silver linings here, I promise.

 

Grieving Who You Were Before the Relationship

Maybe you lost yourself during the relationship and you’re grieving who you were before. Or perhaps betrayal or abuse has fundamentally changed you and you’re forced to say goodbye to the person you were before that pain branded you.

Of course, we change and grow throughout life as we’re impacted by both people and experiences. Yet divorce, with its very distinct before and after, can highlight these changes in a profound and often painful way.

 

Grieving The Companionship and Shared History

You’ve been through so much together. Have so many shared experiences and inside jokes. And now it’s over. The house is empty. There’s no one to call when your shared show has a surprise moment. And you feel so alone.

Even if the marriage had soured and you no longer enjoyed time together, you may find that you still miss them simply being there.

 

Grieving the Lifestyle That Accompanied Your Marriage

Maybe you miss the evenings with the shared friends. Or going to the kids’ softball games as a family. Or the financial freedom that duel incomes and a joint household provided.

When the marriage ended, so did many of the day-to-day traditions, habits and events. And especially before you’ve established your new life, you’re going to feel that void left by their loss.

 

Grief after divorce is normal. Like with any grief, it does no good to try to rush through it or avoid it. The only way through is through. Acknowledge the losses. Mourn them. Honor them. Give them space. And then give yourself permission to let them go.