Rewriting the End of a Relationship

Posted on by stilllearning2b

The end of your relationship isn’t the end of your dreams or of your happiness. It just may be about discovery, renovation, and learning to let go.

____

When a relationship ends, it is natural to focus on what is lost, to fully submerge in the heartache and mourn the departed. It is all too easy to become so mired in the sadness that the end of a relationship is extrapolated to mean the end of so much more. But that’s just your wounded heart speaking. And it has a tendency to exaggerate.

The End of Your Relationship is Not…

The End of Hopes and Dreams

After all, lost dreams are better than no dreams at all.

When my ex walked out the door, he took my dreams with him. He carried out the trips we had planned over dinners and walks, running over them with his car until they were but black marks on the street. He hefted the retirement daydreams onto his back and launched them in the dumpster as he drove away. The house plans and projects were sent through the shredder before being addressed to the incinerator. He even stuffed his pockets with the small yearnings, the desire to grow old together and to watch our world evolve. He took it all.

For years, I was afraid to dream. Afraid that it would again be stolen by a thief in the night. But then I realized how limiting that was. Silly, even. After all, lost dreams are better than no dreams at all. I’ve since worked to build new visions, both solo and with my second husband. I again carry hope for the future and paint images of a desired life.When a relationship ends, some dreams are dashed but that simply clears the way for new ones. Maybe even better ones.

The End of Intimacy

There is an ease found in a developed relationship. A sense of truly being known and accepted, fears and all. I worried that I would never again feel that deep connection with someone and, once I started dating again, my fears were confirmed. I felt a distance with each date. A sense of observing the interaction rather than feeling it. I blamed the men, assuming that there was something special about my connection with my ex that allowed true intimacy to develop.

But what I neglected to consider is that time is the true medium needed for intimacy to flourish. It is not fair to compare the infancy stage of one relationship to the fully-developed period of another.

It’s scary to open up again, to risk the pain of loss and heartbreak. But if you are willing to take the risk, the fulfillment of true intimacy may again be your reward.

The End of Family

My ex and I knew each other since high school; his family became my family. When he elected to abandon the marriage, his family followed suit. I mourned the loss not only of the marriage, but of the extended network that we were embedded within.

There’s a strange distortion that often happens at the end of a relationship, where the past is viewed as better than it was and the future is perceived to be bleaker than it is.

I did lose that family but the divorce did not mean the loss of family altogether. In fact, it strengthened the bond with my own relatives, especially my father. It made me more open and committed to my friends, who truly became family to me.

It’s painful to be ostracized from a social group, to feel like a pariah in the same moments you are mourning a marriage. But it is also an opportunity to build and fortify new connections.

The End of Happiness

We all have a tendency to believe that the way we feel in a given moment is the way we will always feel. And after a divorce or break-up, that’s a pretty abysmal thought.

There’s a strange distortion that often happens at the end of a relationship, where the past is viewed as better than it was and the future is perceived to be bleaker than it is. We may have believed that we were happy in our relationships, but we often mistake comfort for happiness.

Happiness comes when there is an agreement between your perceptions and your reality. It is found when you are able to be yourself and are not afraid to face any obstacles in your path. Happiness is not found from others; it comes from within. Only you can make you happy.

The end of a relationship may feel like the end of happiness. But all it can do is delay it for a while.

We resist endings, often preferring to hold on to what we know rather than move forth into the unfamiliar.

The End of Your Relationship Is…

Change

The secret to successfully navigating any change in your life is found in your ability to adapt to the new environment.

In the beginning, I classified my divorce as ruinous, especially considering the numerous betrayals and deceptions. It was an attack. I was a victim. And I had to learn to live in a world destroyed.

But now, years later, I no longer see it as completely injurious. In fact, in some ways, that horrible year was the best episode of my existence, the rock bottom that became the foundation of a better life.

The end of a relationship is ultimately neither good nor bad. It’s simply different. It may be planned or delivered in a blow. Wanted or undesired. Regardless, it is a change that touches every aspect of your life. And change, in any magnitude or guise, is hard.

Adaptation

The secret to successfully navigating any change in your life is found in your ability to adapt to the new environment. It’s difficult to negotiate the transition from partnered to single, especially if it was a choice thrust upon you.

When I first started dating again, I made the mistake of immediately acting married. I’m sure I spooked a few guys, but I never intended to come on too strong or too fast. It was just that I was still learning to adapt; I knew how to be married but I had to learn how to be single.

As with everything, practice makes better. Give yourself the time and opportunity to adapt to your new reality. New is always uncomfortable. But nothing stays new forever. You are stronger and more resilient than you ever imagined. You will adapt.

Letting Go

When I felt the last scraps of the marriage slide through my fingers, I responded with panic, grasping on to whatever I could. I sent him desperate messages, imploring him to reconsider. I entertained fantasies where somehow everything was a big mistake and reality would return again.

It’s so difficult to let go. To release our beliefs about the person we loved and the resilience of the relationship. It is scary to let go and trust that you will survive when you don’t yet know how far you will fall. Letting go is a battle between faith and fear. It takes courage to bridge to release your past and trust in your future.

Letting go is the ultimate gift to yourself. It’s a gift of freedom.

Renovation

Choose to be a student of life rather than a victim of circumstance.

When strangers and acquaintances asked intrusive questions about my life in the year after the divorce, I responded with the statement, “I am in the middle of a major life renovation.” And really, what could have been more true? When your life is torn down to the studs, you have the opportunity to rebuild however you want.

The end of a relationship is a time to make deliberate decisions about your life. It’s a time to evaluate what you have and remove or repurpose what no longer fits. It’s an opportunity for you to be the architect of your life without anyone else trying to change your plans.

Discovery

The best lessons are found when we are open and bleeding. When our defenses are down and we are searching for meaning and reassurances.

As I started writing about the end of my marriage, I was amazed to discover connections between the divorce and my childhood wounds. I found patterns in my responses to situations and, once identified, I was able to work to change those behaviors. I have learned more about myself in the past five years than I did in the first thirty plus.

Use the end of a relationship as an opportunity to reflect. To gain perspective and to make conscious changes. Choose to be a student of life rather than a victim of circumstance.

Opportunity

The end of a relationship is a brief window of opportunity because when nothing is certain, anything is possible.

Every ending holds the seed to another beginning. Let it grow.

Six Ways That Dogs Help Us Heal

Posted on by stilllearning2b

In so many ways, every dog is a therapy dog.

 

1 – Dogs Are a Reflection of Our Energetic State

Watch a dog for any length of time and you will learn things about their human companions. Dogs reflect our inner emotional and energetic state. They become a mirror, often giving us a glimpse into ourselves that we struggle to see otherwise.

In order to have a calm and happy dog, you have to learn how to moderate your emotional state and manage your anxieties. They become a living form of biofeedback. As your breathing rate slows and your thoughts become centered, your dog soon settles and becomes ready to listen.

One of my favorite quotes from Cesar Millan (the Dog Whisperer” is, “Dogs tell the truth. People tell a story.” And isn’t that the truth. We claim to fine. But our dogs often reveal otherwise.  We would be well-served by listening.

girl-1160441__480

 

2 – Dogs Give Us Unbridled Love

There is nothing like being greeted by a dog when you come home. That open mouth that seems to show pure delight. The wagging tail that carries the enthusiasm through the entire body, too big to be contained. And the immediate request for affection and bonding. They don’t care that you screwed up at work or that you accidentally put on two different socks that morning. Dogs default to acceptance rather than criticism. Which is often a welcome change from the rest of the world.

When you’re sad around a dog, you’re never sad alone. They seem to know when we need a snuggle and they’re not afraid of a few tears. No matter how much we worry that we’re not enough, that we’re unlovable or that we’re not a good person, our dogs help to remind us otherwise. Their love is not contingent on anything other than being a part of their pack.

dog-1149964__480 (1)

 

3 – Dogs Force Us to Step Outside

I can’t tell you how many mornings I step outside into rather unpleasant weather and I’m tempted to give up on my daily pre-work walk. And then I look down at Kazh, whose tail is already wagging in anticipation of the outing despite the weather, and I obligingly lace up my shoes.

Dogs inspire us to step outside – both literally and metaphorically – when we’d often rather hide within ourselves. Their cold, insistent nose nudges us, reminding us that there is life to live and adventures to be had.

They remind us that exercise is important. With their “live in the moment” mindset, they help us to see even the most mundane act as part of a glorious adventure. On walks, they insist on stopping to smell pee upon the roses, a reminder that the journey is as important as the destination.

pug-690566__480

 

4 – Dogs Encourage Interaction With Others

When I run alone, I rarely talk to people. When I run with a dog, I rarely return home without meeting someone new. Dogs are not only social creatures, they are social lubricant. They force us to interact with others even when we’re in a hibernation and isolation mood.  Not only do they encourage interaction, they encourage positive interaction. It’s hard to be grumpy or judgmental when you’re petting a new dog.

We are also social creatures. Our mental health improves when we are around others. We thrive when have established human – and animal – connections. Dogs help to nurture these relationships when we’re struggling to do on our own.

pit-bull-2047469__480

5 – Dogs Help Us Build Confidence

I love teaching children how to walk my pit bull. At first, they’re hesitant. After all, this is a dog that greatly overpowers them on a physical level. And then I explain how the dog responds to confidence. Walk with your head up. Your shoulders back. Stride with purpose and conviction. The dog will listen if you believe in what you’re doing.

Dogs are experts at sniffing out insecurities. If you’re not sure, they have no reason to pay any attention to what you’re asking them to do. But once you learn to believe in yourself? That dog will do anything you ask. And that’s a great motivator to begin to trust yourself.

fuca-2491995__480.jpg

6 – Dogs Teach Us the Importance of Boundaries

Have you ever entered a home that is ruled by the dog? It tends to be pretty chaotic. Like humans, dogs will try to get away with whatever they can. They will test your boundaries.

Many people struggle with setting and maintaining boundaries. They’re concerned about being liked or being perceived as easy to get along with. And so they let others get away with too much. It’s hard to set boundaries with people. They push back, often painfully, by picking at our biggest fears.

Dogs offer up a wonderful training ground to learn how to set and maintain boundaries. They still test us, but we are much less likely to take it personally when a dog tries to sneak up on the couch than when an addict claims, “You’d help me if you loved me.” Our dogs help us learn how to use boundaries. It’s then up to us to use them with humans.

 

This post is dedicated to the dogs of lives. 

Going “No Contact” – Signs That It’s Needed

Posted on by stilllearning2b

Have you recently endured a breakup or divorce and you’re wondering if going “no contact” with your ex is the right decision for you? Here’s what to consider:

 

There is a History of Manipulation or Abuse

At its core, abuse is about power and control. Especially if your ex was gaslighting you or was emotionally abusive, it is critical that you get distance from them in order to begin to heal from their manipulations. When you maintain contact before you have an opportunity to find your strength and learn to listen to your inner voice, it’s too easy to again fall victim of their crazy-making influence.

This can be a very difficult separation; when there is emotional abuse, you have often been led to believe that you cannot live without them. Which is exactly why you need to prove to yourself that you can.

 

The Relationship Has a Pattern of Cycling

When it’s good, it’s great. And when it’s bad, it’s terrible. If you’re in an on-again, off-again relationship that keeps running through the same cycles, it may be time to take a break. A real one.

When you know that they are just out of reach, it’s too easy to close that gap whenever you’re feeling sad or lonely. The problem becomes telling the difference between taking them back because you want them and taking them back because you don’t want to be alone. One of the best ways to tell the difference is to remove them from your life for an extended period of time (enough time for the initial sadness and isolation to pass) to see if you really miss them.

 

You Find Yourself Obsessing About Your Ex

If you feel powerless to control your thoughts – or your behaviors – around your ex, it can be a sign that you need a complete and total removal. Think of it like keeping ice cream out of the house when you’re trying to lose weight.

One of the more common ways that this obsession manifests is through social media. Are you constantly checking up on your ex’s posts and profile? Are you scanning their pictures looking for signs that they miss you or that they have a new crush? It is impossible for you to move forward if you’re putting this much energy into your past.

 

You Experience Anxiety Around Contact (Or the Thought of Contact) With Your Ex

Are you nervous at the thought of speaking with or seeing your ex? Does the sight of their name on your phone cause your stomach to plummet and your heart to race? If they are still able to trigger this much emotion in you, it can be a sign that you need some time to disconnect and recenter before you consider contact.

 

You Feel Regret After Contact

Do you have a tendency to reach out to your ex when you’re feeling low and then you regret it soon after? Maybe you’re hoping that they’ve changed and their harsh or dismissive words have wounded you all over again. Or, perhaps you were looking for a closing conversation and instead, you find yourself on the receiving end of an angry rant.

Regardless, listen to your emotions. If you’re feeling regret, it’s a sign that you’re doing something that isn’t right for you.

 

Your Ex Takes Up a Lot of Mental Space

Is your ex out of your physical life but still living in your headspace? This is a sign that you may need to cut off all contact in order to complete the eviction. We only have so much energy. When you’re electing to spend a majority of it on your ex, it means that you’re neglecting other areas of your life. Remember – whatever you nurture, grows.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

Going “No Contact” – Why is it So Hard?

Posted on by stilllearning2b

You’ve decided that you should go “no contact” with your ex, but you’re finding that it’s much harder than you anticipated to cut off all contact. Why is it so difficult to go “no contact” after a divorce or breakup?

 

This Person Was an Integral Part of Your Daily Life

Just weeks ago, this person was listed as your emergency contact. When you had a rough day, this was the person you turned to for comfort and understanding. They were the first call you made when you received important news and the first person you thought of when contemplating making a major change.

And now, you’re trying to pretend that they no longer exist.

It’s no wonder that it’s hard to cut off all contact. It’s as foreign and uncomfortable as losing an arm. Only in this case, it’s your heart that feels like it’s been removed. It feels so wrong to know that they’re out there and yet acting as though they are dead to you.

You Fear Being Forgotten

Even worse than seeing them as dead to you, is wondering if they no longer think of you at all. You reach out, not so much because you want to speak to them, but because you want to know that they are missing you.

After being a team for so long, it’s disconcerting to contemplate your former partner moving on without you. You want to be remembered. You’re desperate to know that you were important to them. And you’re afraid that if you fade into the background, that your legacy will as well.

 

Contact Has Become a Habit

It’s no wonder that we refer to love as a drug and we describe the early stages as a rush – love is addictive. And that’s even more true on the downslope of love. When we receive the alert of an incoming message from them, it sends a little rewarding shot of dopamine to our brain. And this is especially true when the contact is intermittent or unexpected.

Even a heart-wrenching glimpse of them with a new partner on social media provides a little chemical reward. And so even when there are negative consequences, we keep going back. Often without even putting much thought into it. Contact has become less of an intention and more of a habit.

 

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

Or, at least it makes the brain more forgetful. When we’re away from someone, the memories become fuzzy. The reasons that the relationship ended no longer see so important or so terrible and the positive recollections rise to the surface.

Doubt may begin to creep in – “Was this really the right decision?” “Did I make a mistake?” So you reach out in order to test the choice of ending the relationship.

 

We Believe Our Personal Narrative

Maybe you told yourself that this person was “the one.” Or, you’ve created a story to excuse their years of bad behavior. Regardless, it’s easy to become so immersed in our own story that we neglect to account for the facts that are in front of us.

When there is dissonance between our beliefs and our actions, we can experience intense discomfort.

 

There May Be Residual Guilt or Regret

If you ended the relationship, you may be feeling guilty for creating pain for your former partner. Perhaps you’re reaching out in an attempt to soften their discomfort and to alleviate your guilt.

Additionally, if you’re experiencing feeling of regret for things you said in the relationship or for the way you behaved, you may be initiating contact to try to explain yourself or to get another chance at making it work.

 

The Drive to Fill the Void is Powerful

The emptiness left at the end of a relationship is as gaping, tender and strange as the hole left from a pulled tooth. And the desire to immediately fill that void is strong. It’s natural to reach out to someone where there is already that shared intimacy and that history.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away

Understanding No Contact

 

 

 

Going “No Contact” – Understanding No Contact

Posted on by stilllearning2b

No Contact is NOT –

 

Ghosting

Ghosting is an act of cowardice and cruelty. It is ending a relationship without having the difficult conversations and refusing to give the other person a chance to respond.

In contrast, no contact is an act of self-care and boundaries. It occurs after the relationship ends and the difficult conversations have been had. No contact says, “For my own well-being, I cannot have you in my life.”

 

A Statement That You Never Loved Them

You can love someone and also understand that they are not good for you (or that you are not good together). The decision to remove someone from your life does not discount the feelings that existed or even still exist. It’s an act of self-preservation. Consider if you developed a sudden and sever allergy to your favorite food. You would have to remove it from your diet, but that wouldn’t mean that it was never your preferred meal in the past.

 

Removing the Memories

You can eliminate the reality of the person and still treasure some of the memories. In fact, when the stress of contact is gone, you may even find it easier to remember the good times without so much pain, confusion and conflict.

No Contact IS –

 

Recognizing – And Asking For – What You Need

There is nothing wrong with asking for what you need. It is okay for you to make the decision to eliminate some people from your life. This decision is about you and what you need to be healthy.

 

Making a Decision to Change

Perhaps you’ve been in an on-again, off-again cycle in your relationship and you’re exhausted. Or, maybe you’ve had a history of allowing your ex to intrude and to take care of them instead of letting them figure it out themselves. No contact is a promise to yourself. It’s you putting your foot down and making the decision to do things differently.

 

A Sign of Respect and Acceptance

This decision is a sign of acceptance that the relationship is over and it’s a sign of respect to let it go.

 

 

Going “No Contact?”

Read the rest of the series:

Why is it So Hard?

Signs That It’s Needed

What Are the Benefits

Strategies to Make it Work

Why You’re Struggling to Stay Away