Uncategorized

How to Air Your Dirty Laundry

Posted on October 9, 2014March 6, 2024 by stilllearning2b

I often receive messages from people who are contemplating starting a blog documenting their own divorce journey. They are usually nervous about discussing such personal detail in a public forum (me too!). And they have questions for me. Sometimes really good concerns, like the ones below.

Here’s my advice for those contemplating a divorce blog. I’m no expert. I screw things up a lot. But I do have several years experience now sharing my personal life with others (Why I Write).

Frankly, I’m kinda nervous to go through my writings and remember things I’m happy to have forgotten.

Yeah, it sucks. I cried a ton while writing the book and I’m still known to cry while writing (or even re-reading) certain blog posts. But it’s cleansing. The writing helps the processing and the repetition helps lessen the sting. We often want to hide from the pain, to pretend we are healed before we really are. If you read it and it still bothers you, you’re still holding on to the pain. The only way to truly heal is to go through it.

I’m nervous about looking pathetic and/or vengeful and/or vindictive

Some people will always read you that way. You should see some of my HuffPost hate mail. I finally realized that it’s their own garbage talking. But most people reading you will be going through their own divorce and they’ll get it. Trust me, we’ve all had some pretty powerful revenge fantasies. Don’t slander but also don’t be afraid to speak the truth of your emotions.

Over-sharing (maybe somewhat related to the above). there are things that divorced people fantasize that I assume would horrify the general public.

Create your own boundaries and stick to them. For example, I’ll share anything about my ex/former marriage (except his identity – read why) but I’m much more careful with my current marriage; much of that is off the table. As for the content, I’m not afraid to speak the brutal, harsh truth. It’s reality sometimes. An important note here – if your divorce is not final, most attorneys will tell you not to share publicly.

Something about letting sleeping dogs lie

I thought about that one myself once I entered into a stable relationship and had done most of the healing. However, I realized that it’s important for those of who have made it through and are willing to share our stories: beginning, middle and hopefully not-the-end.

The possibility that repercussions could involve her posting her own commentary that escalates things in a public forum.

It’s a risk. I don’t worry about that since mine has a felony warrant – it makes a nice “gag order” 🙂 Always assume that anything you write online (even if posted anonymously) can (and most likely will) be found by your ex and his/her family. If you have kids, they may see it too. Keep that in mind.

Since my documentation is almost exclusively emails to various people or gchats or text message, it is very personal and colored with visceral anguish. i wouldn’t know how to turn these into something along the lines of a palatable blog.

Just write. It’ll shape itself over time as you find your voice.

However, going with a “just the facts ma’am” approach, i’d fear being too cut-and-dried/black and white/matter-of-fact/sterile, and where is the catharsis in that?

People respond more to emotion. Let your fingers be a conduit for your feelings.

Getting my facts messed up (he-said-she-said, second-hand communication, etc.)

Don’t worry about it. All memory is fallible.

Writing is one of the most effective strategies for dealing with divorce and loss. Sharing your story add another dimension: dialog with others, the sense of being part of a community and an opportunity to help people in a similar situation. However, sharing is not without risk. Make sure you plan ahead before you hang your dirty laundry out to dry on the internets.

–

Memories and Moments

Posted on October 9, 2014October 9, 2014 by stilllearning2b

This morning marks one year since I said “I do” again.

Even though I always knew I wanted to be married again, it was still a scary decision to actually do it.

To take that risk.

To be vulnerable.

But I am so glad that I did.

We celebrated our anniversary this past Friday with a room on the 55th floor of the Westin downtown. As we watched the Atlanta traffic from the vantage point of our room, I told Brock about my obsession with the fluid dynamics theory of traffic, a viewpoint my ex always teased me about. Brock not only didn’t make fun of me, he agreed. And we even had some fun watching and observing the arterial flow from 600 feet above.

Later that night, after an amazing dinner at the Sun Dial, we watched some of Princess Bride from our bed. That was my favorite movie in high school and one my ex and I watched countless times together. And Brock didn’t even get mad at me for quoting the entire movie. Inconceivable.

I realized much of what I mourned at the end of the first marriage was not so much the loss of him but the loss of the shared history. The memories and the moments.

And what I’m now realizing is that those memories and moments can be built again. That they can exist apart from my ex.

That I didn’t lose as much as I thought.

And that what I have gained is worth more than what is gone.

I believe in marking moments. In recognizing landmarks and anniversaries. It’s a way of remembering. Of experiencing gratitude. And celebrating the good.

It’s a reminder to treasure the moments because someday they may only be memories.

Thank you all for all the kind words about Tuesday’s post. I hope the kiddos and fuzzballs enjoyed the extra love. I know mine did.

Those Moments

Posted on October 7, 2014 by stilllearning2b

I had planned on writing a different post this evening.

But then I received some news.

The kind of news that makes your stomach drop.

Your brain stutter.

Your chest tighten.

Your throat clench.

And makes your eyes swell with tears.

The kind of news that makes it hard to breath yet also drives home the importance of each breath.

Because we never know how many we have.

Those moments are such a harsh reminder of the fragility of life and the swiftness at which it can change.

They remind us that no matter how much we plan, we cannot control.

It’s a wake-up call to be present in the moment. Because that’s all we’re guaranteed.

And it reveals how important our relationships are and that we are all more connected than we realize.

Tonight, I’m letting go of the stressors of the day.

I’m setting aside the to-do list for the evening.

And instead I’m going to snuggle with my family.

While the tears fall as they may.

And remember what really matters.

Hug your kids tonight. Tell your family you love them. Reach out to your friends just to let them know you’re thinking about them. Pet the furry ones.

And take a few moments and just be grateful.

You’re here right now.

When You Shouldn’t Forgive

Posted on October 7, 2014October 7, 2014 by stilllearning2b

We are told that to err is human; to forgive is divine.

But is that always the case?

Are there times when forgiveness actually harms you rather than setting you free?

Read the article. It made me think. What does it say to you?

For all that culturally we admire the ability to forgive—it’s associated with magnanimity, spiritual growth, and, of course, religiosity—it remains a somewhat thorny issue from a psychological point of view. In layman’s terms, the ability to forgive is widely seen as evidence of how high humans rank in the chain of being—animals don’t forgive, after all—so it conveys a moral superiority. But from a psychological point of view, two key questions remain: Why do humans forgive and, when they do, how do they hope to benefit? Read the rest on Psychology Today.

I know one of the reasons that I chose and have been able to forgive my ex is that he is not a presence in my life. I’m forgiving a memory of a person rather than actual flesh and blood. I don’t know if I would have made the same choice if he was still an active participant in my life.