December Reading List

Posted on by stilllearning2b

These are all articles I’ve collected over the last few months that I wanted to share with you. Some are about healing relationships while others are about ending relationships or how to survive once it’s over. Each one holds some nugget of wisdom that is worth passing on.

So pour the coffee, pull up a chair and get your read on:)

 

Are You In a Relationship With An Unavailable Person? 

This article discusses how we often mistake intensity for intimacy and gives twelve signs to look for in your partner (or yourself!) that indicate that somebody has trouble with vulnerability and connection. Read more here.

 

8 Scientific Facts About Successful Marriages

Some of these are obvious. Others, less so. It’s always good to reminded about what makes relationships – not just marriages – work. Read more here.

 

15 Reasons to Date a Martial Artist

Okay, so I married one. So I may be a bit biased:) Many of these are excellent traits in any partner, not just one who trains. Number 6 was especially key to me after the way my ex handled things. Read more here.

 

5 Surefire Ways to Kill a Relationship

I would wager that if you’re being honest, you would recognize at lease one of these patterns in your own relationship repertoire to some extent. If you name it, you can change it. Read more here.

 

35 Ways to Tell If It’s Over, And to Tell Your Partner

Do you want step-by-step instructions on what to do once you start thinking that the relationship has reached its end? You’ve come to the right place. Read more here.

 

3 Keys to Ending a Relationship With Dignity

If you know you want to end it, this post lists three important ideas to keep in mind to ensure a “good” breakup for you and your partner. Surprising, they don’t suggest ending a marriage via text. Read more here.

 

Your Brain is Nagging You. Here Are 5 Ways to Make it Stop.

Many of these I use with my coaching clients to help them limit intrusive thoughts about an ex. If you find that your brain fixates on thoughts you would rather not have, this is for you. Read more here.

If All Had Gone As I Had Planned

Posted on by stilllearning2b

If all had gone as I had planned, tomorrow would be my fifteenth anniversary.

I’m glad it didn’t turn out as planned.

Gatekeeper

Posted on by stilllearning2b

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

Where one party restricts and manages the flow of information into the relationship.

And one partner assumes the responsibility of pre-filtering what the other person sees and hears.

 

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

One person acting like a parent who knows what is best for the other.

And one spouse making decisions that impact the relationship without first consulting their partner.

 

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

Where fear that your partner may step out of line prompts new guidelines to be followed.

And one individual attempts to control the thoughts and actions of another.

 

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

Because the mere presence of a gatekeeper speaks to an imbalance of power, one holding the keys while the other is held.

And a balanced marriage is built upon mutual trust and respect, not confinement and limitation.

 

A marriage should not have a gatekeeper.

A marriage should have two.

Because while one person manning the gate leads to an imbalance, when both partners work as a team to filter what comes into their marriage, they work to make it stronger.

Not with manipulation and coercion, but with conversation and adaptation.

That begins with the acceptance that both partners are whole and capable and can work to strengthen each other rather than restrict each other.

And where the spouses work to hold the marriage together instead of keeping the other out.

Seek to protect your marriage rather than protect your partner.

Be gatekeepers together.

 

 

I Screwed Up

Posted on by stilllearning2b

One of the traits I most admire in my now-husband is his willingness to admit when he screws something up.

I shared this image with him a few months back:

foolish

His response? “I must be brilliant then because I always look foolish.”

Which he doesn’t. But he also doesn’t try to hide it when he does.

And I’m learning from him.

 

Some screw-ups don’t bother me. If I make a mistake at the board while teaching, I reward the student who catches it with candy. When my typos are uncovered, I’m thankful for the free editing. I share some of my own failures at skiing and biking and running and math with my students to encourage them to be willing to take risks and learn from their mistakes.

But those mistakes don’t harm anyone. They don’t make anyone disappointed in me. (At least I hope you’re not too disappointed in me for my typos. If you are, I’m sorry! I’m trying to wear my contacts more when I write and to wait at least until the first cup of coffee hits.)

Those are the threatening screw-ups. The ones I have trouble facing.

Because the impact could be threatening and the fallout immense.

But the reality is that everyone screws up and that the way you handle your errors says more about your character than any mistake ever could. Part of my ex’s destruction came from hiding his mistakes rather than coming clean.

 

So I’m learning. When I screwed up the other night just as my husband was coming home from a weekend away, my excitement at seeing him turned to dread at his response to my carelessness.

And the best part about a guy that admits his own mistakes? He accepts them in others. He immediately dismissed my confession and apology, engulfed me in his arms and said, “It’s great to be home.”

We are not our screw-ups.

We are how we respond.

 

In order to become wise, one has to first be willing to look foolish.

Be willing to take responsibility for your mistake.

Be willing to risk anger or disappointment.

Be willing to separate your worth from your error.

Be willing to ask for help.

And then be willing to learn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Little Things

Posted on by stilllearning2b

I had to smile when I reached the realization.

Brock and I were couch-locked, tucked under blankets in front of a roaring fire built to chase away the cold. The movie we selected began with some screen text to set the scene. Without hesitation, Brock started to read the words to me. Not because I’m illiterate, but because I’m pretty much blind. He always reads distant (I’m useless with street signs) or movie text to me without my having to ask.

A half hour later, my lips were starting to lose their protective coating of beeswax. “Where’s the emergency chapstick?” I asked. He picked up the extra tube from the end table and passed it over to me. Within weeks of starting to date, he had emergency chapstick stashed in his car and around his house. I can get pretty panicky when I can’t locate lip balm.

After the movie ended, I retired to bed (I’m pitiful) while Brock stayed downstairs to watch another flick. Some time later, I felt my Kindle being lifted off my head and my glasses being slid off my face. I stirred and grunted as he kissed my forehead before walking over to his side of the bed. One of the signs of my singleness for a few years was the semi-permanent indentations on my nose from falling asleep with my glasses on every night. Now that only happens when he’s out of town.

Each of those gestures says he sees me. He knows me. He loves me.

We tend to look for love in the grand scale. The words. The romance. The events.

When it often finds its home in the little things.