I have developed a bit of mail phobia since my divorce; it has a tendency to bite me just when I feel relaxed. I got bit today.
I posted about my huge (psychologically speaking) win with the IRS when I was granted innocent spouse relief a month ago. It seems like I let my guard down about taxes a bit too soon. Today I received a letter from the state that the refund I was owed for 2012 will be applied to an outstanding balance (that I did not know about) from 2006, one of the years the IRS took away my culpability for. It’s so hard not to let the anger surge forth again. The dollar amount is not what bothers me, it is the fact that he still has not addressed his responsibilities and that I am still being asked to pay for his deeds two years after the legal divorce. It makes me want to stomp and scream, curse his name, and declare how unfair it is.
But none of that will help.
The reality is that it is my mess to clean up even if I didn’t make it. I just need to get my big girl panties on, be thankful for what I have, and move on.
When you are facing the loss of a primary relationship, your body is also in mourning for the loss of touch. One of the primary ways that we give and receive comfort is through physical contact; it lowers blood pressure, lowers anxiety, and helps to alleviate depression. Unfortunately, with divorce, when you need touch the most, it is often the most absent. This is a time when regular massage is not a luxury; it is a critical component of healing your body and mind.
What is the difference between mental rehearsal of an event and creating expectations for the event?
Image via Wikipedia
There has been quite a bit of research and discourse in the last few years about the nature and benefits of mental rehearsal for athletes and others in positions that require a demanding and skilled physical performance. They are trained to visualized their body working efficiently, picture themselves executing each move perfectly, and feel their mind and body in perfect harmony.
These visualization techniques have since been applied to other areas, demonstrating that mental rehearsal can be a powerful tool for success. Cancer patients picture their T-cells squashing the invading cancer. Surgeons mentally rehearse each step of a complicated procedure countless times before even touching the scalpel. Public speakers view themselves giving their presentation, calm and confident.
For those undergoing a major life transition, visualization can help to calm anxiety and provide hope for the future. You can mentally rehearse for your time in court, visualize yourself becoming whole and happy, see yourself in a new relationship. All of this mental energy can help you on your path to healing.
In all cases, the most important aspect of visualization as a technique to improve performance or outcomes, is that is effectiveness depends upon one’s ability to be self-aware and monitor one’s responses to stimuli.
It is important to note, that in all of these examples, the strategy of mental rehearsal focuses on the individual’s performance, not the behaviors of those around him or her. That is the primary distinction between mental rehearsal and expectations; the former depends upon actions that are largely under your control, whereas the latter is subject to the behaviors of others not under your jurisdiction.
It is all too easy to spend our mental energies building expectations. This strategy will only lead to disappointment; however, as others can never live up to their fantasy counterparts. Many times, our happiest moments are those that caught us unaware, before any expectations had a chance to take root.
Choose where you want to spend your mental energy: building expectations that can be dashed by others or rehearsing you being the best you possible. I know where I try to focus my energies; in fact, I am seeing myself running an effortless ten miler this morning even though it’s frigid outside. Now, let’s see if that image holds once I get that first blast of wind!
Divorce is a major reboot of your life. Control-Alt-Del of all that is familiar. The process can vary, some may have time to save and safely exit their open files. For others, applications are subdued with repeated clicks of the “force quit” button. Divorce causes damage to the system, errors and gaps. For most of us, we have to start our lives over again in safe mode.
Safe mode is a troubleshooting option for Windows that starts your computer in a limited state. Only the basic files and drivers necessary to run Windows are started. The words “Safe Mode” appear in the corners of the display to identify which Windows mode you are using. If an existing problem does not reappear when you start in safe mode, you can eliminate the default settings and basic device drivers as possible causes.
After a divorce, safe mode means that your life is powered up again in a limited state. Only the necessary applications for living are in place; it is survival mode. There is nothing wrong with this state; in fact, it is often required to be able to function at all. However, just as a computer in safe mode is not truly operational, a life in safe mode is not truly living. Safe mode is a time, a space, a tool that should be used to diagnose and treat any maladaptive hardware or software issues so that a full reboot can occur.
Look at your own life. Are you in safe mode? Does this state still serve you, or is time to complete the repairs and perform a full reboot of your life?
Has this ever happened to you? You decide you want a lazy evening on the couch watching a movie on Netflix. You already have a particular movie or narrow genre in mind. You scroll through the thousands of offerings, but not one of them sparks your interest. Maybe you give up and surf the net instead.
Image via CrunchBase
I see many people approach dating the same way. They decide what they are looking for and then cull the options that do not fit the specified criteria. Be open to new genres; you may find yourself surprised at what you like.
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 