Whether it be a brief dalliance or a decades-long marriage, there is no shortage of advice on how to survive a breakup. Much of the advice is sound and can help provide hope and perspective as you face heartbreak. However, when you are facing the intense pain and loneliness of the end of a relationship, you can use all the help you can get. Here are six tips for surviving a breakup that you haven’t heard.
It’s rare that a news story makes me angry. But this one managed to get under my skin and infuriate me.
A teacher in California has been fired after her abusive and threatening ex husband showed up at her school, violating his restraining order. The school was forced to go into lockdown until the ex was apprehended by police.
After the incident, the private school put her on leave (and removed her children from the school) and refused to issue her a contract for the next school year. They cite their fears of the potential threat that the ex has to the students and faculty of the school once he is released from jail.
Deep breath.
I get the fear. It is extremely frightening to have an unstable person show up at the school, threatening students and faculty. I know. I’ve been there.
I’ve been there with the biological father with no parental rights shows up and tries to kidnap his daughter from the school cafeteria.
I’ve been there when the parent lashes out at the child in a conference, breaking his arm.
I’ve been there when the mom comes in to change the address of record to a battered women’s shelter and files the paperwork to remove the father from the approved pick up list.
I’ve been there as one who had to alert her principal to the possibility of an unstable ex showing up at the school. I felt so embarrassed and so ashamed having to tell my principal about my marital issues and making sure that the front office staff knew his name and what he looked like.
Schools are large organizations with hundreds if not thousands of people that come from all types of backgrounds. It’s only logical that domestic situations sometimes bleed into the school. It is a romantic notion to think that we can insulate our schools from this sort of episode, but unless we remove all of the people – faculty and students – from the school, it is an impossibility.
From everything we know about this particular story, the teacher did everything right. She divorced him, secured a restraining order and alerted the school when he threatened to approach her there.
Yet the school pinned the tail on her.
I worry about the message implied in the school’s response. It may encourage the abused to not seek help. To stay quiet. To stay a victim. By firing her, the school reinforced the ex husband’s power. They may have gussied up their threats on letterhead and refrained from foul language, but they are just as abusive by punishing someone asking for help.
It’s time to stop blaming those who try to get out. To get help. To speak out. Let’s pin the tail on the real asses.
I’m old. My students remind me of that every day when they discuss current actors and musicians and I find myself asking, “Who?” As a result of my advanced age and general ignorance of pop culture, I have been largely unaware of Katy Perry. I know her for her bras – there was that one peppermint swirly thingy one and then something about one being too risqué for Sesame Street. I am sure that I would recognize some of her hits, yet I cannot name a single title. I could only pick her out of a lineup if she was wearing the above-mentioned peppermint (flavored?) bra.
So imagine my shock this morning when the headlines announced that Katy and I are twins in a way. It turns out that her ex husband, Russell Brand, dumped her via text as well and she has not heard from him since. Wow. Sometimes I really do wonder if there is some secret, black market how-to book out there that these people follow (Slimeball For Dummies?).
It’s weird. I never expected to feel a kinship with Katie. After all, she’s 7 years my junior, can sing and has cleavage.
But upon reading that story this morning, I now feel a bond with Katy. I can imagine the shock she felt as she innocently picked up her phone upon the tone that announced an incoming text and read the words from her husband that indicated the end. I can picture her hand trembling as she read and reread the message, trying to gain some understanding of the incomprehensible. I can imagine the panicked thoughts and perhaps messages as she tried to reach out to him and assure herself that it was just some terrible misunderstanding. I can empathize with the growing horror she may have felt as the minutes, hours and then days passed with no further contact. I can sympathize with the anger that seeped in as she realizes that he stole her voice when he chose to exit without allowing for the dignity of a conversation. I can imagine the difficulties she may have finding closure from a marriage that ended in a tsunami.
So, Katy, here’s a great big internet hug for you. I am sorry that I don’t know you as an artist but I now feel like I know you as a woman.
It seems like people fall into one of two categories when it comes to new experiences: toe-dippers who like to ease into the adventure or jumpers.
I had the awesome opportunity to zipline in Austin yesterday thanks to the generosity of my friend, Kay. It. Was. Amazing. First of all, I have never witnessed a tourist/adventure/entertainment company that is so well run and managed. I appreciated everything from the design, to the customer service to the efficiency with which they operate.
I’ve been ziplining before in the Caribbean. It was interesting to compare the experiences. The runs in the Caribbean were designed so that you had to climb up rickety platforms, navigate narrow ledges while ducking under branches and finally take a leap of faith by jumping from a deck 80 feet or more above the ground. Lake Travis Zipline was much different. A trail led from launch site to launch site. Each platform was large, sturdy and had plenty of decking around the launch site. Even though the runs were much longer (including one that is over 2800 feet) and higher (up to 20 stories), you never felt like you were forced to leap. They designed their facility with the toe-dippers in mind.
It started with two “bunny” runs that ran fairly close to the ground. This let you get comfortable with the equipment and the sensation.
Their innovative braking system also facilitated ease; the guides braked for you so all you had to do was place your feet down when you arrived at a platform. This meant that you could fully be in the moment along the run instead of trying to perform the complex calculations based upon your weight, the wind speed and direction and the slackness in the line to try to figure out the optimum time to brake yourself.
Ever the social observer, I found it interesting to compare how people responded to the different designs. In the Caribbean, there were several people who panicked on the first run and never really improved. They had to be soothed and cajoled at every jump since their mind was sending out alert signals. Lake Travis Zipline could not have been more different. There was one woman in our group (no, not me!) who was very nervous prior to initial launch. She hung back, watching each person go ahead of her on the first training line. By the time she completed that run herself, she had a huge smile and was not hesitant again. All she needed was a little support and structure to be ready to take a risk.
We can be toe-dippers or jumpers at times, depending upon the situation. I tend towards the dipping in most physical pursuits (yeah, and I’m going skydiving – yikes!) and yet I am a jumper in many other areas. Brock is a full-on jumper physically yet dips his toes into emotional situations. One is not better than the other or more “right.” When dippers are given encouragement and are made to feel safe in increments, they can be willing to take the same risks as their more impulsive brethren, they just may take longer to get there.
If you find yourself fearful of a situation, think about what you can do to ease yourself in. Don’t worry about the last run that is 200 feet high; tackle the bunny line first. Learn to trust in increments and allow yourself to be comfortable at one stage before you move to the next. If you’re trying to help a toe-dipper, know that pushing too much will backfire and cause them to freeze. Work with their fear and teach them to move through it in stages.A nudge works better than a push!
With the right supports, fear can disappear. The run yesterday was so well designed that I, a self-proclaimed dipper, never even felt a twinge of nervousness.
You don’t have to jump to have the experience (okay, except for skydiving!). Build a ramp and ease your way in. Before you know it, you’ll be flying high!:)
Lessons From the End of a Marriage 